elaine567 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I know, I havent talked to him in like 10 days i'm done unless he ever texts me just was trying to get some clarity Sorry ad0rable, he gave you clarity, he said loud and clear by his actions and by his words he wasn't interested in you, the rest you made up in your head. Try not to do that, listen to what men say, if they say they do not want a relationship with you, they mean they do not want a relationship with you. As soon as he "blew you off a little", by not texting for a week, you should have got the message and not spend the next 2 months wondering if he meant what he said. A text takes 3 secs to send, unless he had been kidnapped by terrorists, then he had no excuse not to send texts. He was just not interested in pursuing it further. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Whether he's actually dating is irrelevant. The fact is, he's active on a dating site and looking to date. So, he's trying to date other people (not you) while ignoring you, and hasn't had any interest in dating you for 2-3 months. You're beating a dead horse. It's a waste of time and energy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Sorry ad0rable, he gave you clarity, he said loud and clear by his actions and by his words he wasn't interested in you, the rest you made up in your head. Try not to do that, listen to what men say, if they say they do not want a relationship with you, they mean they do not want a relationship with you. As soon as he "blew you off a little", by not texting for a week, you should have got the message and not spend the next 2 months wondering if he meant what he said. A text takes 3 secs to send, unless he had been kidnapped by terrorists, then he had no excuse not to send texts. He was just not interested in pursuing it further. he never said he wasn't interested in me he said when it comes down to it (because I asked why go on 3 dates you would know after 1 or 2 if you like someone) he's can't do the gf thing right now & that eventually he will ease into it (I have no idea what that means, if with me or someone else) but yeah he def doesn't keep in touch Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 he never said he wasn't interested in me he said when it comes down to it (because I asked why go on 3 dates you would know after 1 or 2 if you like someone) he's can't do the gf thing right now & that eventually he will ease into it (I have no idea what that means, if with me or someone else) but yeah he def doesn't keep in touch It seems he has other priorities in his life at the moment but naturally would like to enjoy female company in his time off. I'd say he likes you and enjoys your company, but little cherubs aren't floating around his head when he sees you. He doesn't want to be answerable to a full time gf, however if you were open to fwb or even just hanging out he would be. I guess by date 3 he picked up that you might not be open to something casual so has moved on. As he said fwb doesn't have to be just sex, it can be outings as well, but he doesn't want any obligations or drama for the time being. More often than not though, that phrase just means they are not into 'you'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 It seems he has other priorities in his life at the moment but naturally would like to enjoy female company in his time off. I'd say he likes you and enjoys your company, but little cherubs aren't floating around his head when he sees you. He doesn't want to be answerable to a full time gf, however if you were open to fwb or even just hanging out he would be. I guess by date 3 he picked up that you might not be open to something casual so has moved on. As he said fwb doesn't have to be just sex, it can be outings as well, but he doesn't want any obligations or drama for the time being. More often than not though, that phrase just means they are not into 'you'. does anyone actually think that he's staying away from me because if we hang out more feelings would develop does anyone think he ran away because he was getting feelings and wants to avoid that? .. that's the feeling I get even though it's ridiculous Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Unfortunately that's you not wanting to accept that he doesn't want to progress things with you. You're the one with feelings, not him. You just aren't a match. He was done back in December after three dates. We're in March now. Think about it this way--most guys you've met so far haven't been a match from your perspective. This is the same situation, just reversed. From his perspective, he doesn't feel you're a match. All the questioning, scolding, logic, arguments in the world won't get him to change his mind. You just have to keep dating until you meet someone where you both get excited and both want the same things out of dating. That will happen. But only after you stop pining over this guy. The longer you hang around hoping that he might want to date you again sometime in the vague future, the more painful this will get for you. You have to learn to cut your losses and move on. Edited March 4, 2015 by angel.eyes Link to post Share on other sites
