Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 yeah i would agree with the part that 3 dates only is minimal investment on his part, therefore it could be that he is just blowing her off. However, i guess one of my points is that adorable, or anyone, needs to trust their gut as well AND keep playing the game. Sometimes we are so lost in these situations that we turn to our friends or this site etc for guidance when we have the answers ourselves. Also we take things soooooo seriously as if it was a forgone conclusion and throw all our confidence and other information out of the window in search of THE answer NOW. and that is not the way a lot of relationships end up happening. There is no black and white answer. If he is treating you with respect and you have interest in someone with potential at some point, keep them in your life because you just never know. Give to them accordingly--only as much effort as they put in is what you give as well. Put yourself first and go after what you want always. Live lightly and freely and have fun when it comes to love. That's probably how more guys operate. And OP will have most fun and best outcome if she does like this. 2
markleymassraff Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) I agree...keep him in your life unless you have some compelling reason not to. Only by keeping certain men in my life (not being totally there for them or fawning over them or anything, but keeping them 'around') was I able to enjoy their coming back and wanting something with me whilst I had little to no interest. The one I am dealing with now...we were Facebook friends for 2.5 years before getting together, so we are still FB friends now, post-sex and post getting together for dating. We both still see each other on social media. I think we both kinda keep an eye on each other. I refuse to fawn over him while he is being distant, but yeah I'll keep him around. I want to have sex with him again, frankly, but I won't beg or even ask or even hint toward it. The main thing with men is that you just have to make sure their experience with you is mostly good and pleasant. It's okay to slip up with some emotions or a small fight, but it needs to be a small part of their experience with you. If it is, and they mostly remember you in a good way, they often want to see you again. I'm not saying it will be great the second time around or that they'll be that much more mature or well-intentioned. But you will handle yourself better and will have more power the 2nd time around, and he often will be more open to something serious with you, but only if you play your cards right and don't just accept him back and replicate what happened the first time. Edited March 4, 2015 by markleymassraff 2
Author ad0rable Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 I forgot to mention he only became flaky when he started his new job (he got a huge promotion) so I know he def wants to concentrate on that but also when I was on tinder he asked me if I was looking for "the one" on tinder and that I should get off it even though he's still on it .. why would he ask/tell me that
Jess cms Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I didn't read all the answers but my dear, I just had that same experience with a guy. He wanted me sooooo much and he cared soooo much for me and blablabla... and he was actually the one who brought the relationship topic to our conversations, probably when he didn't think he could have me... but once he started to notice that I had feelings for him he just made a point in letting me know how busy he is right now and how he's not ready for a relationship and bla bla bla! Just like that guy you're talking about. My best advice to you is for you to move on. Do NOT wait for someone who has ex gf issues and still makes you feel like he wants you just to let you know later how he's not ready. If you can be friends, and if you're capable of letting your feelings aside and not expecting anything and really just be his friend, then by all means, be friends. Probably in this situations the best thing to do is to stop talking to the person in question... that's what I'm trying to do just now in my case xD But whatever you choose to do, friends or not, you should really show him you don't care even if right now you're dying inside. Try to focus in your life, in what's important to you, in finding someone that will be "ready" .. well you know what I mean x) That's the best way for you to move on and for you to know if he really has feelings for you or not cause if he has, he will miss you and he will try something with you again. Either way, do not hope for that! The best thing you can do it's really just trying to live your life like he doesn't even exist... but I'm well aware of how hard that is and I don't really know enough of your situation, I'm just relating it to mine. So I suppose it can be different... you need to think about it and put yourself first always. 1
Author ad0rable Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 ....with you I don't believe that when a guy says he doesn't want a relationship it means "with you" in most cases a guy has no problem telling a girl he's not interested in more than friendship with her so whenever someone says "with you" it's BS he told me the reason why he went out with me in the first place is because he knows I'm a good girl and "hot" but when it comes down to it he's just not ready and he's not the type of guy to hook up with multiple girls 1
Buddhist Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 No matter while the deal is, he's a time waste for you. Move on and find someone who isn't.
