I am gay and lost my b.f.

[andrew]

Hi I am so very upset and not sure what to think or do. A guy from Hong Kong answered my advert I placed. I live in UK and wanted to meet a HK guy. He said he was 22 but later I found out he was 19 my age is 43. Well this was last august we started to email and then chat over the net for usually 2 hours a day we also sent text msg and i also got 300 phots from him and I also sent replies to him . he started to call me hubby and really it was nearly every hour of the day we contacted one another. Well I was lucky to go to Hong Kong in November and we had a wonderful loving time together. I was 100% sure he was true after I returned he booked to come to uk for christams. well he came and indeed loving was great however I did nearly everything for him well I loved him so. however after 16 days he went back to HK and we kept contact as usual. Well four weeks ago I rang him and he was very cold said he could not talk and so on as he was busy with chinese new year stuff. well okay I thought but he was still cold and said only unpleasent things. well i was so upset i said lets break it up. well he then explained that it was other reasons for why he was cold and that I should never ever have broken it off. wellthis happend about 4 times it was as if he was trying to make things so bad I would want to break it up. Well i went away for 10 days hoping to clear my mind and move on a bit, when I got back the phone rang and it was him saying hi but only on a friendly basis well he seemed very matter of fact about the relationship ending it jsut seems Iwas the one so upset to lose him. well since then when I am on line he sometimes comes on and we chat by voice over msn but its always everyday talk. it sort of hurting so much to think this is all he can do but I am so desperate as Ihave very few friends I need him so much. well at present he is applying for a ma course in HK when his studies end in june. he had planned to come to uk and live and be with me but I wonder now if that was just a reaason for me to help pay for his studies here I asked him but he said no. I just feel so upset and it does not gt any better I still love to hear his voice and talk but it hurts so much. Things like this has happend before with 2 guys from china however this time I was so sure it really has caused me to find it hard to remeber things what I am doing. most of all I feel so alone and rather scared its as if he must of been very clever in what to doin the way of love of genuine and i have destroyed what we had together. Hoping for some advise thanks

[Miss Mojo]

hi andrew,

 

i'm so sorry to hear about what has happened with your boyfriend. it sure is heartbreaking when someone you love so much has made you feel so happy and then the feelings turn cold on their side of the fence - especially when you thought their feelings were so true a lot of us can vouch for having been there before.

 

it's really hard to say if he has taken you for a ride or not, but judging by this comment - I wonder now if that was just a reaason for me to help pay for his studies here - it does make me wonder. but that could just be me reading into things. i certainly don't know this fella, you do know him however.

 

but one thing's for certain - you have not destroyed anything. it does sound as though this guy has being playing mind games with you by being cold and saying unpleasant things to you. any self-respecting person would break up with someone like that. personally, i think you did the right thing. you don't need someone to treat you like that andrew, you really don't.

 

perhaps your best bet would be to stop meeting people on-line. as you stated, this is the third time something like this has happened.

 

i have always been skeptical of on-line romances, mainly because it is so damn easy for someone to come across as something/someone they're not, even when you do meet them in person. i read a post below (can't remember what it was titled) where a woman met a uk man over the net who was married and admitted it in his personal advertisement. they met up with each other etc, things have gone cold and now she is hurt.

 

are you in london? i know that in london there are plenty of gay bars that you could go to. it would be much easier for you to meet someone and suss them out on a personal level, rather than on such an impersonal level such as internet dating sites. you are obviously attracated to men of asian decent, and surely in a multicultural place like london, you can pretty much have your pick!

 

i know you feel as though you need him so much now, but a big part of that "need" is because you have grown to love him and you're feeling very vulnerable. when you feel vulnerable, you always "need" the person you are emotionally closest to. one of my male friends whose girlfriend broke up with him said to me, "the one person i need to talk to and have reassurance from more than anyone is the one person who broke up with me". i know that feeling too. i think we all do.

 

as i suggested before, try and physically go out and meet people. go to gay clubs and bars and make new friends, and in time you will be able to put this behind you. you don't deserve to be given the run-around like that and you certainly don't deserve mind-games.

 

i hope things start to look up for you soon, andrew. come back here if again if you need advice. there are so many great people who come here frequently who give honest and logical advice, which you may need.

 

[thank you Miss Mojo]

Dear Miss Mojo,

 

Thank you so much for your reply its really so hard to talk to anyone as I am just one of those guyz with little freinds and your kind words have helped me a lot. I have now take the steps to just try to end all contact with him starting from today. A few days back it confirmed his coldness and I was just a bother to him while he was studying its seems he was just keep hold to me as a pal now in case I may be of use to him later on. I really don't understand this how people try to use other I have never done this and thus it makes me really sad and thinking so many are the same. However I will take your advise I have an interview in london for a job on monday

