fellini Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Yes BK, I think it is that simple. My WW really had no complaints at home, in fact she probably had more reasonable complaints years earlier, before our daughter was born. But i dont think she had opportunities. Sure there were men hitting on her, she is quite beautiful, but she wasn't attracted to them. Her workplace AP has been a prof in her faculty as long as or longer than her. They knew of each other. She sat on several committees with him. A couple of nothing encounters, or so she thought. One day she was drinking from a fountain and he came up behind her and gave her a massive hug. At first she thought it to be a female colleague and good friend and so instantly accepted and enjoyed it, but then turned and was shocked it was him. Damage done. She associated those feelings with him and that hug, and never looked back. She spent a year developing their relationship. She spent 6 months completely and totally dedicated to him. And life at home went on like nothing was happening. His hugs were the thing she clung to.and because he was a "public hugger" she could feed her fantasy all she needed. Course later she claimed I wasn't "meeting her needs". ***************************************************************** Fellini...you have hit on some harsh but true Reasons for infidelity.."I believe what causes more spouses to enter into an affair is opportunity with someone they find attractive. Nothing more is necessary. Then suddenly finding oneself in this situation you never believed you could be in, you look elsewhere to explain it. I wanted so bad ,as you know for logical reason for my WWs affair...just a GODDA*N logical reason for the destruction of two families...Something ...Anything to explain her such out of character behavior...I never got one... I wanted it to be Complex and complicated ..maybe it was not...maybe it was just that simplistic ..... These are actual quotes from WWs to leading infidelity expert Katie Lersch.. Notice the SAME THEME ...It validates your point .... "I had an affair with a man who takes yoga at the same time that I do. I never had any intention of leaving my husband and my family. I made the huge mistake of cheating on my spouse last year. My husband found out about it from the other man. My husband immediately confronted me and I admitted to everything. I don't want to jeopardize my family I regret cheating on my husband more than any mistake that I have ever made in my entire life. I love my husband. I don't want for him to leave me. I want him in my life. I was an idiot to jeopardize my marriage with this man. I had an affair that started at my job. And I know that the other man isn't a high quality person. He's not an upstanding guy the way that my husband is. The only thing that I had with the other man was great sex. I heard from a wife who said: "I feel like such a cheap, low life for cheating on my husband. I am so embarrassed by this. My husband lost his job last year and I had to go back to work. I decided to work at a restaurant so that I could have very flexible hours. I ended up having an affair with my boss, who manages the restaurant. Honestly, the other man isn't anyone that I would have associated with before, much less have been attracted to. This is so out of character for me Just that Simple......Badkarma 2
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 I know that it is impossible to capture the complexities of a relationship in a few sentences, but I get the impression, that she is not an easy person to please. She wants to move, is content for awhile, but eventually wants to move again. It is going to be very hard for her to find happiness in life, when she isn't happy with herself. I won't tell you to divorce as only you can make that decision, but the long term prognostication does not look very good my friend.
sandylee1 Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Nonsense, total nonsense. Porn might not be cheating to you but it sure can be betrayal to a partner. Just as masturbation is not cheating, but can be considered betrayal if you are denying sexual intercourse with you partner but getting off every day behind their back. How anyone can claim that "emotional availability " is weak excuse in a marriage obviously doesn't know what marriage is. OP has clearly defined the borders of his responsibility and those of the affair. He said it perfectly: he recognises his role in the environment that may have contributed to his wife's decision to look elsewhere. For once let's just call a spade, a spade. I have to agree with Felini on this one. Emotional unavailability is not a weak excuse. Though she hasn't used this excuse as yet, it's just what the OP is saying. All too often when a betrayed spouse attributes some blame on themselves, people refuse to accept it and say there's no excuse for cheating. One has to get real here. Regarding the Porn, some women consider it a betrayal and for them it causes a lot of problems. For some this gives the impression their spouse finds other women more attractive and gets off that way. More than anything here, it seems OPs wife has checked out of the marriage a bit from what he has said. 2
fellini Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) Just to be clear though, my point is that the choice to cheat among a myriad of other options that a spouse has as a form of response to conditions in the marriage (engage in drinking, hobbies, a club or sport, more time at work, jogging, build a porch, separation, coach potato, talk about it with spouse to name a few) falls squarely on the shoulders of the cheating spouse. Cheating is not an option to solving a marital problem. reason is not decision, regardless if the conditions are external (spouse is emotionally unavailable) or internal (I'm not happy). As I have indicated elsewhere, im not of the mind that marital conditions create cheaters, I think having an opportunity does. Then, and only then, does the marriage itself get pulled into the justifications by the wayward. I have to agree with Felini on this one. Emotional unavailability is not a weak excuse. Though she hasn't used this excuse as yet, it's just what the OP is saying. All too often when a betrayed spouse attributes some blame on themselves, people refuse to accept it and say there's no excuse for cheating. One has to get real here. Regarding the Porn, some women consider it a betrayal and for them it causes a lot of problems. For some this gives the impression their spouse finds other women more attractive and gets off that way. More than anything here, it seems OPs wife has checked out of the marriage a bit from what he has said. Edited March 2, 2015 by fellini 1
sandylee1 Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Just to be clear though, my point is that the choice to cheat among a myriad of other options that a spouse has as a form of response to conditions in the marriage (engage in drinking, hobbies, a club or sport, more time at work, jogging, build a porch, separation, coach potato, talk about it with spouse to name a few) falls squarely on the shoulders of the cheating spouse. Cheating is not an option to solving a marital problem. . I understand you fully. Issues need to be discussed rather than for one spouse to cheat. If that doesn't work, time to separate, then consider divorce. 1
atreides Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 You might be right, I have probably gone about it the wrong way. The problem is that I don't know how to give her the help she needs in a way that will actually help. She has a lot of baggage from her childhood to deal with, and I've been trying to be there to the best of my abilities, but eventually it gets very exhausting. As I have indicated elsewhere, im not of the mind that marital conditions create cheaters, I think having an opportunity does. Then, and only then, does the marriage itself get pulled into the justifications by the wayward. Well said... moreover the "reasons" the wayward seeks justification elsewhere is actually as one poster had asked about logic, the path of least resistance to explain their own actions by their own "logic" is to blame the marriage and not themselves. It is a lot harder to look in the mirror; moreover digging deep to find the problem is far more work than going back 3 years, 2 months and a day to say, "you were not emotionally available then." 2
sandylee1 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I don't believe the OPs marriage was in such a bad state for this to happen. However, I like to be real about all aspects of life. Every marriage is different and everyone every person is an individual. If a couple's sex life is non existent and the husband /wife keeps approaching their spouse, who rejects and pushes them away again and again. Then over weeks and months says ' I really want us to have sex, i need intimacy and if you keep pushing me away I'll be tempted to look elsewhere'. The spouse who doesn't want sex keeps rejecting, then 2 years later finds their spouse in affair, they should not claim to be blindsided by it and refusal to accept any responsibility for the events that led to the affair is madness IMHO. This is by no means the case in OP's marriage, but I know where this very scenario has happened. 1
atreides Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 If a couple's sex life is non existent and the husband /wife keeps approaching their spouse, who rejects and pushes them away again and again. Then over weeks and months says ' I really want us to have sex, i need intimacy and if you keep pushing me away I'll be tempted to look elsewhere'. . Just in principle for context, "look elsewhere" ... no divorce, but too look elsewhere? why is it just good enough but yet not good enough? People are blindsided because the marriage was said, "just good enough for" but not really, there is acceptance on both part because nothing is done to terminate the status quo. That is why infidelity is not a marital problem but a personal one. 1
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