downc Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 I posted some time back about my relationship with my high school girlfriend ending suddenly after 6 years.. I was crushed and we were each other's first and only everything. Everyone here was great and advised me to cut her off which I did. I was getting my life back together and by random chance I met a girl. We talked and sent text messages back and forth. She actually made the first move and asked me to come out with her to a bar one night and I turned it down for 2 weeks before I decided I didn't want to sit at my apartment anymore and I went. We had a blast and she was great but it ended up going a lot further than I wanted too. To make a long story short my ex is not longer my only anymore. It's only been two months out of the 6 year relationship and now I am incredibly depressed again. I feel extremely guilty about hooking up with this girl and I am not sure why. I am in college and hook ups happen and the relationship with my ex is way beyond repair and she ended it, not me. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Did it happen to early? I am still talking to this new girl and we have hung out before but I the way I feel is affecting the relationship and I feel like it will soon be nothing more than a hook up.
Downtown Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Downc, the feelings you're experiencing are irrational -- but perfectly normal. That's just the way human emotions are. When we are young children, this irrationality of our feelings is especially apparent because we don't have a well-developed logical adult in our minds. This is why children will blame themselves, feeling intensely guilty, for anything bad happening in the family -- until a parent pulls them aside and explains things to them. Even when we get older and mature, it can take months -- or even years -- for the intuitive "child" part of our minds to catch up with the new-found knowledge and understanding of the logical adult in our minds. It is common for our intense feelings to change slowly, lagging many months behind our "logical adult." This is why the usual advice here on LoveShack is for a person to wait a while after a breakup before seriously dating anyone new. Otherwise, the lingering attachment feelings toward the ex-partner is likely to destroy the new "rebound" relationship. When I divorced my exW, for example, I took a long time to heal from the emotional baggage because I had been married 15 years. The result was that I had absolutely no desire to date again until two years later. And I wasn't really ready for it until another year had passed. Hence, given that you had a six year relationship and are very young, it would not be surprising if you have to wait 5 or 6 months before healing sufficiently to handle another close relationship. Indeed, some LS members may recommend a waiting period longer than that. If you want to date casually during that interim period, it is important to make it clear to your dates that you are still in a difficult transition period. Take care, Downc.
Stilnaught Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Downtown pretty much said all i could say myself, but to put it in short: you've been with this girl for about a quarter to a third of your life. Through a bunch of steps in your development in life, she was there. Even when it's entirely irrational, you might find some previously undiscovered entanglements of your "being", where she hasn't fully been cut out yet. I've had a "forever and ever" love too. I wouldn't give my heart for less. I fully understand how you feel, including the guilt part, and yet can only imagine how hard it is with a relation of that duration. Take absolute care of yourself, and let your mind keep your heart in check for a while. You'll recognize the moment you're healed, trust me.
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