ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Hi guys to make a longish story short (I know i'm gonna forget some details) I went on 3 dates with this guy in November/December .. he knew right away that I liked him but I could tell he had a wall up anyway he's out of a 5 year relationship (I think they broke up a year ago) his now ex is pregnant and engaged already & he says he's over her ANYWAY .. three dates were great then I felt like he started to blow me off a little (helping his cousin with his house/starting/studying for new job) a week goes by no text messages or anything so I tell him he should have just told me he wasnt interested when I asked him he says "it's not that i'm not interested I just can't do the gf thing right now" he's not seeing anyone else & he told me he wants to have fun while still in his 20s I said so that means you want to hook up with random girls and he said "no having fun doesn't mean having sex or hanging out with sluts" he just can't deal with having to answer to anyone right now .. haven't heard from him in a week but last we spoke (i'm always the one initiating contact which i am no longer doing) he asked if I had a valentine & if i was still on tinder .. so whats his deal? do you think he started getting feelings and ran away or he's BSing me? Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 He's just checking on you. Just like he checks on a friend and ask her "How are you". He told you he doesn't want to commit. and I see no sign of him getting feelings. I am amazed how women like to imagine things out of nothing. Just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Could be many things. More than likely he's emotionally unavailable due to his last relationship. Either way a good general rule if someone says they aren't ready for a relationship. Take them seriously and move on, you will save yourself a lot of heart break rather than waiting around desperately for them to throw you scraps. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Could be many things. More than likely he's emotionally unavailable due to his last relationship. Either way a good general rule if someone says they aren't ready for a relationship. Take them seriously and move on, you will save yourself a lot of heart break rather than waiting around desperately for them to throw you scraps. he def seems emotionally unavailable but then why even go on 3 dates with me? when I asked him that he said "when it comes down to it i'm not ready for a relationship" def. not waiting around for him I guess he'll come around when he's ready Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Because he is probably lonely but doesn't want to or can't give you the emotional closeness you want. I wouldn't wait around hoping he changes his mind either you will just end up suffering a lot. Try to avoid dating guys just out of a relationships, often they are happy to spend time with you but aren't ready for another relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Lonely ego if that was the case wouldn't he be texting me constantly looking for attention? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 if that was the case wouldn't he be texting me constantly looking for attention? The kind of attention he's looking for doesn't appear on a smartphone screen. When a man tells you he 'can't do the GF thing', believe him. There are other things he can do and, trust me, he's doing them, right now. It's what men do. He's processing his ex being pregnant by another man after their five year LTR. Ha, ha, he's not hanging out with sluts. Think about it. What guy who wants to date a woman talks about women as sluts, even in passing? Yup... right there. OTOH, this is coming from a 50-something divorced guy so take it FWIW. I'm not of your generation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 if that was the case wouldn't he be texting me constantly looking for attention? He is just above corpse cold in terms of interest. He doesn't mind if he hears from you (ego boost) but doesn't care if he doesn't hear from you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 He is just above corpse cold in terms of interest. He doesn't mind if he hears from you (ego boost) but doesn't care if he doesn't hear from you. he def is corpse like lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 The kind of attention he's looking for doesn't appear on a smartphone screen. When a man tells you he 'can't do the GF thing', believe him. There are other things he can do and, trust me, he's doing them, right now. It's what men do. He's processing his ex being pregnant by another man after their five year LTR. Ha, ha, he's not hanging out with sluts. Think about it. What guy who wants to date a woman talks about women as sluts, even in passing? Yup... right there. OTOH, this is coming from a 50-something divorced guy so take it FWIW. I'm not of your generation. that was my bad I referred to other girls as "sluts" since I figured thats what he wants instead Link to post Share on other sites
markleymassraff Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I'm in a similar position. Was seeing (no longer seeing but still have FB contact with bc we have known each other for 2.5 years before ever going out) this guy who is just six months out of a 3 year relationship (1.5 years of which was a marriage) and before that marriage, he was in a marriage of about nine years. He's not that old but he got married really young and has pretty much been married/in a relationship all his adult life. He is simply not in a place of wanting a relationship. He seemed to like me a lot; in fact, I think he still does but just can't/won't accommodate what he senses I want (if not a full blown relationship, at least something closer to it than total casualness) and so has sort of let me go. He's kind of in a place of just wanting to have fun without having to answer to anyone...at all. It makes all the sense in the world; I just find it...unfortunate. In summer 2010, I was just out of a five year relationship, and I too did not want a full blown relationship right away. Over the next 6 to 8 months, I was content to just get laid. I sorta wanted a half relationship or something, but I was also totally fine with just having meaningless sex with a few men. And the guys I met weren't people to have relationships with anyway. Not for me anyway. They were too different from me. But around 9 months or so, I wanted stability and a relationship again. i wanted bonding and togetherness. The problem is...it is unpredictable as to when people get out of their "don't want a relationship" phase. It doesn't last long for some people and lasts a few years for others. So...it's unpredictable. In March 2014, I was just out of a 1.5 year relationship and I can safely say I wanted another right away. I wasn't "DTF" this time. I mean, I sort of am always DTF if I meet someone with whom there is great attraction, but...I wasn't trying to be DTF. Mostly I wanted another relationship. 