Aquarius woman

February 28, 2015

My daughter’s an Aquarius woman, and she doesn’t fit your description- at least her husband doesn't think so.

You’re clearly not on the same page about some key issues, so break up and look for a better match. Don’t string her along. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who thinks your positions or opinions were stupid, right? It’s already done in your own mind.

February 28, 2015

Hi, she has been stringing me along, and I am done, onward I go

thank you

February 28, 2015

Also she drinks almost every night, and not just a few sips of wine, drinks till she is drunk

That's all you need to know. She is an alcoholic. Never mind her sign.

But in any case, I know a bit about astrology and Cancer and Aquarius are not a good match. They have little in common. Cancer is very sensitive, more traditional and focused on family. Aquarius people are in general rather individualistic and not very traditional.

February 28, 2015

Also, as the years go by, she will become increasingly resentful of her partner's inability to make her happy (an impossible task). That's what happened to me and to hundreds of other abused spouses/partners I've communicated with.

Yes, general mayhem notwithstanding, the BPD/codependent relationships include an unspoken contract. Since they don't have the internal resources to self-regulate or a fully formed sense of self, the deal is that their intimate partner is obliged fill that void for them, which of course is impossible. So when they become overwhelmed negative feelings, it's your fault. The fact that they aren't happy is indisputable evidence that you are withholding––a baaaad person. It's called splitting.

The codependent buys into the deal too; trying to appease and coach them through it just affirms that it's your problem. They will come to resent you for not holding up your end... doing a lousy job at making them feel whole.

February 28, 2015

Hi Sal ,a few other things that are coming back to me

She has fights with her children all the time, put's them down, usually grounds them in some fashion, but it doesn't last long or for the amount of time specified, then its like she feels bad and takes them shopping, I mean she spends a lot of money, almost like buying their love

puts her family down a lot

she is a successful business owner, making people look good, botox and all that stuff, she is always cheerful at work and people admire her a lot, but really has no close friends

very private at home, doesn't like anyone to visit

are these signs of BDPers?

Rob

February 28, 2015

Yes, ALL Aquarius women are like this.

This has nothing to do with her sign, it has to do with WHO she is as a person and how she has issues or is messing with you (playing immature games). Women (and men) who act like the above aren't worth having around. Dump her and find someone else.

If someone truly wants you, they will make lots of effort to make time and they won't be rude/mean/play games. They will be honest, kind and sincere.

Thank you!

I was beginning to think I was in the Twilight Zone....you know, where the moon is in the 7th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars....

March 1, 2015

very typical of an aqua women and the men are the same. they can fall in love and be happy, but of all the signs they are the least likely to ever marry. there are more single aqua women and men than any other sign. two of your more famous examples - Jen Aniston and Oprah - so detached emotionally they don't even have kids, which is common as well. but if you like astrology then you should also realize that astrologers looks at an entire chart and not just the sun sign, so do so more studies and you might find your are she are compatible anyway

March 1, 2015

Hi Sal ,a few other things that are coming back to me

She has fights with her children all the time, put's them down, usually grounds them in some fashion, but it doesn't last long or for the amount of time specified, then its like she feels bad and takes them shopping, I mean she spends a lot of money, almost like buying their love

puts her family down a lot

she is a successful business owner, making people look good, botox and all that stuff, she is always cheerful at work and people admire her a lot, but really has no close friends

very private at home, doesn't like anyone to visit

are these signs of BDPers?

Rob

Yes, many of those would be considered traits or symptoms. Here are the diagnostic criteria, which is a structured tool––not the same as general signs, traits, symptoms.

unstable interpersonal relationships- yes

shopping, I mean she spends a lot of money- yes

successful business owner- high functioning BPD can do this

but really has no close friends- yes, typical (meant to ask about same sex friendships)

isolated and reclusive- no, not necessarily

Although the current literature doesn't focus much on etiology, BPD (and other cluster C disorders) is probably caused by genetic predisposition combined with disrupted or incomplete maternal bonding in early childhood. So it is typically passed from mother to child, more typically daughters by a ratio of 3:1. So I would expect to see troubled relationships between her and he kids, and between her and her mother. It would seem that a certain part of the brain has a small window of opportunity for proper development, and it requires successful bonding with the primary caregiver. BPD people are often victims of abuse and all kinds of horrible childhood trauma.

