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I just got broken up with in a voice mail! We had "the talk" 3 days ago! WTF?!

shamen

By shamen
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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simon_uk Established Member

simon_uk

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There is always the oldpayback though. Like calls in the middle of the night or pizza deliveries etc! Childish but damn fun!!!!!! He said it. HAVE FUN!!!!!

 

Simon

mixwell Established Member

mixwell

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just look at this guy as a joke.. I mean honestly if you think about him breaking up with someone in a mix CD ?? You cant help but think its a little funny ! :laugh: This guy is a douche bag. I mean what the hell songs were on the mix CD ?? Did he like record a track with his voice saying sorry but i cant be with you ? wtf.. He just isn't man enough to tell you face to face thats all.. what a chicken shiz bastard. Just try to laugh at what a lame o he is !! haha mix CD.. That will keep me happy for the rest of the day :)

 

Take care !

PortoMarco11 Member

PortoMarco11

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He broke up with someone via a mix CD? As mean and crude as that is, it's freaking hilarious! :laugh:

 

The guy is scum. Flip the page and move on to greener pastures :bunny:

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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Originally posted by shamen

 

You've been in his shoes?

 

I've dated people before, and when the infatuation wore off I realized I didn't like them and didn't want to date them. I was a lot worse than this guy, though - I basically just dropped off the face of their earth with no explanation and became impossible to reach. Cut off with no explanation. Any attempts to reach me were met with brutal coldness or just outright ignoring. I probably should at least been truthful with them, but I don't think I would have been as harshly 'cut and dried' about it as your guy was. Now, I'd at least say "I had a great time with you, but I don't think we should see each other any more. I don't have the same feelings for you that you have for me."

 

It is good you found this out early, when you did. Sorry you had to go through it like that, though. :(

 

I'm curious as to what his reply, if any will be.

lovelylady Member

lovelylady

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Yeah, I understand the temptation to write a second email...(I've been washing lettuce thinking over the situation and all that i'd say to a guy like that - I was pretending to talk to your jerk-off guy.)

 

it makes me want to write .."you know, I just wanted to let you know that you can forget my last email. it has dawned on me, quite suddenly actually, that getting closure from someone who clearly has no conscience and is incapable of normal communication, is unimportant (and in fact, laughingly meaningless)

 

obviously, you have serious problems with communication. thanks for letting me know before i made a serious mistake. although, letting me know sooner (and in person) would have ultimately, i think, been better for us both (you would have had an opportunity to work on your fear of confrontation problem and i would have felt like i'd been treated normally (yes, as opposed to abnormaly, strangely, rudely, inconsiderately)

But I understand you were incapable of that. And so I want you to know - I forgive you. People like you have long, hard roads in front of them, roads that often end up feeling (and being) very empty.

 

Work on those communication issues! I promise you life is better for everyone involved when you master the skill of communication! Best of luck with that!

lovelylady Member

lovelylady

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f*cker

 

i'm just irritated for you. i've dated two men in my life who were complete jerks. both were short lived also - like 2 months each - but i never forgot their callousness..

 

they were years ago....but you never really forget a**h***s. cause their scary.

snipit3172 Member

snipit3172

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shamen

 

that was nasty what he did but at least you knew i was with my ex for 5 months and spent nearly every day together and when we didnt we were always on the phoine

 

then one day he just text me to say he was working late and would ring me from work later and thats the last i heard off him why are men like that i have no clue

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

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funny... He told me on when I saw him a few days ago that he's not very nice and I thought, "What a weird thing to say." Also, that he once broke up with a girl in a mixed CD that he made for her. I thought that that was f*cked up too, but I just ignored it really, thinking that it must have been something that he did when he was younger.

 

Jerks often tell us they're jerks well before we realize it ourselves. It's their guilt deferring system. They have TOLD us the behaviour they're capable of, therefore feel less awful (if at all) about implementing it because we've been WARNED. The mistake we make is thinking we're the exception to their rule (everyone likes to think they're special, myself included) and it can't happen to us.

