Why is it that I want a boyfriend, but then I find it exhausting to even have one?

February 28, 2015

I'm in my 30's, I've been in the dating world for a few years, at times I want a relationship, but then when I go on dates and think about what a drag it would be to actually be in a relationship, like having to take care of my significant other, working hard to make him happy, having to be interesting 24/7 to keep his interest and not play around, paying attention to him constantly and never straying..I find it annoying and would prefer to be single and have my own space. Its like I don't want to have someone breathing down my back 24/7, watching my every move, criticizing what I do and what I don't do, possibly calling me out for doing something wrong, makes me never want to be with someone. Am I wrong?

February 28, 2015

I'm in my 30's, I've been in the dating world for a few years, at times I want a relationship, but then when I go on dates and think about what a drag it would be to actually be in a relationship, like having to take care of my significant other, working hard to make him happy, having to be interesting 24/7 to keep his interest and not play around, paying attention to him constantly and never straying..I find it annoying and would prefer to be single and have my own space. Its like I don't want to have someone breathing down my back 24/7, watching my every move, criticizing what I do and what I don't do, possibly calling me out for doing something wrong, makes me never want to be with someone. Am I wrong?

It sounds like you're talking about a child not a boyfriend.

February 28, 2015

Isn't being in a relationship having to be in each other's business 24/7?

February 28, 2015

I'm in my 30's, I've been in the dating world for a few years, at times I want a relationship, but then when I go on dates and think about what a drag it would be to actually be in a relationship,

like having to take care of my significant other, working hard to make him happy, This is a very dated concept. Many conventional couples SHARE the responsibilities.

having to be interesting 24/7 to keep his interest Not while asleep.

and not play around, never straying This is not Relationship behavior.

paying attention to him constantly ..someone breathing down my back 24/7, watching my every move, criticizing what I do and what I don't do, possibly calling me out for doing something wrong, XX[/QUOTE]

XX Are you talking about a husband or boyfriend? This is very needy/parandoid behavior regardless. And just what would you be doing to cause it?

Edited February 28, 2015 by EngnimaticResponse

February 28, 2015

It sounds like you're talking about a child not a boyfriend.

But wait.... Aren't women suppose to "take care" of men in a relationship? So, yes having a boyfriend/husband is all about taking care of them, like a child. Cooking, cleaning, ironing, rubbing feet after a long days work...

February 28, 2015

I think your picture of relationships are a little bit out-dated. Co-operating in the household together is great, but nowadays most prefer the style to meet up regularly/almost daily while still living in seperate homes for example.

Most men can take care of themselves pretty well, although some of them wouldn't mind sharing the bathtub or shower sometimes I guess.

February 28, 2015

Well, I've stayed single for decades. Really, having someone around all the time (more like marriage) sounds like too much work for me too. But remember there are all kinds of couples. You do not have to have a traditional relationship like you've described. You don't have to cook at all if you don't want to and have enough $$ to eat out. You don't have to clean it all. If you live together, he should do half -- or you can hire a housekeeper to come in and help. You don't have to get a boyfriend or husband who is "high maintenance" and wants your attention every hour you're both home. Many men are perfectly happy having a lot of space and giving you your space, and presumably you're both busy working and not on exactly the same schedule. You just have to work out the logistics on that to both your advantage.

But I do understand what you mean in some ways. This is hypothetical, but for instance, recently a guy I've known forever commented he doesn't like dogs to sleep in bed, get on the pillows, etc. My dogs sleep in my bed. I like it, and they have always done it. I have ways to keep the pillows and sheets protected (take pillows off the bed when I'm not using them and using an extra sheet on top of the bed so the dogs can't get the bottom linens hairy.) I'm not about to listen to them whine because I kicked them out of the pack and out the door, although I'm onboard getting them out of the area during sex. Plus except for sex and a cuddle, I don't like sleeping with people anymore due to being old and noisy and having lots of physical stuff interfering and just not needing the space restriction. So that basic thing alone is probably enough to prevent any live-in arrangement, but it could be overcome if he agreed to separate rooms.

