Price2Play Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 You are young & naive. Consider this a true life lesson & NEVER EVER get back with an ex. PERIOD! Just when you thought you knew someone. The risk is never worth it, STDs, pregnancy! <---scary thought. A crazy guy she's been seeing that wants revenge!? Her behavoir is straight up toxic, thanks the heavens she is gone! Take care of yourself & no one else.
Author Sandrino Posted February 28, 2015 Author Posted February 28, 2015 You need to stop worrying about her ex. If she didn't pick him, you'd still be with her. So you can't question his actions when you yourself would have done the same thing. He's a doormat. You are a doormat. What difference does it make? You keep focusing on this because you can't stand that he is with her. You can't stand that she still has someone in her life and you're left with nothing. But you keep failing to realize that none of you have/had a prize on your hands. Have you blocked her? Zahara i would like to say, that every post i've ever had, you've been there to help and i appreciate that. Yes i have blocked her, on everything. And even if i didnt, he and her ex have blocked me from everything either way. The thing that kills me is like you said, she had someone lined up if things went bad with me, and i was with her and only wanted her. I feel like i should have had someone lined up after her, but im not like that. Makes me feel like i should always do that when in a relationship, because she did. But yeah, like you said, shes with him. She has company, while im stuck here dwelling on her. Which i shouldnt, but god dammit i cant stop it. I wish there was something to stop it but there isnt. I hope one day i find someone that will not do this to me. Because she was my first relationship. And it seems like i got the worst of the worst the first time around, and learned all about the things i should avoid. I need her to stay away from me. But she always comes back if **** hits the fan. ALWAYS. I thought last time, she would never talk to me again. But she did.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Plain and simple. Start thinking with your big head, not the little one. If you can do this then maybe you'll understand that her vagina will lose it's power hold over you and you can see her for who she really is.
barky2 Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 She dangled a carrot in front of your face to see if you'd bite. You did. Cut that string the carrot was on, and move on. People who do this to you, have no respect for you. You deserve to cut her off for good. Barky
No Limit Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 You met a psycho who wanted to have "revenge" on her ex or "punish" him or whatever she was telling herself. Avoid those.
Zahara Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 But she always comes back if **** hits the fan. ALWAYS. I thought last time, she would never talk to me again. But she did. And she will be back again when she needs attention and someone to pick her up when/if she's fallen. And the moment you accept her back, is the very moment you self-destruct again. Someone like her won't change. She'll only keep repeating the pattern. It's good that you have blocked her from everything. Grieve and try to heal from this. This is your first relationship but it's bestowed you a very valuable first lesson that's going to help you be better prepared for what's ahead of you. Stay away from relationships for awhile and focus on rebuilding yourself. If you've always had confidence issues, now is the time to get intouch from within and start making changes.
ballycastle Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Agree with what Zahara said. Allowing yourself to be treated like trash has NOTHING to do with love. To the contrary, it has everything to do with very low self-esteem, insecurity, neediness and feeling like you don't deserve better. In fact, you might not actually "love" her at all...because you can't truly love *someone else* UNLESS you love YOURSELF first... it's most likely infatuation mixed with some sort of a dependence like Zahara said. So work on loving yourself and raising your level of self-esteem.....perhaps with the help of a qualified therapist... and this type of thing won't happen and if it does...you won't tolerate it and leave. It's gonna take time for you to get there...so good luck and ((hugs)). I am all these things, needy, insecure and with low self esteem. Question is has anyone overcome this? We are only as needy as our unmet needs. More simply put if we meet someone who treats us with love and respect and wants to commit to us then these traits will not surface. We have to match with the right people. That isn't to say I'm not going to work on my issues though to the point of never dating again and trying to have a healthier relationship with myself
Author Sandrino Posted March 1, 2015 Author Posted March 1, 2015 And she will be back again when she needs attention and someone to pick her up when/if she's fallen. And the moment you accept her back, is the very moment you self-destruct again. Someone like her won't change. She'll only keep repeating the pattern. It's good that you have blocked her from everything. Grieve and try to heal from this. This is your first relationship but it's bestowed you a very valuable first lesson that's going to help you be better prepared for what's ahead of you. Stay away from relationships for awhile and focus on rebuilding yourself. If you've always had confidence issues, now is the time to get intouch from within and start making changes. I just feel like she won, and im the one paying for it, and trying to heal myself. She has someone else to keep her company for the meantime, and im alone. Makes me feel like i should be a different person, a meaner person, so i can avoid these situations. But, sadly thats not how i was raised. I dont know what to do anymore.
