confusingguy Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 To all dear souls who take the time to read my little tale of my heart crushing under the weight of love lost grief I thank you and would love to hear some views from people who do not know me or the amazing woman I wish I could hate. So me and my EX, god that word kills me a little more each time, dated for almost three years and moved in together about 6 months ago. We have been broken up for almost a month now. I constantly flip flop about moving on or trying to fight for her back and I am at the point now where my heart has nothing left to give and I am being forced to move on for nothing more than my health. As you might be able to tell I loved this girl as in was saving up for a ring. Things were getting a little rough but nothing that I thought was too big to work on and it seemed she was the same way and then one night she starts crying during sex, we stop obviously, and she tells me she can not do this anymore. So that was pretty terrible but I respected her for breaking it off with me to my face I asked her if she was certain she said yes. I put on a strong face around her as she moved her stuff out two days later and moved in with her sister who at one point I thought liked me. After a week or two of no contact we were forced to talk to just get our stuff back and I got her to tell me the full story and reasons, not feeling spark anymore was not good enough for me. So here is what she says 1. She is worried about our financial well being since I do not have a great paying job and she doesn't know if she can handle that for the next four years (FYI I am going to pharmacy school so that is a minimum 120K a year job the first year I graduate.) 2. I wasn't dominant enough during sex (everytime I tried she told me to stop) 3.I had a way of half doing things. honestly this one I can understand I have a tendancy of making 2 day projects last a week unless I have someone enjoying it with me. 4. I did not make her laugh on the floor laughing so that is all she could say negative to me, I am 28 just got accepted in to pharmacy school, I am attractive (not vain but I take care of my self), I am funny despite not having the rib hurt moments, I have friends, I have no debt, I have money saved up (was for a ring now a car), I am honest to a fault, I am kind, and I care deeply about those around to me. These are just some of the other things she said to me. I could list out all the things negative about her but its small and I would rather not air out her laundry, but I will say this her parents have been against us the whole time because I don't have a real job, (college to pharmacy school while holding down a bartending job is pretty real to me), and I think they finally broke her down. I just wrote this all down if someone responds thank you so much I really need to not feel so down right terrible, thank god I have such a wonderful family but on the off chance somewhere down the line we get back together I do not want them to have anything against her. sorry
smellysocksuni Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Hi, I would first like to say that I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how much it hurts. The good news is that even though it doesn't feel like it right now, it will get better. The reasons you've listed - were those her reasons for breaking up with you?
flightplan Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Sorry man, but you're never going to really know her reasons, much less accept them. Yeah, some of her reasons may be valid, but who knows, sounds kind of immature to me. Mine broke up with me over religion, so she says... who really knows. It doesn't really matter. Even if you knew without a doubt with 100% certainty, it wouldn't make a difference. You'd still be broken up. The point being, the reasons don't matter. You have to come to a place where not knowing is ok. She changed, for whatever reason. She fell out of love, she's BPD, she met someone else, etc... she changed. That's reason enough. I know that you're thinking that if you really knew the reasons, knew the real truth, then you would be able to make it right with her. Sorry to say, it doesn't work that way. She checked out and she did what she felt was in her best interest. She has that right. Respect it, leave her alone and go off and heal. Good luck, hang tough.
