His ex girlfriend called and now he's deciding between me and her?

[LifeandPerseverance]

He called me last night. I kind of knew he would based on what he said on the phone yesterday morning. I did my best to let him talk it out--he's really quiet.I basically told him everything I said in my last two posts here. And that I'm not angry with him. I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, and I'm sad--but I'm not angry with him for this.

 

Something he did say that hurt: "If this had happened months from now, once we were committed, I don't think this would have happened. But the fact is it happened after only a handful of dates." So if this had happened in July, he wouldn't still NOT be over his ex?

 

I did ask him what was so special about her. I've been so curious. Him: "We had amazing chemistry." Me: "...But she dumped you?" I also asked for the whole story of what happened with her. I figured maybe I was missing something huge. Basically, they dated for closer to 2 months. Halloween to Christmas essentially. And everything was fine, until they both went home to their respective homes for Christmas. and she didn't like that he went home for Christmas. She freaked out. And when he got back...BOOM. She dumped him.

 

I asked what she said on the phone the other day to explain why she did what she did: "She says she had dated guys, but I was her first real boyfriend. And she said she got scared because she knew I was moving. And she was stressed at the time and not happy about other things." ...Okay, so getting scared, and being stressed about other things makes it okay? And "She said she was giving me space to move on, but she just couldn't do it anymore." What I found funny about that comment: She's been fine giving him space for MONTHS with no indication of a reconciling...And then less than 72 hours after he adds a pretty girl on facebook, who obviously lives in the same place he lives, SHE SUDDENLY CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE? DOES ANYONE ELSE find that REALLY FUNNY?!!!!

 

The only thing that made me upset from our conversation is he said he's still talking to her. That quote "I really don't think things could ever work out between her and I, but I'm seeing if she can win my trust back."

 

Anyways, I wished him well. We were on the phone for 2 hours. And I told him goodbye and good luck. I wish him nothing but the best. And for whatever reason, I feel this overwhelming sense of calm still. It's not okay, but it is okay.

It's really weird. A week ago right now, I was waking up to the first really erotic text I'd ever got from him. And it was interjected with "I can't wait to see you again" and "I miss you". Last thursday, we were on the phone for a total of 3 hours throughout the day. We became facebook friends finally, a week ago today. He was driving home from a trip, and I was driving to see my grandma. Everything was great. We were laughing, and talking, and he was complimenting me on all the things he liked about me. It's hard to believe a week later, it's all over.

 

And for whatever reason, I can't help but feel like when I move on, and go NC, and actually get happy in my life and don't want to hear from him..I will. That when things head south with this girl, and he realizes what he had, he will be back. I could be wrong.

 

 

I have a life to live. I have an application cycle to wait out. A pilot's license to finish, a lot of laps to swim, a lot of miles to run, and a lot of hiking to do (he's also a runner, swimmer, and a big time outdoorsman--I thought I'd be doing these things with him, but I guess I was wrong).

 

When I get home, I have a date now. There was a guy I met on tinder the same time I met this guy, but I stopped talking to this guy completely, after I went on a date with "Mr. Wonderful". But we'd talked enough before that, that me just popping up out of the blue now wasn't weird. Anyways, we're going out for drinks when I get home. Will anything come of it? Probably not.

I also have a guy friend who's desperately wanted to hookup with me for months now. I've laughed it off, but now I think I actually might. I need to get over this "sex is special" mentality, and he'll be able to help me separate the emotional from the physical. To disconnect the two. I need to learn to be more casual, callous, and not care as much. So next time, maybe I can be the girl a guy can't get over.

 

Anyways, so this is how the story ends folks.

Edited March 5, 2015 by LifeandPerseverance

[Toodaloo]

Anyways, so this is how the story ends folks.

 

Nope - this is how the story begins.

 

The story of how you go on to find love and happiness.

 

Well done. Stay strong

[katiegrl]

I echo what Toodaloo said.

 

Also, he told you he and this chick had "amazing chemistry" and that's why she was so "special." WTF and you and he didn't???? From what you have shared with us, it sure sounded like you did!!