Tetley Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 I am all these things, needy, insecure and with low self esteem. Question is has anyone overcome this? We are only as needy as our unmet needs. More simply put if we meet someone who treats us with love and respect and wants to commit to us then these traits will not surface. We have to match with the right people. That isn't to say I'm not going to work on my issues though to the point of never dating again and trying to have a healthier relationship with myself Yes I managed to overcome low self esteem and a lack of self confidence. The key is in plain sight: SELF-respect / SELF-confidence / SELF-esteem. I used to feel that I was low value. I wasn't happy with my looks and was a bit of a geek. As a result my self-confidence was very low. I was super needed with girlfriends and basically settled for anyone who would have me. Often girls who weren't right for me. You're right in saying when you are attached you're security issues seem to disappear - you feel accepted. This however is an illusion! The problems aren't gone - they're just deferred... It wasn't until I suffered a soul crushing toxic relationship - the worst of my life - I realised my personality issues were never going to be solved by someone else. I had to fix it...and I did. My life is transformed. I'm really happy with my relationships. I make much better descisons with the girls I meet. People respect me alot more. It's all upside It takes a lot of work. Re-mapping the way you interact with all people, not just girls. Setting boundaries, and as a poster above put it, thinking with the big head not the little one. But number one starting point is: Love and accept yourself. Everything else will follow.
Author Sandrino Posted March 2, 2015 Author Posted March 2, 2015 Yes I managed to overcome low self esteem and a lack of self confidence. The key is in plain sight: SELF-respect / SELF-confidence / SELF-esteem. I used to feel that I was low value. I wasn't happy with my looks and was a bit of a geek. As a result my self-confidence was very low. I was super needed with girlfriends and basically settled for anyone who would have me. Often girls who weren't right for me. You're right in saying when you are attached you're security issues seem to disappear - you feel accepted. This however is an illusion! The problems aren't gone - they're just deferred... It wasn't until I suffered a soul crushing toxic relationship - the worst of my life - I realised my personality issues were never going to be solved by someone else. I had to fix it...and I did. My life is transformed. I'm really happy with my relationships. I make much better descisons with the girls I meet. People respect me alot more. It's all upside It takes a lot of work. Re-mapping the way you interact with all people, not just girls. Setting boundaries, and as a poster above put it, thinking with the big head not the little one. But number one starting point is: Love and accept yourself. Everything else will follow. I have an issue with this and i need to find ways to overcome it. Especially in my situation.
Author Sandrino Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 Still would like some opinions. How do i gain back my old self? I'm a completely different person after what she has done. Its effecting my family, and everything else. I've been told to try counseling, but id feel pathetic if i did that. Because shes out moving on with life, and i need counselling over what she did? She would just laugh.. I'm pretty pathetic.
Mi7522 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Still would like some opinions. How do i gain back my old self? I'm a completely different person after what she has done. Its effecting my family, and everything else. I've been told to try counseling, but id feel pathetic if i did that. Because shes out moving on with life, and i need counselling over what she did? She would just laugh.. I'm pretty pathetic. You're too busy worrying about what she thinks instead of worrying about what you want out of life. Counselling doesn't mean you're pathetic, if anything it shows that you realize that you want to be a better person not only for yourself but whoever gets the opportunity to be your partner.
Author Sandrino Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 You're too busy worrying about what she thinks instead of worrying about what you want out of life. Counselling doesn't mean you're pathetic, if anything it shows that you realize that you want to be a better person not only for yourself but whoever gets the opportunity to be your partner. I cant fathom the fact that she had someone lined up and ready to go date, after me. While, i am alone and have nobody. The worst feeling in the world is being alone knowing the one you love is with someone else. Its such a terrible feeling.
