bcnvicky Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Hi, I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable and would love to hear your opinion. My boyfriend (31) and I (27) have been together for the past almost three years (with a short break), we live together and have talked about marriage and kids, everything fine so far (although I'd like to be engaged already but well). I moved to another country for him two years ago. We met in a different county (not my home country.. haven't lived in my home country for 6+ years) while I was studying there (and he working). At that time, he had to go to my city for work like once a week or once in every two weeks. We were in a long distance relationship for a couple of months, then he asked me if I want to move to his country and live with him. After considering carefully, I said yes- I just finished my studies and didn't have a job yet anywhere. I really wanted to be with him, so I told him I'm gonna book a flight to his country (not even my continent) and stay there for three months to see if I find a job. If not, we have to reconsider what we do. Well, I arrived in his country and found a great job surprisingly quick. So then I stayed in his country indefinitely. Our relationship has been very great for most part and now I almost feel like home in his country. There are just this one problem. He cannot go a few weeks without visiting his family. In his culture, family is super important, which I usually find great. But he's 'addicted' to them to an extent that I sometimes can't tolerate. Until two months ago, we lived in the same city as his whole family. We went to see his family (parents, brother, grandparents, aunt) around 3-4 times a week, which is a LOT IMO. He never 'forced' me to go so sometimes I stayed home, but most times I went with him because he spends a lot of time with them, and if I didn't spend that time with him and his family I would have seen him a lot less. Then, two months ago, we moved to another city, one hour flight from his family's city (his job transferred him to this new city and I luckily managed to get transferred to). I thought 'Great, now I don't have to see his family several times a week' (although I do like them, it's too much). Well, and I don't see them much anymore- BUT he does. For work he goes to his parents city around once in two weeks. He always uses that time to have lunch with them, which is great for him. But that doesn't seem to be enough. Two weeks ago, he spend a whole afternoon with them because he got off from work earlier. His mom has birthday in three weeks and I agreed to come with him to his parents house for two full days for her birthday. Still not enough. Today he flew to his parents city just for the day (left very early in the morning, is coming back later tonight) to spend the whole day with them and to visit everyone else in the family. He told me a few days ago he will also be in that city for two full days in two weeks (a week before we go anyway to his mom's bday) because of a job training, so for sure he will stay at his parents again. Also he told me he's thinking about running marathon next week in that city, so he would see them again. NOTE: Some of you will probably suggest now that he's cheating. I know that he's not. He works for a plane company, so all of his flights to that city are free- I have to pay around 40 dollars to come with him to see his parents (just 40$ because I'm his girlfriend and get company benefits to a limited extent). I have his full official work schedule from the website (he gave me username and password) so I can always log in and check when he works and what projects he has where. Also, even though I don't like seeing his family all the time, I'm close to his mom and text with her every few days, she always tells me that her son just arrived at their house etc (without me even asking). And he calls me from their house and I hear them talking in the background etc and sends me pics etc.. so 100% sure he's not cheating. He's just super crazy about his family. Well, I think he's visiting the family way too much. I find it kind of unfair, because I left my continent to be with him, and therefore I cannot see my family whenever I'd like to. I see my family twice a year, because it's an expensive flight and it's far. Am I being selfish that I'm expecting that he should be a bit more soldary with me? Is it wrong to expect that going for lunch with them every two weeks and seeing them for their birthdays and holidays should be enough?
Author bcnvicky Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 Gotta push my thread up, it's almost disappearing without answers :/
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Its obvious that this man is very close to his family. If you try to make this an issue, I guarantee he will choose them over you. I don't see what the big deal is, and I think this is something you will have to accept if you want to be with him.
bathtub-row Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 While I admire close families, this does seem a little obsessive. I wonder what it would be like if you had kids and it wasn't so easy to go back and forth. This could be a big problem where you end up being left at home a lot, and feeling resentful. I think the two of you need to talk about this. If it's something you can't make peace with, you may have to consider walking away. Coming from someone who has basically lost my entire family, I would cherish a situation like this. However, you need to make sure he will take your feelings into consideration and that it's not always about his family, making you feel like you're competing with them.
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