 

 

So, as a lesson. If a guy who you have an attraction for is confessing terrible behaviour, RUN, because if he really wanted to keep you around he wouldn't do anything or say anything to give you reason to pause.

 

That bad boy crap they spew may get them into our pants, but it also gets them off the hook relationship wise later.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by Mr Spock

Jerks often tell us they're jerks well before we realize it ourselves. It's their guilt deferring system. They have TOLD us the behaviour they're capable of, therefore feel less awful (if at all) about implementing it because we've been WARNED. The mistake we make is thinking we're the exception to their rule (everyone likes to think they're special, myself included) and it can't happen to us.

 

 

So, as a lesson. If a guy who you have an attraction for is confessing terrible behaviour, RUN, because if he really wanted to keep you around he wouldn't do anything or say anything to give you reason to pause.

 

That bad boy crap they spew may get them into our pants, but it also gets them off the hook relationship wise later.

 

I thought about this a lot today... It's like he gave me a warning 3 days ago while at the same time telling me that it was just him and I...

 

 

 

Lovelylady,

 

I love your letter to him. Completely awesome. I did write another email to tell him to ignore the first one before I went out tonight. That I was sad for him that he's gotten so callous that he has no respect for anyone else anymore. That I'm sorry that his life is so empty that he's gotten so hard.

 

 

 

F*ck it. I don't care anymore. He just proves that all men are a**h***s. Sorry to any of you guy out there that are actually gentlemen.

 

 

 

LucreziaBorgia,

 

What happened to you to make you so repentious about your previous behavior?

lovelylady Member

lovelylady

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:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

yay!!! good for you shamen!!

 

glad you liked the letter. i took your post personally - though that precise thing never happened to me, a couple of equally ugly things did and i think one of those old wounds got scratched by hearing your experience.

 

but you know all guys are not assh*les. don't let him poision your heart. tuck that messed up memory back into the farthest recesses of your mind. and then go forward in trust.

mixwell Established Member

mixwell

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hey now don't be a male bashing feminist !! haha not all of us guys are like that.. There are good ones out there and there are douche bags like your ex.. I happen to be one of the good guys !! I am on your side ! :D Just move on.. I am only making a assumption that it wont be hard for you to move one since the relationship was soo short but whatever get back to your life without douche bags in it !! haha take it easy !

 

Peace

BigB Established Member

BigB

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Wow, what a jerk. I mean at least do it in person.

 

My EX GF did something similar. We'd been dating for 4 years, and were living together for 1 year. I came home from work and she had moved out, emptied the bank accounts, taken one of the cars, taken everything in the house that was valuable, and skipped town.

 

I never saw or spoke to her again, she was just gone. For an hour of so I though the house had been broken into and she'd been kidnaped. Then I noticed all her clothes were missing.

mixwell Established Member

mixwell

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wow Big B what a bltch yer ex seems like.. id be soo shocked if I were in that situation.. are you doing ok now i presume ??

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

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Originally posted by shamen

LucreziaBorgia,

 

What happened to you to make you so repentious about your previous behavior?

 

Getting pregnant unexpectedly and having my daughter. It was the best 'happy accident' that could have happened. It literally turned my life around. I guess for deep-set selfish and mercinary behavior like mine was, it takes a nearly catastrophic life-changing event to break old patterns. Destruction followed by renewal.

BigB Established Member

BigB

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Originally posted by mixwell

wow Big B what a bltch yer ex seems like.. id be soo shocked if I were in that situation.. are you doing ok now i presume ??

 

yep, definetly a B!tch.. :mad:

 

I was extremely shocked. I still don't really know why she did that. She left a message on the answering machine, but it simply said that I shouldn't try to find her, no explanation. The lack of closure was the worst part. Plus she was my first GF (not counting Junior high) so it hurt a lot.

 

I'm doing ok now, this was almost 7 years ago. I still haven't dated or slept with any girls since. For several years I didn't want to date at all, I was depressed, pissed off, etc. She really trashed my self confidence. Now I'm starting to get my confidence back, and I'm actively looking for a new girl, but I'm still pretty scared of the whole idea.. I have a crush on a friend and I've yet to work up the guts to even ask her to coffee.

