Boyfriend of 2 years isn't attracted to me anymore.

[stitchie21]

I need some major advice. I have been in the best relationship of my life for 2 years with the most loving and wonderful boyfriend. We were planning on getting married, had looked at rings, etc...Things were perfect until a couple of days ago.

 

I felt as though he wasn't interested in me or was distancing me. Well I confronted him, and he said he isn't as sexually attracted to me like he used to be. I asked if he wanted to break up, and he said no way, and that he loves me more than ever - and that I am 'perfect' for him in every other way.

 

I have never felt so hurt, disgusted, and horrible about myself.

 

Here is more. I have never been a 'thin' person. I am a bigger girl, and I have gained quite a bit of weight since we started dating. He agreed that this is the problem and that if I lost the weight he would again be sexually attracted to me.

 

I have been working on my 'weight problem' for around 6 months now...sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. What hurts me though is that HE has gained a lot of weight also, and is making no effort to make a change. Besides that, I doesn't really bother me - I am still attracted and still love him more everyday. I just can't understand why he doesn't love me for who I am. I realize I should try to stay attractive for him and it was my fault that I got comfortable and kind of let myself go.

 

He said he wants to help me with this. He also said he doesn't want to lose me, and be with me forever, that I am perfect for him. I am so confused, and sad, and just really need some help.

[westernxer]

Love is conditional. Always has been, always will be.

 

Nobody loves anyone just because. Always a disclaimer somewhere on the page, even if it's discreetly watermarked or reduced to fine print.

 

Sad but true.

 

That being said, he still wants to be with you. Maybe he's doing you a favor by being honest. Obesity certainly isn't healthy, and it definitely isn't fun to look at, especially when it happens to someone you love. Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

What do I know.

[gridiron]

Stitchie, you are in a no-win situation if you're motivation is to do it for him. You resesnt him for making his sexual attraction to you dependent on your weight, when you do not do the same for him. The natural action would do something to piss him off, either staying at your weight or gaining weight.

 

You should both work on this together, but if he has refused, then you need to find another source of motivation, since the last thing you want to do is lose weight just for him to "win" his sexual attraction to you back. Constructive motivation can only come from you wanting to do it for yourself, for a healthier lifestyle and to look better. If that doesn't work, you may have to think about how it would nice to "get even" by reaching the weight you want to be at, looking sexier, and then being able to start telling him how you don't want to sleep with a porker and it is his turn to shed some pounds. Whatever it takes. But clearly, you do not want to do it just for him, nor should you.

[faux]

My analysis is as follows:

 

Your boyfriend finds you to be a wonderful person, but because of your weight, he may no longer find you physically attractive like he once did. I think it is good that he is being honest about it.

 

You notice that your boyfriend has also gained some weight. You might also notice that society, at least American society, does not have so many constraints about men and weight. The weight of men, for the most part, might be negligable in American society. For women this tends to be a different story.

 

If you think that being viewed as sexually attractive by your partner is very important, you will have to change your body, or stand up for your beliefs and confront your boyfriend on this issue again.

 

I told my girlfriend that if she were to become 'fat', I might very well no longer find her attractive or sexually attractive. I do not see the need to lie to her. Of course, I explained that if I were to become 'fat', I would not be able to condone her for not finding me attractive. 'Fat', in this context, is whatever myself or my girlfriend, respectively, would personally consider to be, well, 'fat'.

 

If you are happy with how you are now, I think it would not be wise to change your body for your boyfriend. If you want to try to lose weight, then you should continue to do so. Maybe the two of you can become a bit more active together. Perhaps the both of you can take walks. I found that walking helped me to lose quite a bit of weight when I became heavy some number of years ago. I walked for half an hour, or a full hour or more, at least three times a week. I think it might be nice to walk with your boyfriend.

[stitchie21]

Thank you everyone for your advice. We are going to try to work it out together. Plus, I am going to do this for myself, with the benefit that he will appreciate it too. I am excited for my new body!!!

[westernxer]

Go for it... we're rooting for you.