 

That remark would've seriously pissed me off big time. A very insensitive thing to say to you after just dumping you.

 

I take back what I said earlier about him. He's a toad, either that or just an insensitive clod! Or both!

 

NEXT!

Edited March 5, 2015 by katiegrl

[blueskyday]

I would only add that sex IS special. You don't need to go hookup with the guy friend of yours. It will only hurt you. This whole thing isn't about sex.

 

Don't throw away who you are because of this guy. Go out and date a guy who will appreciate you. You will find what you want!

[LifeandPerseverance]

Also, he told you he and this chick had "amazing chemistry" and that's why she was so "special." WTF and you and he didn't???? From what you have shared with us, it sure sounded like you did!!

NEXT!

 

Thanks everybody. And that's exactly what I thought! While I was driving 1600 miles in the last 2 days, I've had a lot of time to think. And something I hadn't remembered came to mind, on the topic of chemistry: I thought about something--the last time I was with him, he kept running his hands all over me (he's one of those very tactile people), and he blurted out, "You're really fun to touch." I was like, "Yeah, you're a red blooded male. Isn't it like this with all girls you're into?" His response: "No, not to this extent. I can't really explain it. You're way more fun to touch for some reason." And that was G RATED touching. Innocent.

Things got more heated, and just from making out..Let's say he got so worked up just from making out that he was hard for 2 hours, and pretty miserable for the rest of the day. I felt bad. His other comment? "Yeah, I'm a guy. I get turned on. But for some reason, I get turned on really easily with you. I don't understand this."

 

 

So yeah. If THAT's not sexual chemistry, from hardly scandalous things, I don't know what is?

[LifeandPerseverance]

One last thing--I had a sudden development in just one extra thing that may have made her second chance so hard to pass up. I serendipitously found out yesterday that his ex's hometown (where she grew up and I think her family still is), is a half hour from where he will be working all summer. I don't know if she knew that before propositioning him last week, or not, but suddenly it makes sense. From what he told me on the phone, she offered that she could "fly in" from where she lives to the airport there. Where she lives and is a grad student right now, and where he met her, is 800 miles away from his new duty post he'll have all summer. So suddenly it makes sense. She's a grad student--the more I think about it, the more likely I think it will be she'd probably go home for the summer anyways. No wonder she'd hope for a second chance--he'll be right there! If it just could have been any other city in America besides that one.

 

 

And here I am, like a complete fool, who was willing to do distance with him for no other ulterior motives other than I cared about him. I'm so stupid! I've realized..He's not coming back. Not now, not next week, not 6 months from now. He's going back with that girl. I know it.

 

 

Oh yeah--and I went on that date the other night. Was "meh" at best. Felt absolutely nothing. The one thing it did make me realize while I sat there and listened to another guy? Made me realize just HOW MUCH "chemistry" this guy last month and I really DID have. And Just HOW MUCH we had in common. And HOW UNUSUAL it was. Yet, he still threw it away.

Edited March 12, 2015 by LifeandPerseverance

[darkmoon]

he can not possibly be the only out-doors type guy

 

join some camping group, enjoy yourself

[sunshine2]

First.., don't call yourself a complete fool or stupid. You had NO IDEA this was going to happen. You followed your heart, you took a risk. I am so sorry this happened to you. I know it sucks. Im sure you are thinking about what you could of done different, and all that crap that keeps you up at night.

 

You found someone that you really connected with but unfortunately they don't see it the same way. His mind is on her obviously, so everything you did with him means a lot to you but not as much to him.

 

I've been there many times and I know exactly how you feel. The questioning about why how what... it just drives you crazy. But in the end, you have to let it go.

 

You will find someone who is 100% into YOU. You will feel that connection again I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

One last thing--I had a sudden development in just one extra thing that may have made her second chance so hard to pass up. I serendipitously found out yesterday that his ex's hometown (where she grew up and I think her family still is), is a half hour from where he will be working all summer. I don't know if she knew that before propositioning him last week, or not, but suddenly it makes sense. From what he told me on the phone, she offered that she could "fly in" from where she lives to the airport there. Where she lives and is a grad student right now, and where he met her, is 800 miles away from his new duty post he'll have all summer. So suddenly it makes sense. She's a grad student--the more I think about it, the more likely I think it will be she'd probably go home for the summer anyways. No wonder she'd hope for a second chance--he'll be right there! If it just could have been any other city in America besides that one.