Author ad0rable Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 No matter while the deal is, he's a time waste for you. Move on and find someone who isn't. he def is a waste of time right now, I haven't contacted him in 3 weeks so we haven't talked .. I guess I just wanted to know if he would come around in the future but no one has a crystal ball :/ 1
h0000 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 he def is a waste of time right now, I haven't contacted him in 3 weeks so we haven't talked .. I guess I just wanted to know if he would come around in the future but no one has a crystal ball :/ even if he does you probably wont be interested anymore
Hopeful30 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Why does everyone assume "not ready for a relationship" is ALWAYS an excuse? 3
Author ad0rable Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Why does everyone assume "not ready for a relationship" is ALWAYS an excuse? that's what I'm sayin'! lol
h0000 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 whether it be an excuse or a legit reason..what difference does it make anyway? solution is the same: move on
Versacehottie Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 whether it be an excuse or a legit reason..what difference does it make anyway? solution is the same: move on I agree. I don't think it is always an excuse or means "with you". That is black and white thinking and rather bitter and jaded. People always wanting to move on to next person and situation when things don't go perfectly. I know plenty of situations, myself included, where not ready meant exactly not ready. However, I 100% agree, the solution is the same. Move on or rather allow other dating opportunities into your life and don't hold out hope in the not-ready person. But I wouldn't completely cut them from my life if I felt the answer was truthful because their next "ready" time could coincide with my next "ready and available" time. Try not to be short-sighted. 1
acapelo_dp Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I dunno know Leigh...fear of intimacy and commitment IS a very "real" fear in our society today...and it has nothing to do with meeting the "right" woman. For these guys (and girls)...there is no "right" person....maybe at first sure! But eventually they will always find something wrong. And the closer they get and deeper his feeling get, that's when the fear rears its ugly head....panic sets in and they're off and running...often times with some dumb excuse like the OP's boyfriend did. Or in many cases NO excuse at all...they just disappear! He doesn't want to answer to anyone...and ALL women are like that? Really?? When the OP did nothing but give the guy space and freedom to come and go? Come on. Fear of intimacy and commitment is very real...just as real as fear of heights, fear of flying or any other fear. It's triggers a fight or flight response, usually flight. It paralyzes a person and causes a tremendous amount of anxiety. And the only way to alleviate that feeling is to end the relationship, again most times for the dumbest reasons. They usually return though, after the relationship has been over for awhile and the anxiety subsides. That's when they start missing the woman, and want to return. There have been threads on this board created by men talking about this very thing! Yes it's VERY real! I fully agree with this. I don't believe the BS that even men that are afraid of commitment suddenly want a LTR and marriage and babies when the "right woman" comes along. The fears are still there after the relationship becomes comfortable and more "real". You can meet the right person at the wrong time, I believe anyways. I dated my ex boyfriend for a year and a half. Before me his relationships never lasted because he would always get scared and back way off, and get dumped for lack of communication/contact. I'm the longest relationship he has ever had, we were planning to live together and he was very excited. We went on vacation together and were in love. But once sh*t started getting real and other stresses in his life added up he wasn't sure anymore. He still loved me and thought I was the best girl for him but he wasn't ready to settle down at this age. I gave him all the space he wanted and it wasn't enough for him. I ended things but it was mostly mutual and we ended on good terms. He told me he definitely isn't interested in pursuing anything with other women and I believe him.If things work out in a few months or years fantastic, and if not I will have moved on by then. I think this guy just isn't ready due to the fact he is still getting over his last relationship. Give him space and time and do your own thing, and maybe he will come back to you. Let him process the emotional turmoil. It's nothing about you, it has to do with him. Get out there and start meeting new people and having fun, and maybe a guy will come along who is totally ready and into you. 1
NC-Thomas Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I think this guy just isn't ready due to the fact he is still getting over his last relationship. . This is what was true for me. I wasn't ready for a girl because i recently got out of a relationship. We then progressed to be FWB, but when I was finally ready to commit she was already distanced and gone. I don't blame her. Sometimes we just meet special persons in the wrong time of life. But never put your life on hold if you really want more then FWB --> a relationship. So yea, I honestly think that all people in this topic saying "im not ready for a relationship ---- with you" should re-assess. Because not all men are like that. 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 I don't believe that when a guy says he doesn't want a relationship it means "with you" in most cases a guy has no problem telling a girl he's not interested in more than friendship with her so whenever someone says "with you" it's BS he told me the reason why he went out with me in the first place is because he knows I'm a good girl and "hot" but when it comes down to it he's just not ready and he's not the type of guy to hook up with multiple girls Stop deluding yourself! He isnt that into you! If he was crazy about you, he'd want a relationship. Plain and simple. 1
Erised Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 It doesn't always mean with you; it sometimes does... In either case it's not worth your time and energy to analyze because the take home remains the same. Move on.
katiegrl Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Stop deluding yourself! He isnt that into you! If he was crazy about you, he'd want a relationship. Plain and simple. Leigh sweetie calm down .... Deep breath. In many cases, you are correct but not all. There are many reasons why a guy isn't ready. Perhaps he just ended a long term relationship and needs time to process that before jumping into another, which is actually smart! Or maybe he is dealing with a family tragedy, like an illness or death, and doesn't feel he is emotionally prepared for what developing a new relationship entails. It could be any number of reasons, and it's not right to say in "every" case, for "every" guy it's cause he's just not into you. Timing is just as important and sometimes depending on what's happening in one's life, it's just not the right time to embark on a new relationship. To think otherwise is a very rigid way to think IMO. 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 11, 2015 Posted March 11, 2015 Look I have known many guys to just not be ready or looking for anything serious.. only to be totally blown away and smitten by a woman who he DOES commit to. My ex I wrote about on here back in 2011 - everyone thought he just wasn't ready to settle down, but it is glaringly obvious that he just wasn't that into me! He happily settled down with his new girl! And he WASN'T ready for commitment! He told me that the thought of only having one woman for life TERRIFIED him. Then he met a girl he though was drop dead gorgeous and who he fell truly in love with. I have just never heard of a man who genuinely had commitment issues! in 0% of instances, when I have heard I guy say " I am just not ready for a relationship", they all melted when they met a girl who stole their hearts. But not all men MEET that girl they are head over heels about! The men who didn't - never committed and maintained their cover letter of " not ready for a relationship, just wanting a bit of fun"......the few who went on to find a girl that took their breath away, DID commit; the men who didn't find a woman with whom they were REALLY into, did NOT end up committing. And some are still single. I was not ready for a relationship and I was seeking casual and light dating with hot men - to give me a nice distraction from a full on podiatry degree ! There is no way I wanted a relationship given my hectic schedule, plus I start working a job soon! Yet when I met my current guy I felt an instant connection and I couldn't not date him properly. Even though I have issues from my past to work through due to men lying and hurting me, and even though I am way too busy to date in theory.
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