elvinchild Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I've been dating someone new who I met about 2 months ago. He has a lot of great qualities, but in the past couple weeks some concerns have been popping up for me and I'm not sure if they're red flags or things that we can work through. Right now, my feelings tell me I want to walk away because I felt happier on my own and I've been happier with partners in the past. But I know relationships aren't always butterflies and rainbows, and logically speaking it could just be something I need to give time and effort. Either way I wanted to get some outside perspective, so here are some of my concerns. We seem to have a different set of priorities in life. I am completely engrossed in my vocation and education, and it's important for me to be an active participant in the community. These are things that I count as a part of the package deal of myself and it's something I'd like to share with my partner. Initially I got the impression that he was similar, but now it seems like he wants to drop all of his responsibilities and expects me to drop mine to make time for a more traditional relationship. I completely understand his needs, but I'm worried it'll continue to be a source of conflict. That in itself is something I think we might be able to work out, but linked to that is the fact that he seems quite possessive. It feels like everything was very rushed and that he wants almost no space between us: He's asked for my facebook password, location services enabled on my phone so he knows where I am, shared calendars so he knows my schedule. He's offered my large amounts of money and asked me to move in so that I will stop working so much and make more time for him. I don't like going out in public with him because he gets so jealous when I spend time talking to other friends that it spoils his night. I feel a lot of pressure from him - he admits that he almost always gets what he wants and is good at talking people into things. This has come up in terms of talking me out of working and also in our sex life. I was sexually abused at a young age and like to take things slow with physical intimacy. Though I've shared this with him, he consistently pressures me in bed to do things I'm not comfortable with and when I refuse he just winds up miserable. I feel like I won't be able to give him what he needs. He's into BDSM and role play, which is a huge turn off for me because it reminds me of my abuse and I prefer a more spiritual approach to lovemaking. It's also become apparent that we have different conflict resolution styles; he tends to cut people out of his life when things go wrong, even family members, whereas I tend to be forgiving and try to keep the peace. He has nothing nice to say about his exes - according to him, they were all "crazy bitches." In terms of discipline (children, pets), he tends to be more forceful and physical whereas I prefer positive reinforcement. He has asked me to hit him and hits himself when he feels he's done something wrong; I'm not sure if it's some sort of turn on for him or a self-destructive habit. There are a few other things that irk me a little, like his involvement with weed, alcohol, and occasional use of heavy drugs. He goes away a few times a year to work at some sort of electronica party/festival where drugs and nudity abound, and although it's not a deal breaker for me it is a little uncomfortable to think about. He mentioned one story in his past in which one of his best friends passed away, and he organized a "benefit" concert in his honor - except that most of the money went to him, which he spent on hard drugs. I know people can change, but I worry how that might reflect on his character. This post is heavily weighted with the potential "red flags" I've been worrying about, but he has a lot of wonderful qualities too. Both of us seem invested in self-growth and are trying to compromise and meet in the middle. He seems like a great guy in many ways and I'd feel guilty walking away; he's intelligent, hard working, creative, and wise. But I've had a hard time shaking my gut feeling that it's just not the right relationship for me, or that right now maybe I'd rather just be alone. Any thoughts would be appreciated!
trippi1432 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Sweetie, look at everything you have written here. You feel these things because he is crossing your boundaries, if that is already uncomfortable to you, another day, month or year...turns into a lot of uncomfortable and unhappy years. My advice, you have only invested 2 months....if it's not good after 2 months and you are having this many doubts, it's time to end the relationship. A man who has your similar values will treat you better...just be authentic and be positive as you attract people by the vibes you put out. 5
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 He's asked for my facebook password, location services enabled on my phone so he knows where I am, shared calendars so he knows my schedule. He's offered my large amounts of money and asked me to move in so that I will stop working so much and make more time for him. I don't like going out in public with him because he gets so jealous when I spend time talking to other friends that it spoils his night. These are typical red flags that you are dealing with a jealous, possessive and abusive man. The man that will ask me to enable my location service on my phone + any of my passwords isn't born yet. You are a smart woman, you know better than this right? You know the difference between a read flag and a simple personality issue. This man is walking around with a big red flashy neon on his head. End it. 5
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 I have lost sight of you, there are so many red flags waving here, I can't see you anymore. RUN as fast as your little legs will carry you. 4
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 But I've had a hard time shaking my gut feeling that it's just not the right relationship for me, or that right now maybe I'd rather just be alone. Any thoughts would be appreciated! The above says it all!! 2
