K and I

[ivionthenet]

I have met this guy K at one of my friends party last year. We were both train wrecked from the breakup of our long term relationships. I could feel that there was mutual attraction, but we just didn't act on it.

 

Since then I had some short lived romances which ended badly due to me being immature and having the wrong kind of attitude towards myself and men, and what a relationship should be. Those experiences were painful of course, but I admit very necessary to grow and learn and become the person I am today.

 

Here is what I am looking for: I see a relationship as a companionship of two people, that is based on true love. Love that is beyond needing a partner to complete one's life. Love that is not based on expectations, but acceptance. So if I am going to be with someone, that will be because they are amazing and they make my life more beautiful with their presence. It is very hard to explain how this is different from any love based needs or wants I have had before. It is just a shift in attitude towards men and I feel it to be very positive and empowering.

 

So, I lived a very reclusive life in the past two years. Working lots.

 

I just decided it's time to open up and meet more people so I went out to a pub and bumped into K. I was waiting for the next gig to get on stage and he half danced half walked into the room, and I though WOW! He seems so free and happy and sexy and cool. So I hoped to talk to him, but wasn't going to go over. So I just observed him now and then talking to friends and being surrounded by girls too. Thing is, about half and hour later he walked past me and I took the chance and said hi to him.

I changed my hairstyle and at first he did't recognise me but he was very open and friendly and moved closer to start chatting to me anyway and when I gave him the context of how me met he clicked and remembered me (and commented on my hairstyle). We had a briefish conversation, and after that he kept giving me a smile whenever we walked past and danced a bit and that was two weeks ago.

 

In the meantime I spoke to my friend and told her I am kind of interested in K and she told me that he is the best friend of her husband and that K is very fun and reliable and smart and has a great job he loves and he has been single for a while now after his LTR broke down. So I though cool, this guy sounds great.

 

there is a festival in town that a friend organised both K and I know and I knew he would be there so I bought the tickets and went last night to the opening. I bumped into a friend...a guy I recently met through work and he just wouldn't stop chatting to me he is really sweet and he is into an other girl so it's all good, so we just talked at the bar and I noticed K not far from me talking to a girl. I though oh no, they might be on a date...but then she moved on and K moved into my sight at the bar behind the chatty guy who was entertaining me and I smiled at him and he came over to me. We had a chat but were also silent as the music started and he stayed next to me for a long time and then we drifted apart and ended up dancing next to each other again. I could feel him looking at me many times and I can sense that he is interested in me.

 

I said goodbye to him and other friends as I left and we said see you in the next few days (we all had a festival pass).

 

So this is my first post on this, what I am hoping is, that I will have an update after the weekend and would like to share my experience of getting to know this person. I don't want to make the mistakes I have made with men before and I feel that if I keep a written account on my actions it will be easier for me to keep track and because I really appreciate and like the honesty and openness of this forum I will share the progress...I just hope there will be one.

 

Thing is, my plan is to go really really slowly. I don't have any preconceived ideas about what that means numerically like kiss on date 3 or 10 and have sex on date 5 or 25(that would be a hard one haha) I just know that I want to kiss him only if I feel that he is falling for me and make love to him only when I feel that he is in love with me. Vice versa of course.

I want all the labels such as exclusivity along the way, I want to be asked to be a girlfriend and I want to be treated very well, because I have so much to offer and I am so over bull****, and anyone giving me a hard time will be out the door in a flash. I want to find the person I could see myself growing old with. I am prepared to invest the time to get to know him to make sure I am not living in a disillusioned dream.

[Buddhist]

I see a relationship as a companionship of two people, that is based on true love. Love that is beyond needing a partner to complete one's life. Love that is not based on expectations, but acceptance. So if I am going to be with someone, that will be because they are amazing and they make my life more beautiful with their presence. It is just a shift in attitude towards men and I feel it to be very positive and empowering.

 

I am prepared to invest the time to get to know him to make sure I am not living in a disillusioned dream.

 

It's awesome you've reached this conclusion. Now for the reality. Very few people ever get that far in their definition of relationships. Many, many people are happy in conditional love relationships in which they trade off certain aspects in order to appease and manipulate the behaviour of their partner.

 

Guys seem to get stuck in the mindset that love is nothing more than a way to procure sex on a regular and permanent basis, more often than females. There are middle aged guys on here still telegraphing this in various words and forms.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, don't bet that K is going to be that person. The odds on that aren't great but yes go there with the best intentions and expectations in hopes that he is. Good luck....

[ivionthenet]

It's awesome you've reached this conclusion. Now for the reality. Very few people ever get that far in their definition of relationships. Many, many people are happy in conditional love relationships in which they trade off certain aspects in order to appease and manipulate the behaviour of their partner.

 

True right? This seems to be the norm. Or they fall in love like there is no tomorrow and when they don't fulfil each other's expectations, they start hating each other. Or else its like a transaction of: You have everything I got on my list, I have everything you got on your list I want to settle, you want to settle, I want kids you want kids, I work you work, lets do it together. And then people wonder when someone walks into their lives of total boredom and no sex 20 years down the line and their entire life falls apart.

 

Guys seem to get stuck in the mindset that love is nothing more than a way to procure sex on a regular and permanent basis, more often than females. There are middle aged guys on here still telegraphing this in various words and forms.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, don't bet that K is going to be that person. The odds on that aren't great but yes go there with the best intentions and expectations in hopes that he is.

 

Which is why it is so necessary to take the time, because in todays age it is just so hard to find the decent girls and boys in the crowd. I am optimistic and positive but also alert and cool.

 

Good luck...

 

thanks:-) I am excited to have you guys on this journey with me

[ivionthenet]

Well, I have gone out and he was at the party.

Every time I glanced over he was surrounded by girls, and he didn't approach me at all all night. Once he walked past on his way out and said to me he will be back. When I was leaving he was chatting to an other guy and I said hi to them he introduced us, and they just continued their conversation like I was thin air. Which I have found quite rude. Most people at the party knew each other and it is quite normal to just go up to someone and have a chat.

Anyway it is clear as day that he is not into me at all.

 

Yep, this is what happened. Here is to my long term plan of taking it slow with K.

Jeez, I do this every time. I just don't know how to keep it cool.

 

I was approached by three other guys, but I didn't like them much and have spent some great times with friends, so I had a good night.

 

Point is that I personally no matter how much I tried not to, still built up an expectation and now I feel rejected and disappointed. It's silly, but I do.