Mi7522 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I cant fathom the fact that she had someone lined up and ready to go date, after me. While, i am alone and have nobody. The worst feeling in the world is being alone knowing the one you love is with someone else. Its such a terrible feeling. Love yourself first and everything else will fall into place
Emma1234 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) Hey, just to let you know I know exactly what you're going through, the exact same thing happened to me except over a longer period of time. We broke up because he moved countries and 'wasn't over his ex', 3 months later he comes begging for me back, crying, showering me with attention, love, promises. Then 3 months later again I say I'm not comfortable with how much he's talking to his ex despite his reassurance, ask for him to tell her about us and he goes mental, says things to me I didn't think would ever come from his mouth, shouted, insulted, he just treated me the worst anyone ever has. And then he told his ex he was going back to her in front of me. I've blocked them and so I have no idea if it'll work between them and I'm trying my best not to care. Maybe it's true that we fell for these people because we have low self esteem but it sure felt like love to me, I just cared about him, wanted to make him happy like no one I've ever met but he walked all over me. This is so hard, I completely understand, not only do you have to deal with the fact you've broken up, we automatically know they have feelings for someone else, and we have to skip straight to the acceptance stage because we know we can never let someone thing damaged and toxic back into our lives. Because I've been through a break up with a good man before I know this feeling fades, personally I think mine may take a good 6 months to a year at least and that sucks because I don't want to feel like this anymore but I promise you it will fade. In my last break up I wasted 5 months being a mess, not getting out of bed and that prolonged it, you have to PUSH yourself. People say to do all the things that raise self esteem such as the gym, eating right, picking up a new hobby, learning, dating, focusing on you and I completely agree. But for the first few days just give yourself time to mourn and feel the loss and the pain, take it slow, watch some good films and treat yourself to whatever food you. Then after a few days say ok, I can do this, and take one day at a time, pushing yourself to do things for you, even if it's just 'today I will run round the block once' or 'today I will call that friend I haven't spoken to in a while', after maybe a month (remember you can still have sad days) start looking towards future plans a little, have you ever wanted to travel anywhere? This gives you a little bit of hope and excitement, but doing it too soon will hurt. Don't contact her or look at anything, if it's any comfort you can be friends in the future (but by then you'll have moved on with a beautiful lady on your arm as well as many memories and experiences you were able to have because you weren't with the toxic girl), and just to let you know (not to give you hope) she'll come back or want to come back at some point, these sort of people always do, they want what they can't have so you be that self respecting guy that looks at her with pity for the life she has which she's going to ruin by hurting people because she can't love herself. When I was on the way back from my relationship ending I had a 4 hour plane journey and I didn't know how to deal with it, 4 hours of thinking. But when I started crying this beautiful 24 year old lady sat next to me gave me tissues, got us chocolate to share and then said we can talk if you want. I told her everything and she was like an angel telling me of her own experience in a toxic relationship and how she got out of it and has now been with the love of her life for 5 years. She gave me psychological advice, philosophical advice. But one thing that stuck was: we are all carrying a bag in this life and sometimes we put things in the bag that are too heavy for us to carry and they hurt us, sometimes we need to take out the heavy thing and leave it behind to make room for other things. Stay strong, you'll look back at this one day and think what a lucky escape, I know right now it doesnt feel like that and the memories hurt and the rejection hurts but all of this will be worth it when you move on and your life gets better than it ever could have been with her. Think of it as a lesson. Get counselling, if you think it makes you weak don't tell anyone (although you could say you feel weak to your counsellor).. I got counselling last time and I will get it again this time because it helps. Even if you just go every week it's a mark that you've got through another week every time you're in that room. Gratitude helps as well, write a list of everything you're grateful for at the end of each day and you'll be happier automatically. It's all about changing your mindset from victim to strong, and by focusing on things you're grateful for (and it'll be hard, it's easier to wallow) your mindset will slowly change and you'll get through this, I promise, but for now give yourself a few days to eat/watch film/do whatever you enjoy, and just trust me when I say one day you'll realise you don't even want her. Edited March 7, 2015 by Emma1234
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