I resent him

[LemonPledge56]

Really struggling at the moment and I feel like I'm constantly weighing up whether or not it's even possible to fix everything that's wrong with this relationship. It's not a question of whether I want to, anymore - it's a question of whether or not I can. Sorry that this is so long but I would really appreciate if someone could give me any kind of insight!

 

1. I have spent the entire time riding out his inability to move on from the way his previous relationship ended. He has a lot of emotional baggage that I started off wanting to support him with until I realised the massive mistake in that - it's neither healthy nor possible and he has buried his head in the sand and not wanted to accept responsibility for his healing.

 

2. Then there is the fact that he has no concept of boundaries - what is acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship, as if the almost 7 years he spent with his last partner taught him absolutely nothing. To him, it's acceptable for him to still make up weak excuses to hang around someone he was very infatuated with, someone who isn't particularly a friend and to be quite honest, dislikes him. On the other hand, he is nervous if I even have males that show an interest in me, despite my never having even engaged with these people. He will literally check up on me if I'm anywhere he isn't, "where are you?", "who with?".

 

3. Then there is the fact the he dodges financial responsibility and is so utterly stupid with money it's unfathomable. I rent his house from him, the agreement being I'd pay rent to cover his mortgage. What has really happened, no matter how he twists the situation, is that we are essentially living together and he spends his rather generous salary on bs whilst I cover everything, despite not currently being employed.

 

4. He is also incredibly emotionally unstable and as a result likes to spend as much time with me as possible. This of course, I do not mind and I would enjoy the intimacy, if there was any. He would be sad if I decided to do anything without him but the time we do spend together he is glued to his frickin phone and I mean GLUED! He will then complain that I don't talk to him about anything? Often when I do, he is either not paying attention or will patronise, criticise me or feel threatened that my pov is different from his. He likes to try and make me feel small in order to make himself feel better, basically.

 

5. Do not even get me started on how he behaves socially. He transforms into a different person, one that is even more inconsiderate, rude, inappropriate, offensive and quite frankly a totally disrespectful douchebag that I wouldn't go near in a million years if I'd met in a social situation. We've talked about this and he turns around and says, "I don't want to be treading on eggshells"? If you need to be treading on eggshells to not be an ********* then I'm sorry but you might be an *********!

 

6. Sex is also fairly mismatched - my drive is a lot higher and quite frankly it just doesn't happen enough. I have spent the entirety of this relationship constantly initiating as well; he doesn't like to because he supposedly is fearful of rejection.

 

7. Oh God. And he is controlling. Dictatorial. I have to give him a rundown of my day and hope it meets his approval in terms of productivity. He will literally give me lists of things to do and even time frames. JC.

 

I feel like I am in a relationship with a frickin child. We have discussed all of this. Multiple times. He says he's trying. I hear words and see no change. What realistically, can even be done anymore? I went into this relationship more tolerant, more patient, more calm than most people. I have slowly felt like I'm morphing into a deranged psychopath who is just sick of dealing with garbage. Every night, I go to bed with all this circling around my head and thinking about how much I resent him. This isn't healthy, is it?

 

Ironically, his ex is an old school friend of mine and she left him for all the same reasons. We spoke recently. He hasn't changed.

Edited February 26, 2015 by LemonPledge56

[Zahara]

2. Then there is the fact that he has no concept of boundaries - what is acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship...

 

I went into this relationship more tolerant, more patient, more calm than most people.

 

Maybe you need to read the first statement and apply it to yourself. You clearly have no boundaries either, hence your tolerance and have no concept of what's acceptable and what's not in a relationship. At some point accountability and responsibility rests on your shoulders -- what's wrong with you mindset at this point rather than his.

[LemonPledge56]

You are reiterating my problem, though. I have set said boundaries. I already thought it ridiculous that they needed to be clarified. We have had countless conversations and I have reached a point where I no longer wish to tolerate this constant violation of said boundaries. My question was, where do I go from here?

[elaine567]

Really struggling at the moment and I feel like I'm constantly weighing up whether or not it's even possible to fix everything that's wrong with this relationship. It's not a question of whether I want to, anymore - it's a question of whether or not I can. Sorry that this is so long but I would really appreciate if someone could give me any kind of insight!

