pavlovscat Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 I started seeing a guy two weeks ago. We had two really great, long dates. Lots of chemistry. Lots of sparks. On the third date, he came over to my place and we made out and watched TV. Nothing more serious than that. After that, we talked about it and both agreed that we wanted to be bf/gf. This was on a Tuesday. We made plans to see each other on a Saturday morning with one of his friends for brunch. Friday night, before brunch, I texted him that I wasn't sure I was ready to meet his friends. He said to text him one way or another the next morning. I texted him the next morning that I was in the mood for pancakes. He texted me back half an hour later that brunch had been cancelled. I asked him if he wanted to go out just us and he said that he was feeling super lazy and that he didn't even want to go to work later that day. I texted him that cancelling last minute was a little annoying because I wanted to see him. That night, I got randomly sick. (I have Crohns, it comes on randomly sometimes.) And I had to go to the hospital. He texted me that night to see how things were going and I told him that I had to go to the hospital. I then told him that I had been thinking about things and maybe I had misread the pace of things and that maybe we should slow down and see other people. He responded that he was fine with the pacing, it was just that his work was so hectic. (He works full time and goes to school part time.) He said that he was glad we had this conversation now rather than two months from now. I told him I got that he was busy. (I went to law school, I know what it's like to be super busy.) The next day, I texted him asking if we were alright, apologizing for the poor communication, and telling him that I wanted to still be with him. He responded back that he needed a couple days to think things over and that he would then text me. Now, obviously, I get that I don't text him until I hear from him. But does his response mean that things are over? Is there anything I can say now to make things better? Do I just give up on this guy and move on? I'm lost and could use all the direction I can get.
Vintage79 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Well - if I were the guy, I wouldn't date you anymore. You effectively broke up with him. You may hear from him, but if you do, don't get your hopes up that it will be the same as it was before. 1
losangelena Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Yeah, I would probably get that impression if I were that guy, too. You said you weren't ready to meet his friends and then said you felt like you should still see other people. All that after already agreeing to be BF/GF. If I were on the receiving end of that, I would feel like you're flip-flopping, especially so early-on. Also, is all of this happening over text message? Why on earth would you be trying to communicate these thing over text message?
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 It's possible he realizes that he may not be able to fulfill your expectations because of his busy schedule.....maybe he wanted something casual, so there is no pressure to see each other on a regular basis. Let him think it over, and come back here when he gives you an answer. Not sure why you are so invested when you only went out on two dates....maybe he thinks you are getting to clingy, and he's worried that you may become to needy. You know, commitment and all that is moving a little too fast for him. Plus that passive/agressive crap doesn't sit too well with some people.
Author pavlovscat Posted March 2, 2015 Author Posted March 2, 2015 It's possible he realizes that he may not be able to fulfill your expectations because of his busy schedule.....maybe he wanted something casual, so there is no pressure to see each other on a regual basis. Let him think it over, and come back here when he gives you an answer. Not sure why you are so invested when you only went out on two dates....maybe he thinks you are getting to clingy, and he's worried that you may become to needy. You know, commitment and all that is moving a little too fast for him. Half of me wants to text him that I don't have expectations on him. (I don't want him to feel pressured.) I was stupid to do what I did, which is when I randomly got sick like that and had to go to the hospital alone spooked me, I pushed him away because I didn't want to make him feel like I expected anything on his part. He's told me that he likes me as much as I like him, so I don't think it's that I'm coming off overly invested. I just got weird when I got sick.
Author pavlovscat Posted March 2, 2015 Author Posted March 2, 2015 Yeah, I would probably get that impression if I were that guy, too. You said you weren't ready to meet his friends and then said you felt like you should still see other people. All that after already agreeing to be BF/GF. If I were on the receiving end of that, I would feel like you're flip-flopping, especially so early-on. Also, is all of this happening over text message? Why on earth would you be trying to communicate these thing over text message? I was definitely flip-flopping. Getting sick and having to go to the E/R like that seriously spooked me out and made flip flop. I tried telling him that, I'm not sure he paid attention. Most of this conversation occurred via text.
