why's this girl still contacting my b/f outside of work?

[the_opposite_sex]

This girl that my b/f slept with when we were split up called him a couple wks ago....a few days later, she sent him a text. All it said was that there was a bday dinner at this steakhouse at 7:30, hope to see ya there! The phone call was received, not missed, so he talked to her. I know how he feels about me. I know he wants to be w/ me now, no one else. He never wanted anything from her anyways, he was never even attracted to her nor did he want a relationship w/ her...they just basically used each other for sex. But i'm scared to death of her, that maybe she likes him, still wants him in THAT way, etc. They work together and I'm aware that they talk to each other at work, which i'm fine with b/c he's a very friendly person anyways....but the phone call and text message is weird. I told her that too. So basically I feel like she is disrespecting my wishes or just our relationship in general. Not counting our 2 mt split up, i've been w/ this guy for 4 yrs and we live together now as well. And he's only slept with her and myself...so it's not like he's one to sleep around. *just giving you an idea of who he is/what he's like* Can anyone help me w/ this? I'm sooo scared.

[flavius]

Sounds like she probably does like him, in THAT way. Probably lots of other girls do, or will before it's all over. And I'll bet there's a whole car-load of men who'd love to chase you around the bed, too. (I assume yours is one of the two pretty faces there?)

 

Look, it's always somebody lurking around out there. So you just have to be secure in the strength of your relationship...or not.

 

Look, I'm 42 and I don't really understand the whole institution of "living together." In my youth, we did this wierd thing that told everybody we were no longer on the meat market. It was called "getting married." Nowadays you all just move in together, and then write sad stories about jealousy and insecurity on Love Shack Dot Org.

 

I got news. If I meet you and like you, the fact that you're living with your boyfriend means diddly-nothing to me. It just means that you're not married. And I'd be all over you, at least until you shoot me down. Flirting, showing off, asking you out, and up your shirt, then down on one knee (old fashioned phrase denoting a marriage proposal.) If you two wanted to be married, you would be. You don't, and you're not. Since you don't, well heck, I'm not going to treat it any more seriously than you do, as if your shared address is some sacred thing. It's open season on "The-Opposite-Sex".

 

Unfashionable as it seems, the human yearning is still for ultimate intimacy, and ultimate includes permanence. The ones on the hunt are dead serious about their intentions, so those in "committed relationships" damn*d well better be serious about making their nests safe, secure, and sacred.

 

Good luck, O-Sex. It may not sound like it, but I'm on your side. Just a little farther to your side than you want me to be.

[the_opposite_sex]

wow flavius i dont really know how to reply to your post. But if you dont wanna hear about our "sad stories", why did you sign up to join the shack?

 

I'll at least answer your question that i'm scared of her interferring in our relationship, causing problems, fights, etc., b/w him and I. I hate the thought of being in a relationship where another girl is wanting my man.

[flavius]

I don't mind the sad stories. I love you kids, I really do. It's just a tough time to be coming of age. The "rules" these days don't make any particular sense, and they leave people needlessly vulnerable and anxious.

[Merin]

Honestly even if she does still want him or have an interest in him in a romantic or sexual way the bottomline is how HE (Your BF) is responding to her.

 

He knows how you feel about this.. and regardless if he's a friendly guy or not.. he had an intimate relationship with this girl following your break up and it was painful and hurtful to you.. so really it's my opinion that it isn't up to this other girl to make things okay for you it's up to your BF to make things okay for you so you feel secure.

 

If that means not staying in contact with this other girl.. then yeah.. IMO he needs to be the one who is making it crystal clear to her that he's NOT down for anything with her..

 

People will always flirt with your Mate.. it is how he/she deals with it and responds that matters.

 

Good Luck Girl

[the_opposite_sex]

well he didnt reply to her text msg, nor has he called her at all since being back w/ me...in fact, when we got back together, he deleted all girls' numbers he had in his phone, deleted all text messages, everything. I just didnt understand in the first place why he had sex w/ her b/c he was using her and that's not like him at all....it doesn't fit his profile. He's reassured me many times that it's me and him now. But that doesn't take back what happened

[Merin]

Originally posted by the_opposite_sex

well he didnt reply to her text msg, nor has he called her at all since being back w/ me...in fact, when we got back together, he deleted all girls' numbers he had in his phone, deleted all text messages, everything. I just didnt understand in the first place why he had sex w/ her b/c he was using her and that's not like him at all....it doesn't fit his profile. He's reassured me many times that it's me and him now. But that doesn't take back what happened

 

No it doesn't take back what happend.. and it won't.

 

Of course it hurts to know he's been intimate with someone else.. you love him so yeah it hurts..

 

BUT in order to move forward with the relationship you have with him you're going to have to come to terms with it and be able to let go of it..

 

Although he's told you he used this other girl for sex.. isn't it possible that isn't entirely true but he is wanting to spare your feelings here by not telling you that he wanted to try new things or new people.. or that he had sex with her because they both wanted too.. maybe he's trying to make this better for you in making it seem it was without emotion on his part because he knows this hurt you...

[the_opposite_sex]

yea but Merin i've seen this girl...she isn't attractive by any means. I know he had sex w/ her b/c they both wanted too...but he's told me that he regretted it RIGHT after it happened too. I dont know. It was a hard pill to swallow when i found out. It's been 4 mts now and I'm still struggling BIG time..obviously. He said he didnt have any intentions of having a relationship w/ her and I asked why....he said "b/c she isn't my type and b/c he wasn't that attracted to her." You think he still thinks about it in general or while he's having sex w/ me??

[Merin]

Originally posted by the_opposite_sex

yea but Merin i've seen this girl...she isn't attractive by any means. I know he had sex w/ her b/c they both wanted too...but he's told me that he regretted it RIGHT after it happened too. I dont know. It was a hard pill to swallow when i found out. It's been 4 mts now and I'm still struggling BIG time..obviously. He said he didnt have any intentions of having a relationship w/ her and I asked why....he said "b/c she isn't my type and b/c he wasn't that attracted to her." You think he still thinks about it in general or while he's having sex w/ me??

 

No honey I really don't think he still thinks about it when he's having sex with you.. if he still wanted to be having sex with her, he would be.. he isn't.

 

Regardless if she's physically attractive or not... for some people another person need not be gorgeous or in some cases even remotely attractive to get it on.. (look at one nighter's.. when someone hooked up with someone else had sex.. woke up and thought )

 

Honestly my thought on why he did so with her is this.. she was willing. You said the only other person he's been intimate with is you.. so yeah.. IMO this other girl was perhaps about experimentation.. curiosity as to what it would be like with someone else..

 

I think you're putting more thought into what goes through his mind regarding her than he does.. you've been hurt and although you were broke up at the time it still felt like betrayl to you.. so now you're trying to rebuild that trust.. it takes time...

[the_opposite_sex]

well we talked about it....I asked him about the text message from her, and he said that she had mentioned something at work about her having a bday party, so she sent him that message reminding him the time and place it was gonna be. He said he didn't go, and he if he was goin to he would have invited or at least would have told me about it before going. He said it'd be weird if I went too just b/c he knows how I feel about her, not b/c of what happened b/w them. But he didn't go and said he didn't wanna go in the first place.

 

He also said if anything, he laughs about what happened b/c she's so unattractive, and a bigger set girl. And he seriously just started laughing about it and so did I. I've seen her before..ugh.. lol but he reassured me, said it's in the past and to let it go. He hates being reminded that he slept w/ her.