mightycpa Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 The reason that her reasons make no sense to you is because she probably doesn't even know what the real reasons are. What she's described to you are the first things that she began to notice that she didn't like - but those are not her reasons. If she truly loved you, then none of that stuff would matter. The truth is that we, you included, don't know why we love somebody. The heart wants what the heart wants. It's not because they are the smartest, or the prettiest, or the this or the that. There's always someone better in any category you can think of. Just as there is no reason that we fall in love, there is no reason that we fall out of love. Most people don't want to admit to themselves that they don't have a reason, so they begin to grasp at the things that bug them. And it doesn't make a bit of sense, because it isn't enough and it isn't true. It's not the reasons she stated, it's not her parents and it's not you either. It just is. You'll never understand until you wake up one morning and you realize that you don't love her anymore. You won't really know why, but you'll know it for a fact. That day will be different somehow, and you'll wonder why you ever felt the way you did. Then you'll understand. Until then, all you can do is get yourself as far away as possible, and to be good to yourself. Feel your pain, let it ache, and get it out of your system. There's no telling how long it will take, so you might as well get started. Good luck to you. 3
sabd Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 I'm with mightycpa, she probably doesn't know EXACTLY why and the chances of you ever knowing the real truth are slim to none. I got fed a bunch of horsesh*t for "reasons" and it confused the hell out of me until I realised that the truth was missing and that I was never going to get it from him. Lucky for me, I got to see the truth - another woman - so that was a rude, shocking form of closure. Closure is something most of us never get and we just have to accept the situation for what it is and do what it takes to get over our broken relationships.
Ruby65 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) Her reasons make perfect sense to me. They all add up to a lack of different qualities that equal attraction. She wants someone who's world doesn't rise and fall by her opinion of him. Who doesn't use quite so much flowery prose in describing her. She wants someone funny, someone confident, someone alpha.... someone MANLY. In her view, she sees you as weak. Your (temporary) need to live frugally probably only enhances that view -- money = power. Frugal = weak. You probably lost major "guy" points for not being enough of a challenge.... for some people, it's more attractive to be less attainable. I'm willing to bet there's also some guy on the horizon -- who IS unattainable and represents all those qualities she's suddenly so disatisfied without -- and that this is what's given her the impetus to finally leave the relationship. Honestly, feelings can fade, that's always a gamble... who's the right match for you, who can survive when the Honeymoon Phase inevitably starts to wane? The trick is to find THAT girl..... who's mature enough to love and appreciate you even when you're no longer a *challenge*... and not your current ex. The RIGHT girl will see your supposed "weaknesses" -- being loving, giving, emotionally available, being financially prudent -- as the STRENGTHS they are! I know you think the world of her -- but the truth is, she doesn't deserve you. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Keep with your No Contact -- so you can heal -- and keep posting! Edited March 2, 2015 by Ruby65 1
SearchingForMyself Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 I'd assume she wants someone else. Enough reason to go NC
Author confusingguy Posted March 2, 2015 Author Posted March 2, 2015 It truly sucks to know that everything yall have said is right. I don't think there is another man just yet but that's beyond the point. I needed some reaffirmation that I am not crazy to want a better answer and you awesome folk have given me just that, I especially agree with me not being a man, I didn't realize it until yalls post but dang it I lost that and when she saw me confident and strong we broke NC. This is not my first loss I actually had a fiancé cheat on my two weeks before our wedding but somehow this has been harder to deal with. From these experiences and yalls post I have only just know realized it comes down to me being too gosh darn nice of a guy and apparently the old saying nice guys finish last is actually true. I do know that when a girl, I mean woman finally realize that the nice guy is the guy you marry I'll be ready. I will continue to not be mean to her but I am going to break no contact one more time to get the rent she owes and will tell her that she will regret this decision and I was the best and by the time she realizes it I will have already moved on, Thank you all for your kind and harsh words I really needed it
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Everybody wants a better answer. Everybody wants a reasons. But most times there aren't reasons. Somebody just wants out. It's a feeling. It's hard to quantify feelings. In your own head try to rationalize that it's her not you. Now you are free to find new people to date among your peers at pharmacy school. She may have done you a favor. 2
