pdot Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Hey folks - so here it goes. My girlfriend, well ex I suppose - have known each other for over 4 years. We met the night she ended up dating a good friend of mine for 3 and a half years. They broke up - she moved into an apartment building above a friend of hers who helped her through the breakup. They ended up becoming friends with benefits. She was infatuated but he didn't want a relationship. After a couple months she realized he was not right for her anyway - and then we hung out. Though I've known her for years, i never really "knew her" simply because she was my friends girlfriend - always hanging out with us as a group. We all worked at the same place as well. When we got together...it was...magical. It was like "this is what we've been missing" our entire lives. Pretty much over night we were saying "in love", talking about a future and marriage within days. It was awesome! We were good... Through this initial phase she was still close to the guy downstairs - in a platonic way. She brought him food down a couple times after we cooked dinner, cut his hair a couple times when he asked. I told her it kind of bothered me - which in turn bothered her, since from her reality there was nothing to worry about. It only bothered me because well, weeks before we got together i was giving her advice on how to be with this guy. Anyway...we fell hard. Soon tiny little arguments would emergy - often over trivial things. I am the more emotional person (male) whereas in heightened emotional states she withdraws her feelings and goes into robot mode. In these instances I found that instead of listening to me, she would only make me more "upset". We had a few big fights - most of our fights were through Facebook, funnily enough. There the communication, because of the distance a chat box creates, enabled for arguments that would bother us for days...This happened at least once a month. When we were together though, it was passionate - full of love. In these instances, i realized i was the pursuer - i would push with kindness trying to fix and get the bottom, and she would pull away - and in doing so would come off cold. I am the type who would just...run down right now and talk, whereas she wanted to be alone. She went off to another city 4 weeks ago for 8 days, to see family and friends. I stayed in her apartment and looked after her cat. She messaged me when she could...a few quick msg's a day - usually at around 3-4 am her time while i was sleeping to say she missed me. I knew she busy - she told me she barely had alone time but that's about all I knew. I would ask what she's up to, but i got little information because she had no time to "talk", really. Around the 5th day I started getting anxiety, because I missed her -and i was home in her place! She messaged me in the am at work, asked how I was - said i was great! That I loved her, missed her - was feeling a bit anxious but otherwise great. She had to know why - when I told her...it all went down hill. I basically asked if she could spare 5-10 minutes of her time one of these days to catch up - call or something. Not checking in but I wanted to know what she's been up too! She told me "why should i take time out of my day to talk to you when i'm here vising family and friends i have not seen in years - seems strange to me". Her reasoning, and I agree to an extent - is that she is going away for 8 days and coming back - nothing is wrong. I knew this, but I felt anxious. That set off a Facebook argument for days while she was away. Throughout this entire relationship I had always gone the extra mile. I made her cards, notes, sent e-mails, made an animation, bought food, made her food, gave her massages all the time - never wanting a thing in return. I did it because I loved her. *** What I was realizing was that - yes we were both head over heels for each other, but because we never really "knew" each other before, we were working backwards in the relationship. Started out married and then learned about our emotional needs - and how we love and communicate. She had a very...formal relationship with her parents as a child. They are wealthy. She left home at the age of 15 to boarding schools, barely keeping in contact and not seeing her parents for around 3-4 years a time. Never bothered her. Her family - her feelings of love and longing came from friends she made throughout - and kept in contact with via online chatting. She also had a traumatic event as a kid from her older, adopted brother. My feeling is that - because of these events, she learned to internalize emotion - to tuck it away - and apply logic when emotion comes to the forefront. She learned she had nobody to talk to - so independence was how she survived. She is a very very smart woman. I've recently realized my faults in this. The feelings of "abandonment". When I was around 11 my mother would leave for a month at a night with no contact. She would come home, the family would act normal. Then she would leave again. Eventually she came home - and whatever the reason my dad forgave and they have been great ever since. I think my anxiety stems from this. I know my mother loved me - but why would she leave without telling us what she's doing? So, here we found ourselves in the pursuer / distancer relationship. She came home the Monday after valentines day to an apartment full of romantic things....but because of arguing on Facebook she was cold to me (on Facebook). We had agreed to meet the following Friday to talk. Throughout that week I kept being kind, reaching out...saying nice things, and she would respond in a way I thought was cold - or uncaring. On that Thursday a comment she made towards something nice i said - set me off. I bused it down and dropped the ring off (was her dad's he made, she gave it to me a sign of commitment when we first got together). I immediately regretted it. We've seen each other once since - this past Monday. It was very weird at first. But we talked, I talked. I talked about the above things. We hugged, we touched hands, I left and she msg'd me saying it was great to see me... Well this past week has been nothing but confusion!!! She is scared...and thinks I cannot be trusted since giving back the ring...She has asked for a bit of time and space to let this mess clear - most of which was due to communication through Facebook (ridiculous!). It was hard at first because here i was pursuing! Hah. We realized we were doing the same thing. We talked this morning on the phone, so I am respecting her decision for time and space - to let her calm herself and think. In a month we were supposed to go to a show in another city (i bought tickets for it 3 months ago) and in July we have tickets for her favorite musician (thought I bought a couple months ago). She is begging to go to those shows with me still, no matter what happens - she would not want to go with anyone else. Of course I said i would like that too. Anyway - current situation = giving her space. The thing is, we've both been hurt here. I was hurt and I acted irrationally by busing down and giving the ring. Which in turn hurt her. We both love each other a LOT. There is a passion between us that we've never had anywhere. It's great. My feeling is, with some time and space to recollect - we can realize that we started out in an arranged marriage basically, and had to learn how our own emotional needs are met. I think that with some time and space, we can come back and be much better - perfect, knowing this information now. Though I am a little scared she will give up....
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