canuck53 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Hi there, everyone. I’m having real trouble figuring out how a professor in my department feels about me (I am a senior-level graduate student). I'm sorry... this is going to be long: We’ve known each other for about 5 years now, but only really started to interact more and get closer when I TAd for him about 1.5 years ago, and we discovered that not only do we work amazingly well together, we also both really enjoy each other’s company. Since then, I’ve TAd for him again, we’ve worked on a few grant applications together (for potential postdocs for me – sadly, one came back rejected , and the other I have basically no chance of getting), I’ve asked his advice on how to deal with analysis issues I’ve had, and we’ve talked about our lives, families, travel, shared love of wine, and on and on. I pop in for a visit almost every time I’m on campus, and we end up sitting there talking and laughing for at least an hour each time, even if it means neglecting other things we should be doing. Every interaction brightens my day, and he’s made it clear he feels the same. I’m 100% certain that he cares deeply for me, as I do for him, but what has never been made clear is whether there is or might be anything romantic in it. Personally, I know I’m holding those types of feelings back with sheer force of will, but not being able to read minds (or hearts), I’m having real trouble figuring out where he stands. Last time I saw him things got especially confusing, and it’s been completely preoccupying me. What’s going on in his head?! Here’s what’s happened: - We definitely tease and flirt. Nothing too overt, but definitely. I’ve seen him be a bit the same with some others, but not to the same degree. - He checks me out… I think. According to a friend of mine, he does this with others, though I’ve never really noticed - and until recently I was pretty sure that he didn’t look at me at all except for my face. I thought I noticed something last time I saw him, but I’m notoriously terrible at seeing these things, so I have no idea if it even happened, or if it’s happened before. - “Sweetie” and “my dear” have appeared in emails. I think the first time I had jokingly signed off with “Talk to you later, dahling”, or something like that, but there was no such thing in the second. “Hey you” is also really common as a greeting. - He compliments me. Again, nothing to overt. Just little comments about how he likes me/thinks well of me, or in the form of a joke. - He touches me (minds out of the gutter, people, just my face ). Both one-hand cheek and two-hand chin varieties. I’m sure he’s touched my hand at some point before (probably multiple times), maybe my back a time or two, and he’s touched my shoulder when he’s left the room briefly while we’ve been talking (in an “I’ll be back soon, don’t go anywhere” sort of way), but I don’t read too much into those… not sure if I should? - He hugs me – originally only once a long while ago, but more often recently. Both reasonably long, “normal” affectionate hugs (not just a quick hug, but not standing there holding me, either)… and then also, seriously standing there holding me for at least 30 secs. This last happened last time I saw him, twice within 10 minutes (more on this in my next point). It’s possible that he thought I needed comforting (I had recently heard about my funding rejection), but I’d been sitting there talking and laughing for almost an hour since we’d spoken of that, so it’s not like I was acting in any way upset at the time. - He kissed my forehead. This will take some extra explanation. I was getting up to leave (post a two-hand chin touch from him in response to a “Hooray, I get to go work now” sarcastic face from me). He got up too, and hugged me in extra-long comforting (?) hug number 1, mentioned above. We broke apart (partially – still touching, just not hugging), and then essentially stood staring and smiling at each other for let’s say 10 seconds (during which I was trying to figure out WTF was going through his head… was he maybe considering kissing me? I think there was a moment, but I could be wrong…). He then kissed my forehead (side note: I’m short), and hugged me close again – maybe 5-10 seconds this time. We partially broke apart again, and started talking about seeing each other again soon, etc, and about how I needed to go before my car got towed. We then broke apart properly, and I started to turn towards the door, still yapping about my car or whatever. I guess I paused in my walk at some point to finish my sentence, because he then reached out, performed a one-hand cheek touch (my response to which was to say - with honest confusion - “what’?”, to which he replied “oh, nothing”), and pulled me into extra-long hug number 2… which while it was essentially the same as hug 1, didn’t feel as much like it could be meant to be comforting, rather than affectionate. Argh. So there it is. There’s never been anything obviously sexual in any of it, but I can’t help wondering if there might be some interest that is more than just fatherly. What do you think? Is there (or might there be, if he believed it was possible) an interest in something romantic? Or am I totally mis-interpreting and his feelings for me are clearly paternal? Is it even possible to tell?? Funny thing is, I'd be completely happy with either! I'd just like to know, you know? There are a number of reasons for both of us to be hesitant to be more open about anything unless we’re completely confident in the other’s feelings, so asking and/or just going for it are out unless we know we’ll be well received. Even with what’s happened so far, there could be a situation if someone walked in, let alone if one of us were to react badly (pretty much all of this has happened in his office, with the door open, btw). I’m terrible at figuring out this sort of thing, so I am hoping that someone might be able to help me decode his behaviour. Any thoughts are appreciated!
