Is it weird that a guy I met online shows no sign of wanting to meet for a real date?

[adilaurentis]

Yeah, I guess that "long distance" thing could have been an issue there although it wasn't for me. I know he lives only a few blocks away from his company so he walks to work. And if people nowadays strongly prefer to be able to see your partner on a daily basis, then I guess 40 minutes of a "commute" each day would not be so convenient. After all, he did keep talking about how he'd definitely want to do something the next time I'm up his way or when he's down my way, etc. Also, chances are he met someone in his city that he's been able to see regularly.

 

As for wasting time, the emails he sent were just as long and detailed so I say that was some time commitment there on his end too. The only other issue I can think of is that he mentioned at one point that his mom has a request that he marries a Jewish girl, which I'm not. His dad's not Jewish but his mom is. He said that's not something he particularly cares about, only that she's right for him. Anyway, this might be just a small point compared to the possibility that he'd met someone nearby to hang out with in person.

[Diezel]

Yeah, I didn't mean to interject saying that was the ONLY reason, but it could have certainly contributed. The fact that he had never met you in person, speaks volumes. Distance could have been a factor, but when a man wants to meet a woman badly enough, he'll try at least once.

[adilaurentis]

True. Well, this is just pretty annoying. If it's only someone with whom I'd exchanged a few brief, hardly informative messages on the site, I think it's natural for either of us to fade away at one point if someone better came along, and it wouldn't faze me one bit if that happens. But this guy and I have taken the emails off the site for a little over a month and we've shared so much about ourselves, to the point that I can literally go to his office and "randomly run into him," or visit his sister, or go see his mom's medical practice... well you get the idea. I just think if he decides to stop pursuing this, at least I deserve a closure.

[beach]

Closure? The guy won't even meet you. I wouldn't respond to one more thing he types.

 

Some guys are all talk and no action. He may be one of those.

[kendahke]

True. Well, this is just pretty annoying. If it's only someone with whom I'd exchanged a few brief, hardly informative messages on the site, I think it's natural for either of us to fade away at one point if someone better came along, and it wouldn't faze me one bit if that happens. But this guy and I have taken the emails off the site for a little over a month and we've shared so much about ourselves, to the point that I can literally go to his office and "randomly run into him," or visit his sister, or go see his mom's medical practice... well you get the idea. I just think if he decides to stop pursuing this, at least I deserve a closure.

 

make your own closure. He's not going to give you closure.

 

He never had any intention on dealing with you in person.

[writergal]

make your own closure. He's not going to give you closure.

 

He never had any intention on dealing with you in person.

 

I second this. Adilaurentis, it's easy to get swept up in emailing back and forth with a complete stranger who has only sent you a few photos. The thing is, until you actually meet in person, you have no way to verify ANYTHING; not photographs, not even the so-called 'facts' of his life like where he works, or details about his family or his interests. None of that is relevant until you meet him in person.

 

Do you deserve closure? Closure for what? He catfished you for an entire month. Should he email you and apologize to you for wasting your time; for hooking you like an easy target that you were because you connected online via online dating?

 

Listen, I fell into the same traps a few times myself during my 5 years of online dating and even posted about it on a thread here. The one thing I learned from my catfished experiences with online dating men is that you can't invest yourself emotionally until you meet in person. To get caught up emotionally in emails he's sent you, is naïve because you can't verify anything that he's told you, unless you have mutual friends.

 

I am really sorry this has happened to you. But next time, don't fall so quickly into these traps with OLD men. The repeat offenders who do this online, are men who are insecure and who desperately need an ego boost and attention from any woman, doesn't matter who. They know they can get that attention to feed their bruised little ego via email, which is good for them, but bad for their recipient, who they conveniently leave hanging, wondering, questioning, blaming themselves "what did I do wrong?"

 

He's a schmuck as my granddad would say. Delete his emails. Delete his cellphone. Be done with him.