But then there would be some advantages to having a roommate, namely someone around going into old age and especially someone who might split bills and help keep me solvent. So it's one of those things you just have to weigh in every situation and not jump into and decide if it's even possible to come together in a way that enhances your life rather than cripples it and puts more stress on you.

Try being who you are, not who they want you to be from the very start and just see if there's someone who's a good fit.

February 28, 2015

You need a strong, independent, confident man that isn't too needy and doesn't require too much attention. I think you would be happy then. Perhaps someone a bit introverted who doesn't mind time away.?

February 28, 2015

But wait.... Aren't women suppose to "take care" of men in a relationship? So, yes having a boyfriend/husband is all about taking care of them, like a child. Cooking, cleaning, ironing, rubbing feet after a long days work...

the wonderful thing about a relationship is the sharing part....you have to cook clean and do everything else anyway...having a partner doesnt mean more work really...one more bath towel one more set of clothes to throw in the load you already have .....

and honestly i tried sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle ....didnt do anything for me.......and it refused to cuddle me after.....then it made me hang out the clothes all by myself.....hasnt spoken to me in weeks...which is actually a good thing...when i start talking to my washing machine my kids look at me funny.....even more when i tell them it replies.....kidding.....

beign ina relationship is enhancing who you are, not depreciating at all.....and when you are in a relationship all those things you did when you were single....well they dont change much other than to share them with your partner...there are too many beautiful things about being in a relationship to deny yourself one......it always takes adapting.....i have always found the effort i put into a relationship incredibly rewarding and fulfilling...especially when the guy i am with....does the same...

at one stage i didnt even want to think about another relationship....i had been hurt too badly and it took me years to recover......i was scared....well i am still scared about being hurt again but the hurt is gone from before..........and i know how rewarding a good relationship can be.....because it is fulfilling and i love sharing my life with someone special.....its worth the trials...for the right guy ...it is so worth it......my washing machine however is not happy to know i am ready for a relationship...i think its jealous....too bad....:0)...i am just joking

maybe you arent ready yet for a relationship ...it could be just that...............deb

February 28, 2015

No, that isn’t how relationships always are. Relationships are the creation of the two people in them, not a list of performance requirements. Many are mutually supportive and the two people in the relationship take care of each other, share responsibilities and enjoy being together and doing for each other. Ideally, a relationship should lighten your load and make you feel better, not worse. None of that means you have to want one though. If you prefer privacy and your own space, that’s a-ok.

February 28, 2015

I wouldn't want a relationship either if your vision of what one looks like: 24/7 you constantly taking care of him -- is what relationships really were.

A good relationship is mutual. You take care of each other. You should be getting as much as you are giving. With enough money you can hire somebody else & pay them money to cook, clean, iron, even rub the feet. A relationship should be about emotional support & having fun. Having somebody to share the good times with & to rely on in bad times. A good relationship makes your life easier not harder.

February 28, 2015

I'm in my 30's, I've been in the dating world for a few years, at times I want a relationship, but then when I go on dates and think about what a drag it would be to actually be in a relationship, like having to take care of my significant other, working hard to make him happy, having to be interesting 24/7 to keep his interest and not play around, paying attention to him constantly and never straying..I find it annoying and would prefer to be single and have my own space. Its like I don't want to have someone breathing down my back 24/7, watching my every move, criticizing what I do and what I don't do, possibly calling me out for doing something wrong, makes me never want to be with someone. Am I wrong?

It seems an overly negative view of relationships.

I mean...you do give up some of the freedom of being single in that you have to be considerate of another person, compromise on certain things, communicate, but not like how you're describing it: breathing down your back, constantly working to keep the person happy and keep their interest, being on 24/7, take care of them etc....you describe it more like the full attention a baby needs or a dog and not a grown man.

