lordbaelish Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Firstly, I know my concern is a generic one, and probably faced by a lot of people, however I am in desperate need for help. I am currently 21, and never had a relationship with a girl(other than my family members of course; not in the cersei and jaime way of course!). I've neither have had a romantic or platonic relationship with women, and of course this is very abnormal, humans are sociable creatures, and thus it is demoralising to not be able to socialise with people. I suffer from social anxiety, and I cannot find the inclination to approach girls I am attracted to, or people in general. I am currently feeling lost, alone and debilitated. I know i can be in a far worse position, however its just very depressing to see everyone around me form relationships, whilst I am left at home binging Netflix all day - there just isn't enough shows left for me anymore. I would welcome help from people that have been in similar situations in the past, or anyone with a rational head. If you do wish to disparage or mock me, at least be witty, so don't bother with 'cool story bro' etc. Just to let you know, despite being a 'virgin', I am not asking for advice on 'getting laid'. I just require some help in approaching women etc.
irresolute Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Act as if you don't care. Be calm, quiet and nice. Easygoing and approachable. Take care of yourself. But act as if you don't need anyone to be happy. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Get some help to address your social anxiety. But understand everybody has it to some extent. It's not that easy to be the 1st one to break the ice. I tell people to start small. For the rest of this week I want you to make a point to smile at at least 2 people you don't know every day. That's it. Just smile. Most people will smile back. I want you to get used to having that positive experience. Next week, keep it up, smile at at least 2 people. But now add saying hello. Again it's just a hi. Two little letter, one syllable. You can do this. Again, most people will say hi back. If you really want to hedge your bets, start with people who have to talk back to you, like clerks in stores. Do this for the rest of the month. Then in April you can add in a comment something trivial like the weather. 1
Author lordbaelish Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 Act as if you don't care. Be calm, quiet and nice. Easygoing and approachable. Take care of yourself. But act as if you don't need anyone to be happy. The problem is, acting as if I don't care is one of my shortcomings when it comes to approaching women. I've always had this stoic behaviour, because I am incapable of speaking to women, I just appear as a self-service machine to women - robotic that is.
Author lordbaelish Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 Get some help to address your social anxiety. But understand everybody has it to some extent. It's not that easy to be the 1st one to break the ice. I tell people to start small. For the rest of this week I want you to make a point to smile at at least 2 people you don't know every day. That's it. Just smile. Most people will smile back. I want you to get used to having that positive experience. Next week, keep it up, smile at at least 2 people. But now add saying hello. Again it's just a hi. Two little letter, one syllable. You can do this. Again, most people will say hi back. If you really want to hedge your bets, start with people who have to talk back to you, like clerks in stores. Do this for the rest of the month. Then in April you can add in a comment something trivial like the weather. I do need to address my social anxiety problem, it is a concern for me. Also, I like your idea of starting small, and then building up a new approach. Thank you for reading the whole think, I know it appeared a bit tedious.
Author lordbaelish Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 I will back this up 100%. My real life experience has shown me just how important these things are. Whenever I really liked a girl, or if I hit on a girl and was actually concerned about the result, I would strike out. The less you care, or at least the less you appear to care, the more attractive you will be. Always look at the bright side of things. Be the best person you can be and live life to the fullest. Women notice this sort of thing. No one wants to date a guy out of pity. They want to date a guy that has his crap together and enjoys his life. Yes, I fully agree with our concluding sentence. Women do want a guy who is well adjusted, and has everything together. It's difficult for people like me, I've seen many attractive women who look at me as if i'm nothing.