March 1, 2015

She has strong BPD traits , will she ever grow out of this? .....

No, I'm sorry, you're not getting this.... read post #13 again.... This is not something she will EVER "grow out of".... IF she is BP - this is it. The only possible means f controlling it is via medicl means, and personal therapy....

I can't see myself going through this for the next 30 years, and I can definetly not say to her that she has BPD and needs help.
If theres no light at the end of the tunnel , I think it may be best for me to move on.

There's ALWAYS 'light at the end of the tunnel'. It's how YOU view it and cope with it that counts. And if you don't think it's something you'll be able to tolerate, then yes - I suggest you move on.

And by the way, there IS no shame in that.

How you are equipped to deal with situations such as this, is the way you're equipped. And that's perfectly OK.

You're not her nurse, doctor or therapist, and there is nothing anywhere that says you should be, or have any obligation to be.

March 1, 2015

her relationship with her mother isn't good, but with her father it's ok, she has an older brother that doesn't want anything to do with the family, hasn't talked to them in many years.

I want to thank everyone for the input, Sal, Badpenny and so on. very helpful

we are not together but talk once in awhile, I do love this woman, will let everyone know what happens down the road.

Thank You

Rob

March 2, 2015

Dating an Aquarius woman is so confusing sometimes, a lot of mixed signals, Im a cancer and I can't figure this woman out.
-she wants me with her, then she doesn't
-she wants space but gets upset if I don't contact her
-argues about stupid things
-doesn't want to commit, but says she loves me and Im the only one for her
-pushes me away when we spend a lot of time together

and so on

I'm just a simple guy and can't figure this **** out

Aquarius women comments?

any guy going through this?

Umm, because she is crazy and not because she is an Aquarius . . . Really, are we really trying to figure people out based on their astrological sign? Oh boy . . . .

And I am an aquarius and nothing like this. There are no game playing with me. I am to the point and very direct. Another type of taste entirely.

March 2, 2015

Hi Got it

if you read all the post , my ex GF has all the signs of BPD, and its not her sign at all, was just trying to figure everything out.

Thanks

Rob

March 2, 2015

Hi Got it
if you read all the post , my ex GF has all the signs of BPD, and its not her sign at all, was just trying to figure everything out.

Thanks
Rob

Here is how you will know if she has BPD:

A trained psychologist will see her IN PERSON and diagnose her.

Anything else, no matter how many TV shows watched or even how many degrees a stranger has is just speculation.

BTW, I know quite a few excellent psychologists/psychiatrists, and not ONE of them would attempt to diagnose someone over the internet secondhand. They would call it out as grossly unethical and irresponsible.

March 2, 2015

if you read all the post , my ex GF has all the signs of BPD

I know quite a few excellent psychologists/psychiatrists, and not ONE of them would attempt to diagnose someone over the internet secondhand.

No one is diagnosing- just observing correlations between the criteria and the behaviors. It doesn't matter whether she has an official diagnosis, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

March 2, 2015

I know quite a few excellent psychologists/psychiatrists, and not ONE of them would attempt to diagnose someone over the internet secondhand. They would call it out as grossly unethical and irresponsible.

Autumn, as Sal explains, nobody on this thread has attempted to diagnose anyone. You are confusing "spotting warning signs" for "making a diagnosis." There is a world of difference between those two actions. For example, although most adult women know how to identify the warning signs for breast cancer, they don't have sufficient training to be able to diagnose it. Likewise, most men know the warning signs for stroke and heart attack without having a clue as to how those disorders are diagnosed. Similarly, most adults are capable of spotting the warning signs for BPD if they take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

Before Rob (aka "disrespected") graduated high school, he already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. He could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. He could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And he could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, he will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur if he takes a little time to learn what traits are on the list. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," and verbal abuse.

March 2, 2015

As an Aquarian woman, your list does NOT describe me in the least and only confirm that those dime-store-birth-sign descriptions are nonsense at best.

And as already mentioned multiple times on here, this has nothing to do with her sign but rather some psychological issues she's having to deal with.