markleymassraff Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 To the OP: If you still want to see this guy, (and you guys still have enough contact with each other that he'll have exposure to you even if indirect over the next month or so) show him through actions and behavior instead of telling him with words that you are emotionally independent of him. I must say -- though I haven't gotten my guy to "come around" yet -- that I think I'm handling it better than you. Here's what I suggest: Don't react to him. You need to stay neutral. Act neither unnaturally "happy" about things nor angry at/disappointed with him. Don't block him or unfriend him from anything. Instead, live your life in a normal way. Go out and do things; don't try to make him jealous, but just be social and normal regardless of what he is doing. Be neither close to him nor dote on him, but also don't block him out as if to punish him for not wanting a relationship and not accepting your proposal to date casually. The only way he is going to believe that you "can handle it" is if you actually...well, handle it. He needs to feel safe from your emotions. He is absolutely sure you will be emotional about his freedom. So if while he is being free (right now), you are not emotional, he will see that he can be with you without you being emotional or losing your sense of composure. His actions need to not affect you. This is the key to a man having respect for you. He needs to know that he can't control you with his actions. This is why guys like women before sex. At that point, they don't feel they have "control" over the woman. After sex and a bit of dating, it's clear to them that their behavior affects the woman, and that makes them lose respect for you. Not saying they don't respect you at all; they still do. Just less so than they did in the first place. You have to get things back on track by keeping your composure and being unaffected by him. A long time ago, a guy I liked sort of ended things with me and started seeing another woman. It didn't faze me that much because while she is/was good-looking, so was I. For about a day or two (we worked together), I did act like kind of a bitch to him. But it only lasted for that long. In the long -term, over the next two months, I was really just neutral / normal with him...and her. (I knew her too.) He eventually wanted to see me again and he flat-out said it bothered him that I took it all in stride and didn't seem bothered. I was neither mean to him nor excessively nice. I just acted like...yeah, life needs to go on. Que sera sera. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I don't believe this is true, if a person is not ready for a relationship they are not gonna get their sox knocked off in the first place because they won't be available for it, if that same girl had come along at a different time it might have happened. OP you went on 3 dates with him and he doesn't need to give you any excuses or reasons, he just doesn't want to so move on, I know it feels crappy but don't invest any more emotional energy into this guy ok? It is not that common but it DOES happen; mostly, if a guy doesn't WANT a relationship, he will not meet a woman who changes his mind. HOWEVER - occasionally, a man who doesn't want a relationship WILL meet a woman who seriously knocks his socks off. More often than not, the men in question who is averse to a relationship will NOT meet a special woman who changes his mind; SOMETIMES, it DOES happen, absolutely though, they meet a woman who is THAT awesome they DO change their minds! Sometimes men like THIS one ^^^ CAN and DO sometimes change their mind IF they meet that 1 in 100 woman who compels them to just HAVE to be with them in the dating and exclusive sense (and then to see if they are compatible long term). The OP is delusional if she thinks she is that great that the guy will change his mind - if he felt that way about her he would have known by now. Link to post Share on other sites
markleymassraff Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 OP, did you have sex with this guy or no? Also, how were the dates otherwise? Did he seem like he loved them or was it more just okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 OP, did you have sex with this guy or no? Also, how were the dates otherwise? Did he seem like he loved them or was it more just okay? there was absolutely nothing sexual happening .. the dates were good he even asked permission to have another beer lol Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 ad0rable....with respect.... you had three dates, just move on sweetie. He's not worth all this energy. Dating is tough. I am sure he liked you, but after three dates decided you weren't the one for him. It happens. This wasn't a relationship, hell you didn't even have sex. . Just let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Also, earlier in this thread, you told me (us) you weren't needy or insecure, desperate. I thought you might be...and that's why he lost interest... your response was "no I'm really not like that." Well, again with respect, your appatent obsessing over this indicates otherwise. You had THREE dates, no sex, this should have been but a tiny little blip on your radar....and then you move on. Not sure why you can't, but please try. Continuing to obsess about it here (five pages later) isn't getting you anywhere. Again, you only had three dates, no sex. No biggee...just let it go. Edited March 4, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 wanting to know if I was wasting my time or not is demanding answers not to you, of course... but look at his behavior and reactions and what he's said. He said he doesn't want to answer to anyone--that means "for anything", including if you were wasting your time or not. Perhaps that's a conclusion you have to reach for yourself instead of waiting/wanting him to spell it out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 he never said he wasn't interested in me he said when it comes down to it (because I asked why go on 3 dates you would know after 1 or 2 if you like someone) he's can't do the gf thing right now & that eventually he will ease into it (I have no idea what that means, if with me or someone else) but yeah he def doesn't keep in touch that doesn't mean that he wants to ease into something with you. His behavior and actions are saying "not you". Otherwise, 10 days would not have elapsed with him being incommunicado. Neglect doesn't make anything grow that's of any good. