Kaylies Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Sorry this is so long. I just need some help. Most of my relationships have been long distance, so I'm kind of ignorant when it comes to actual physical relationships. Me and my bf have been dating since May 7, 2014. Before him, I've had a kind of bad relationship. But I made sure that those problems didn't carry over to this relationship. Me and my bf have a good relationship, but there's is always one problem that seems to keep reoccurring. My bf's sex drive is out the roof. We've never had sex, I'm still a virgin and even so, my sex drive is really low. I'd rather sit playing video games than doing anything sexual. Due to my bf being a truck driver and me being in school, we only see each other on the weekends. So I'm assuming this is why he asks to do things so much. Sometimes I don't mind doing things, but other times, I really don't feel like it. Whenever I tell him no, he doesn't get super pissed off, but he acts all passive aggressive. It makes me feel like ****. I love him a lot but sometimes this just really makes me rethink my decisions. He even tried to tell me that if I loved him, I should try to have sex with him and I had to let him know not to say that childish bull**** on me. Sometimes I feel so bad for not saying yes, that I do it anyway. He tries to touch me when I give in and it makes me feel disgusting. I have no idea what to do, I want the relationship to work, but this is making it very difficult. At some point in our relationship I'd like to have sex, but when I'm ready and not because I'm being pestered about it. Is it bad that I hardly want to do things. I understand that he hasn't had sex in however long, but I don't want to have to put away my feelings just because he wants to he's in the mood and I feel bad for saying no.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Keep in mind, every guy wants to have sex. Most guys are OK waiting for a while before having sex (up to a couple months TOPS probably), but eventually they're going to want it. Now the question is - are you a virgin because you want to stay a virgin until marriage? Or are you still a virgin because you don't feel like having sex with your BF in particular? If you picked the former, you might have picked the wrong BF. Not many guys are willing to wait for marriage. If you picked the latter, you probably have bigger issues in your relationship.
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 First off why are you still a virgin?? secondly did you promise that eventually you will have sex with him?? Lastly if you are repulsed by sex, it's not because of low sex drive. You have an issue with sex that needs to be addressed with a professional therapist. Seek out conseling, before you try to work things out with your BF. You need to fix your issue first. 1
GemmaUK Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Passive aggressive? Run! Get away from him as soon as you can.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Well from a guy's standpoint, when a girl won't have sex with us for THAT long, its somewhat emasculating. Especially if there isn't a determined reason for the lack of sex. You sound like you don't belong with your BF you just seem incompatible. Don't have sex with him if this is how you feel, you will just feel bad afterwards. You should seek counseling and find out what your hang-ups on sex are, because its not normal to be repulsed by sex. 1
Quiet Storm Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 You shouldn't feel obligated to do anything, and it's not right that he pressures you or puts guilt trips on you. However, the most natural way for most men to express their feelings for a woman is through physical contact. When a woman shuts down that mode of expression, it can create feelings of frustration and could make him feel unloved. I'm not saying that a man "deserves" sex. I'm also not saying that when a man wants sex it means he loves you, because it doesn't. What I am saying, though, is that when a man does genuinely love you, he wants to express that love in a physical way. And if he can't, then it will create conflict. He has feelings and no outlet for them, and doesn't understand why you wouldn't want to reciprocate. If he only wants it on weekends, I wouldn't say that his sex drive is "through the roof". I would say it's pretty average. Most men want sex or masturbate daily, so desiring weekend sex isn't extreme. It seems that since your sex drive is low, you expect his to be low. That's not realistic. I think you should be very clear about your expectations so that he knows what your boundaries are. Tell him that the pressure and the guilt trips are making you feel manipulated, and that you aren't willing to do ___ and if he is unhappy about that, then you two just aren't compatible. You could also find a way to compromise. You also may want to explore why your drive is so low. Are you on the pill or another form of hormonal birth control, or antidepressants? Medications, hormones, depression can all lower sex drive and whether you stay with this guy or not, it's worth figuring out why.
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Not sure why you BF is still with you. If his sexual expectations are not being met, the next step would be to end the relationship. He sounds abusive and would rather torment you, than find someone compatible. This relationship is unhealthy. You can't stay because you love him. A relationship needs, compatibily, honesty, RESPECT, proper communication, loyalty, partnership. Your relationship doesn't have those. Instead you have guilt, self loathing, rejection, abuse, no respect, poor communication, anger, resentment.
