Stercrazy Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I think this is a good exercise because often we focus on the other half instead of looking how we contributed to the break up. No one is perfect. About Me: I need to invest more emotionally and be more mindful of her needs. I held back due to divorce and although I wanted to show her more how I cared...I couldn't and didn't.
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 sadly I have to re-learn it every time but I learned that heart break is not fatal & I will get through it. From other break ups I have learned not to be clingy,that's it's OK for me to have standards,that it's OK for me to not like clingy guys,that the vicious cycle of break up & make up is dumb & inhibits true forward progressthat I shouldn't make assumptions about other people's motivesthat there are some men who only want one thingto listen to my gutthat I am not defined by who I date 1
MWood Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I'd say the following: Not to hold back quite so much for fear of failing Having standards and keeping true to myself is a good thing Realise that the above is not a view shared by everybody Realise also that being picky is sometime counterproductive. I'm sure there is much learning still to come, but it won't put me off!
Author Stercrazy Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I have also learned that I need to listen more and talk less sometimes and that I don't always have to fix her problems.....just listen. 1
rollercoaster11 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 To love myself first and foremost and by doing that it will help me to not to be insecure and always available. I will not wait for anyone to call me but will go out with friends or family more or enjoy my own company. I will live my life to the fullest because life is too precious and short. 1
sabd Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I've learned that I need to be more careful - to reserve my trust for those who've earned it and to not love blindly but to pay attention to behaviour and potential red flags. He pulled a real dirty on me and there's absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent it but had my eyes been more open I might possibly have seen through his lies and been more prepared for his poor behaviour. On the flipside, I've learned that I am not defined by a relationship (or a breakup), there's nothing wrong with me (I'm awesome) and I deserve someone who's emotionally mature, unafraid of commitment and treats me with respect and kindness. 2
Author Stercrazy Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 After journaling for few days I learned I DESERVE BETTER! 2
ZiggyZoo Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I learned from my first big, bad break-up that I could survive something so terrible. It has given me courage to try again with other people, because I know that I can get through it if it goes south. Not fun, but I can do it. Also: -Not to take the relationship for granted. -Communicate when the problem's still not a deal breaker. Don't be afraid to hurt my partner's feelings if it means that we won't split in the end because of whatever the issue is. -DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS!!!!! -Don't settle 1
mightycpa Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Along with many of the things already mentioned, I learned that whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter why, because I wasn't a terrible person, but I do make mistakes, and that will never change. I wanted a relationship that could survive me being me. Oh yeah, and I also figured out that it isn't about trust at all. People's feelings can change overnight, and when they do, you're done. It isn't about trust, it is about willingness to take a risk. The other thing I learned was I needed to have a speech prepared in case I ever got dumped again. It actually came in handy a couple of times, and turned the tables just long enough for me to get out of there. 3
NC-Thomas Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) Along with many of the things already mentioned, I learned that whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter why, because I wasn't a terrible person, but I do make mistakes, and that will never change. I wanted a relationship that could survive me being me. Oh yeah, and I also figured out that it isn't about trust at all. People's feelings can change overnight, and when they do, you're done. It isn't about trust, it is about willingness to take a risk. The other thing I learned was I needed to have a speech prepared in case I ever got dumped again. It actually came in handy a couple of times, and turned the tables just long enough for me to get out of there. What kind speech do you mean? Would you have standard answers or things you would say? I think its always good to have something in case of the worst... but sometimes things just come as a surprise... And when the other party is done, there is virtually nothing you can say or do that will change his or her mind, so why even bother? What i've learned after my total of relationship 3/4 breakups: 1. Do not point fingers, its useless. Be polite and don't let your feelings control you (too much). 2. Respect your partners decision, even when you disagree. 3. Don't be needy or clingy. Don't ever beg. You don't NEED somebody in your life, because you are good as you are alone. 4. Don't be a total dick but always do for whats best for you in the end. 5. Stop hanging around, be a ghost, grab your balls and don't look back. Edited February 26, 2015 by NC-Thomas 1
