MissLilly Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I won't describe so much my background because the thread is going to be too long, but I have a few other threads explaining my relationship and myself a bit so if you wanna check out feel free. Anyways, another big fight this week. I left in 2013 an abusive relationship (physical and verbal) and I had no time to heal when i met my now ex boyfriend. I was a rebound to himself as well, but we grew a very strong bond of love and passion and couldn't be apart, even it being a LDR. Ok, I was a bit quiet the whole week for two reasons, because I am solving a few things to travel overseas plus something happened this week that triggered my past memories of abuse. My bf asked why i was distant, and since we agreed in being very honest with each other about anything, since the beginning, and also i listen more to him complaining about life, job, friends, family, all the time and rarely speak of myself (i tend to don't want to bother people), i thought i could confide i had past memories of the abuse coming back, and that he didn't need to worry because they would go away soon. I didn't understand but he made this confession about himself. Asked me if i still loved him (???) and this made me a bit annoyed, and I told him so... "what this has to do with what I just told you?" He went to bed, and I felt guilty for telling him the truth, and apologized because maybe the subject was too personal for myself and it was maybe a burden he didn't need to. Next day he didn't say a word about anything, he was cold and in a rush, so he spoke short words and since it was his day off he was going out. Late night I called and he was drunk with a friend who never gives a damn about him... only when this friend can get something in return, being drinks, money and etc. He talked so bad about this guy before and there was him... ok, no problem at all. I got a bit pissed on the phone and he started screaming at me. Calling me a liar, a fake, and other things. I didn't take it and hung up the phone. Later on he called my house i dunno 5 times to scream at me on the phone, and said i was a dirty W., a piece of sh%t, that i didn't deserve the air i breath, plus a lot of other lovely things, even suggesting I don't love my own family nor they love me at all. I didn't reply til the very end when I cursed at him too that I was done and that he was an useless bastard. Later on he messaged me crying, saying he was depressed, asking if the relationship ended for real and i said yes. We didn't talk at all since then but today I got the anger, big one, for being treated so badly and unfairly. I politely left a message explaining how he made me feel; that I was always there for him when he needed but when I needed he left me alone and instead gave me a very bad treatment and wished him happiness in life with whatever he does. I am wrong in here? Am I overreacting? WHY i still feel guilty, why? I'm telling my side of all this I know and he can't come here and tell his one but the guilt consumes me right now and I feel damn bad. I loved this guy so much 1
badpenny Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Drunken name-calling is a deal-breaker. Go No Contact, completely. Move on, the guy disrespects you, he gets no rights for a second chance. 1
Author MissLilly Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) I know the past 5 years were pretty bad. I'm not making therapy properly, but i'm taking 2 different kinds of meds for depression and anxiety, things i felt became much worse last december when he tried to commit suicide. I'm writing cuz it makes me feel a bit better in understanding my feelings; i know i tried a lot of stuff since last december. I gave up a few boundaries i've had; I started to get quiet if something annoyed me, EVERYTHING to avoid any fight because i'm so very tired of them. SO TIRED. They consume all my thoughts, energy, happy moments. My bf is a very very jealous man. The kind that keeps a leash on a woman, like old men, but then he does things he would never accept me to do, aka. go to bars, drink til pass out... this is something i had to give up in order to not fight, allow him to do it, but i feel inside deeply consumed by it and i felt i just couldn't. I'm also afraid because he is an ex alcoholic, and i'm scared in marrying someone that can comes back to addiction. I'm damn afraid of marrying him and spend nights alone at home, without family or friends around. But at the same time I love him. Is something strong I can't control. I tried to revisit ANYTHING BAD i can have inside and i didn't admit any imperfection on myself anymore in order for this relationship works. When we fight I always feel guilty. Of everything, everything. I think (and this is ME thinking, for real) I have no rights of being annoyed, at ANYTHING. I live in constant fear of something bad happening, in constant doubt, in constant inner questioning. I feel just pretty messed up. Edited February 26, 2015 by MissLilly
ZiggyZoo Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I know the past 5 years were pretty bad. I'm not making therapy properly, but i'm taking 2 different kinds of meds for depression and anxiety, things i felt became much worse last december when he tried to commit suicide. I'm writing cuz it makes me feel a bit better in understanding my feelings; i know i tried a lot of stuff since last december. I gave up a few boundaries i've had; I started to get quiet if something annoyed me, EVERYTHING to avoid any fight because i'm so very tired of them. SO TIRED. They consume all my thoughts, energy, happy moments. My bf is a very very jealous man. The kind that keeps a leash on a woman, like old men, but then he does things he would never accept me to do, aka. go to bars, drink til pass out... this is something i had to give up in order to not fight, allow him to do it, but i feel inside deeply consumed by it and i felt i just couldn't. I'm also afraid because he is an ex alcoholic, and i'm scared in marrying someone that can comes back to addiction. I'm damn afraid of marrying him and spend nights alone at home, without family or friends around. But at the same time I love him. Is something strong I can't control. I tried to revisit ANYTHING BAD i can have inside and i didn't admit any imperfection on myself anymore in order for this relationship works. When we fight I always feel guilty. Of everything, everything. I think (and this is ME thinking, for real) I have no rights of being annoyed, at ANYTHING. I live in constant fear of something bad happening, in constant doubt, in constant inner questioning. I feel just pretty messed up. RUUUN RUN RUN RUN! The best thing you did for yourself (aside from leaving your first abusive relationship) is leaving this abusive relationship. And the best thing you can continue to do it to stay away from him. Re-read what you wrote here, and imagine what you would say to a friend if she was describing this as her relationship. You may be in love with him, but just about everybody posting on here is in the process of falling out of love with someone themselves. It is entirely possible. I don't even know where to start to tell you how much more you deserve than what you're in now. I'm glad you got angry. Stick with that rather than the misplaced guilt for sticking up for yourself. Cut him off, go NC, move on. 2
Author MissLilly Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 I know how things come in waves... i'm so aware of the feelings. Last nite i reached him to ask to send me a few stuff of mine and we entered in a huge argument. He accuses me of having other men... oh geez. I asked him to PROVE because i left friends, even female ones, family members behind to dedicated myself just to him. Even my mom got caught inside this thing last night. I had a truly scary nervous breakdown. He said to my mom I was a cheater and I never cheated on him!!! NEVER, I never cheated on anyone in my life. I got truly bad and was wishing to kill myself, omg, i feel so ashamed because all my family, uncle, aunt, a lot of cousins came here because my mom and my brother couldn't control me. I can't stand being accused of cheating when i didn't!! Today I already cried a lot but the anger came back. It comes and goes... but i'm no contact from now and on.
Author MissLilly Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 He also accused me of being treating my depression in a way of attacking him!!! That being CALM by the medicine i'm taking was done by purpose to hurt him... can you believe this? I faced many things in life, many... but this one is brand new to me
Stercrazy Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 That's called projection......I think he's some what depressed and taking it out on you.
badpenny Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 That's not projection, that's domineering, bullying, controlling obsessive narcissism. Look, I know you must be feeling extremely low right now, but honestly, for your own good, for your own sanity, you have to block yourself off from him entirely, and prevent in any way possible, his being able to reach you, see you, talk to you or affect you. get your family to co-operate and cut him out of your life.... It will be painful at first, no doubt about it - but you need relief from his influence. And you need it now. Immediately, and totally.
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