SolG Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 My mother and my step-father were a widow and widower when they met. In the hallway, side-by-side, they have hanging their original wedding portraits. They honour and accept each others' pasts and the role and import of prior relationships in their respective lives and the resulting joys they now share... Most prominently children, grand-children, and great grand-children as well. They have wonderful individual legacies they now choose to share :-) I guess when we're younger we're more jealous of our love, and more inclined to believe that there can only ever be the singular, 'the one'. That our worth as an object of love must be validated by the total expunging and denouncement of all others that came before. I don't believe that to be a necessity at all. None of the special loves in our past--and not just of the grand romantic kind--ever really disappear. We just over time burr off the jagged emotional edges and set them aside when we're ready. Ready to make space for new love. More love. OP, this is more a philosophical point for consideration as opposed to an indictment of your specific circumstances. Your erstwhile paramour certainly sounds like he wasn't anywhere near being ready in his grieving process to be able to honour and cherish what he had, but also consign it to the past. It seems very much a part of his present. It would appear he hasn't yet been able to make the space. It makes me smile everytime I walk down my mother's hallway past that old photo of her and my father so young and in love. I am very grateful that his memory is still welcome in her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 That's what I told my cousin, that's what I told my office manager and that's what her family and friends told my aunt Michelle. But they're all in perfectly decent relationships with their older men and two have been happily married for quite some time. My cousin is probably thankful she didn't listen. Otherwise, she wouldn't have had her beautiful little boy. Who am I to judge? Who is anyone else to judge me if I, too, should be with an older man. I'm not judging you at all. I'm just saying that my opinion is you're too young to be with a guy that age. When you're 45, he's going to be 67. Heck, I'm 56 and wouldn't want to be with someone who's 67. Maybe the people you know really are happy in those relationships, or maybe they're just lying to you about the challenges they deal with. Of course it's your choice but I've seen it over and over again where big age differences create big problems. That aside, the tatoo thing bugs you. I wouldn't be into telling a guy what to do or pointing out things that bother me. I've learned to just disappear when something strikes me the wrong way because I've learned that people are who they are. If I'm not into it, then I don't need to be in their space, and they don't need to be in mine. I'm sure that's not 100% accurate, so you should do what feels right to you. These are just my thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 My mother and my step-father were a widow and widower when they met. In the hallway, side-by-side, they have hanging their original wedding portraits. They honour and accept each others' pasts and the role and import of prior relationships in their respective lives and the resulting joys they now share... Most prominently children, grand-children, and great grand-children as well. They have wonderful individual legacies they now choose to share :-) I think this is great! While I think a tatoo is extreme, I wouldn't dream of asking someone to remove all memories of a life they had with someone else where they spent years together, had kids, etc. I think that's too much to ask if anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Well I can imagine that as a widower he still thinks a lot about his deceased wife. You cannot expect him to get rid of everything which reminds him of her. What bothers me more about your situation is that he is 13 years older than you. What the hell are you doing with a guy that much older? At 37 you have plenty of chances to meet a guy your age. Please leave the 50 year old guys to us 50 year old gals. We won't make a fuss about him still thinking about his late wife. I think anyone of any age would be a bit fussed about dating a man or woman with a memorial tattoo and the headstone screensaver. It doesn't matter if this man was 22 or 92, he obviously has some unresolved issues and I do not think they should be brought to the dating scene. Bereaved people can have full blown shrines in their living rooms and spend every day in mourning black if they feel that way, but once a person puts themselves back on the scene and available to date, then their new partner IMO needs to be their focus. Expecting a new partner to be part of mourning for a person they never even knew is weird. Link to post Share on other sites
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