h0000 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Apologize first but I find you super wishy-washy ,unreliable, flip-flopping, weird, unstable etc etc..however you wanna name it. I agree with the above posters and I would not want to date you either. you wanted to be his gf, then you didn't feel like it, then you felt like it again, then you didn't feel like it agian. now you want it again and want him to call you..SERIOUS? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Half of me wants to text him that I don't have expectations on him. (I don't want him to feel pressured.) I was stupid to do what I did, which is when I randomly got sick like that and had to go to the hospital alone spooked me, I pushed him away because I didn't want to make him feel like I expected anything on his part. He's told me that he likes me as much as I like him, so I don't think it's that I'm coming off overly invested. I just got weird when I got sick. No. Leave him alone now. You came across as too indecisive and you don't seem to know what you want, being sick or not. You agreed to be his girlfriend, then decided you weren't ready to meet his friends? I'm sorry, but that doesn't make a lot of sense. If a guy I had only been dating for two weeks said the things to me that you did, I would consider it done. You need to get it together.
irresolute Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 your communication was ok. He seems to be honest as well. I think your insecurities are playing against you but there's nothing you can do. He seems mildly interested, though. It's not that wow! He's madly in love or anything. Respect what he said and do not contact him anymore. Nothing is been said yet and you don't know what the outcome would be. just try to relax.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I would have been turned off if I was the guy as well with your comment about maybe wanting to see other people. What else is he supposed to think besides you not being interested anymore? You didn't just say, Let's slow down. You brought up seeing other people. Then you text him the very next day to flip flop? Do you even know what you really want? Give him the time he needs to figure out what he wants. If you really do want to move forward with him, stop with the indecisiveness. If he decides he wants to pursue a relationship, perhaps go the extra mile to show him that you mean what you say...such as having him meet your friends, etc.
Author pavlovscat Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 To everybody who says that I'm wishy-washy or asked if I know what I want. Yes, I want him. I want to be in a relationship with him. But, I was so sick on Saturday night (vomiting blood) and this illness stuff is so new that I didn't want to pressure him or make him feel like now that he was in a relationship with me that I had insanely high expectations. I don't. I wanted to give him an out if he wanted one. It seemed fair. While I wanted to give him an out, however, I also wanted him to know that I wanted to be in a relationship with him and that I did really like him. I know that those two emotions look contradictory, but they aren't. Nothing is ever 100 percent one way or another.
h0000 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) You told him you two should see other people--that is not "I want you but I don't want to pressure you". That is "I don't want you". Weird that your way of trying not to pressure people is to give them impression that you aren't interested. Also I didn't see any pressure here. You didn't even ask him to take care of you. And I see no sign of him wanting out and you just pre-assumed he may want one so you pre-broke up with him. Yeah.. I still would not want to date you. Sorry if Im being too straight forward Edited March 3, 2015 by h0000 1
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I would give him some space and come back to it.
losangelena Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 To everybody who says that I'm wishy-washy or asked if I know what I want. Yes, I want him. I want to be in a relationship with him. But, I was so sick on Saturday night (vomiting blood) and this illness stuff is so new that I didn't want to pressure him or make him feel like now that he was in a relationship with me that I had insanely high expectations. I don't. I wanted to give him an out if he wanted one. It seemed fair. While I wanted to give him an out, however, I also wanted him to know that I wanted to be in a relationship with him and that I did really like him. I know that those two emotions look contradictory, but they aren't. Nothing is ever 100 percent one way or another. That's understandable—chronic illness isn't something that everyone's going to want to deal with. But like the previous poster said, the way you conveyed that to him sounded a lot like you weren't interested. Hopefully you'll hear from him again. If you really wanted, I'd say you could probably reach out to him one more time and explicitly say what you WANT—I want to be in a relationship with you—and NOT anything that sounds like you're being wishy-washy. If he's done, then take this as a lesson, and next time try and be a bit more clear in what you're actually trying to say. Don't say, "let's see other people," if what you mean is, "I have a chronic disease, and you're under no obligation to take care of me at this point, and I just wanted to let you know in case you don't want to deal with it." Also, maybe don't text these things. 1
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