[adilaurentis]

Thank you. Well, this certainly was a lesson learned about never to talk online for so long without meeting within a reasonable period of time. Next time if something similar happens, I think I'll tell them to either meet or cut it out right away. I've met many guys online and this was the only one that never suggested meeting; all the other ones pretty much exchanged two or three messages on the site and then planned something for real, which I thought was the norm. So yeah I definitely understand how you can talk so well online and still feel no real connection in person. And I've also experienced a few times where I liked the person well as a friend, but didn't feel much romantic connection. I guess since this guy started off the email thread really long and detailed, which I know takes a long time to write each time, and we seem to have a lot in common, I was really curious to see where this would go when I finally got to meet him, which never happened. Ha.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he contacted again at some point, though ... maybe when his other quests or "current interests" fell apart, etc. Then he'll probably come up with some excuses about how he's been traveling or so busy... Ugh.

[writergal]

Thank you. Well, this certainly was a lesson learned about never to talk online for so long without meeting within a reasonable period of time. Next time if something similar happens, I think I'll tell them to either meet or cut it out right away. I've met many guys online and this was the only one that never suggested meeting; all the other ones pretty much exchanged two or three messages on the site and then planned something for real, which I thought was the norm. So yeah I definitely understand how you can talk so well online and still feel no real connection in person. And I've also experienced a few times where I liked the person well as a friend, but didn't feel much romantic connection. I guess since this guy started off the email thread really long and detailed, which I know takes a long time to write each time, and we seem to have a lot in common, I was really curious to see where this would go when I finally got to meet him, which never happened. Ha.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he contacted again at some point, though ... maybe when his other quests or "current interests" fell apart, etc. Then he'll probably come up with some excuses about how he's been traveling or so busy... Ugh.

 

Welcome to the Catfish club, adilaurentis! Sorry to have you as a new member. It happens to the best of us. Believe me. It would be different if you two were exchanging long distant letters. That's romantic at least. But emails with never meeting face to face? Meh. Waste of time I've learned (the hard way).

 

No, don't be surprised when he emails you out of the blue again. Take it as a red flag that his other "romantic interests" fell apart, etc. Now THAT happened to me so I can definitely relate. I was on the receiving end of a guy who was chatting up another gal and myself, meanwhile had a girlfriend offline who he was struggling with. Once he solidified that relationship, he dropped the other gal and myself. Pfft.

 

When he does email you again, don't even give him the time of day. I think you can delete and block his email address.

[katiegrl]

True. Well, this is just pretty annoying. If it's only someone with whom I'd exchanged a few brief, hardly informative messages on the site, I think it's natural for either of us to fade away at one point if someone better came along, and it wouldn't faze me one bit if that happens. But this guy and I have taken the emails off the site for a little over a month and we've shared so much about ourselves, to the point that I can literally go to his office and "randomly run into him," or visit his sister, or go see his mom's medical practice... well you get the idea. I just think if he decides to stop pursuing this, at least I deserve a closure.

 

adilaurentis, this isn't all *his* fault and I think or hope you realize that too. YOU participated too and allowed it to continue..... despite him never wanting to meet you. And let's be honest, he didn't, otherwise he would have!

 

I recall you were posting here awhile back and you received some excellent advice. I myself and some others suggested YOU take the initiative and gauge his response, and if he hemmed and hawed and gave excuses, then WALK AWAY.

 

But apparently you didn't want to do that. And now, here you are weeks later and nothing has changed!

 

That's on YOU cause you could have nipped this thing in the bud a long time ago.

 

Not saying this to make you feel bad, only that you need to take some responsibility too.

 

You allowed it....but lesson learned for next time. If a man doesn't wish to meet you and in fact DOES not meet you within a week or two, move on. And don't allow him to use the *distance* excuse because if that was an issue for him, he had NO business continuing engaging you in long elaborate email exchanges in the first place.