mightycpa Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 What kind speech do you mean? Would you have standard answers or things you would say? I composed a generic, standard speech and I gave it as soon as they announced the breakup. The point of the speech was to cut off the conversation and be get me out of the before my emotions would overwhelm me, and so that I could go cry in my car alone, out of sight. I never needed to have a long conversation about things, and I never went back for more rejection. I sure as hell didn't want to talk about it. Both times I gave that speech, I got the sense that I robbed my dumpers of some satisfaction because I gave the impression that I was more than willing to go along with the breakup without discussion and without any resistance; almost like I had expected it. I was out of there before they knew what hit them, and both times, there was a look of confusion on their faces. Small victories, you know? I didn't allow them to have their say, and that was satisfying to me. I haven't used that speech in a long, long time, but as I recall, it went something like this: Oh, Matilda, I was wondering when this day was going to come. I knew it couldn't last forever, but I wasn't willing to pull the trigger myself. I just want to say that I enjoyed my time with you, and while things between us weren't perfect, I think that overall it was time well spent. So thank you, I'm glad we did this. It's going to take me some time to get used to being away from you. I'm going to need to take some time to myself, and I'm not going to call or write or visit or anything. I'd appreciate it if you would do the same thing for me. I'll get back in touch with you when I'm ready, but that won't be until I feel indifferent about everything. That's going to take some time. Also, you might see me out with someone a little sooner than you might expect, so I just wanted to tell you about that up front so that you're not taken by surprise. I'm sure you'll be dating soon too, so don't worry about it. I understand completely. Well, that's really all I had to say. I guess this is goodbye. Nice knowing you. No hug, no kiss, just turn and leave and never look back. It was something like that, those were the major points I covered. Doing it that way was a lot better than the way it went down when I was blindsided and completely unprepared. 1
NC-Thomas Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) I composed a generic, standard speech and I gave it as soon as they announced the breakup. The point of the speech was to cut off the conversation and be get me out of the before my emotions would overwhelm me, and so that I could go cry in my car alone, out of sight. I never needed to have a long conversation about things, and I never went back for more rejection. I sure as hell didn't want to talk about it. Both times I gave that speech, I got the sense that I robbed my dumpers of some satisfaction because I gave the impression that I was more than willing to go along with the breakup without discussion and without any resistance; almost like I had expected it. I was out of there before they knew what hit them, and both times, there was a look of confusion on their faces. Small victories, you know? I didn't allow them to have their say, and that was satisfying to me. I haven't used that speech in a long, long time, but as I recall, it went something like this: No hug, no kiss, just turn and leave and never look back. It was something like that, those were the major points I covered. Doing it that way was a lot better than the way it went down when I was blindsided and completely unprepared. Thanks for sharing your way of handling this kind of rejection upon break-up. I see you have embedded some valuable components such as keeping your honor by walking away and understanding the whole situation without going into past details and issues which do not aid the current situation. I wish I had the self-respect and emotional control to walk away like that. But when **** hits the fan I always value the key-components of what she thinks went wrong for her in our relationship, so i could learn from it. But deep down, I already know whats wrong most of the time. I think you definitely leave them flabbergasted and wondering... But the greatest thing of all is that, as you said nicely, it robs them of the satisfaction that they are the stronger party by breaking up. Also it shows you're not a needy person. I could really imagine the dumper feeling like "did I just make the right decision here?" One more thing that caught my attention was: why are you saying/implying that you will contact her again when you are indifferent? You can't make that promise. By that time im sure you have better things on your mind. Im going to keep this one in the back of my head for whenever lightning may strike again. Thanks again. Edited February 27, 2015 by NC-Thomas
mightycpa Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) I wish I had the self-respect and emotional control to walk away like that. Well, I'm sure you do somewhere. Having something pre-prepared helps. I practiced mine over and over when I first wrote it, and again later. That's what helped me, because I could focus on that. That's also why I needed to get away quickly, to keep my dignity intact. why are you saying/implying that you will contact her again when you are indifferent? You can't make that promise. I don't know why I felt the need to say it. I remember going back and forth on that, but in the end I think it just sounded better, and it addressed the whole "we can still be friends" thing. Of course, you're right, I never did go back, and I never saw/called/contacted either of them again. Edited February 27, 2015 by mightycpa
gnick Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 That if I really like them I'm going to **** it up eventually
The Poster Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 I learned that I can't rely on another person to save me. I have to save myself.
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