His ex girlfriend called and now he's deciding between me and her?

[SawtoothMars]

This I really wonder myself. He did tell me on our last date though, he deleted his tinder because of me. Because quote "with the way things were going with me, he didn't want to pursue other girls." And told me he wasn't going to be going on dates with other girls. Does that classify as exclusive? Or not?

 

You have enough information to put an end to this charade. Make that choice for him.

 

Indecisive people suck!

[Hopeful30]

If a man needs to think about it, then he doesnt really want you. End of story.

[katiegrl]

I can't stop thinking about his comment.

 

"I don't know what to do. I really fell hard for HER, but I like you too."

 

Gee thanks!! Ugh.

 

Tell him to go back to her and have a nice life. He is clearly NOT over her.

 

End of story.

 

I am sorry hon but you were a rebound.

 

Lesson learned for next time. NO rebound relationships... the ex's always come back to haunt you in one way or another.

[Winterina]

I just noticed how you said: I am so great why wouldn't he want to chose me... I am much better looking too, I saw her FB pics.

 

 

Love and attraction work in mysterious way, don't they?

 

 

Apparently, to him she was pretty and great enough to have to think about it. So what he is going to do is go back with her and see how that feels and if she really wants him back. Then if it works out, he will dump you. The only way he will stay with you is if it doesn't work with her. So you have basically become a second choice.

[Versacehottie]

awwww sh*t!!!! I liked this guy and your story. Well now it definitely makes sense that he laid things out on the table like that. He's an emotional type. Just considered yourself informed that if you guys work out there will be more of these proclamations and ups and downs. To be seen, if he is actually being uber honest and felt the need to tell you or is just overly dramatic.

 

I agree with your mom, for now. a 3 day drive is time to think about your feelings. I wouldn't do anything rash for now but drop his frickin priority LOW and I mean LOW. See how this makes you feel. If you take back the power in your own mind and know YOU are the one who is going to make a decision about what you want to do with HIM it will help a lot. But be cautious. People are not perfect. Surprise, surprise when you look at couples that are actually together--a lot of them didn't get that way with a perfect unbumpy road. A month is not a long time--still getting to know one another. Which applies to you and HER. Realize half of his "issue" is trying to fix his ego by considering her offer.

 

You are still learning about him. He just exposed a big part of himself. Can you live with it? Meaning would you be able to move forward with a person like this who has these sorts of swings? Don't cut off your nose to spite your face. I know plenty of situations like this too. It's a 50/50 call. Take your anger out of your decision about him but put the energy it creates into yourself. BTW, when I say drop his priority low, put yourself back into dating others as well and make sure he knows you are doing so and that you're taking time to re-evaluate things yourself.

[Gary S]

You can't love more than one person... obviously his interest is low.

 

I'd cut contact immediately, but that's just me. He who breaks up first is the one who gets to exercise their free will and feels better about the whole thing. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute. That's the stone-cold truth.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I wouldn't be an option for someone. Too much self-respect for that ****.

[katiegrl]

I just noticed how you said: I am so great why wouldn't he want to chose me... I am much better looking too, I saw her FB pics.

 

 

Love and attraction work in mysterious way, don't they?

 

 

Apparently, to him she was pretty and great enough to have to think about it. So what he is going to do is go back with her and see how that feels and if she really wants him back. Then if it works out, he will dump you. The only way he will stay with you is if it doesn't work with her. So you have basically become a second choice.

 

Agree. As MY mom always said..never settle for sloppy second.

 

Now THAT was good advice!

[idoltree]

I wouldn't be an option for someone. Too much self-respect for that ****.

 

But isn't dating someone a month with no commitment yet, like, the exact definition of someone being an option? You date someone because you are sussing them out as a relationship partner. That person is an option as there is no commitment.

 

I guess I'm having a hard time following why this single guy feeling confused about who he wants to pursue being such a slight on OP.

[Mrin]

At first I was all... oh hellz no!!!

 

But now I am more inclined to agree with some of the other posters. Not sure you two were a thing yet. Or exclusive. What I do think is that you were his rebound and that he's an emotional dude.

 

Have fun on the drive and hopefully you'll be in a better place when you're done.