 

 

And here I am, like a complete fool, who was willing to do distance with him for no other ulterior motives other than I cared about him. I'm so stupid! I've realized..He's not coming back. Not now, not next week, not 6 months from now. He's going back with that girl. I know it.

 

 

Oh yeah--and I went on that date the other night. Was "meh" at best. Felt absolutely nothing. The one thing it did make me realize while I sat there and listened to another guy? Made me realize just HOW MUCH "chemistry" this guy last month and I really DID have. And Just HOW MUCH we had in common. And HOW UNUSUAL it was. Yet, he still threw it away.

Edited March 12, 2015 by sunshine2

[Redhead14]

If anyone has seen my other posts--I went on my first date with this guy a month ago. We've been going out since, he deleted his tinder because of me (and told me so) and told me quote "I don't want to pursue other girls". I went out of town a couple weeks ago, and while I've been gone, he's been calling me EVERY DAY, usually multiple times a day. We're finally friends on facebook. He's been telling me how excited he is for me to get back. I come home tomorrow (or rather, I start the long arderous 3 day drive home tomorrow), and the reason I was leaving tomorrow, was to come home to him as soon as I could. He texts me good morning and good night every day. He gets doors for me. He holds my hand in public. And he's been nothing but good to me. For the first time in a long time..I've started believing not all men are the same. And maybe just maybe it's worth putting my guard down and letting him in.

 

He called me at noon today, we talked for 40 minutes. Everything was great. Discussing my driving strategy. Then...I hadn't heard from him since. I felt like something was off--so I texted him I was going to bed. He texted back and seemed distant. I asked if he was okay. He called. I asked again. Then he told me...

I know from previous conversations, he was dating a girl in (insert city, state here) for a month and a half last fall. He's told me in the past that when he moved away the day before Christmas, SHE announced to him she wasn't interested in long distance, and that was that. He seemed over it. Until today. He told me on the phone just now, she called him this afternoon, apologized for the way she handled and ended things, and asked for a second chance. And he told me quote "and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm deciding. I fell really hard for her. But I also really like you."

 

I'm blown away. I can't stop crying. I really had the nerve to think someone was different. Initially I felt angry. Now I'm starting to feel resolve, but I NEED ADVICE.

I feel like..he shouldn't have to choose--If I'm so great, and he really likes me..Shouldn't it be ME, by default? Like he shouldn't even have to think about it? I should mention he's moving in a month--further west. He'll be fairly close to me, but 15 hours drive from her. Right now, he's a 14 hour drive from where she lives, and I live close to him--why is he even thinking about it?

Three quotes stand out to me: "if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” and "When your past comes calling, don't answer. It doesn't have anything new to say." And lastly "Why give someone out there a second chance when there's someone who deserves a first". I know I gave a second chance once--what happened? The guy cheated, and I later ended up with a broken arm, because of my forgiveness.

 

I really was trusting of this new guy--now, I feel like even if he chooses me, I don't know if I'll ever trust him again--I'll always wonder what ex could come out of the woodwork and make him just leave.

They only dated a month and a half. I know she took him home and had sex with him on the second date. I know they never labeled things. And I know from a past conversation, he wasn't even 100% she wasn't sleeping with others.

 

 

And then we have me. He and I have been on 4 dates. Talked on the phone enough to take a chunk out of my Verizon plan. And had plans to see each other when I got back. And then there's my sexuality--he knows I would have slept with him after a commitment, but we haven't had sex. I've had sex once in my life, and I was willing to trust him enough to share that experience with him again when I got home--a big deal for me.

 

I just need advice on what to do. Part of me feels like I should just call him in the morning and make the choice easy for him--remove one of the variables: Me. Advice? What would you people do? Do you agree or disagree that if he was really into me, a phone call from a 1.5 month ex in the past wouldn't have shaken him? If I was really so great, and so pretty, why?

