Boyfriend Has Deceased Wife Memoralized On Arm

[Suburban Gal]

My girlfriend recently hooked me up with a co-worker.

 

He's 50 and I'm 37. I'm single and have never been married. He was married for 11 years and lost his wife to kidney disease 2 years ago.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think he's entirely over his wife's death because he has her headstone on his desktop computer.

 

He also has her memorialized on his arm. I'm not against tattoos per se, but I question of the name of a SO (girlfriend, boyfriend, fiancé/fiancée, wife, husband) being tattooed on the body. IMHO, it lacks some kind of foresight. I know he deeply loved and cared for her, but from my perspective, as his new girlfriend, it's hard to look at her name when we're making out.

 

Unfortunately, this is something I've never had to really deal with before so I'd appreciate some kind of feedback from others, especially those who've had to deal with something similar.

[stillmind]

Ahhh hello! Yes, I have been in a similar situation. When my husband and I started dating he had his deceased fiancee of seven years' name tattooed in a VERY PROMINENT PLACE (my condition of marrying him was that he have the tattoo lasered off, which he did).

 

I think it's important to remember that he got the tattoo before he met you, and he was probably in a dark place at the time.

 

I also think it's important for you to know that your feelings about this issue will get stronger over time. It's difficult to date a recently widowed man. As your feelings for him deepen you will find yourself angry over mentions and mementos of her. There's the "my wife" thing -- when my husband mentioned her he talked about her as "my wife" out of habit, which drove me absolutely insane and made me feel like the other woman. I finally told him how it made me feel as his gf and he was surprised and apologetic. It was just a habit for him that he hadn't thought to break.

 

Grieving is a difficult process, and while he may be ready to move on with a new woman, he's going to have to give some things up. My husband was an angel as far as making me comfortable as the most important woman in his life. I was part of an online support group for a while (it's since been disbanded, unfortunately) and I read some worrisome stories. The late wife's clothes still hanging in the closet, pictures of her everywhere, prominently displayed wedding photos that wouldn't be taken down, already purchased double headstones with his and hers' names engraved, etc etc. If he's doing something that makes you uncomfortable speak up about it and let him know. He may not realize that it bothers you. IMO pictures and mementos should be taken down and kept in albums or stored in a place where he can look at them privately. If they had children, of course there are going to be photos of mom around, but intimate things like wedding photos should not be on his nightstand or the wall.

 

There's also a period of coming down to earth and accepting that the late wife had flaws. Most widowed men seem to put her on a pedestal after her death, and no earthly woman can compare. Some of them accept that the late wife was a human woman and move on to find a new love, but some of them eternally elevate the deceased partner and compare new women to them unfavorably.

 

It's difficult emotionally to date a widowed person. Tattoos can be removed but at some point you have to reconcile the fact that your happiness was caused by the death of someone else, and that's a tough pill to swallow.

 

I hope some of this helped.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I too have dated a man who lost someone tragically. At first I was very understanding - I mean how could I not sympathize with anyone who lost a loved one, right?

 

Looking back (because hind sight is always 20/20), I should have seen the signs that he was no where ready to move on with me or anyone else for that matter. On our very first date he talked a great deal about her, proudly revealed a tattoo he had done in memory of her and even showed me countless pics of her (and him together) which he still had saved on his phone. She had passed away almost 3 years before I came into the picture!

 

It didn't help that the anniversary of her death came to pass while we were dating. I didn't know it at the time but sensed something was different with the guy I was dating. He was moody and distant and when I finally asked what was wrong he told me. That's when I realized that this wasn't going to work for either of us.

 

As much as my heart was telling me to remain sympathetic and understanding, my gut was telling me otherwise.

 

When I confronted him about calling it quits he didn't really fight it. How could he? It was very clear that she was the love of his life. As much as he may have wanted to move on and fall in love again it was next to impossible. He was white-knuckling his grip on her memory and put this woman on such a high pedestal that no one woman would ever be able to fill her shoes.

 

That was just over two years ago now and I still see him around town every now and again. He's still single and "dating" and still looks as sad and lost as ever. As much as my heart goes out to him and his loss I realized a long time ago that I never want to be anyone's second choice. Period.

 

I can't replace what he lost nor would I want to. We all have a story, some more tragic than others. At the end of the day, we have to carry our own crosses, good or bad. He still had so much more work to do to make peace with his past where as I had already slayed many of my demons and was ready to charge ahead. We were in two very different places.

 

Thanks to my past experiences and years of therapy, I was able to realize that this wasn't a healthy relationship nor would be become one any time soon. And I'm so grateful to have seen it sooner rather than later.

 

As for your situation, I would listen to your gut. It's rarely wrong. Dating someone who's lost a partner is very challenging to navigate at the best of times. I would start with being honest with him about how you feel and what you want and see what happens. Maybe he's ready to move on. Then again, maybe he's not and doesn't even realize it yet. You need to protect yourself and be true to what YOU want from a relationship.

 

Being understanding and sympathetic will only go so far before you start to grow resentful. You both deserve better than that.

 

Good luck.

[xxoo]

I know the tattoo is what you see the most, but I think the headstone on his desktop is the bigger issue. The decision to get the tattoo was in the past, but the decision to keep that on his desktop is in the present. It is an indication that he is still very much mourning her, and feeling committed to her on some level.