That's not how my relationships have worked. It also seems a lot of it is your own insecurities where you feel you have to do these things 24/7 or they won't like you...so of course if that is your mentality that one needs to be catering to their SO hand and foot and be perfect 24/7 for a relationship to be good, of course it's more work and stress than anything else. If you however date someone with their own life and if you genuinely have your own interests and are with someone who genuinely values you, then there is no need to be perfect or act like their servant or personal court jester. A good relationship is like a bestfriend with romance and sex. If you have a bestfriend and don't constantly need to work to make him/her like you or be perfect everyday and they aren't breathing down your back, then why expect that from a relationship? Do you have any examples of relationships you see around you that you like?

February 28, 2015

My response to this OP and I do see this prevalent around the Millennial generation of "Having their cake and eat it too" scenario.

February 28, 2015

A good relationship will consist of caring for each OTHER. Not just one sided.

February 28, 2015

But wait.... Aren't women suppose to "take care" of men in a relationship? So, yes having a boyfriend/husband is all about taking care of them, like a child. Cooking, cleaning, ironing, rubbing feet after a long days work...

I feel your pain. I'm in my early 30s too, same problem. I want a boyfriend, but most men where I live have a I want a girl to "take care of me" attitude, in short a wife that's like their mum.

Try and find someone to date, don't rush anything. No moving in together after 6 months etc keep your space and let him have his. If he even want to give you a key say no(just kidding)

February 28, 2015

Whenever a guy shows interest in me, he makes these comments as to why I am the way I am. Like he analyzes my every move, he questions my personality-"I like you because you are reserved." I'm like wth is that suppose to mean? He asks me a question and tells me why I don't any emotional that the big game was on last night. And I hate that! Its like dealing with an annoying knat. I'm tired of hearing complaints about my style.

February 28, 2015

What you're describing as a relationship isn't a healthy relationship.

Relationships are teamwork, not one being obligated to take care of the other.

If a man wants that he should probably stay living with his mother.

I had a LT healthy relationship and before that my other shorter relationships were healthy too. My last RS was not healthy at all. He was controlling and a narcissist.

I know exactly what you mean about breathing down your neck and the annoying gnat thing as I had that too with my last ex. He said several times that I didn't behave or react to things in the same way as his ex's did - so therefore he said how I behaved/reacted was wrong.

I'm me, I only behave the way I behave. I'm not a carbon copy of anyone else and neither should you be.

You just need to trust your instincts and act on them sooner - something which I have learned since that last terrible RS of mine.

I was naïve, I hadn't experienced that type of man before. Now that I have I find his type pretty easy to spot - even just from a few written words sometimes.

March 1, 2015

What you're describing as a relationship isn't a healthy relationship.

Relationships are teamwork, not one being obligated to take care of the other.
If a man wants that he should probably stay living with his mother.

I had a LT healthy relationship and before that my other shorter relationships were healthy too. My last RS was not healthy at all. He was controlling and a narcissist.

I know exactly what you mean about breathing down your neck and the annoying gnat thing as I had that too with my last ex. He said several times that I didn't behave or react to things in the same way as his ex's did - so therefore he said how I behaved/reacted was wrong.

I'm me, I only behave the way I behave. I'm not a carbon copy of anyone else and neither should you be.
You just need to trust your instincts and act on them sooner - something which I have learned since that last terrible RS of mine.
I was naïve, I hadn't experienced that type of man before. Now that I have I find his type pretty easy to spot - even just from a few written words sometimes.

Yeah, this is what I'm talking about! If they complain about my ways, then why be interested if all they're going to do is bitch about it? If I'm going to date someone, its not going to be with some guy that criticizes me like a pestering knat. I don't understand the pestering part, they need to piss off.

March 1, 2015

I think the problem is that there are a lot of co-dependent, needy people out there. Personally, I value my independence. So I'd prefer to have a woman in my life that was cool with spending 3-4x a week together. She'd have her own life, friends, and not feel the need to talk to me every single day.

I've always thought that daily communication was a bit silly. On a day to day basis, everyone's routine is pretty much the same. So why the need to talk about it every single day?