1.5 years isn't the same as 5 years though. Or a long stretch of marriage that went over 10 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 I'm in a similar position. Was seeing (no longer seeing but still have FB contact with bc we have known each other for 2.5 years before ever going out) this guy who is just six months out of a 3 year relationship (1.5 years of which was a marriage) and before that marriage, he was in a marriage of about nine years. He's not that old but he got married really young and has pretty much been married/in a relationship all his adult life. He is simply not in a place of wanting a relationship. He seemed to like me a lot; in fact, I think he still does but just can't/won't accommodate what he senses I want (if not a full blown relationship, at least something closer to it than total casualness) and so has sort of let me go. He's kind of in a place of just wanting to have fun without having to answer to anyone...at all. It makes all the sense in the world; I just find it...unfortunate. In summer 2010, I was just out of a five year relationship, and I too did not want a full blown relationship right away. Over the next 6 to 8 months, I was content to just get laid. I sorta wanted a half relationship or something, but I was also totally fine with just having meaningless sex with a few men. And the guys I met weren't people to have relationships with anyway. Not for me anyway. They were too different from me. But around 9 months or so, I wanted stability and a relationship again. i wanted bonding and togetherness. The problem is...it is unpredictable as to when people get out of their "don't want a relationship" phase. It doesn't last long for some people and lasts a few years for others. So...it's unpredictable. In March 2014, I was just out of a 1.5 year relationship and I can safely say I wanted another right away. I wasn't "DTF" this time. I mean, I sort of am always DTF if I meet someone with whom there is great attraction, but...I wasn't trying to be DTF. Mostly I wanted another relationship. 1.5 years isn't the same as 5 years though. Or a long stretch of marriage that went over 10 years. idk maybe it's bad timing .. maybe when he is ready he'll get in touch with me if it's not too late & I don't meet someone else Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) You said in your original post that he told you he "doesn't want to answer to anyone." Why would he say that? Were you after him all the time asking what he is doing, who he's with and/or otherwise asking him to be accountable to you? I hope not! Because it's way too soon for that and the poor guy probably felt boxed in and suffocated. I have been with my boyfriend for five years and I still don't ask him to be accountable to me...I basically just leave him alone and let him come and go as he pleases... which usually results in him telling me, all on his own with no pressure from me, what he's doing! Anyway I am only presuming you've been on his a$$ a bit, otherwise why would he make that comment? He may have felt suffocated and got turned off. I am sure he liked you when he met you, but apparently found after seeing you for awhile, it was just too much..and got turned off. When he says he's not ready for a relationship, what he means is...with you. So the best and only thing you can do right now is back off, leave him alone and move on. Who knows, maybe after leaving him alone for awhile, he will miss you. Or maybe not. In your next relationship, leave him alone. Don't text too much, don't call too much, don't ask "where is this going" or "how do you feel.". Don't ask him what he does when he's not with you, who he's with, or when will you hear from him again. Leave him alone and let him come to you. If you can do that, guarantee he will continue to be drawn to you like bee to honey! After five years together, THAT's how my boyfriend feels about me. Cause I leave him alone and don't bug him! Edited March 3, 2015 by katiegrl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 You said in your original post that he told you he "doesn't want to answer to anyone." Why would he say that? Were you after him all the time asking what he is doing, who he's with and/or otherwise asking him to be accountable to you? I hope not! Because it's way too soon for that and the poor guy probably felt boxed in and suffocated. I have been with my boyfriend for five years and I still don't ask him to be accountable to me...I basically just leave him alone and let him come and go as he pleases... which usually results in him telling me, all on his own with no pressure from me, what he's doing! Anyway I am only presuming you've been on his a$$ a bit, otherwise why would he make that comment? He may have felt suffocated and got turned off. I am sure he liked you when he met you, but apparently found after seeing you for awhile, it was just too much..and got turned off. When he says he's not ready for a relationship, what he means is...with you. So the best and only thing you can do right now is back off, leave him alone and move on. Who knows, maybe after leaving him alone for awhile, he will miss you. Or maybe not. In your next relationship, leave him alone. Don't text too much, don't call too much, don't ask "where is this going" or "how do you feel.". Don't ask him what he does when he's not with you, who he's with, or when will you hear from him again. Leave him alone and let him come to you. If you can do that, guarantee he will continue to be drawn to you like bee to honey! After five years together, THAT's how my boyfriend feels about me. Cause I leave him alone and don't bug him! I wasn't on him at all .. he said he & his ex fought alot idk if he's taking past things and putting it on me Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Okay so when he made that comment to you...what did you say? Did you say "I am NOT asking you to answer to me..why would you say that"? That way you could have opened up a dialogue regarding his fears and why he's projecting what happened with his ex on to you! Which