LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) I have started seeing this girl recently more serious. Last night we talked about exclusivity. There are two insecurities in her that I would like to get some opinions on how to make her more comfortable. She is not the first girl to tell me that she is insecure about my intelligence. I have my PhD in organic chemistry and am very broadly interested. I can talk almost about any subject on a philosophical level. From computers, physics and space travel to (a)theology, social stigmas and politics. She told me she is wildly insecure that I will think she is dumb or some how not up to my level/can't hang out with my friends/be ashamed with her because of this. I told her that I think anyone can learn anything, though she disagrees, but I believe it. I also told her that I am not that smart, I just spent 6 years learning chemistry so I know a lot about it. I told her that at the end of the day, I feel like just a normal person. I don't know what else to do. She also expressed concerns with the number of (attractive) lady friends I have. However, if she read my conversations with them, she would read that we spend a great deal of time giving each other dating advice and talking like friends. I am a bit of a flirt, but I am not one of these dogs who flirts with everyone, nor do I do it distastefully. It usually involves a lot of wit and just joking around. I never say something like "damn hottie, whatch good which ya?" pff. Anyway, I think the exclusive talk and being open about our emotions and feelings has help to curb it, but in general, how can I approach these insecurities to reassure her that I am totally in to her and I have complete blinders on towards other girls. She literally is on my mind from the moment we leave until I see her again. Edited February 26, 2015 by LoveRefreshed 1
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I told her that I think anyone can learn anything Humongous mistake !! By saying this you are indirectly agreeing she is not smart enough and you believe she can get smarter with a little effort. This sentence has accentuated her insecurities instead of soothing them. This sentence would also make me think you expect me to brush off on chemistry and physic so you and I can debate grand theories. Do you need a girlfriend that would be able to debate on your level? If yes then look for a woman in your smart circle. If it does not matter then tell her she is smart and witty plenty and are not interested in a genius girl, you get that at work. She also expressed concerns with the number of (attractive) lady friends I have. I am a bit of a flirt, but I am not one of these dogs who flirts with everyone, nor do I do it distastefully. It usually involves a lot of wit and just joking around. I never say something like "damn hottie, whatch good which ya?" pff. Anyway, I think the exclusive talk and being open about our emotions and feelings has help to curb it, but in general, how can I approach these insecurities to reassure her that I am totally in to her and I have complete blinders on towards other girls. She literally is on my mind from the moment we leave until I see her again. STOP IT. I don't care what type of flirting you do, just stop it ! If you are into her than show her. Like the song says 'don't believe me just watch'. You want that girl or you want to be flirty with a bunch of female friends? Pick 8
Auspecial Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Remember the film Where The Heart Is with Natalie Portman? The character Forney is more educated than Novalee but is in love with her, not her education status. This is how he handled it: " Novalee Nation: I lied because I thought you deserved something better. Forney Hull: Something better than you? Novalee, nothing could be better than you." But I think G's suggestion is better: stop flirting and assuming its innocent, and tell her you don't like brainy types. 1
kendahke Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 She is probably scared that she is going to end up boring you because she can't banter with you. It also doesn't help that you flirt--doesn't matter the degree. You flirt. She's already feeling she's operating at a deficit; the flirting compounds that perception in her and she's going to bolt. In my own experience, the PhD guys I've come across did act as if they were doing me a favor by talking to me, as if Zeus himself came down from Mt. Olympus to hang with the mortals... I tend to avoid them. I understand that there is a lot I don't know; I didn't like being constantly made aware of that fact. 1
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 ****, I didn't think about how that line sounded. Damn. I was trying to lower myself as not being something special but just a normal person. I have spent 6 years learning what I know about chemistry, it's not like I woke up and was like wow, I know chemistry... or did I learn it in a few months reading a book. I see your point about it. Okay, I did tell her that I think she is smart, and I have been thinking about it, I think I will tell her more so than being smart, I like someone with passion, that she has. As long as I can hold a fun conversation with them and they care about something, that is enough for me. Hrmm, the flirting thing... yes, I actually decided to be exclusive and stopped multidating before we talked about it. About a month back I stopped calling these other girls I was seeing. I didn't know I was so flirty until recently. I thought I was just friendly, I talk with a smile and am genuinely nice, but my female coworker told me she thought I was a womanizer because I am always talking to girls and flirting. It made me think about what I am saying and doing. I don't know how to draw the line between friendly and flirting I guess.