 

1. I have spent the entire time riding out his inability to move on from the way his previous relationship ended. He has a lot of emotional baggage that I started off wanting to support him with until I realised the massive mistake in that - it's neither healthy nor possible and he has buried his head in the sand and not wanted to accept responsibility for his healing.

 

2. Then there is the fact that he has no concept of boundaries - what is acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship, as if the almost 7 years he spent with his last partner taught him absolutely nothing. To him, it's acceptable for him to still make up weak excuses to hang around someone he was very infatuated with, someone who isn't particularly a friend and to be quite honest, dislikes him. On the other hand, he is nervous if I even have males that show an interest in me, despite my never having even engaged with these people. He will literally check up on me if I'm anywhere he isn't, "where are you?", "who with?".

 

3. Then there is the fact the he dodges financial responsibility and is so utterly stupid with money it's unfathomable. I rent his house from him, the agreement being I'd pay rent to cover his mortgage. What has really happened, no matter how he twists the situation, is that we are essentially living together and he spends his rather generous salary on bs whilst I cover everything, despite not currently being employed.

 

4. He is also incredibly emotionally unstable and as a result likes to spend as much time with me as possible. This of course, I do not mind and I would enjoy the intimacy, if there was any. He would be sad if I decided to do anything without him but the time we do spend together he is glued to his frickin phone and I mean GLUED! He will then complain that I don't talk to him about anything? Often when I do, he is either not paying attention or will patronise, criticise me or feel threatened that my pov is different from his. He likes to try and make me feel small in order to make himself feel better, basically.

 

5. Do not even get me started on how he behaves socially. He transforms into a different person, one that is even more inconsiderate, rude, inappropriate, offensive and quite frankly a totally disrespectful douchebag that I wouldn't go near in a million years if I'd met in a social situation. We've talked about this and he turns around and says, "I don't want to be treading on eggshells"? If you need to be treading on eggshells to not be an ********* then I'm sorry but you might be an *********!

 

6. Sex is also fairly mismatched - my drive is a lot higher and quite frankly it just doesn't happen enough. I have spent the entirety of this relationship constantly initiating as well; he doesn't like to because he supposedly is fearful of rejection.

 

7. Oh God. And he is controlling. Dictatorial. I have to give him a rundown of my day and hope it meets his approval in terms of productivity. He will literally give me lists of things to do and even time frames. JC.

 

I feel like I am in a relationship with a frickin child. We have discussed all of this. Multiple times. He says he's trying. I hear words and see no change. What realistically, can even be done anymore? I went into this relationship more tolerant, more patient, more calm than most people. I have slowly felt like I'm morphing into a deranged psychopath who is just sick of dealing with garbage. Every night, I go to bed with all this circling around my head and thinking about how much I resent him. This isn't healthy, is it?

 

Ironically, his ex is an old school friend of mine and she left him for all the same reasons. We spoke recently. He hasn't changed.

 

You are a people pleaser stuck in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man.

He is sucking the life out of you and you will literally be morphing into crazy.

 

And the book "Living with the Dominator" by Pat Craven - Kindle version available. Outlines the different types of emotional abuser.

[Zahara]

You are reiterating my problem, though. I have set said boundaries. I already thought it ridiculous that they needed to be clarified. We have had countless conversations and I have reached a point where I no longer wish to tolerate this constant violation of said boundaries. My question was, where do I go from here?

 

Honestly, what keeps you in this relationship?

 

There are no boundaries when you continue to accept staying in a relationship that has time and time again contributed no change and happiness to you. All you've done is tolerate dysfunction and create a never ending cycle. If you had boundaries, you wouldn't be where you are. You would have left a long time ago. Boundaries protect you and remove you from what is unhealthy for you. And that means leaving a situation when you start seeing the red flags. Not staying and trying to get him to see the picture.

 

Where do you go from here? You leave. There is no change. You won't get it from him.

 

At some point you need to look at yourself in that why/how you've managed to get to the point of now sitting resentful in a relationship that has made you so unhappy and still wondering what to do.