Buddhist Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Well gee, he sounds like a real catch. Let me summarise.... - Expects you to cut all contact from your former life and have him the centre of your universe. - Expects to be able to invade your privacy any time he wants. - Expects you to adopt his sexual practices no questions asked even though they are known fetishes, not normal sexual practice and you have concerns. - Is pushing the relationship forward faster than you want and has no desire to acknowledge your concerns. You know, even psychopaths have charming qualities, if they didn't they couldn't function in society and screw people over. I'm not seeing a lot to love here, and I'm seeing a lot to be concerned about, really. 5
fitnessfan365 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 You should have dumped him the second he asked for your Facebook password. Lloyd Dobbler may seem charming holding a boom box over his head outside a girl's window in fantasy land, but this is the type of guy who turns into a real life stalker. 2
Satu Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 RUN. Then delete, block, ignore. Don't delay. 1
writergal Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 I think red flags aren't things that you work through at all, but things that you HEED IMMEDIATELY. When a red flag pops up - you don't suddenly compromise all of your values etc., to fix the situation. You turn and walk away from the person, and from the situation for your own safety and well being. Just like with traffic stops. Red = stop. Yellow = slow down. Green = go. I don't get a green feeling about your boyfriend at all. Just lotsa red. You've listed quite a few red flags around your boyfriend, elvinchild. It sounds like a case of oil and water, for you both compatibility-wise. You just don't mix. Different priorities in life, is a HUGE red flag. His use of weed, drugs, and alcohol are three more red flags not be ignored. What good qualities could he possibly have, that would justify you staying with him? Doesn't seem like you've really discussed those. There's a reason why. I agree with, "Run, Forest! Run!" 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 He is bad news and you know it. Time to move on. Keep your standards high. 2
Gary S Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 All I had to read is the first paragraph to see where this is heading. You have not been together long enough to be seeing problems, if it were going to be a happy and healthy relationship. At two months, you should be going into your honeymoon phase of the relationship. Instead, you are complaining like you have been married for ten years. If it's this bad now, imagine what it would be like down the road if you married this guy. 2
GemmaUK Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) Just run. Those are all glaring bright huge red flags. There is nothing you can work through here. Edited to add: Go get yourself a book titled Toads and The Women Who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri. Read it. Learn about these kind of men. It's a brilliant book and will explain all of his behaviour to you. You man is in there, as my ex was. Your man's behaviour (except for the drugs) is almost exactly how my ex of 7 months was. Edited February 27, 2015 by GemmaUK 1
losangelena Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Initially I got the impression that he was similar, but now it seems like he wants to drop all of his responsibilities and expects me to drop mine to make time for a more traditional relationship. So he intentionally misled you. Red flag number one. He's asked for my facebook password, location services enabled on my phone so he knows where I am, shared calendars so he knows my schedule. He's offered my large amounts of money and asked me to move in so that I will stop working so much and make more time for him. I don't like going out in public with him because he gets so jealous when I spend time talking to other friends that it spoils his night. Umm, what in the actual f*ck?? He thinks he's well within his rights to ask for those things? After two months? (If ever???) And poor him, with you spoiling his night as you deign to speak to other people. he admits that he almost always gets what he wants and is good at talking people into things. I know a man like this. He's a narcissist and a sociopath. I've shared this with him, he consistently pressures me in bed to do things I'm not comfortable with and when I refuse he just winds up miserable. Again, boo-f*cking-hoo, guy. You make him so miserable. This guy sounds like an a** he tends to cut people out of his life when things go wrong, even family members, whereas I tend to be forgiving and try to keep the peace. He has nothing nice to say about his exes - according to him, they were all "crazy bitches." Of course he does; of course they are. Men like this, nothing is ever their fault. It's always the other person that's the problem. There are a few other things that irk me a little, like his involvement with weed, alcohol, and occasional use of heavy drugs. NOPE He mentioned one story in his past in which one of his best friends passed away, and he organized a "benefit" concert in his honor - except that most of the money went to him, which he spent on hard drugs. I know people can change, but I worry how that might reflect on his character Honey, men like this do not change. The fact that he felt like it was OK to tell you that story is a red flag—I'm sure he didn't see anything wrong with that behavior, either. Did he feel any shame/guilt/remorse over his actions? I bet not. He seems like a great guy in many ways and I'd feel guilty walking away; he's intelligent, hard working, creative, and wise. But I've had a hard time shaking my gut feeling that it's just not the right relationship for me, or that right now maybe I'd rather just be alone. Any thoughts would be appreciated! Of course he seems like a great guy. I'm sure he's highly intelligent, well-educated, has high earning potential (if he is not already financially successful), can talk to almost anyone, is very charming, probably good-looking, etc. I will not spend time outlining my experience with a man who sounds similar. I'll only say that I was relieved to be rid of him after a two-year roller coaster ride. Do yourself and your self esteem a favor and walk away now. Sure, he'll label you a crazy bitch, but at least you'll have your dignity intact.
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