ZiggyZoo Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 For me, a big part of knowing I was finally over my ex-husband was realizing that I no longer needed to know exactly why he left me. It'll happen to you, too, one day you'll just shrug and come to the conclusion that it wasn't meant to be. And move on. But at this stage, I agree with everyone, it's perfectly normal that you want to know why exactly it happened. You're still trying to fix it all, and if you can pin down the problems, you can make them better. But it doesn't matter in the end, because SHE doesn't want to fix it, no matter how hard you try. And being a "nice guy" is a very good thing indeed. Any girl who says otherwise is looking for a jerk who will take advantage of her and use her. A friend of mine will only date these type of guys because that way she won't feel badly when SHE treats THEM like sh*t. So you are dodging all kinds of that type of bullet there. The right girl will appreciate you for you. 2
Author confusingguy Posted March 2, 2015 Author Posted March 2, 2015 Once again I agree with everything everyone is saying. This was the first time that I have ever posted anything online before I only did because u had a moment of weakness but I am glad I did. Thank yall for strengthening my resolve. I will say that I know I am a catch and have confidence in spades but with two long term relationships I need to now spend time figuring out what's next, am I picking the wrong girls, am I too much of a work in progress and need to wait til I'm settled in to my career or on the off chance do I have a fundamental flaw that I do not know of that causes doubts. I know this isn't my fault but I should spend this time to make sure what has happened is not a pattern and just the dirty messy thing called love it's lows are so great because of the euphoric highs we receive from real love. 1
flightplan Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Once again I agree with everything everyone is saying. This was the first time that I have ever posted anything online before I only did because u had a moment of weakness but I am glad I did. Thank yall for strengthening my resolve. I will say that I know I am a catch and have confidence in spades but with two long term relationships I need to now spend time figuring out what's next, am I picking the wrong girls, am I too much of a work in progress and need to wait til I'm settled in to my career or on the off chance do I have a fundamental flaw that I do not know of that causes doubts. I know this isn't my fault but I should spend this time to make sure what has happened is not a pattern and just the dirty messy thing called love it's lows are so great because of the euphoric highs we receive from real love. Smart move. Figure out why you're attracted to the women who left you. The Dr. Phil in me says it probably goes back to how you were raised as a kid. Did you always feel the need to be accepted and put the needs of others before your own.. as an example. You'll eventually figure it out and you'll realize a mature, emotionally healthy woman will want a healthy, confident "nice" guy. Being a man and a "nice" guy are not mutually exclusive. Good luck to you...
Price2Play Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Focus on yourself right now. Studying for school, working out, new hobbies. Get in touch with old friends, make new ones! What ever you need to do to move on. F* closure you don't need it, she's moved on that's to you need to know. I've dated many woman that their ex's are pining & begging for closure. Don't be that smuck. You will be rolling in dough after pharmacy school.
Author confusingguy Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 Sooooo, I am pretty sure I am making a terrible decision. So her acceptance letter to nursing school came so I had to contact her I'm not going to be a jerk. Well one drink turned in to another we had a great time with her new friends who all apparently questioned her why we broke up a little harder since they all liked me. This lead to us talking again and now we're thinking about dating again, not a relationship but dating. I am ok with this idea especially since I made it clear there is no expectations of it moving past one date since our old relationship was destroyed. I said if we were to do this then we have to start all over nothing before can count towards or against each other. I have a feeling this is a really bad move it sounded so great especially since she initiated the idea but I am worried that I am heading down the same road to another heart break and think maybe I need to just say no, let her go, and let her see the grass is not always greener on the other side for a while longer. I am ok with the heartbreak and can move past that but I'm pretty cautious about the next step. I wish there was some sort of fundamental flaw with her or us but honestly there is not it's just humans making mistakes. I thought I would be so happy about this but instead I am freaking out over the idea that i am just setting my self to go through all this crap again and setting us both up to clinch a future without each other
badpenny Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I agree. never go back. "A man cannot bathe in the same river twice". It's different - because it IS different.
Cooper13 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Please move on and focus on yourself! Do not chase her it will only make her run away further believe me I know!!!!!!!
sabd Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 now we're thinking about dating again Hmmm, I'd be VERY careful. You still don't really know what went wrong last time! How are you going to feel when your hopes are up and she decides once again that "she can not do this anymore." Before you think about getting back together, you guys have a LOT of work to do to sort out the problems from before - they are not simply going to go away.
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