 

I'm yet to see if I'll have any weird trust issues resulting from this. I'm sure I'll probably play my cards a little closer to my chest in any future relationships, and I'll probably be reluctant to move in with a girl for a while.

tokyo Established Member

tokyo

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BigB, maybe she got kidnapped or something?? Could someone be that cold? :eek: Was there any physical abuse from your part? Did you have any fights? Was she a nice person?

BigB Established Member

BigB

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Originally posted by kooky

BigB, maybe she got kidnapped or something?? Could someone be that cold? :eek: Was there any physical abuse from your part? Did you have any fights? Was she a nice person?

 

I don't think she got kiddnapped, but I thought she had been for a little while. She left a message on my machine, and took the time to pack up all her stuff (shoes, clothes, toothbrush, TV, DVD player, books, cd's, etc.) took the car the was broken down (I assume she had it towed) and there was tape and boxes around from her hurried packing.

 

no physical abuse on my part, she threw a few things at me though. We did have a few fights, but nothing about breaking up, just crap about money, and me working to much, etc. She had started being less physically affectionate with me, and started refusing sex a few weeks prior.. I was making an effort to spend more time with her, and trying to help her make more friends. (she was upset about not having many friends in a new city)

 

Looking back on it now she was kinda messed up and unhappy in general, depressed a lot, alcoholic parents, possibly an eating disorder (She was a compulsive overeater, I gained about 60 pounds living with her), etc.

 

I think we moved in together at too young an age. I was 19, she was 20. We didn't have much money, had moved across the country for my job, and she didn't like the new city.

tokyo Established Member

tokyo

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BigB, then I guess, she was just a stupid immature girl. Sorry for this bad experience, this kind of sudden disappearance without closure must be one of the most hurtful experiences in a relationship. Not to know what happened and all the whys that make your head spin. That's really not a nice ending.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

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Originally posted by mixwell

hey now don't be a male bashing feminist !! haha not all of us guys are like that.. There are good ones out there and there are douche bags like your ex.. I happen to be one of the good guys !! I am on your side ! :D Just move on.. I am only making a assumption that it wont be hard for you to move one since the relationship was soo short but whatever get back to your life without douche bags in it !! haha take it easy !

 

Peace

 

Sorry Mixwell, I was extremely pissed last night. I know that there are good guys out there. Right now I've decided that I'm not going to date ANYONE and I mean ANYONE for at least a couple of months. I am officially totally and completely off the market. F*ck it. I'm done.

 

Welcome to the world of no trust, everyone. Like I needed this right now after my ex before this guy I dated for a couple of months. Ah well... He just shows me why it's so hard for me to have feelings for anyone. I start developing some and then he proves me right in that I shouldn't have them for anyone. (Please keep in mind that I know what I'm saying is sh*t. I'm in therapy right now for this very issue. It started with my ex and just now I'm beginning to address the issues of my date rape and how it connects to my feelings of refusing to have any. I know that having them is good in my heart, I just haven't met anyone yet who is worthy enough to receive any of them. And if I have, I've thrown them all to the wind pretty quickly. So far, it's been a rule that I must end up with the freaks/guys with major issues/creepy &/or scary guys.)

 

 

BigB,

 

So sorry that this has happened to you... That completely sucks. B*tch!

 

 

LucreziaBorgia,

 

Wow. Pregnancy. Can't even imagine. I'm way too selfish to even entertain the thought. I've had 4 guys ask me to marry them. Told them all no. When it gets right down to it, I run too.

 

 

 

Lovelylady,

 

I'm glad that you liked my little letter to him. He's not going to poison me for forever, just for a couple of months.

 

He makes me sick. I've now decided that he is either narcissistic, a sociopath, a psychopath, bipolar, or just a fu*cking freak who gets off on hurting women. Now there's always the possibility that he got freaked by our conversation on Sunday and he doesn't even know who he is yet, so he got scared and ran away like I have done several times throughout my life. At least I did it with some class and some couth. He may not even understand why he did what he did. That's fine. I don't care.