Edited March 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[adilaurentis]

Alright, not surprisingly he suddenly sent an email yesterday and apologized for the long silence. He said he'd been extremely busy at work with his boss out of the office these few weeks and him working late each day and on the weekends. For some reason I found it hard to believe all that. He kept talking about how he wanted to give me the "proper" responses (meaning the super long and detailed kind he used to send) and not just short replies here and there. He also mentioned that he's hoping I can still go join him at a music festival in April that we'd talked about, and that he'll write more and tell me about his birthday and his friend's recent visit as soon as he has a bit more time.

 

Bleh, I don't feel like replying to this at all since I have no way of telling if he's being honest or not. I'm pretty busy myself, dude - until I meet you in person, nothing you say means crap to me.

[Diezel]

Come right out and say, "I don't want to wait til April, let's meet by my area."

 

Either you don't respond to him at all or you say that, but you can't keep going with this.

[adilaurentis]

Just want to update this thread: I did suggest a meeting with this guy and he actually agreed happily and we had a great first date. He showed much interest throughout and kept extending the date and the whole thing ended in us making out, which was completely unexpected. We also planned another date for next week. Turned out that he's pretty smooth, which kind worries me to a certain degree. However, I haven't heard much from him since the date except a quick/brief email exchange on a team's performance that we are both following. Based on my previous experience, if a guy is not all over you or keeping in touch after a date, he's not that interested. So the whole situation remains to be seen but I'm prepared for the possibility that nothing comes out of this. Judging from how I was the one who suggested meeting, etc., though, it seems to me that this guy doesn't take much initiative when it comes to dating, so I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to initiate contact or make a move, etc....

[writergal]

If you have to chase a guy for a first date, you've essentially done his work for him. If a guy really wants to date you, he'll ask you out. You already know based on what you wrote: if a guy isn't keep in touch after a date he's not that interested.

 

Don't waste another second with this guy. He's just not that into you, even though he IS an opportunist and had fun and made out with you. If he didn't suggest a time and place for the 2nd date, it's probably not going to happen.

 

Just want to update this thread: I did suggest a meeting with this guy and he actually agreed happily and we had a great first date. He showed much interest throughout and kept extending the date and the whole thing ended in us making out, which was completely unexpected. We also planned another date for next week. Turned out that he's pretty smooth, which kind worries me to a certain degree. However, I haven't heard much from him since the date except a quick/brief email exchange on a team's performance that we are both following. Based on my previous experience, if a guy is not all over you or keeping in touch after a date, he's not that interested. So the whole situation remains to be seen but I'm prepared for the possibility that nothing comes out of this. Judging from how I was the one who suggested meeting, etc., though, it seems to me that this guy doesn't take much initiative when it comes to dating, so I'm not sure if he's waiting for me to initiate contact or make a move, etc....

[adilaurentis]

Haha the funny thing is in the end when I mentioned how we can finally stop all those super long emails, he was like, "yeah now you have my phone number..." I found that pretty odd - most guys would say something like, "Yeah I'll text/call you..." but to him it seems like the girl has to take initiatives, like "you have my phone number now so call me..."

[beach]

How frustrating.

 

And is he following through on plans for the music festival it did he not mention it?

 

What has he planned in order to see you?

 

Did he take you out on the date? Did he pay?

[adilaurentis]

Yes the music festival was actually the second date we planned for next week. For the first date we just met somewhere for lunch (which he paid the entire bill) and then he suggested that we should go take a walk somewhere so we went to a park nearby and walked around a little bit. And in the end when we were hugging goodbye he kissed me and that dragged the whole date a bit longer. He seemed really bold, smooth, and sexually assertive, like someone who knows what he's doing pretty well ... so I'm not sure if he's playing games with me. Anyway, I think I always get attached too easily especially when I met someone I'm interested in, but if the feelings aren't mutual I can move on. It just seems to me during the date that this was mutual, though.