Author lordbaelish Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 So now you know part of what you need to do. So? Attractive women look at me the same way sometimes. I don't care and neither should you. It's the women who do not look at you this way that you should focus on. And to get more women to look at you the way you want, refer to my first post. Thank you very much for your support, and I mean that earnestly. It's common for people to ignore such pleas like mine, but thank you. In fact, thank you for all those who have posted on here, I will use all your advice, hopefully to get a date, at the least.
h0000 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) op,what is your life style? Do you just sit at home all day watching TV? Do you have habits? Do you have lots of friends? Do you work out? Do you try to achieve big in your career or try to excel in your university subjects? Lot of times we girls like guys who are well-shaped, clean dressed, ambitious, have a fulfilling life, are driven, have passions and/or are successful. It's not about "pretend like you don't care". It's more about "I have a meaningful life and it's not just about the girls". As to how to approach women, go up and say Hi Edited March 3, 2015 by h0000
Versacehottie Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 The first thing you should do is some professional help, like cognitive behavior therapy (fast and to the point) to address your social anxiety. If your anxiety overwhelms you, even a small goal in which you don't succeed can make you perpetuate the cycle. As you start doing the therapy, you can do the small steps suggested here or that you work out with your therapist that will expand your social stuff. And then you can work up to talking to girls and getting a date. Be proactive, have a plan, make it a priority! From what you posted here, I can tell it's of the upmost importance to you--as it would be to the majority of people. So set realistic expectations and really devote time and energy to it without beating yourself up along the way and realize it will take some time. Also change your mindset. About the quality of your life as it is now and it will grow and you can take that with you as you make friends and have dates. Like for example. Right now you are netflix'ing out. Ok, well you are seeing it from a negative perspective because of what you would rather be doing. But you did it and it's part of your life. You have to learn to love and be grateful for what you have and are doing, even while in pursuit of something else (a more fulfilling, social life in your case). IT WILL HELP YOU, trust me. Even though in a way it was passing time for you, focus on the good about ANYTHING you do. You will reap benefits and bring things to friendships and such if you do. So if you binged on house of cards, then pretend in your mind that you have a friend or girlfriend that didn't know about the series and you were telling her why you loved it and some interesting points. It's a change of perspective and preparing you for what is to come. Try to do that with all the things you consider boring and lonely at the moment. Change the wording in your head and way you view it. good luck 1
Author lordbaelish Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 The first thing you should do is some professional help, like cognitive behavior therapy (fast and to the point) to address your social anxiety. If your anxiety overwhelms you, even a small goal in which you don't succeed can make you perpetuate the cycle. As you start doing the therapy, you can do the small steps suggested here or that you work out with your therapist that will expand your social stuff. And then you can work up to talking to girls and getting a date. Be proactive, have a plan, make it a priority! From what you posted here, I can tell it's of the upmost importance to you--as it would be to the majority of people. So set realistic expectations and really devote time and energy to it without beating yourself up along the way and realize it will take some time. Also change your mindset. About the quality of your life as it is now and it will grow and you can take that with you as you make friends and have dates. Like for example. Right now you are netflix'ing out. Ok, well you are seeing it from a negative perspective because of what you would rather be doing. But you did it and it's part of your life. You have to learn to love and be grateful for what you have and are doing, even while in pursuit of something else (a more fulfilling, social life in your case). IT WILL HELP YOU, trust me. Even though in a way it was passing time for you, focus on the good about ANYTHING you do. You will reap benefits and bring things to friendships and such if you do. So if you binged on house of cards, then pretend in your mind that you have a friend or girlfriend that didn't know about the series and you were telling her why you loved it and some interesting points. It's a change of perspective and preparing you for what is to come. Try to do that with all the things you consider boring and lonely at the moment. Change the wording in your head and way you view it. good luck These are very valid points, than you very much for taking time to read my post, despite its length. Yes, I do require help for my anxiety, as it can be overwhelming, sometimes even in the most simple of situations. And I really do need to change my mindset, I often have a negative outlook on life, I really am a pessimist. Possibly the therapy for anxiety can also alleviate this issue. And yes, I do need to learn to love what I enjoy. Thank you so much 1
kart180 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Same as the OP as I did have trouble with women and been scanned. My mother said no more to dating
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