 

He can kiss my a$$ for all I fu*cking care. He can get beat by some huge fat man with a cat-o-nine tails with spikes that leaves scars and I will be very happy. Wish I had beat him myself... as he's into that sort of thing. Dam*it! :laugh:

 

This is making me feel so much better! All this ranting. Please excuse my anger, it will go away eventually.

moimeme Established Member

moimeme

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I'm awful sorry, Shamen, and the more so because I was one of the folks urging you to give him a chance.

 

It becomes more and more clear to me that, beyond anything, the one absolutely essential characteristic you need to find in a partner is honesty. And, unfortunately, short of lie detector tests or psych workups or voice patterning people, the only way to find out if someone is trustwothy is to spend enough time with him or her to allow something to happen which will reveal dishonesty.

 

Unfortunately, humans are not very good at detecting honesty. Many, many people have fallen for people only to find themselves in hell - just like the stories you read above.

 

F*ck it. I don't care anymore. He just proves that all men are a**h***s.

 

You know that's not true. It's just that a lot are and there are no outward signs that would allow you to distinguish the jerks from the nice guys.

 

I guess the biggest question that I have now, like you said, is what the hell is wrong with me?

 

Nothing whatsoever. You're just a regular human like the rest of us and you believed someone who's not honest. It's not uncommon to think you like someone at first and then change your mind as you find things out. Had it gone on longer, you probably would have found out other things about him that you didn't like. It's just he figured it out first. And then ended it very badly.

 

There are good ones out there, Shamen. It's just hellish hard finding them.

beejsea2 Established Member

beejsea2

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Shamen

 

I understand the point of no trust!! I'm almost six months after my break-up and I've turned down a few guys for dinner and drinks just because I just don't want to get involved and go through all of this BS again.

 

I figure some day I'll be ready to move on but I'm going to take my sweet time...I have finally realized that I don't need another person to validate who I am or to complete me. Two years ago we bought a house but because of my ex's financial problems thank God everything was in my name. So just realize that you're lucky to find this all out sooner than later

blind_otter Established Member

blind_otter

Posted
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Originally posted by Mr Spock

Jerks often tell us they're jerks well before we realize it ourselves. It's their guilt deferring system. They have TOLD us the behaviour they're capable of, therefore feel less awful (if at all) about implementing it because we've been WARNED. The mistake we make is thinking we're the exception to their rule (everyone likes to think they're special, myself included) and it can't happen to us.

 

I warn people about my fear of committment and my inability to connect to my own emotions, and the emotional distance I tend to retreat to. Some people are just f*cked up in the head, shamen, and at least you got away relatively unscathed. It could be worse and this could be a year into an emotionally abusive relationship that was consistently unsatisfying. I'm not trying to minimize what he did, but I have been accused of being a cold hearted bitch before. I don't mean to be like this, really, and when my attention is called to it I am like, whoops, I guess I am an a**h***. Guys are usually worse about this, though, because they are even less in touch with their emotions.

 

Spock is spot-on in this, though. My psychotic, abusive, crackhead ex "warned" me about himself, always saying I was "too good for him" -- what he didn't realize, or maybe he did in an evil way, is that women love a challenge.

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shamen Established Member

shamen

Posted
  • Author
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Originally posted by moimeme

I'm awful sorry, Shamen, and the more so because I was one of the folks urging you to give him a chance.

 

It becomes more and more clear to me that, beyond anything, the one absolutely essential characteristic you need to find in a partner is honesty. And, unfortunately, short of lie detector tests or psych workups or voice patterning people, the only way to find out if someone is trustwothy is to spend enough time with him or her to allow something to happen which will reveal dishonesty.

 

Unfortunately, humans are not very good at detecting honesty. Many, many people have fallen for people only to find themselves in hell - just like the stories you read above.

 

You know that's not true. It's just that a lot are and there are no outward signs that would allow you to distinguish the jerks from the nice guys.