 

 

Also..the thing that makes me feel even dumber..There's a box of cookies I made him, at his post office right now. That he has to go pick up tomorrow. And yes, he knew they were there this morning, before his phone call.

 

You two have only been on 4 dates. You are way too involved emotionally with a man you've only known for a month. It is entirely too soon for you to be trying to hang on to someone you don't really know well at all.

 

He's not and shouldn't be so invested in you either as to not consider dating anyone else let alone his "ex".

 

Don't do anything at all. Don't call, text. Let him have the space to make his decision whatever it may be. You are not in a relationship with him. Even if you two had declared exclusivity, it doesn't mean you are in a relationship. Even in exclusivity, each party can date others, but not be intimate with the others. If they decide to be intimate, proper protocol would be to tell the first one that they are moving on. He really doesn't owe you anything. He should not have told you that he was in the process of making a choice though.

 

You have only been on 4 dates. At this point, you should not be in the habit of texting good night to him. I know it seems trite or small. But very early on, the woman should only reciprocate, never initiate any thing, calls, texts or dates. He can text you good morning or good night, whatever, and she responds. There should not be 40 minute phone calls either. All that takes away some of the "mystery".

 

Like I said, don't call or text or bother him in any way. It will not convince him to stay with you and more than likely push him farther away because he's feeling pressured.

 

This scenario is the one of the main reasons why men and women should manage their expectations and emotions for quite some time in a dating scenario. This stuff happens, especially early on, and often. You've invested way too much and too soon.

 

You go out on dates with other people immediately. You do not owe him anything either.

 

The quotes you cited above do not apply to your situation -- "if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. . Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” He does not love you. If he says he does, it's all about the endorphin high people get when they start dating someone new. That's not love.

 

and "When your past comes calling, don't answer. It doesn't have anything new to say." The previous girl is not so far in the past as he had forgotten her even though you said he "SEEMED" to be. They didn't know each other well and here wasn't any animosity between them either apparently, so there may actually be something new to say

 

And lastly "Why give someone out there a second chance when there's someone who deserves a first". You give someone a second chance when the first chance never had the opportunity to be properly explored.

[idoltree]

One last thing--I had a sudden development in just one extra thing that may have made her second chance so hard to pass up. I serendipitously found out yesterday that his ex's hometown (where she grew up and I think her family still is), is a half hour from where he will be working all summer. I don't know if she knew that before propositioning him last week, or not, but suddenly it makes sense. From what he told me on the phone, she offered that she could "fly in" from where she lives to the airport there. Where she lives and is a grad student right now, and where he met her, is 800 miles away from his new duty post he'll have all summer. So suddenly it makes sense. She's a grad student--the more I think about it, the more likely I think it will be she'd probably go home for the summer anyways. No wonder she'd hope for a second chance--he'll be right there! If it just could have been any other city in America besides that one.

 

 

And here I am, like a complete fool, who was willing to do distance with him for no other ulterior motives other than I cared about him. I'm so stupid! I've realized..He's not coming back. Not now, not next week, not 6 months from now. He's going back with that girl. I know it.

 

 

Oh yeah--and I went on that date the other night. Was "meh" at best. Felt absolutely nothing. The one thing it did make me realize while I sat there and listened to another guy? Made me realize just HOW MUCH "chemistry" this guy last month and I really DID have. And Just HOW MUCH we had in common. And HOW UNUSUAL it was. Yet, he still threw it away.

 

Your realization makes sense. If they will be close this summer that probably did tempt him toward her.

 

You did share amazing chemistry with him. I've had that a few times in my life. It's real, but it doesn't mean that a relationship will work, because there's that other nasty and inconvenient thing that comes in to muck things up: timing.

 

I still think that you had an issue with timing with this guy. It's not about your worth or her worth, it's about timing and attachments.

 

Him choosing to be with her (or being tempted that way) does not negate what the two of you shared. It doesn't mean that you have to be angry or that you have been wronged. It just didn't work at this point in time. And it certainly doesn't mean you won't meet someone else. You had one lousy first date; that's not a lot, and first dates can be a chore. But keep going on them because you just have to meet one guy where you share chemistry and where the timing is right.