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 does anyone actually think that he's staying away from me because if we hang out more feelings would develop does anyone think he ran away because he was getting feelings and wants to avoid that? .. that's the feeling I get even though it's ridiculous I think he ran away because he saw no future for the two of you, Get real here, You had three dates and he didn't text you after that. No-one who is really interested stops all contact after 3 dates, they arrange a 4th and a 5th, they have sex with you and you keep seeing each other and you form a relationship. He cut you off at 3 dates. I don't know whether he is really not interested in having a gf or he has his eye on someone else or he is seeing someone else or he got back with an ex perhaps, or he is just a cheating jerk, and neither do you. You are making up stories in your head to excuse his lack of interest, when in reality you need to move on and find someone who is interested in you. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 does anyone actually think that he's staying away from me because if we hang out more feelings would develop does anyone think he ran away because he was getting feelings and wants to avoid that? .. that's the feeling I get even though it's ridiculous No. You need to stop telling yourself things that have nothing to buttress them in experience. You're inventing excuses to not let go because you're going solely on the fact of "I like him". "I like him, therefore he must like me" does not follow reason. His crime is that he's not being blatantly clear with you, maybe because the doesn't want to have to turn into a jerk for you get catch a clue. He needed to be abundantly clear so that you can go walk off your like for him and go find another guy who wants a girlfriend and to take on the expectations and obligations of a relationship. He's not in the headspace right now for a full on relationship. He's still dealing with his feelings about his pregnant ex. Stop squandering your youth behind someone who doesn't want you. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Oh but he was blatantly clear. He said he doesn't want a relationship...he doesn't want to answer to anyone, he's in his 20s and wants to be free. .. and he has not contracted her in ten days. After only three dates, I think he was VERY clear! If there is any "crime" here it's ad0rable NOT acknowledging what he said.....choosing instead to project her own feelings on to him, keeping her stuck and preventing her from moving on. I'm sorry to keep harping on this...but it was THREE dates! And him asking your permission to get another beer doesn't mean jack shyt. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 does anyone actually think that he's staying away from me because if we hang out more feelings would develop does anyone think he ran away because he was getting feelings and wants to avoid that? .. that's the feeling I get even though it's ridiculous jesus, people give her a break. Yes it's possible. Off the top of my head without even trying I know 3 situations where this is exactly what happened and the people are happy serious couples now. Adorable, the hard part is when they are doing this (avoiding you because they know they are getting feelings but dont want a relationship) vs. blowing you off, the actions unfortunately look the same. Bottom line, that's what you need to react to. if he is not ready, you're not so interested. Interested in remaining distant friends or something like that. It's a tricky slope and there is no guarantee what will work out but there are strategies you can do to keep this guy in your POTENTIAL future. The risk is that in NO way should you pin all or even many of your hopes on it. You should keep working the rest of the room as they say. Things are not so black and white because people don't have everything all planned out. 100% some people when they say they are not ready for a relationship, mean it. They are not considering the "right" person or anyone really, which makes all the more sense that he is staying on tinder. He can keep cycling thru people without being in a relationship. so you should live you life to its fullest, keep some sort of contact with him and keep moving. Make it so he could come back into your life if he became ready. But don't be such a sure thing that he can tell you will be there waiting. And for your own sake, don't be. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 there was absolutely nothing sexual happening .. the dates were good he even asked permission to have another beer lol YOU don't know why he went on those dates with you, you are assuming he went on the dates because he liked you and wanted a relationship. He perhaps wanted a hook up with you and after three dates gave up on that idea. He maybe does this frequently, ie he meets a girl for a few dates for something to do and he then dumps them. He maybe felt a bit down re his ex, felt a bit lonely and just needed some company, he had another beer because he didn't want to go home early. Some people who have break ups go on dates and then suddenly realise the person they are dating is not their ex and so end it, they are just not ready to date again. People go on dates for all different reasons, concentrate on the ones that want to keep seeing you, and do not try and analyse those that don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 jesus, people give her a break. Yes it's possible. Off the top of my head without even trying I know 3 situations where this is exactly what happened and the people are happy serious couples now. Adorable, the hard part is when they are doing this (avoiding you because they know they are getting feelings but dont want a relationship) vs. blowing you off, the actions unfortunately look the same. Bottom line, that's what you need to react to. if he is not ready, you're not so interested. Interested in remaining distant friends or something like that. It's a tricky slope and there is no guarantee what will work out but there are strategies you can do to keep this guy in your POTENTIAL future. The risk is that in NO way should you pin all or even many of your hopes on it. You should keep working the rest of the room as they say. Things