 

EDIT: By the way, LDR's are ALL about trust. Not just any trust. But trust you so much that I can't even imagine not trusting you. Not sure you're gonna get that from this guy. So this is probably all for the best.

[EgoJoe]

My Ex came calling when my dating profiles disappeared. She wanted to rage at me and pull the leash that had been gone for a long time.

 

 

She forgets who left whom.

 

 

Personally. I would straight up tell him that you are going to walk away from him and once you do that is that.

 

 

You don't appreciate a false start and that you highly doubt his Ex is bring genuine. Say nothing else and wait for him to message back. Post here for advice. We'll get you through this.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

But isn't dating someone a month with no commitment yet, like, the exact definition of someone being an option? You date someone because you are sussing them out as a relationship partner. That person is an option as there is no commitment.

 

I guess I'm having a hard time following why this single guy feeling confused about who he wants to pursue being such a slight on OP.

 

Yes - you are correct. But dating requires discretion. I don't go around parading about who else I'm dating - it's disrespectful.

 

You don't tell someone that you're dating that you might still have feelings for your EX, but "you're great too". It's just uncalled for and rude.

[EgoJoe]

Trying to define what's acceptable from others and crying foul when they never meet untold expectations is in my opinion folly.

 

 

Define to yourself what you'll accept and when necessary to others. Act and feel accordingly. Cut yourself some slack and reserve your patience for those who deserve it.

[bathtub-row]

Too many questions, too much confusion, too much, too soon. I would personally never let someone tell me that they're trying to make a choice between me and someone else. I'd take myself out of the equation.

[preraph]

My best piece of advice is to start going out with friends or dates or whatever. It works in your favor in multiple ways when you have someone riding the fence. First, gives you your pride back. He's not sitting around pining, and now neither are you. You're single. Go out with friends. If you have none, go out with yourself and make new friends. If you have a man waiting in the wings, go out with him. Throw a party and ask all your friends to bring extra men and don't invite your feckless toad. Just put your chin up and make yourself go be social even though I know you don't feel like it. It will make you feel better and it will give him something to chew on when you are not always available. Trust me, it's the best remedy.

[h0000]

You only know him for a month, why so hung up on him? And you are reading why too much on what he said (about you, about his feelings,about that girl). When a guy says "I love you so much" doesn't always mean he loves you so much.

6 months ago I were you,dating a guy for a month and it were really really good until one day he dropped a bomb " I'm giving my ex another chance" and I was thinking like you "He said he's over her. He said I'm so unique. He said I'm the best he can get. How can he choose her? This doesn't make sense!" blah blah...

Who cares what he says. He probably lied about his story with her. A week later you won't give a crap about why he did this anymore.

I told myself to move the F on and funny thing is he is now begging me to take him back. But I already started seeing someone else.

[Satu]

If he can't decide who to be with, he doesn't deserve to be with either.

[LifeandPerseverance]

You don't appreciate a false start and that you highly doubt his Ex is bring genuine. Say nothing else and wait for him to message back. Post here for advice. We'll get you through this.

Thank you and this hits the nail on the head.

 

After I wrote this, he texted me "Good morning! I hope you got some sleep last night." and then, an hour later "These cookies are delicious!" (indicating he went to the post office and picked up the box). I never replied.

Who knows--maybe he can eat his cookies while he's on the phone with her!

 

 

I figure I should go NC while I sort this out for myself, and finalize my decisions regardless. Right?

[Leigh 87]

Idoltree - is obviously content with men not being that into her in the first month. The slower burn works well for many people but for me it just don't cut it.

 

I would rather wait longer and seek the type of men who are really into me and who feel the right chemistry and spark factor with me - men who are REALLY feeling it and who fall hard for a woman DO NOT consider leaving them after a few weeks.

 

There are men who will like you a lot, then there are men who will REALLY be into you enough to exclude all other options..

 

Please note, there is NO correlation between the initial stage and how hard a man falls, and the length or whether or not the relationship lasted at all! In fact, most lasting relationships don't start with a bang or fireworks, and rather, two people who aren't falling hard or who aren't feeling very strong emotions in the start, last the distance.

