getting over critical comments by ex and being better in the future

[buffalobuffalo]

My 2 year relationship with my partner ended on Tuesday after a long and painful decline. Last August we moved to a new state so I could take on a new job. This was a decision we made together, as I would have stayed in my previous job unless she was willing to come with me.

 

We lived in our new state together until December, but had some relationship problems, including issues about money and other typical things. Around Thanksgiving she went back home to visit family, and decided she was going to move back but we would work on our relationship. She moved back in early December, and after a few weeks apart we started talking again. It seemed like we were getting better at talking about our issues, and when we talked the week before last we discussed her moving back. She told me that she loved me and she wanted most to be with me. I went away for a few days, and we didn't communicate much while I was traveling. When I came back she was evasive, and when I talked with her on Tuesday she said that she had decided it would never work, that she had kissed a mutual friend of ours the other day, and that we couldn't talk anymore. I haven't heard from her since. This instant shift from talking about our future together to being completely cut off has been devastating, and I have been barely functional in the days since.

 

I am not new to dating, and if someone else said this I'd probably tell them they were delusional, but I really think that she could have been the best partner for me, and I wanted to believe so much that I could be a good partner for her. I thought this person was going to be my wife and I think she spent a lot of time thinking the same.

 

A major issue in our relationship has been trust. My partner had a lot of trust issues growing up due to issues with her family. I think that early on in our relationship we got into a pattern where she felt like I wasn't receptive to criticism, which I think is definitely partly true but also involved other factors about our communication style. We also had a situation, again possibly tied to things from the past, where she would take things that I said and did in a way that was more negative than I intended - that I was being passive aggressive, or controlling, or other things. And even if I apologized for what happened, if I said I really didn't mean that, or tried to talk about what I really was feeling, she would often become upset because she thought I wasn't listening to her or taking her concerns seriously, even when I was really trying my best.

 

I tried to talk with her many times about how I thought that some of these problems were on both sides, and that we could maybe work together and communicate better and that things could be better. I think sometimes she interpreted this as me being unwilling to admit that I was doing things wrong, and I feel like this idea just escalated and escalated until everything blew up. Often she would go off and talk to her friends, her family, her therapist back home, etc., before talking to me, and we got to the point where they were basically all telling her I was bad for her. Our discussions about relationship issues got to the point where she had already decided with her peeps what the outcome was, and the discussion was then about whether I'd admit that she was right, rather than being able to talk about things. Her therapist back home, who I had met with to support my partner working on other issues, but who has never treated me, told her that I had deep issues and could never be a good partner for her until I went to a therapist. She asked me to meet with him, and at the time I felt like he was not going to be supportive to me, and I turned it down.

 

Later we saw a couples counselor, which I was resistant to at first, but once we started going I thought we were making good progress. We finally started talking about some of the things that I had been struggling with about our communication patterns, and I felt like our counselor was helpful in talking about some of the deeper issues. We had one session that covered what I thought was a really key issue in our relationship -- often my partner would take things that I said and repeat them later in a way that was much less kind than I intended, omitting pleases or sorries or making it seem like I was being more argumentative than I intended, or repeated them in a tone that sounded cruel, but I felt like any time I said that I felt that way, she wouldn't believe it. We talked about that in our meeting, and my partner got very upset about my tone in something I said, while the counselor said that my tone was actually reasonable and I might have sounded a bit irritated, but it was probably because she had just interrupted me when it was my turn to talk. I really thought that day that it would be a step forward enabling us to talk about some of these communication problems, but after a few days she told me that the counselor was biased toward me, that the counselor was basically unqualified, and that she wouldn't go back to counseling. She moved out a few days later.

 

I definitely don't think I am innocent from mistakes in our relationship, but the overall dynamic of our relationship was really difficult. I have always been the "best boyfriend ever", I have always been a hit with my partners' friends and families. I am definitely not perfect but I have had enough dating experience that I think I do a pretty good job of communicating my feelings, talking about problems, and trying to make changes when necessary. This was the first time that I have ever not been the best, and I had heard through my partner many stories about how people in her life were telling her that I was bad, that I was emotionally abusive, that I was similar to a member of her family who was very toxic, and that our relationship could never work. My social network, including friends and exes, have all told me so many times that while I am not perfect, I am a kind and loving person, and a good and supportive partner. When I had talked with my partner over the last 2 months about some of these things, she started to acknowledge how there were some harmful elements in how she communicated with me, but every time we approached figuring this stuff out she has acted so angry and antagonistic, telling me that I have never admitted that I had done bad things in our relationship, and that I just didn't understand why she was upset. When I tried to talk about these things to understand them better, we never got anywhere. When I asked her how we might change our relationship to help deal with these kinds of problems, she repeatedly said that the main thing she needed to work on was to be more assertive in telling me what she needed, ignoring all of this other stuff about communication. I spent most of the last few months of our relationship asking her to please be more empathetic to me, and to understand and talk with me about how I felt, and it always felt like she just saw this as me being in denial about my problems.

