keep thinking about ex

[toffeecream77]

my ex got in touch a month after we broke up, asking how i am etc. we emailed back and forth a few times, and he said how much it meant for him that we could talk. but in the end, i told him i didn't want to be friends - too many bad memories and he is an oppressive person. but now i can't stop thinking about him. i keep thinking how i have potentially blocked all lines of communication and maybe this was his way to stay in touch and maybe seek a reconciliation down the line, when he moves here (he did suggest something like this during the break up).

 

i not only told him that i didnt' want to talk, i told him that the break up was the best thing that happened to me and that i didn't think about him.

[Ruby65]

I think someone who really wants to be with you, wants to be with you NOW.... not maybe-someday-in-the-future.

 

I think someone who wants to be *friends* after a breakup is either doing it to assuage their own guilt.... or to keep you as a possible plan B option.

 

I also think someone who wants to get back together is going to make that clear to you, regardless of how badly things were left between you the last time you wrote.

 

You're free to contact him and let him know how you feel.... but I think all that's going to do is set you back in your healing. And possibly open the door to a line of communication that could be hurtful to you if he tries for *friendship*.

 

But you're the one who has to live with the fallout, one way or the other.

 

How long has it been since the breakup?

[Simon Phoenix]

If he wants reconciliation down the line, you blocking him isn't going to stop him. Stop trying to undermine your own healing. You aren't capable of being friends right now and you said he's oppressive. Why the hell would you want him back anyway.

 

You have to stop plotting to sabotage yourself.

[privategal]

This is the same Ive been experienced...not with an ex...but a friend.

I feel bad I reacted HORRIBLY to the friendship breakup and said things like never contact me again, Im changing my number and deleting email.

I think had I been mature and allowed time and distance we may have reconciled in future.

I feel horrible to have nailed the coffin shut so to speak with angry words and emotionally charged actions.

I think its best you stay quiet too. Allow him to miss you? Allow him to process his mistakes if he would come to the conclusion he was wrong hopefully he would still reach out after time, I believe so.

In my case, not as much because I really freaked out. But I was a great friend truly and the ending made no sense.

But for you, you drew a personal boundary and kept your dignity. A friendship makes no sense its love and romance you want so you did the right thing...if its meant for you, time will do its thing. Stay nc.

[toffeecream77]

Hi all. Just an update. It's been almost 4 months since I moved countries and I have been settling into my new job/apartment nicely. But it has been also very stressful and tiring for other reasons. Starting a life in a new city can be tough!

 

I noticed today that it has been 5 months since the break up. Mostly, I am doing just fine. Compared to other break ups from long term relationships, this one has been the easiest to deal with. Obviously, I come here when I am upset and missing him, but mostly I have been doing just fine because I *know* he wasn't right for me and I want better for myself.

 

My friends, who knew him, have been invaluable - they are always keen to point out how he never appreciated me, how he was too oppressive, sucked the life out of me, criticised me etc.

 

Because I have mostly put him out of my mind, I have started to forget all this and remember only the good. This put me back a few days when I started to miss him. My friends tho reminded me of some painful experiences and this has helped.

 

Not sure what the point of my message is. I just thought I'd drop by and update you all.

 

I am also thinking of counselling/therapy. I think it might help to really put things behind me and help me to get back to the person I was (I have lost myself a little). I have noticed that his emotional abuse has had an effect on me. I didn't realise it until very recently. I'm not as confident as I used to be.

[SLee]

Hi all. Just an update. It's been almost 4 months since I moved countries and I have been settling into my new job/apartment nicely. But it has been also very stressful and tiring for other reasons. Starting a life in a new city can be tough!

 

I noticed today that it has been 5 months since the break up. Mostly, I am doing just fine. Compared to other break ups from long term relationships, this one has been the easiest to deal with. Obviously, I come here when I am upset and missing him, but mostly I have been doing just fine because I *know* he wasn't right for me and I want better for myself.

 

My friends, who knew him, have been invaluable - they are always keen to point out how he never appreciated me, how he was too oppressive, sucked the life out of me, criticised me etc.

 

Because I have mostly put him out of my mind, I have started to forget all this and remember only the good. This put me back a few days when I started to miss him. My friends tho reminded me of some painful experiences and this has helped.

 

Not sure what the point of my message is. I just thought I'd drop by and update you all.

 

I am also thinking of counselling/therapy. I think it might help to really put things behind me and help me to get back to the person I was (I have lost myself a little). I have noticed that his emotional abuse has had an effect on me. I didn't realise it until very recently. I'm not as confident as I used to be.

I'm glad your doing, as you put it, "mostly just fine". That's better than a lot of other people, myself included!

 

My ex was also emotionally abusive and very manipulative throughout our relationship. He was possessive and controlling. In my down days, I romanticize it, with thoughts like "oh, he was being sweet by wanting to protect me and be there for me" but that is absolutely toxic and I remember how I wanted it to STOP during the relationship that annoyed me to no end and contributed majorly to my low self esteem issues. Thinking about the messed up stuff he did, like that, and seeing them as they actually are has helped me at my lowest points.

 

Therapy can be really good. Shop around for a good one. Good news is that you're taking all the right steps and healing. That's wonderful. You're going to be okay.

 

You're a very brave person. New job/new housing/new country/new city is all very scary life altering stuff. You're doing wonderful.

 

Best of luck. You're gonna do great.