sounds like what he is doing since you said you haven't been on his a$$ at all about what he's doing, etc. Anyway.. how "did" you respond when he made that comment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Okay so when he made that comment to you...what did you say? Did you say "I am NOT asking you to answer to me..why would you say that"? That way you could have opened up a dialogue regarding his fears and why he's projecting what happened with his ex on to you! Which sounds like what he is doing since you said you haven't been on his a$$ at all about what he's doing, etc. Anyway.. how "did" you respond when he made that comment? I told him we could take things slow & just date & I wouldn't care if you went out with your guy friends he said "dating leads to feelings which would eventually lead to you worrying about everything I do" I told him i'm not like that & he said all girls are like that so he's stuck in his ways Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I told him we could take things slow & just date & I wouldn't care if you went out with your guy friends he said "dating leads to feelings which would eventually lead to you worrying about everything I do" I told him i'm not like that & he said all girls are like that so he's stuck in his ways Let him go and move on. If that's how he feels..IMO good riddence. Every woman and every relationship is different and until he learns that, he will never allow himself to fall for any woman...there will always be something "wrong." Just move on sweetie, he 's a lost cause. I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ad0rable Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Let him go and move on. If that's how he feels..IMO good riddence. Every woman and every relationship is different and until he learns that, he will never allow himself to fall for any woman...there will always be something "wrong." Just move on sweetie, he 's a lost cause. I'm sorry. yeah it's such a shame because I really am not like that Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 yeah it's such a shame because I really am not like that I know.. . Which is good cause it means you will attract lots of guys - emotionally healthy guys! -- wanting to be with you..and stay with you! You don't need this gutless wonder who is too afraid of his own shadow to give a great girl like you a chance. Let him go live under his safe little rock...while you're out enjoying LIFE and having new experiences! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I am sorry but this has to be said: MOST men WOULD have a relationship if the right girl came along. When a man says he is NOT ready for a relationship, what it really means is: I am not ready for a relationship WITH YOU, but I WOULD absolutely have a relationship if a girl knocked my socks off! Nearly every man who thinks he doesn't want commitment, ends up committing when the right girl comes along. When the men who really feel averse to commitment melt I they meet the right girl.... I am not looking for a relationship but if the right man came my way I would make the time for him and I would happily give up some of my study time and rare down time for them... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I am sorry but this has to be said: MOST men WOULD have a relationship if the right girl came along. When a man says he is NOT ready for a relationship, what it really means is: I am not ready for a relationship WITH YOU, but I WOULD absolutely have a relationship if a girl knocked my socks off! Nearly every man who thinks he doesn't want commitment, ends up committing when the right girl comes along. When the men who really feel averse to commitment melt I they meet the right girl.... I am not looking for a relationship but if the right man came my way I would make the time for him and I would happily give up some of my study time and rare down time for them... I dunno know Leigh...fear of intimacy and commitment IS a very "real" fear in our society today...and it has nothing to do with meeting the "right" woman. For these guys (and girls)...there is no "right" person....maybe at first sure! But eventually they will always find something wrong. And the closer they get and deeper his feeling get, that's when the fear rears its ugly head....panic sets in and they're off and running...often times with some dumb excuse like the OP's boyfriend did. Or in many cases NO excuse at all...they just disappear! He doesn't want to answer to anyone...and ALL women are like that? Really?? When the OP did nothing but give the guy space and freedom to come and go? Come on. Fear of intimacy and commitment is very real...just as real as fear of heights, fear of flying or any other fear. It's triggers a fight or flight response, usually flight. It paralyzes a person and causes a tremendous amount of anxiety. And the only way to alleviate that feeling is to end the relationship, again most times for the dumbest reasons. They usually return though, after the relationship has been over for awhile and the anxiety subsides. That's when they start missing the woman, and want to return. There have been threads on this board created by men talking about this very thing! Yes it's VERY real! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 He's clearly not interested despite what he says. He's trying to let you down easy. It may be that he's not particular looking for a relationship. I doubt that's all there is to it, though, or the relationship wouldn't have become so one-sided. He mentioned wanting to entertain himself with other girls. He's probably meeting new people since he finds it more interesting than speaking to a girl he's already been out with a few times. You were somebody new for him to talk to at one point. Now he wants to move on. Forget about him. He's not going to change his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 that was my bad I referred to other girls as "sluts" since I figured thats what he wants instead sometimes, women are each other's worst enemies... He doesn't want a girlfriend; more to the point: he doesn't want you as a girlfriend. His preference, to which he is entitled. He doesn't want to answer to someone and already from what you've posted, you're demanding he answer to you. It's no wonder he's sent a polar vortex your way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 This applies to dating 100% of the time: Not ready for a relationship - with you Link to post Share on other sites
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