pursuitofhappiness Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 So here's the story. My girlfriend used to smoke pot before she met me. I mean like every day all day. But before me, she had already cut back a lot but would still smoke at work. I told her how I feel about it and she knows I'm a clean guy and told me that she wouldn't smoke any more. Well, recently she came home a few nights in a row with bloodshot eyes. One night she was pretty giggly too. She told me the bloodshot eyes were because she showered with her makeup on, so I let it go. The thing is, it's really been bugging me. I know the people she works with are all pot heads and smoke at work. One of her coworker/friends who is a real solid pot head even just moved back to town and told her they should smoke some time (my girlfriend told me that she won't go smoke with her though). Her whole immediate family are or were pot heads too (including her dad, who is a whole nother story). Also, a few days ago she showed me this video about people smoking at work that was on some comedy channel online. Not sure if she was trying to see how I reacted or something. I used to be pretty darn critical about smoking to her, but not for long, and after that I told her that I won't be mad if she does smoke, I would just want her to tell me. I just feel though, that she wouldn't tell me because I know she likes me a lot and has even told me before that she is really afraid that she'll do something that will make me want to leave her (not out of the blue though, only when we end up fighting over something. we always get over it though). Does it seem like she is telling the truth or lying? Am I just overreacting or do I have a fair reason to be worried? I just have this gut feeling that won't leave me alone. If she's lying, what could I do to get her to tell me the truth before I find out from someone else. Honestly, I only want her to be truthful to me. I've even told her before that all I want is the truth if anything ever comes up that I should know. In this situation, it is more about knowing the truth than what she is actually doing. If she is going to smoke either way, I would rather know than be lied to.
Toodaloo Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 I think you are both heading in very different directions in life. As such I really do think you just need to end this before you end up with other complications. 1
toscaroscura Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 She was a pothead before you two started dating, so I'm not sure why you expect her to change for you. It's nice that she cut back, but this is something you knew about her going in. If you're a "clean guy" date "clean girls". Don't date drug addicts and judge them or nag them to change. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 She is back to her old ways. She will always chose the drugs over you. Your only decision is how long you are going to tolerate having a druggie in your life. Read up on the concept of constructive possession. If he's hold & in your car, YOU will get a criminal record for drug possession. Do you really like her enough to risk your whole future? 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 @d0n, depending how much pot you usually don't even get in trouble or they just confiscate it and send you on your way. My sister got pulled over and the cop found their weed and they didn't even take it away, just sent her on her way. @OP, It sounds like your GF is bsing you. I wouldn't really classify pot as a "hard drug", so I don't know if I'd call her a druggie... Does the pot cause problems with your relationship other than the fact that you don't approve? You have a right to make this a dealbreaker, but would you be willing to compromise with her? Obviously the lying is a big problem. Do you feel she is lying because you will blow up on her?
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted March 2, 2015 Author Posted March 2, 2015 @toodaloo What do you mean by different directions? And what other complications can arise? I really do like her and know she really likes me. She used to not be the hardest worker, but I've seen a change in work ethic as our relationship has progressed. However, I know she still does have some really bad influences in her life and some of them are there to stay. @barcode88 The whole issue for me isn't really the smoking. It's all about her being honest. And as for her being afraid I'll get upset. I think that's the whole reason she wouldn't tell me or won't tell me. The last time she wanted to, she was with me at a party and she said I acted pretty weird when she was going to so she didn't. She later thanked me for her not doing that because everyone who did smoke were just sitting around quiet for the rest of the night. Since then though, we've talked about it and she told me that she wants to be able to smoke if she feels like it without me judging or getting upset. I apologized for that one time I got upset about it and told her if she really wants to she can, just for her to tell me if she does. I don't think she's afraid that I'll blow up at her. I think she's just not telling me because she simply doesn't want to deal with anything at all about it and it's just easier to say she didn't smoke at all. But again, this is assuming she has smoked.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Well I think you need to decide if you're willing to accept her smoking first. If you can accept that - then you two need to talk and work on your trust issues, because you think she isn't being honest with you.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 This is off topic, but d0nnivain, you're exaggerating. I know a guy who got pulled over with a big bag of weed while driving and smoking. He went to court in a suit, apologized, and got off with a small fine and nothing on his record. One of my former neighbors got the cops called on him one night for blaring his music. The cops saw a bag of weed sitting on his table, asked him if that was MJ, and he said yes. They didn't do anything, just told him to turn down the music. I'm an occasional toker. I don't drink much - if I'm going to enjoy a weekend party substance, I go for MJ. Many of my friends are the same. Some even smoke daily, while leading normal lives with good jobs, etc. One of my sisters has been a weekend toker for decades and is a CFO making a ton of money. She has an immaculate image, and I'm sure no one outside her inner circle would ever guess she smokes weed. I think your girlfriend is still smoking and will continue to do so. You're right that she's lying because she's afraid you will judge her and leave her over it. But that's no excuse to lie. I think you need to make your stance on the matter clear. In the beginning, it seems you gave her the impression that you wouldn't accept it. Now you seem to have softened to where you will accept it as long as she does it away from you. What are your ground rules here? Get clear on them with yourself, and then communicate them clearly to her. Ask her why she feels the need to hide this from you, and communicate your stance. My last boyfriend was very straight edge (never even had a drop of alcohol), and I was 100% honest with him about my smoking. He was a little judgmental about it at first, but eventually accepted it, as long as I was discreet about it.