 

thank you once again for your help regards andrew scarrott

hi andrew, i'm so sorry to hear about what has happened with your boyfriend. it sure is heartbreaking when someone you love so much has made you feel so happy and then the feelings turn cold on their side of the fence - especially when you thought their feelings were so true a lot of us can vouch for having been there before. it's really hard to say if he has taken you for a ride or not, but judging by this comment - I wonder now if that was just a reaason for me to help pay for his studies here - it does make me wonder. but that could just be me reading into things. i certainly don't know this fella, you do know him however. but one thing's for certain - you have not destroyed anything. it does sound as though this guy has being playing mind games with you by being cold and saying unpleasant things to you. any self-respecting person would break up with someone like that. personally, i think you did the right thing. you don't need someone to treat you like that andrew, you really don't. perhaps your best bet would be to stop meeting people on-line. as you stated, this is the third time something like this has happened. i have always been skeptical of on-line romances, mainly because it is so damn easy for someone to come across as something/someone they're not, even when you do meet them in person. i read a post below (can't remember what it was titled) where a woman met a uk man over the net who was married and admitted it in his personal advertisement. they met up with each other etc, things have gone cold and now she is hurt. are you in london? i know that in london there are plenty of gay bars that you could go to. it would be much easier for you to meet someone and suss them out on a personal level, rather than on such an impersonal level such as internet dating sites. you are obviously attracated to men of asian decent, and surely in a multicultural place like london, you can pretty much have your pick! i know you feel as though you need him so much now, but a big part of that "need" is because you have grown to love him and you're feeling very vulnerable. when you feel vulnerable, you always "need" the person you are emotionally closest to. one of my male friends whose girlfriend broke up with him said to me, "the one person i need to talk to and have reassurance from more than anyone is the one person who broke up with me". i know that feeling too. i think we all do. as i suggested before, try and physically go out and meet people. go to gay clubs and bars and make new friends, and in time you will be able to put this behind you. you don't deserve to be given the run-around like that and you certainly don't deserve mind-games. i hope things start to look up for you soon, andrew. come back here if again if you need advice. there are so many great people who come here frequently who give honest and logical advice, which you may need.

[Miss Mojo]

hi andrew,

 

when i read this statement...

 

its seems he was just keep hold to me as a pal now in case I may be of use to him later on.

 

...i felt so mad at this guy that i don't even know. that is a horrible thing to put someone through. he's a fairweather friend and does not deserve someone as kind-hearted as you *no matter how much you love him*. i'm glad you've decided to cut contact with him. it's the healthiest decision for you. you are not someone's meal-ticket, that's for sure.

 

i know what it's like to be used too andrew, and i don't understand how another person can think they can try and get away with it. but i had the self-respect to get out of that situation when i knew what his ulterior motives were. but a lot of people out there don't use people for their own benefit, so please don't think they're all the same. they're not.

 

good luck with your job interview too, andrew. if it doesn't work out for this job, try again and just keep trying until you get what you are looking for. london is a city full of *many* opportunities, where you are bound to find what you are looking for. make the most of it, look our for number 1 (you), and you'll be back on your feet in no time. i promise!

 

miss mojo

[andrew]

Miss Mojo,

 

Hi, may I say thank you once again its really such a help what you have said indeed. I am going to be strong now and just let it go if he does want to talk or telephone after his exams then I must be strong and say I am busy no like before my heart just melts. Just now I do indeed feel so down and cannot understand how I let myself become in this way again. But thanks I will do my best for the job and will be open minded about any future chances too

 

regards and thanks andrew

hi andrew, when i read this statement... its seems he was just keep hold to me as a pal now in case I may be of use to him later on. ...i felt so mad at this guy that i don't even know. that is a horrible thing to put someone through. he's a fairweather friend and does not deserve someone as kind-hearted as you *no matter how much you love him*. i'm glad you've decided to cut contact with him. it's the healthiest decision for you. you are not someone's meal-ticket, that's for sure. i know what it's like to be used too andrew, and i don't understand how another person can think they can try and get away with it. but i had the self-respect to get out of that situation when i knew what his ulterior motives were. but a lot of people out there don't use people for their own benefit, so please don't think they're all the same. they're not. good luck with your job interview too, andrew. if it doesn't work out for this job, try again and just keep trying until you get what you are looking for. london is a city full of *many* opportunities, where you are bound to find what you are looking for. make the most of it, look our for number 1 (you), and you'll be back on your feet in no time. i promise! miss mojo

[Miss Mojo]

hi andrew,

 

Just now I do indeed feel so down and cannot understand how I let myself become in this way again.

 

hey, don't beat yourself up that you can't understand how you've let this happen. my guess is it's because you're a trusting person, and who doesn't want to believe that there is all good in someone we've fallen for? it's not like you were to know that he was going to act this way towards you. there's no way you would have predicted it, so don't feel bad. i just really hope that you can look on this as an experience that you know you won't go through again. the important this is that you can learn from your experiences and promise yourself only the best from now on.

 

i was once with a guy for much, muuuuuuuch longer than i should have been. i can now look back on that relationship and say, "that's one situation i will never put myself in again". i was really pissed with myself when i split up with him. i couldn't understand why i spent so many years with someone who didn't give me the respect i deserved. but then i realised, "it doesn't matter. what's done is done and it won't be done again".

 

i noticed that you said you don't feel you really have anyone you can talk to, so if you want to, e-mail me at <e-mail address removed> and let me know how things are going, or if you just want general chit-chat, feel free. don't feel you're under an obligation to e-mail me, only if you want too of course!

 

once again, good luck with things andrew