 

HOWEVER - it depends what YOU want. You are a unique individual. YOU can go after what YOU want - just as I go after what I want! Internet strangers can tell you " well he only just met you, why does it matter that you weren't the obvious choice, he barely knows you after all"

 

I call horse sh*t. It IS NOT okay with you and it certainly wouldn't fly with me! Yes I need more than the initial infatuation and instant fire works - however, I only want to date men who are really into me by one or two weeks in - I ONLY want to date the men who I DO have that intense chemistry with - enough for them to feel strongly enough about ME and OUR potential, to the exclusion of all others.

 

Simply put; I want to date men who are really into me to the point of not being able to consider other options. From date one. The right chemistry and a certain spark DO make a man feel this way about you. I have HAD it and I know couples who had it and have lasted!

 

It is OKAY for us both to not feel comfortable dating a guy who has to "choose" between us and others.

 

It doesn't mean we will remain single for life! If you are a cool person and have a unique style and you have enough going for you, which it sounds like you do, I am SURE you will find your man who is just really into you to the point of not even NEEDING to pick between you or other girls!!

 

There are those you fall harder for than others. Believe it or not, I have seen men who fell so hard for a girl that they would simply just not even be OPEN to going back to some ex. I know man who were SO into their partners by the first two weeks together - that they simply didn't HAVE the capacity to go back to an ex! They were just too into and infatuated with their new girls, the chemistry was too strong and they felt too strong in terms of their emotions for the CURRENT girl to even CONSIDER an ex.....

 

And I am the same - there are some guys I really like well enough - and then there are guys who I felt that immediate intense chemistry and attraction for - guess which guys I would need to " consider" dropping if another cool guy came along? I prefer the more primal and intense chemistry where your partner feels like they are pretty much off the market from date one ( not marriage and no INSTANT relationships please!) but where they just FEEL you and want to see where you go before exploring other options at least.

Edited March 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Leigh 87]

I really wish posters would stop telling the OP how to live her life.

 

Some people are comfortable with being in competition with another suitor. After all, they barely know one another.

 

Where as not EVERYONE has to be OKAY with it! Some people prefer to meet partners who they are excited enough about to not even want to consider other prospects!

 

Neither way is right or wrong! It is about the individual and what THEY want!

 

And the pace of things can still move slowly and healthily even when two people are just really into one another to the point of not wanting to consider other options - it just mean they had a strong initial pull, and they can play things out slowly but to the exclusion of other candidates, due to the fact their initial "feelings" are too... excitable, strong and the chemistry is intense enough to just make them too excited about their current prospect to bother with others.

 

This is sort of like multi daters - it works well for some people, where as others like me, only even want to date the men who shift out attention to them, since the men I would multi date with are always those who I am not initially all that into; I naturally hold out for guys who, well, I feel excited enough about to the point where I am not interested in others.

 

The OP and her date were still in the phase where most people multi date - they consider their options and see who is the best fit. While this is great for some adults, it doesn't work or others.

 

The OP is like me in that she waited for a guy who she was really into, to the point where she lost interest in others. He is on a different page, where if an ex or a really, really good prospect came along, he would likely consider it since it is early dates and his feelings for the OP aren't exactly dancing on fire and he is clearly not that excited about her yet (which is normal at this stage in dating, a few weeks in!). Trouble is, the OP does feel excited about her date, enough to exclude others.

 

 

 

The OP needs to do what feels right for HER and NOT what served her mother well, she is NOT her mother.

[preraph]

Do not lose sight of the fact that many many men are not disgruntled by the fact of having two women on the string. He is not sitting around anguishing because he feels he must choose one. He will likely be happy enough if both of you are still interested in him at the same time and not lose any sleep over it.

[Leigh 87]

But isn't dating someone a month with no commitment yet, like, the exact definition of someone being an option? You date someone because you are sussing them out as a relationship partner. That person is an option as there is no commitment.

 

I guess I'm having a hard time following why this single guy feeling confused about who he wants to pursue being such a slight on OP.

 

Because Honestly, some people don't feel the urge to continue dating once they find someone they feel really excited about meeting.

 

Because sometimes, you meet someone who you like so much that you don't WANT to shop around. You shop around enough as it is when single, not everyone wants to continuing searching once they meet someone who they really click with.