[fitnessfan365]

Girls tend to over romanticize things in their head. OP, I get that since it's new and you guys are still in the honeymoon phase, this guy just seems like the best thing walking to you. However, you two have only been together for ONE MONTH.

 

He was probably with his ex GF for awhile and has some unresolved feelings. So I'm sorry. Even though she's an ex, you can't compare one month of new dating to the history of a past relationship.

[preraph]

Don't be at all available to him. He may try to cry on your shoulder or go back and forth. They broke up after 2 months, which is nothing, because she didn't want him to leave for Christmas. She's going to smother him. But you get yourself back out there and date other people.

[Eighty_nine]

I'm not sure what the point is of reiterating that they'd only been on 4 dates, other than to make her feel embarrassed about her feelings. It's pretty normal for women and men to be hopeful at that point and equally normal for them to be disappointed when it doesn't work out.

 

Yes, there's something to be said for managing expectations so early on. But theres lots of "feelings-shaming" around here. It's perfectly OK to really like someone after four dates (and what sounds like lots of communication in between).

[Redhead14]

I'm not sure what the point is of reiterating that they'd only been on 4 dates, other than to make her feel embarrassed about her feelings. It's pretty normal for women and men to be hopeful at that point and equally normal for them to be disappointed when it doesn't work out.

 

Yes, there's something to be said for managing expectations so early on. But theres lots of "feelings-shaming" around here. It's perfectly OK to really like someone after four dates (and what sounds like lots of communication in between).

 

It's not about shaming her for her feelings. No one intends that. It's about keeping things in perspective at a time when she is hurting and confused and maybe not thinking clearly about the reality of the situation.

[snowflakes88]

I'm not sure what the point is of reiterating that they'd only been on 4 dates, other than to make her feel embarrassed about her feelings. It's pretty normal for women and men to be hopeful at that point and equally normal for them to be disappointed when it doesn't work out.

 

Well, to be fair... according to the OP, something was wrong with this guy because he wasn't over his ex by exactly January 20, since that was precisely half the time he dated her. This goes to show that the length of time you dated someone / how long it takes you to get over it isn't always some objective, rational thing that should be judged so harshly.

[fitnessfan365]

I'm not sure what the point is of reiterating that they'd only been on 4 dates, other than to make her feel embarrassed about her feelings. It's pretty normal for women and men to be hopeful at that point and equally normal for them to be disappointed when it doesn't work out.

 

Yes, there's something to be said for managing expectations so early on. But theres lots of "feelings-shaming" around here. It's perfectly OK to really like someone after four dates (and what sounds like lots of communication in between).

 

Really liking someone after four dates is perfectly understandable.

 

I just didn't care for her attitude of "There's no way he should want her more than me." You have to be more realistic and understanding. This is a girl he had a lot of history with, and he barely knows the OP. So it's understandable that he has doubts and still has feelings for his ex. All that history trumps four dates. I'm sorry, but it does.

Edited March 13, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[whichwayisup]

Oh yeah--and I went on that date the other night. Was "meh" at best. Felt absolutely nothing. The one thing it did make me realize while I sat there and listened to another guy? Made me realize just HOW MUCH "chemistry" this guy last month and I really DID have. And Just HOW MUCH we had in common. And HOW UNUSUAL it was. Yet, he still threw it away.

You did nothing wrong. It's him. He just wasn't over her and still had feelings for her which I'm sure came out when she contacted him.

 

His loss, really it is. Sorry that you're hurting though.

 

 

 

And for whatever reason, I can't help but feel like when I move on, and go NC, and actually get happy in my life and don't want to hear from him..I will. That when things head south with this girl, and he realizes what he had, he will be back. I could be wrong.

 

Delete him off your facebook and block him. Delete his number out of your phone and block him there too.

 

Do not take this guy back. And yes he may contact you when/if things don't work out with his ex.

Edited March 13, 2015 by whichwayisup