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Tip: in order for women to feel loved they need emotional support/romace. In order for most men to feel love is through sex. This is why he's starting to feel unloved, rejected, can't connect with you. If you are repulsed, it's also possible you are with the wrong guy. When you are in love, you want sex with that person. I feel you are being co-dependent....please read about co-dependency.
mightycpa Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Not sure why you BF is still with you.Because he's a truck driver, and it is difficult to find a GF when you're constantly on the road. He seems to be holding onto a pair of two's when he's really looking to hit the jackpot, probably because a pair of two's is better than nothing.
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 To any man who says "if you loved me, you would have sex with me" respond "if you loved me, you wouldn't push" Your virginity isn't the biggest problem here. It's your lack of desire to spend time with him doing anything. You already don't see that much of each other so for you to say you would prefer not to is a problem. the fact that you say you feel disgusting when he touches you also isn't good. Sex & foreplay (kissing, petting etc.) should make you feel good. Do you understand where the disgusting feeling is coming from? Are you ashamed of sex / your body? You certainly don't have to have sex with him but that is a bit of an extreme adverse reaction so exploring it's root cause is warranted.
StringsAndSticks Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Kaylies, I kinda feel a slight kinship with you, as most (if not all) of my past girlfriends have been long distance. And, my past two girlfriends, it seemed like sex was what they wanted most from me, which was VERY odd, because I'm not a guy that girls want sex with! Sometimes I would find myself thinking, "do we really have to do this?" But, most times I would because, even though I knew I shouldn't have been doing it, I didn't want to disappoint them, or make them angry. There's NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be sexual! This whole world seems like it has gone bat $hit crazy with the whole sex thing, to be completely honest. It's like I'm living in some weird bizzaro world a lot of the time! This whole "if you loved me you would" nonsense is just that... NONSENSE! If you're not comfortable with being physical, then you're not comfortable with being physical. If he can't understand that, well, I don't know how solid the future is for you two. I hate to say it, but that's how it seems to me.
BikerAccnt Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 To any man who says "if you loved me, you would have sex with me" respond "if you loved me, you wouldn't push" I couldn't agree more. Of all the things I read that you wrote, this one jumped out at me most. To me, it indicates he doesn't really care that much for you at this point. The reason you are still a virgin is immaterial. It's your choice, not his. I'd tell him that one more crack like that, and he's out the door. From the way you've described the relationship, I don't think that would be a bad thing.
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Because he's a truck driver, and it is difficult to find a GF when you're constantly on the road. He seems to be holding onto a pair of two's when he's really looking to hit the jackpot, probably because a pair of two's is better than nothing. That's what truck stop hookers are for.....he's just being lazy.
mightycpa Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 That's what truck stop hookers are for.....he's just being lazy. or cheap..... 1
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 It sounds like a deeper issue where you don't want to be physical with your bf. I wouldn't call it "Sex drive" since that isn't really apart of what you guys are doing. You may have sex and really like it, or perhaps not. I would try to figure out why you feel disgusted when you are being close...best of luck to you! I think it's great you are waiting until you are ready.
bathtub-row Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 If the two of you discussed it and agreed to no sex before marriage early into the relationship, then this shouldn't even be a discussion. I agree that you shouldn't feel pressured but I also worry that since you're aware that you have a low sex drive, you must realize that the two of you are HIGHLY incompatible. Based simply on that, the two of you need to go to Splitsville. I'd also suggest that any time you date a guy, you need to let him know this piece of information, or you and he will be completely miserable. This is not a secret you need to keep until you trap him into marriage. It's a huge issue that needs to be revealed. There are guys out there who also have a low sex drive. I'd suggest that you find one of them and stay away from the typical red-blooded guys. This is a very big deal and you need to be honest about it. For someone who truly enjoys sex, a low sex drive is something close to a death sentence.
preraph Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 How old are you? Now, don't get offended, but one of the other posters brought this up. Did you grow up in an environment where it was shameful to have sex? I grew up in something like that and it took me extra long to get past it. Then I rebelled and showed them. hah. If it's not shame or strict religious belief, then it must be just your sex drive. I mean, it can mean you're not attracted to him in particular, or you're not attracted to men, or you're just not very sexual. As far as you know, are your hormones at normal levels? You might check with a gyn who is a "hormone specialist" and do a hormone panel to find out. But as far as the immediate situation. You are not this guy's sex slave. If you don't want to do foreplay on him, tell him no. Now, no man likes to hear it, but he can't be making you feel pressure like that. It's not nice. Do you enjoy kissing him but just not other stuff? What is it? Or is he just having you do BJs, which are no fun for the woman anyway. Few women enjoy them and they should be for special occasions. Men like them better than actual sex and it's actually more intimate. If he's given you a steady diet of that, he may well have ruined sex for you. If he isn't doing anything to make you feel good, it's the guy. If no guy can make you feel good, it's something else.
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