salparadise Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 So there it is. There’s never been anything obviously sexual in any of it, but I can’t help wondering if there might be some interest that is more than just fatherly. What do you think? Is there (or might there be, if he believed it was possible) an interest in something romantic? Or am I totally mis-interpreting and his feelings for me are clearly paternal? It's seems there's way too much touching, hugging and forehead kissing going on for it to be completely fatherly, but I can't say so definitively. As you said, he's got way too much to lose to make a bold move without knowing that you're receptive. On the other hand, you could easily green-light him and all that you'd risk is embarrassment. If you want this to happen I think you're going to have to be the one to take the lead. It could be as simple as a well placed comment. At that point he'll either advance or retreat. If it's only fatherly affection then there need not be any more mention. If it's more than that, hopefully he'd ask you out (so as not to mess up the desk).
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 It doesn't matter. While he has control over your grade or your paycheck, him making a move cost him his career. If you like him, stay away from him. When you graduate do whatever you want. 5
Author canuck53 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 Thank you for your comments so far! I really appreciate them, and hope to hear more from other members! A quick reply to @d0nnivain: A point that hasn't escaped me. But I think it does matter! Having a better idea of what's going on will help me to decide what to do. If it seems to be true that he is/might be interested in me, then what you say is true, and there *would* be great risk to him. On the other hand, if his intentions are innocent, then were I to back away, not only would I essentially lose one of the people dearest to me for no reason, but he would also likely be left confused and hurt. For the moment, I'm simply trying to sort out whether or not I'm imagining things - what to do about it will come later! Thanks again for the reply.
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 You don't have to back away. Just keep the status quo -- no romance until graduation.
Mangina Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I have only seen in movies and TV I have never seen a teacher date a student.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Question is, is he married or does he have a girlfriend? Keep things professional until your graduate. later, then date him if he is available and single. 1
Author canuck53 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Ah, @d0nnivain, I see what you mean. Thanks for the reply! Since I'm seeing mostly suggestions not to let it go anywhere romantic until I graduate, I assume that everyone is interpreting his behaviour as "interested"? I really appreciate the responses so far, but I'm really looking more for interpretations of what his behaviour signifies than advice on what to do (or not do) about it! Thanks again, everyone!
Author canuck53 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Oh, and @salparadise: ...(so as not to mess up the desk). Bahaha!! Thanks for the laugh. Edited March 4, 2015 by canuck53
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I re-read your post. Except for the face touching everything else is equivocal. It could be romantic but it's more likely paternal. What is the age difference? If it's significant, give up hope now & assume paternal. If he's a young professor, maybe it's more, but again you do nothing until after graduation.
autumnnight Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Question is, is he married or does he have a girlfriend? Keep things professional until your graduate. later, then date him if he is available and single. I would be interested in the answer to this question.
Author canuck53 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 @d0nnivain, the age difference is significant. Thanks so much for re-reading my post! I agree it's all pretty equivocal... hence my confusion. @autumnnight, as I said in my post, there are multiple reasons why both of us would be hesitant to broach the topic with each other. One of which, yes, is that we're both married. Let's face it, though, being married doesn't necessarily stop a person from developing feelings for someone else. But having such feelings and doing something about them are two different things. What I'm trying to figure out is simply if such feelings exist (or might be on the verge of existing) on his side, since I'm terrible at figuring out this kind of thing (I mean really terrible. It's actually hilarious... most of the time). If not, then there's nothing for he and I to discuss, and everything can continue as is. If yes... well then that's another issue. In any case, @d0nnivain, I expect you're right. The more I've reflected on everything over the last few days, the more I've come to think that I'm ridiculous to even have thought of it as potentially more than paternal. Affectionate, clearly, which is wonderful - but I mean, really, how could it possibly be anything else? I feel totally absurd about it all now.
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 In any case, @d0nnivain, I expect you're right. The more I've reflected on everything over the last few days, the more I've come to think that I'm ridiculous to even have thought of it as potentially more than paternal. Affectionate, clearly, which is wonderful - but I mean, really, how could it possibly be anything else? I feel totally absurd about it all now. It's not absurd at all. He's somebody you admire. It was a crush. They happen. But aren't you glad you didn't do anything overt?
Author canuck53 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Thanks, @d0nnivain. I'm not even sure if I'd call it a crush, really. I love him dearly, and think the world of him, yes - and I wouldn't be surprised at all if it were to turn into more like *that*, were I to let it - but that's as far as I've let it go. Can you imagine if I'd walked in next time and said anything?! Sooo awkward and terrible! Bahaha 1
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