March 2, 2015

No one is diagnosing- just observing correlations between the criteria and the behaviors. It doesn't matter whether she has an official diagnosis, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

I got shaky at wal mart Saturday, I pee a lot, and I recently lost a lot of weight. I'll go down to the drugstore and get some insulin.....

She may have BPD. If she doesn't, and he decides she does based on the enthusiasm of strangers, he is going to miss the REAL solution to the problem.

To a hammer, everything is a nail

March 2, 2015

Hi Michelle Me Belle, yes your correct, she just shows the signs of BPD, I was confused when I originally posted

Rob

March 3, 2015

Here is how you will know if she has BPD:

A trained psychologist will see her IN PERSON and diagnose her.

Anything else, no matter how many TV shows watched or even how many degrees a stranger has is just speculation.

BTW, I know quite a few excellent psychologists/psychiatrists, and not ONE of them would attempt to diagnose someone over the internet secondhand. They would call it out as grossly unethical and irresponsible.

omg, at least there are some who have a voice of reason out there! Thank you, autumn. I couldn't agree with you more.

No one is diagnosing- just observing correlations between the criteria and the behaviors. It doesn't matter whether she has an official diagnosis, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

That's the problem! Most people here are not trained professionals. There are many things about the diagnosis that you just don't understand. So it doesn't look, swim, or quack like a duck because you don't fully understand what all goes into the diagnosis.

Please...this is not a personal attack. I'm just seeing this major trend on LS of assuming everyone is BPD. And instead of focusing on helping the OP better his life, the OP gets wrapped up in the blame-shifting behavior of a victim.

March 3, 2015

Very confused, it wasn't a good relationship now that I think about it with a clearer mindset ,I'm moving on with my life it will be much healthier for me, happier times ahead I'm sure.

thanks for everyones reply

Rob

March 3, 2015

That's the problem! Most people here are not trained professionals. There are many things about the diagnosis that you just don't understand. So it doesn't look, swim, or quack like a duck because you don't fully understand what all goes into the diagnosis.

Please...this is not a personal attack. I'm just seeing this major trend on LS of assuming everyone is BPD. And instead of focusing on helping the OP better his life, the OP gets wrapped up in the blame-shifting behavior of a victim.

You might be surprised at what knowledge and experience some members may have regarding this and other disorders. Why do you presume to dictate what topics are allowed or disallowed? You have no standing whatsoever to shut down the discussion.

And what is it about BPD that makes some females so queasy? If this were a discussion about a man with narcissistic traits or alcoholism there wouldn't be any objections––they'd all be piling on and telling her to leave his dysfunctional ass.

So, do you actually think that we should say nary a word, and leave the OP in the dark as to the implications... because it might not be, because we aren't licensed clinicians, or because you identify with it in some way?

Prevalence:

2 percent of the general population

10 percent of all mental health outpatients

20 percent of psychiatric inpatients

75 percent of those diagnosed are women

Edited March 3, 2015 by salparadise

March 3, 2015

You might be surprised at what knowledge and experience some members may have regarding this and other disorders. Why do you presume to dictate what topics are allowed or disallowed? You have no standing whatsoever to shut down the discussion.

I don’t see anyone shutting anyone down. I see people challenging the validity of and reasoning behind suggesting and focusing on BPD. Theories invite scrutiny and challenge.

Maybe this is all a modern Occam’s Razor argument.

The most useful statement of the principle for scientists is "when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better."

What is Occam's Razor?

And what is it about BPD that makes some females so queasy?

It’s not “queasiness” or about BPD. It’s pointing out logic and bases that undermine the suggestion of BPD or any PD. On an internet forum. On an unhappy S.O.'s report.

If this were a discussion about a man with narcissistic traits or alcoholism there wouldn't be any objections––they'd all be piling on and telling her to leave his dysfunctional ass.

Advising someone to break up because of behavior or discontent is different from suggesting that the S.O. has one particular PD and then, though admitting the invalidity of the analysis, going through an analysis based upon the biased report of a discontented partner (not a slur, all people are biased about partners and are affected by their own emotions). I don’t see anyone here saying, “OP, you should stay in this relationship.” I see some folks saying, “Don’t make a mental health determination in their way.”