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I am better educated then a lot of people & my terminal degree rivals yours. While I wouldn't discuss your area of expertise with her the same way you would have a conversation with a work colleague. remind her that there have not been conversational lulls to date & that you have always enjoyed her company. They continue interacting with her as you have always done (assuming you are not being a jerk an expressing the idea that you can't understand why everyone hasn't mastered the fine art of creating a polymer) As for the flirting thing, I am a flirt. Even when I try to tone it down, many people here on LS would still say I go to far. I'm comfortable with my behavior. I know where the lines are drawn & would never cheat on my husband. I learned early on that if I am dating somebody who can't handle my interactions with others then the relationship won't work because I have to be true to myself. I don't know what you are doing but complimenting another woman, even kissing an old friend hello on the cheek or joking with a waitress is part & parcel of normal life to me. If you are acting like you want to take these other women to bed, tone it down. Try reminding your GF that you picked her, that you are with her. But if you have to completely change yourself, consider whether you are fundamentally incompatible. As a chemist you know certain compounds don't blend and others explode if you try to put them together. 2
xxoo Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 In what ways do you look up to her? Tell her! 1
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 She is probably scared that she is going to end up boring you because she can't banter with you. It also doesn't help that you flirt--doesn't matter the degree. You flirt. She's already feeling she's operating at a deficit; the flirting compounds that perception in her and she's going to bolt. In my own experience, the PhD guys I've come across did act as if they were doing me a favor by talking to me, as if Zeus himself came down from Mt. Olympus to hang with the mortals... I tend to avoid them. I understand that there is a lot I don't know; I didn't like being constantly made aware of that fact. My ex gf's coworkers met me at a bar, and we had a great time. A few weeks later they were asking her what I did, and she said I was a post doc in chemistry and they were blown away... "no way, he seems so down to earth and normal"... aww is this the stereotype we've earned? I am not arrogant at all about my phd.. In fact, I forget that I could techinically be called dr, but I never tell anyone this. Like I said I feel normal, actually in most situations, I am even more insecure than a lot of people about what I don't know. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 i'm confused slightly by the answers you've received. Your question is genuine and from a good place. However, why are GOOD things about you a problem? Within reason, you can reassure your new gf, however, you shouldn't dim your shine in any way to make her more comfortable. It sounds like your gf's problem. If her insecurities are so great, it will become a bottomless pit--one that will destroy the good things about the relationship. I guess you could have worded your response to her about intelligence better. Your answer, though I don't think you meant it like that, indicates you would want/expect change in her intelligence just from the wording. Probably best to say something to the effect of: There are so many special things about you--there's no one better for me and the person you ARE is perfect for me. Tell her exactly what you said to us: i literally think about you from the moment I leave you until next time we meet. That's intoxicating. I would not change things with your friends that are girls---other than to do group things and include your new gf so she can see it's harmless. And be cognizant if your behavior is actually innocent. Maybe you are only giving us the part of the conversation where you have outstanding concerns but I would be a little worried if I were you that her two concerns with being exclusive with you involve changing who you are and a significant amount of reassurance to her. Red flags. But maybe we are only getting a limited perspective with your post. Insecure and jealous gf's are the worst.
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I see your point about it. Okay, I did tell her that I think she is smart, and I have been thinking about it, I think I will tell her more so than being smart, I like someone with passion, that she has. As long as I can hold a fun conversation with them and they care about something, that is enough for me. I know I am nit picking here but knowing women I think you should avoid expressions like <as long as>, makes it sounds like you are settling as in she can't debate thermal energy too bad but as least she is fun. Just say you love her fun and witty personality. And on a side note. My youngest brother is a chemistry/physic/philosophy genius. In his mind it's all easy and logic! and he thinks if I sit there and I listen to him I will eventually understand scientific theories. No, I am sorry but it's not given to everyone to understand scientific abstract theories. I work in numbers, for me things need to be tangible.