March 1, 2015

I think the problem is that there are a lot of co-dependent, needy people out there. Personally, I value my independence. So I'd prefer to have a woman in my life that was cool with spending 3-4x a week together. She'd have her own life, friends, and not feel the need to talk to me every single day.

I've always thought that daily communication was a bit silly. On a day to day basis, everyone's routine is pretty much the same. So why the need to talk about it every single day?

Exactly!!!

I want to be a part of someone's life, not all of it.

When I last tried using OLD it could be pretty obvious the types of men who needed way too much contact. It would only take a few mails to figure it out.

Most guys I chatted with I opted out before even meeting them due to this.

March 1, 2015

possibly calling me out for doing something wrong

Oh so you don't want a man that has self-respect, confidence, and unwilling to take your sh*t?

rubbing feet after a long days work...

Hey, this sounds like fun. Where can I find a woman that does this?

March 1, 2015

Oh so you don't want a man that has self-respect, confidence, and unwilling to take your sh*t?

*holds hands up* I do!!!!!!

I got in the wrong for not gushing in awe in the way his ex's had when he sent me flowers to work three times when I had already told him before he sent the first bouquet that I didn't like receiving flowers at all.

Yep, I guess he wasn't willing to take my sh*t!

My bad! I would have preferred he save his money and buy his lovely Mum something nice.

March 1, 2015

It seems as if "needy" is really a subjective term. What's considered "needy" to some may not be needy to others.

Example:

Where I work, there are highly co-dependent couples that are joined at the hip. One woman who had been with her husband for 5 years, and married to him for 2 years...their life revolves pretty much around each other.

Ask her what she's got going on this weekend, "Me and the husband are just hanging out" nothing else.

They come to work together, go to lunch together on their lunch hour, and go home together.

But hey, is that considered "Needy" if it works for BOTH of them??

Usually an "independent" woman would look at her and consider THAT marriage her worst nightmare. *Shrug* Go figure. Of course, this may be the small town mentality.

I think the problem is that there are a lot of co-dependent, needy people out there. Personally, I value my independence. So I'd prefer to have a woman in my life that was cool with spending 3-4x a week together. She'd have her own life, friends, and not feel the need to talk to me every single day.

I've always thought that daily communication was a bit silly. On a day to day basis, everyone's routine is pretty much the same. So why the need to talk about it every single day?

So I'd prefer to have a woman in my life that was cool with spending 3-4x a week together.

Some may even consider that many times a week too "needy".

March 1, 2015

Example:

Where I work, there are highly co-dependent couples that are joined at the hip. One woman who had been with her husband for 5 years, and married to him for 2 years...their life revolves pretty much around each other.
Ask her what she's got going on this weekend, "Me and the husband are just hanging out" nothing else.
They come to work together, go to lunch together on their lu nch hour, and go home together.

In that you are calling this co-dependent and needy between these couples I am assuming that you are aware that one partner is unhappy with this situation. Yes?

If they are not unhappy and both are happy then you are not understanding the meanings of co-dependency or neediness.

If they are both happy they have a strong bond and are both very relaxed and happy in each others company. They are also likely to be less bothered if one is not around, yes they would miss the other but also they know the other still loves them and cares for them.

March 2, 2015

I'm in my 30's, I've been in the dating world for a few years, at times I want a relationship, but then when I go on dates and think about what a drag it would be to actually be in a relationship, like having to take care of my significant other, working hard to make him happy, having to be interesting 24/7 to keep his interest and not play around, paying attention to him constantly and never straying..I find it annoying and would prefer to be single and have my own space.

So it sounds like you would like the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility? I've found there's actually a lot of that in the dating world.

That's not a relationship, that's an accessory! No different then some fancy ear-rings or a nice watch. Something that you can pull out when the appropriate occasion comes up, but easily goes back on the shelf without complaint when the moment passes.

While I know some couples actually work like that, they are few and far between. I'm guessing it's going to be hard to find someone to sign on to be the other half of a dynamic like that.

TOJAZ

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