are not so black and white because people don't have everything all planned out. 100% some people when they say they are not ready for a relationship, mean it. They are not considering the "right" person or anyone really, which makes all the more sense that he is staying on tinder. He can keep cycling thru people without being in a relationship. so you should live you life to its fullest, keep some sort of contact with him and keep moving. Make it so he could come back into your life if he became ready. But don't be such a sure thing that he can tell you will be there waiting. And for your own sake, don't be. Good luck You make good points, and I agree with you (see my previous post discussing fear of intimacy/commitment). But this fear usually pops up after at least a couple months of dating and after sex occurs. Just as the relationship seems headed for the next level. NOT after only THREE casual dates and before they have even been sexual. Come on now. That's absurd. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
markleymassraff Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 jesus, people give her a break. Yes it's possible. Off the top of my head without even trying I know 3 situations where this is exactly what happened and the people are happy serious couples now. Adorable, the hard part is when they are doing this (avoiding you because they know they are getting feelings but dont want a relationship) vs. blowing you off, the actions unfortunately look the same. Bottom line, that's what you need to react to. if he is not ready, you're not so interested. Interested in remaining distant friends or something like that. It's a tricky slope and there is no guarantee what will work out but there are strategies you can do to keep this guy in your POTENTIAL future. The risk is that in NO way should you pin all or even many of your hopes on it. You should keep working the rest of the room as they say. Things are not so black and white because people don't have everything all planned out. 100% some people when they say they are not ready for a relationship, mean it. They are not considering the "right" person or anyone really, which makes all the more sense that he is staying on tinder. He can keep cycling thru people without being in a relationship. so you should live you life to its fullest, keep some sort of contact with him and keep moving. Make it so he could come back into your life if he became ready. But don't be such a sure thing that he can tell you will be there waiting. And for your own sake, don't be. Good luck yeah, anything's possible. I can totally understand people in this thread telling her to give up and stop being pathetic, but I can also understand the idea that men are cray cray, and you just don't know what's going on with them. I have a somewhat similar situation w/ a guy right now, but I had sex with him several times, and we went out for a month, and we have been friendly acquaintances for 2.5 years. mine said and did all kinds of things during the month we were seeing each other that indicates that he was way into me and us. well, not "way" -- but not just some light attraction either. but now he's gone totally absent (we had no fight and I did not chase or overwhelm, although i'll grant there might have been ever so subtle ways in which i showed being into him more than he was ready for) with only Facebook contact (he likes my posts not all the time but often enough). I don't know what his deal is; I feel pretty confident that he's not NOT attracted to me, but he is acting all distant now and has been for a while. the other thing is that many a guy will go away and act like you are not good enough for them at the time and then months or a year or two later want something with you. So....OP, you need to just lead your life and recognize your value. Even if you are questioning it, don't let him see it. Just move on with the thought that you are a prize. So many of them come back acting all... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
markleymassraff Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 i agree though that after three no-sex dates, you should be able to let this one go more easily. he didn't get anything out of you. he didn't get anything out of you for you to feel humiliated or used by. so...try to let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 i agree though that after three no-sex dates, you should be able to let this one go more easily. he didn't get anything out of you. he didn't get anything out of you for you to feel humiliated or used by. so...try to let it go. thanks for the advice everyone I'm just gonna let it go and not contact him at all anymore and possibly start talking to other men 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 thanks for the advice everyone I'm just gonna let it go and not contact him at all anymore and possibly start talking to other men Excellent! Good luck... and remember "that which doesn't kill us makes us STRONGER." Words to live by.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 I think he ran away because he saw no future for the two of you, Get real here, You had three dates and he didn't text you after that. No-one who is really interested stops all contact after 3 dates, they arrange a 4th and a 5th, they have sex with you and you keep seeing each other and you form a relationship. He cut you off at 3 dates. I don't know whether he is really not interested in having a gf or he has his eye on someone else or he is seeing someone else or he got back with an ex perhaps, or he is just a cheating jerk, and neither do you. You are making up stories in your head to excuse his lack of interest, when in reality you need to move on and find someone who is interested in you. he would still contact me after our third date he didn't run away completely until around the beginning of feb or mid jan not sure .. doesn't matter though Link to post Share on other sites
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