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Hrmm, the flirting thing... yes, I actually decided to be exclusive and stopped multidating before we talked about it. About a month back I stopped calling these other girls I was seeing. I didn't know I was so flirty until recently. I thought I was just friendly, I talk with a smile and am genuinely nice, but my female coworker told me she thought I was a womanizer because I am always talking to girls and flirting. It made me think about what I am saying and doing. I don't know how to draw the line between friendly and flirting I guess. There is a line between friendly and flirty. However most people can't see it & charming people get accused of crossing the line all the time even when they are firmly on the correct side. I'll give you some examples. I was in a business setting yesterday. A guy I'm friends with walked in wearing a great tie. I told him so. He beamed, thanked me & went about his day. I think that's friendly. Other will tell you I was out of bounds because it was a comment about his appearance. Another guy walked in. I needed to talk to him but he didn't acknowledge me so I followed him because I knew he was going to where we both needed to eventually be. In the 2nd room, he turned & said "are you stalking me?" He smiled when he said it & had a twinkle in his eye. I joked, "Oh please you have been stalked by worse women then me." He retorted "fine stalk away but I draw the line at women who want to kill me." I replied, "I don't want to kill you yet but the morning is still young." Clearly that was flirting & for some that banter would have been over the top. For us, it was how we interact. He did some preliminary things then we got down to business & resolved our work issue. I couldn't get my job done without some interpersonal give & take. In any good relationship there will be balance. As for being a womanizer, if you are not, disregard what the co-worker said to you. When I 1st met my husband I was guilty of judging a book by it's cover. I took one look at him -- he's drop dead gorgeous, movie star handsome -- & assumed he was a player. That was OK with me because I was actually in the market for a player at the time; they give good date if you guard your heart. Every woman who met DH told me the same thing: Run he's too good looking. My husband wouldn't know how to be a player if I got him a tutor on the subject. My point: other people's opinions about your character should not matter as long as you are true to yourself (& not an inherently bad person) 1
Versacehottie Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 ****, I didn't think about how that line sounded. Damn. I was trying to lower myself as not being something special but just a normal person. I have spent 6 years learning what I know about chemistry, it's not like I woke up and was like wow, I know chemistry... or did I learn it in a few months reading a book. I see your point about it. Okay, I did tell her that I think she is smart, and I have been thinking about it, I think I will tell her more so than being smart, I like someone with passion, that she has. As long as I can hold a fun conversation with them and they care about something, that is enough for me. _____________ Hrmm, the flirting thing... yes, I actually decided to be exclusive and stopped multidating before we talked about it. About a month back I stopped calling these other girls I was seeing. Ooops don't say the "enough" part. You are still indicating with that wording that somehow she is less than what you are offering up. Say perfect for me, just what I'm looking for, exactly right for me, infinitely interesting and intriguing. Wait, what? If these "other girls" were girls that you were dating or talking to and not strictly friends, well your new gf has a point. I don't think you should be in contact with people who have feelings for you and expect her not to feel threatened by it. If I've misunderstood and they are strictly friends, and have always been just friends, then keep them around.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) Ooops don't say the "enough" part. You are still indicating with that wording that somehow she is less than what you are offering up. Say perfect for me, just what I'm looking for, exactly right for me, infinitely interesting and intriguing. Wait, what? If these "other girls" were girls that you were dating or talking to and not strictly friends, well your new gf has a point. I don't think you should be in contact with people who have feelings for you and expect her not to feel threatened by it. If I've misunderstood and they are strictly friends, and have always been just friends, then keep them around. Okay, thanks again for the new responses. Alright, I guess I suck with words. See, I am word dumb. I don't mean it like anything in a negative way. She has what I need and want. She is fun to talk to, that is what I want, not "just enough" or anything. She makes me feel good. When I look at her, I feel such a warmth and happiness. She gets more and more beautiful to me all the time. No, the other girls I was dating do not count as my female friends. I don't talk to them anymore. The ones I do, are just friends. I think the other coworker may have liked me. I made some statement about how I broke up with one girl because we weren't physical enough, I made a statement along the lines that I could have had more sex single then in this relationship, and she said "I hate to think how much sex you have now"... it was strange. She has also gotten a little weird with me at the bar before. Anyway, my jokes are along the lines.. like I am having a party this weekend, and I wrote: Your partners are invited! Except Nathalie, you can't... hahah jk... you neither svenja! Okay, fine, you both can too. I mean is that over the line? I thought it was just funny. This is the most "sexual" it gets for me. Usually I am just joking about stupid things. This one girl that works in my building always says hi, not just to me. She looks a lot like an old neighbor who said hi all the time. I asked her if she was my neighbor, she said no and that was that. We were at a work party and she kenw this girl I had just met and was talking to.. When she came up, the girl asked how I knew her.. I said she used to be my neighbor. Now when i see her, her smile is even bigger and she enjoys seeing me, but I think that is just normal and friendly. Is it too much? I can't imagine so. I like what you guys say about not changing how I am. I always try to look at it as if I would be comfortable with her behaving like me.. and to be honest, I think it would be fine. She is so friendly and talks to everyone and is so nice.. it doesn't bother me. Edit: Also, I forgot to say, her insecurities have caused zero problems. Somehow, the thing that has made me like her the most, is how emotionally open and honest she is, and how comfortable I am to talk to her about such things. She just expressed them to me, and I want her to feel good and secure in this and put her worries at ease; she hasn't asked me to change. Edited February 26, 2015 by LoveRefreshed 1
Versacehottie Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Well I love your description of why you like her. That would make my heart melt if you were saying that to me. Glad for the clarification on your girl friends. To me, it's harmless obviously. I don't mind if my guy is flirty as long as it's not disrespectful to me. After all, he's all mine. What you are doing wouldn't bother me at all---just like you said she is friendly and it doesn't bother you. You should probably expand on your conversation from last night as soon as possible and clarify with the things you said here about why you like her. I wouldn't go into her jealousy about other girls unless she brings it up. If she does, I would only reassure her in saying: they are good friends, I like them a lot, I'm sure you would too, in fact they've advised me when I started dating you, i will arrange something so we can go out as a group. That's it. Don't let a jealous pattern start with her and if she can't overcome it herself well you will have to watch and see if it works for you. Good luck
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Yes, your party invitations were over the line. They were overtly sexy. You insinuated that you wanted something to happen with these women who you knew were in other relationships. 3
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Yes, your party invitations were over the line. They were overtly sexy. You insinuated that you wanted something to happen with these women who you knew were in other relationships. Yeah, okay. I can see this, but I have no intentions of trying anything or expectations that anything happens... nor do I think they do. I thought it was more of a joke but I guess this is how I have the problem I have of being called a flirt when I think I am just being friendly. I guess I need to consider more of how I am joking with girls, especially. I do make similar jokes with my guy friends.