Eighty_nine Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 She is back to her old ways. She will always chose the drugs over you. Your only decision is how long you are going to tolerate having a druggie in your life. Read up on the concept of constructive possession. If he's hold & in your car, YOU will get a criminal record for drug possession. Do you really like her enough to risk your whole future? We're talking about weed here, not meth. I think you need to understand marijuana is a part of her life and accept that, or end the relationship. Plenty of people smoke when they're young. I did, often, still ended up with a graduate degree and professional job. I don't anymore because it got pretty boring after a couple of years. But she's going to stop when she's ready, not for a significant other. You could ask her to cut back- try to compromise maybe. 1
toscaroscura Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 You should never expect someone to be someone they are not. If you don't want to date someone that smokes weed, you don't meet a weed smoker than expect her to stop. Any potential GF should already be GF material to you before she becomes one. Exactly. When you start dating someone, you should already like that person as they are in that moment in time. Not contingent upon them changing things to suit your tastes. "Oh I really like my gf, except the pot and she's cutting back and also improving her work ethic etc" She's a pothead and maybe not the hardest worker. This is who she IS. Now. Sure she might, emboldened by the haze of infatuation, try to mold herself for your approval but all these changes won't stick. Change only sticks when it comes from inside that person. This subject is near and dear to me. One of my best friends is, frankly, a lazy party girl with no interest in college, and she always gets these guys wanting her to become more disciplined and maybe go to night classes. it just frustrates the guys and ends up making her feel like **** about herself.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 We're talking about weed here, not meth. I think you need to understand marijuana is a part of her life and accept that, or end the relationship. Plenty of people smoke when they're young. I did, often, still ended up with a graduate degree and professional job. I don't anymore because it got pretty boring after a couple of years. But she's going to stop when she's ready, not for a significant other. You could ask her to cut back- try to compromise maybe. Haha.. Was my exact reaction I think almost everyone has tried it at least once if not more lol.
SawtoothMars Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Honestly... I got nothing against pot... but no way could I date a pothead. The stench alone is so foul I wouldn't allow her near me. Not to mention the constant stupidity. I'm with Toodles or whatever... maybe it's best you just do some kind of FWB thing with her... or whatever the kids call it these days.
Mrin Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Ok I am from Colorado (where it is 100% perfectly legal) so I have a different take on it though I don't partake of it very often myself. Addiction: agree with others. This is pot we're talking about it. It isn't physically addictive. Mentally yes, but not physically. So it isn't like she had a coke relapse. Mental addiction can still be a big thing though - see gambling. Criminality: Not going to address that but in many jurisdictions recreational pot use in small amounts not a big deal legally unless you do something like operate a motor vehicle while high. Okay all that being said, to a Colorado-an like me, pot use is the equivalent of drinking alcohol or smoke tobacco. So when I read the OP's original post, I just substitute "slurring her words" for "giggly and bloodshot eyes". One of my questions is "pothead" the equivalent of "alcoholic"? OP: when you say pothead, do they use it to excess like your GF used to? All day every day? Or is it that they just use it recreationally? Is it their equivalent of a glass of wine after work or is it the equivalent of downing a bottle of Jack in a sitting? It is an important distinction as if it is the former then this is really more about her not being truthful. If it is the later, this is about excessive use (and the lying).
Mrin Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Honestly... I got nothing against pot... but no way could I date a pothead. The stench alone is so foul I wouldn't allow her near me. Not to mention the constant stupidity. +1 on the stench. But in civilized places you just vaporize it. As for the constant stupidity, not sure I agree. Many of the social pot consumers I know are just fine when using it. In fact, I know of a couple that it is like a glass or wine or two. I actually prefer being around them more when they've vaped a bit. As with most things, it is all in moderation. Aside: as I said in my post above, I'm from Colorado. Pretty interesting how it went from a "dude, I am so stoned" do it to excess sort of thing to no big thing in my circles. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw any of my associates stoned to the bejesus. But I have seen many pleasantly buzzed.
imss_1 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 I've literally just been through this OP and completely get where you're coming from. My ex was a huge pothead (6 joints a day, though he denies this) and lied about it all the time and tried to minimise his usage. In the end, like everyone else on the thread has said, you can't change someone, and that includes forcing them to either give up smoking or be honest. It sounds like you have very different lifestyles and eventually it might be too hard to stay together if you feel that strongly about being 'clean' :-) I myself am clean too and ended it with my guy last week. 1
Author pursuitofhappiness Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) When I say pothead, I mean smokes in excess. I know who she was when we started dating. I knew how her family was (for the most part). I knew her work ethics. I am not saying I have changed her. I AM saying that I have noticed changes in her attitude towards things. But I understand that those were from herself and not from me. If she so chooses to smoke, so be it, I like her and as long as it doesn't get out of hand and harm her or our relationship, I will survive. Sure, ideally I would prefer her to not smoke, but that is something that if I have to deal with I will. Not a deal breaker for me. The entire issue her though is NOT the smoking. I want to know if she is smoking to know if she is LYING. I truly try to trust her. She treats me well and makes me happy. BUT when she tells me that her eyes are just red from makeup in the shower after coming home from work with pothead coworkers, while I have seen her in and out of the shower without taking makeup off prior to the shower and no red eyes, I can't help but to have some doubts in her words. It's like someone wearing a dress telling you it's white and gold when it is obviously blue and black (just kidding). But in all seriousness, if it is wrong of me to have these doubts, let me know. If I am rightful to have these doubts, how can I confront her about it? Edited March 3, 2015 by pursuitofhappiness
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Just say to her: Do you think I'm an idiot? Your eyes aren't red from your makeup. You have been smoking. Why do you have so little respect for me that you think it's OK to lie to me?
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