 

Nothing whatsoever. You're just a regular human like the rest of us and you believed someone who's not honest. It's not uncommon to think you like someone at first and then change your mind as you find things out. Had it gone on longer, you probably would have found out other things about him that you didn't like. It's just he figured it out first. And then ended it very badly.

 

There are good ones out there, Shamen. It's just hellish hard finding them.

 

Not to worry, Moi. I knew going into it that there was a possibility of me developing feelings for this guy, which I did, however misguided they were. I liked his brain, as well as his body, when I initially just wanted to like his body. Oh well, live and learn.

 

Yeah, the honesty thing is pretty important. I think back to something he and my ex both said to me, that they would take certain secrets from their life with them to the grave. Somehow I now think that if a guy ever says this to me again, that I will run fast! It's too bad that he wasn't honest with me from the beginning.

 

He acted like all was good. That he enjoyed the time he spent with me. He was certainly an excellent liar... It totally came out of left field, especially since he was going to make me dinner that night (the night of the voice mail).

 

I know that there's nothing wrong with me... I also know that there is something for real wrong with this man. He has a problem. Normal people do not do what he did. He's the one with the problem.

 

It'll definitely take me some time to find a good one, especially now that I'm on hiatus again.

 

It's funny, I saw an old friend today and one of the friends that was with me said to me later, "What's wrong with him? He's a nice, stable guy." It seems like all the men that I can really trust are my friends and I always end up with the psychos for some reason. And when I've tried to take friendships to another level, it also ends poorly... This is another thread though...

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shamen Established Member

shamen

Posted
  • Author
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Originally posted by blind_otter

I warn people about my fear of committment and my inability to connect to my own emotions, and the emotional distance I tend to retreat to. Some people are just f*cked up in the head, shamen, and at least you got away relatively unscathed. It could be worse and this could be a year into an emotionally abusive relationship that was consistently unsatisfying. I'm not trying to minimize what he did, but I have been accused of being a cold hearted bitch before. I don't mean to be like this, really, and when my attention is called to it I am like, whoops, I guess I am an a**h***. Guys are usually worse about this, though, because they are even less in touch with their emotions.

 

Spock is spot-on in this, though. My psychotic, abusive, crackhead ex "warned" me about himself, always saying I was "too good for him" -- what he didn't realize, or maybe he did in an evil way, is that women love a challenge.

 

You're right, BO. I did come out of this relatively unscathed. Pissed for a couple of weeks, I will be. Disgusted by men for a little while (anyone who is not already my friend), but this will all pass shortly. You're right, I could have found out months down the line that he was a freak psychopath loser a**h***.

 

I too am not as in touch with my emotions as I probably should be, hence the counseling. I know exactly what you're saying. I've been accused of some of the same things...

 

I completely agree with what Spock said! My ex alcoholic drug addict bf told me exactly the same thing that your ex did. I think that we may be dating the same men! :laugh:

 

 

Beejsea2,

 

I feel your pain girl. I know that I don't need another person to validate me... most of the time, admittedly, these days it's all about me and what I want. I've been going out with my gfs and all on the weekends and making my own plans and having fun even while I was hanging out with psychopath-loser-boy. This thread is about my ranting and my anger and getting it all out of my system, because I do not want to waste one extra minute than I need to on someone who's clearly not worth wasting my time on...

 

I'm so glad that I found this forum! I would have been lost without it several times in the last year!!!

 

Oh, and I'm glad that your house was in your name. Definitely makes things a lot easier when it comes time to break up. Wish I would have thought of keeping everything in my name before my last ex. Almost all cleared up.

faux Established Member

faux

Posted
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With such a blunt message as that, I do not see why you would have wanted him to phone you, or speak to you in person. It seems as though he would have told you how he felt and hung up the phone, or just have walked away when he finished talking. He did at least tell you how he felt.

 

This may have a good side to it; you can focus on what a buffoon he is as opposed to lapsing into any bit of depression. I think it is good that he told you bluntly, but I still agree his words were harsh.

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