 

I have lost my best friend and the person that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I know it will get better, but I have been so upset over this situation and have felt like I could have done more. I believe that she does have real issues with anger, and with forgiveness, and I know that isn't all on me. But I still loved her despite this, and just wanted her to see me as an ally and a true partner. And I keep running through scenarios in my brain about how I could have done something differently, if I had just said these things in a different way, she would have heard what I was trying to say and we could have connected. The knowledge that I have to go on without her is devastating, but the thought that I could have done something different that could have taken us on another course is even more so. And thinking that she might go through the rest of her life thinking and telling people that I was some person who didn't care or didn't understand or wasn't emotionally open (another thing that she often said about me), makes me so sad.

 

I know I have to let go but I still feel like deep down that we were good, loving people, and we could have just reached some understanding and had a happy life together. And I don't know how to come to grips with her overwhelming opinion that I have acted uncaring, controlling, and abusive, when I feel in my heart that, while I made many mistakes, I was always sincere and trying my best to be a supportive partner. I don't know whether it means I am crazy and have repressed ******* traits, or whether she just wasn't happy with me as a partner and needed to have irreconcilable differences in order to leave me (in her own therapy she often talked about how she felt like she couldn't make decisions without having undeniable evidence for making that choice). I am torn between feeling like we were one deep, honest conversation away from starting to repair things, or that she stopped loving me a long time ago and this is just the way she came to grips with it.

 

One more thing I should say, is that up until Tuesday she kept saying that she loved me and wanted to be with me. I don't know how she feels now, other than that she has gone NC with me. I have really been invested in figuring this out and I am so heartbroken that things changed so quickly. I thought we were still working together toward a better future.

 

I'm going to see a therapist about this, but won't be able to see them until the week after next. I am having such a hard time adjusting to life without her, wondering whether I could have done anything differently, and doubting myself. I posted a version of this message to reddit.com/r/breakups, and I didn't get very much in the way of support. One person said that it sounded like I was trying to deflect responsibility for my problem, and the other said that my ex had cheated on me. Neither really match how I feel about the situation, and neither is helping me ground myself and take care of myself.

Edited March 1, 2015 by buffalobuffalo
added some missing description...

[Ebelskiver]

The best thing you can do is keep rediculously busy and let tincture of time work it's magic. It doesn't matter what could have been. It only matters what is and how you are going to deal with it. Go NC. Block her on your phone so you won't be preoccupied with whether or not she will call you. Same with social media.

 

I know it hurts and it's hard to accept. Now is the time to strengthen your relationships with your friends.

[Ruby65]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through!!

 

I know how painful it is -- especially when there's a third person in the mix. To me, that was and always will be the most painful breakup I ever experienced!

 

It does sound like you have a grasp on your contribution to the problems. It sounds like you have a really good grasp on the entire situation, to be frank -- and you'll be getting an even deeper understanding when you start therapy. I don't think you're trying to shuck responsibility at all.

 

It sounds like a platitude, but the above post really is spot-on: time WILL heal, especially if you're taking steps to move forward.

 

Right now you're going through the grieving process. Here's an excellent guide that will help you immediately: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Your job right now is to MOVE FORWARD and protect yourself from any fresh new incoming pain. That means not having contact with your ex. That means letting your friends and family support you right now and being extra good to yourself -- eating right, getting enough sleep, taking it a day at a time.

 

Exercise is really important for feeling better. You have a lot of anger and grief and sadness flooding your system right now.... exercise works it out and floods your body with positive chemicals. Right now you want to do everything you can to feel better: exercise, ice cream, watch comedies (even if you can't laugh yet).

 

I know it seems like she was The One. And if you leave her to work this out on her own, who knows? Maybe she'll change her mind and decide you're the one she wants to be with. But for right now, your only job is to keep moving forward, keep healing.

 

Check out the guide in the link I posted! There's also an excellent guide posted on this site that tells you all about going No Contact and why it's so important.

 

Best of luck to you! Keep posting.