 

Other times, you meet people and it takes longer to figure out who is a fit.

Where as with some people like myself, can only date people I really feel it for and I then only want to pursue things with them to see if they are a fit. I have experience and date around enough to have had ample men to "try out" and once I meet someone I feel for, I naturally turn off my will to date others.

 

There are two types of people; those who prefer to multi date and have "options", and then there are those who only prefer to date people who make them NOT want to shop around anymore.

 

You cannot expect the OP or women like myself, for instance, to just snap into YOUR mentality and resign themselves to your way of doing things! I so happen to not need a relationship and therefore I am perfectly happy to do what feels best for me until I find a compatible partner.

 

I do what comes naturally to me as a person; a guy who had to pick over me after a month of dating is not the man for me.

 

I don't understand how you cannot accept that some people do things differently to you; you conduct your dating life differently to me and I don't think any less of your method, it just isn't for me and you shouldn't be so dogmatic in urging the OP to be like her mum, or be like YOU.

[LifeandPerseverance]

I passed out early last night. I woke up and apparently he texted me again at 10:30 his time: "Hey. How are you? How was your day?"

 

 

Again, I'm not replying. Normally, at night, in the past, he texted me stuff like this every night anyways, along with a consistent "goodnight and sweet dreams!" Apparently I don't rate enough for a goodnight anymore.

 

 

I just remembered this morning: The day I sent the cookies, I also sent a postcard (that was kind of the joke--I was sending him a postcard, he didn't suspect cookies. How clever.). Given how long it takes a postcard to snailmail across the country, it should be showing up in his mailbox this week. I find it kind of ironic he's going to get the postcard now.

[idoltree]

I passed out early last night. I woke up and apparently he texted me again at 10:30 his time: "Hey. How are you? How was your day?"

 

Again, I'm not replying. Normally, at night, in the past, he texted me stuff like this every night anyways, along with a consistent "goodnight and sweet dreams!" Apparently I don't rate enough for a goodnight anymore.

 

If you haven't replied to his efforts to engage you in conversation, how could you possibly expect a goodnight and feel resentful that you didn't get one?

 

He's not going to do things that risk rejection when your behavior (not responding to him) indicates that it is indeed a risk. He's a human being, after all. You seem to not want to see that.

 

I just remembered this morning: The day I sent the cookies, I also sent a postcard (that was kind of the joke--I was sending him a postcard, he didn't suspect cookies. How clever.). Given how long it takes a postcard to snailmail across the country, it should be showing up in his mailbox this week. I find it kind of ironic he's going to get the postcard now.

I think it's great that you sent these kind gestures at the same time you're not communicating with him. That timing worked out well, and will remind him that he's made choices that resulted in pushing a kind girl away.

 

What did you decide to do with regard to him? Are you hanging in there? Staying but distancing yourself? Saying goodbye?

[LifeandPerseverance]

I think it's great that you sent these kind gestures at the same time you're not communicating with him. That timing worked out well, and will remind him that he's made choices that resulted in pushing a kind girl away.

 

What did you decide to do with regard to him? Are you hanging in there? Staying but distancing yourself? Saying goodbye?

 

 

Thank you for the kind words I really haven't decided what I'm doing. The stonewalling is me distancing myself. To protect myself. My anger hasn't gone away though, it's just grown stronger.

 

I also don't feel like I should respond to his texts, because I don't feel like he deserves to have his cake and eat it too--he doesn't get the comfort of hearing from me, like everything is fine, while he makes this decision. I'm not going to hold his hand and coddle him while he figures out what he wants. It's time for him to be a man. I'm sure he's been on the phone with her (he loves the phone). If anything--and maybe this is a stretch--I think my silence while I figure out what to do, may make him miss me. But then again maybe not: I didn't get a good morning text this morning. I know he's back at work today, for the first time in over a week--this last week he's been on vacation--visiting friends, snowboarding at different mountains, and driving through scenic Colorado. Now it's back to at least short term reality for him.

 

Thankfully, I ended up not driving out yesterday. That won't be for a couple more days. I'm trying to not make my decision before I get home. But I feel like this is a lose-lose situation.