So, do you actually think that we should say nary a word, and leave the OP in the dark as to the implications... because it might not be, because we aren't licensed clinicians, or because you identify with it in some way?

hmmmmm… kind of McCarthy-esque there.

I do identify with this process. I had an ex who insisted that I had BPD. 3 therapists and my friends and family said I was fine, was being gaslighted, and to just break up with him and go NC. And in a lovely twist of fate, he was later diagnosed bipolar 1 with psychotic elements after his law partners had him checked into a psych ward. While purely anecdotal, it’s a great story and the flip side of the BPD analysis suggestion: I was fine; he wasn’t. So, my personal experience is that sometimes people who label and pathologize have an agenda and are blind to themselves.

To go back to Occam and OP, there are non-pathological explanations for what OP reported, including that his exGF is a business owner with children who was busy, but flirting and pining for him, and was not ready to “commit” maybe because she has too much going on, is recently divorced, financial issues, not sure about OP, being averse to marriage, etc.

Prevalence:
2 percent of the general population
10 percent of all mental health outpatients
20 percent of psychiatric inpatients
75 percent of those diagnosed are women

Downtown recently offered different figures on another thread- one of the many problems with attempting to justify PD-diagnosis or PD-suggestion. But all of the numbers I’ve seen in support are low incidence, in my opinion (less than 50%), and therefore unlikely. (=Occam thing).

Anyway, OP broke up with her 5 days ago, which is great. Whether it’s because she has BPD, is an Aquarian, is a busy business owner with children, their moon signs oppose, or any other reason, it wasn’t working for him.

March 3, 2015

You might be surprised at what knowledge and experience some members may have regarding this and other disorders. Why do you presume to dictate what topics are allowed or disallowed? You have no standing whatsoever to shut down the discussion.

And what is it about BPD that makes some females so queasy? If this were a discussion about a man with narcissistic traits or alcoholism there wouldn't be any objections––they'd all be piling on and telling her to leave his dysfunctional ass.

So, do you actually think that we should say nary a word, and leave the OP in the dark as to the implications... because it might not be, because we aren't licensed clinicians, or because you identify with it in some way?

Prevalence:
2 percent of the general population
10 percent of all mental health outpatients
20 percent of psychiatric inpatients
75 percent of those diagnosed are women

Actually, when the FIRST thing or pretty much ONLY thing someone does is to pick out the OP's original post and say "have you considered (insert diagnosis here)?" It bugs me, whether it be narcissism, BPD, bipolar, ADD, ODD, etc etc

The reason is that most of us who are honest and human, when we have conflict with people, want to A) find some reason it is the other person's problem and/or B) find some reason said other person can't help it. A diagnosis is handy for those.

I can spout lots of stats. I have a pretty good education regarding psychology. And I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last month. I'm still not going to push someone I have never met to consider an illness in someone else I have also never met about whom I am getting information second or third hand. Like I said, I have lost a lot of weight recently, I pee a lot, I got shaky the last time I was at Wal Mart. No one here would suggest I go try to buy some insulin.

Edited to add: If someone here IS a psychiatrist or psychologist and is doing that, that is actually WORSE, if they have bothered to read their ethics book

March 3, 2015

I can spout lots of stats. I have a pretty good education regarding psychology. And I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last month. I'm still not going to push someone I have never met to consider an illness in someone else I have also never met about whom I am getting information second or third hand. Like I said, I have lost a lot of weight recently, I pee a lot, I got shaky the last time I was at Wal Mart. No one here would suggest I go try to buy some insulin.

Edited to add: If someone here IS a psychiatrist or psychologist and is doing that, that is actually WORSE, if they have bothered to read their ethics book

Yep. Personally stay away from the mental health threads unless it's layman, being a regular woman opinion only. Giving professional advice in this forum or any similar is a big no-no. Some do it but most won't. I won't. Leave the office at the office.

Some people just like to provide info, that's fine, but it must be stressed that it is not a professional diagnosis. Most people understand that but there will always be the random few that run too far with it. I prefer to err on the side of caution but that's because of what I do, no knocks to those trying to help.

March 3, 2015

I never took to heart what was said, but the information was helpful, all i know is I was in an abusive relationship and never realized it until I was out of the relationship, i suppose guys can be abused as well

Rob

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