xxoo Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Yeah, okay. I can see this, but I have no intentions of trying anything or expectations that anything happens... nor do I think they do. I thought it was more of a joke but I guess this is how I have the problem I have of being called a flirt when I think I am just being friendly. I guess I need to consider more of how I am joking with girls, especially. I do make similar jokes with my guy friends. What was the intention of your joke, if not sexual? I understand you don't have intentions of actually getting sexual with them, but the joke seems to be that you want the opportunity. 2
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 What was the intention of your joke, if not sexual? I understand you don't have intentions of actually getting sexual with them, but the joke seems to be that you want the opportunity. generate some smiles and laughter?
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 "but my female coworker told me she thought I was a womanizer" I think there might be discrepancy between what you consider innocent flirting and how it's actually perceived. If you have been told by female friends and colleagues that you come across as a flirt and even a womanizer you need to tone it down. It's not perceived as innocent as you think. 3
xxoo Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 generate some smiles and laughter? Yes, but you can do that better with NO sexual implication. With a sexual joke, who's laughing? You, and maybe the women you flattered. Maybe some pervy men who also think they are sexy. But I guarantee your partner isn't smiling and laughing.
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I think there might be discrepancy between what you consider innocent flirting and how it's actually perceived. If you have been told by female friends and colleagues that you come across as a flirt and even a womanizer you need to tone it down. It's not perceived as innocent as you think. This is quite important for you to understand, OP. As much as I call myself a flirty girl, if you ask anybody who knows me personally or professionally they will tell you I have integrity. Nobody thinks my flirting is anything but innocent -- especially not the people I am flirting with. There's a difference. If the women in your office think you are a cad, you may have a perception problem.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I would say I said this before we were exclusive, but it doesn't matter because my intentions are the same, and that is nothing. However, I guess I see your points. I was taken aback by the womanizer comment, ****, I am not even attractive, how the hell could I womanize. Anyway, yeah, I guess I just think it is obvious to be a joke when they have a partner and knew I was seeing someone and other than this, I talk to them like a normal person and pretty vanilla most other times. Anyway, I guess I will tone it down, but let me re-iterate, this is one extreme example. Most are like the neighbor joke. I got some **** because the girl at the coffee place knows my name now. It is because I one time made a german mistake... She knew our orders and I was on a no caffeine kick so I was drinking chai (doesn't contain caffiene like most teas, not sure what it is called in English, maybe the same) and she said chai and looked at me, and I said (kaffe jetzt) "coffee now" like as in now because I am drinking coffee again, but it came off more as like bring me my coffee right now. Anyway, it was embarrasing, so when she came back, I asked for the coffee without spit. This joke stuck for a bit and then we just chat hwen I come in now and she introduced herself. I mean these are my normal things. I do not normally make a joke about someone not allowed to bring a bf or anything.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 There is nothing wrong with flirting - but if your partner has insecurities then it is not advisable since it can create jealousy issues. If a woman flirts with guys and gets called out on it, the guy is the bad guy for being jealous - yet it's not OK for Men to flirt with Women? Some societal double standards we have here.. Some of your flirting is a bit openly sexual though - maybe not the best for the work environment you could get tagged with a sexual harassment complaint.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 There is nothing wrong with flirting - but if your partner has insecurities then it is not advisable since it can create jealousy issues. If a woman flirts with guys and gets called out on it, the guy is the bad guy for being jealous - yet it's not OK for Men to flirt with Women? Some societal double standards we have here.. Some of your flirting is a bit openly sexual though - maybe not the best for the work environment you could get tagged with a sexual harassment complaint. Hrmm, as someone who has faced such a complaint (over a overheard discussion in a bar about my gf, and a coworker in the same bar thinking we talked about her) I totally agree. However, in europe, as it has been told to me, basically if I am not grabbing legs and smacking asses, I am pretty safe.
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