 

If he was farther along in his mourning, the tattoo might not bother you as much. It would just hold less weight, as his head would be more convincingly with you and not with her. As it is now, that tattoo is just an in-your-face reminder that his head is still with her, as evidenced by his other behaviors.

 

It's too soon.

[Timshel]

Stillmind, Michelle and xxoo have given very good advice. I am a widow and what they have said is very insightful. Has been useful for me as well to see the perspective of any person I may eventually date. Thank you!

[preraph]

I think there are better ways to remember someone than a tattoo that will do nothing but stir up controversy. But that said, you don't "get over" a spouse's death. If you loved them when they died, or you ever loved them, you always keep a place in your heart for them. Nothing wrong with that.

[Gary S]

I cringe when I have to write a post like this, because it's some emotional, controversial, and heavy stuff. But sometimes tough-love is necessary.

 

If widows and divorces knew what was good for them and their next relationship, they would give all those old pictures and memorabilia to other family members. It can make your partner jealous and insecure when you keep it around. Plus, the memorabilia can make the grieving period take longer to get over. I know, this is a big enchilada to swallow. Relationships take work, and this is part of the work. Unfortunately he's not here to read this.

 

The other issue is, is he really over his deceased wife? It's like being on the rebound... there is a grieving period people go through... until they are over it, it can be years before they are ready to love another. If you date someone on the rebound, there is a risk they will drop you and break your heart. If he talks about her too much, or acts flaky toward you, he's still on the rebound.

 

The third issue, the tattoo.... I guess you'll have just have to see if you can forget about it. I honestly don't know if I could? I don't like it.

 

The bottom line is, if you want to have another relationship, you have to get rid of reminders of old flames - so give the pictures to other family members. I agree, it's sad, but you have to grow up - life goes on.

 

Edit: I read the opening post again... Since it's been two years since she passed, he might be over his deceased wife now, or it could take one more year. Keep in mind this is only a rough estimate, nobody can say for sure. You'll have to rely primarily on your intuition on this one.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Gary S

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I might have a controversial opinion here but...

 

 

I think its pretty normal for a Widow/Widower to still love the memory of their deceased husband/wife. Of course you can't spend the rest of your life in solitude missing that person - and you have to move on to others. But I think your future partner(s) should respect that you were in love with that person and they will always be a part of your life - even after you are over mourning them.

 

 

Only a heartless person would force them to remove a tattoo or throw away pictures.

[smackie9]

For me it would be a deal breaker and would never date them....

[alphamale]

that is a bit creepy

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

that is a bit creepy

 

Maybe - however I've never gone through that experience so I won't be judgmental of how others cope with their loss.

[stillmind]

Only a heartless person would force them to remove a tattoo or throw away pictures.

 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't cherish the memory of your late spouse. I'm not saying that you should throw away pictures or mementos. I'm saying that IF you want to move on with a new person, you should respect the new love in your life by not expecting them to live in the shadow of your loss. It's unreasonable to expect a new spouse to live surrounded by wedding photos and memorials to the spouse you lost. You can put these things away where you can look at them and enjoy them whenever you please, but your new love doesn't have to look at them every day of their life.

 

I am not going to be married to a man with an eight inch wide tattoo of another woman's name on his body in a highly visible location, that was a flat out requirement of mine, and if my husband felt it was too much to ask he was more than welcome to leave and go his own way.

 

As it was he was very happy to have the tattoo removed. It was something he regretted getting, it was ugly and tacky, and he was ready to move on without having her name branded on him. Before we even started dating he was asking me for advice on possible coverup tattoos, but in the end we decided on laser removal due to the tattoo's location (any coverup would have been hideous and worse than the original).

Edited February 26, 2015 by stillmind

[Suburban Gal]

I want to thank everyone for their replies, very insightful comments and advice. Much to think about.

 

Unfortunately, he broke things off with me via text.

 

According to my girlfriend, he broke things off because:

 

a. He didn't like the fact I used the 'N' word 21 years ago when I was bullied in high school and trying to stand up for myself with school administration.

(I found out he was bullied in high school too so we started sharing bulling stories. That probably was a very bad idea at the time.)

I seriously can't believe a guy would hold something against me or an incident that happened that long ago. I was young and dumb and everyone does stuff they regret when they're young and dumb. If I could go back and change the whole situation, I would but it is what it is. To want to dump me, in part, of something that happened so long ago is silly because that's not who I am now. I haven't used the word since. People change.

b. He felt I was too pushy in wanting him to let go of his deceased wife.

Honestly, I felt he was too pushy about his dire financial situation and not being able to pay for February's rent. He kept asking me how he could keep his rent check from bouncing. He talked about getting a roommate to share his 1 bedroom apartment and went as far as to say he'd get a girl and she'd sleep in his queen size bed with him. He even talked about filing for bankruptcy so he could get rid of his employment garnishments.

He was far pushy where this is concerned and was pushy right out of the gate on the very first date. I was actually ready to run and not keep the relationship going but I decided to give him some benefit of a doubt and see where things would go. I think part of me just felt so sorry for him.

c. He didn't like the fact I brought up traveling when he had money problems.

All I did was simply ask him if he liked to travel and when I found out we had that in common, we shared the places we had been to in the past. He was the one who mentioned planning a trip and wanting to take me somewhere — not me.

Why would a guy talk about this is he knows he's not financially well off to travel with a girlfriend?

d. He felt things were going too fast.

He never told me at any time he felt things were going too fast and to slow down. Heck, I was trying my best to match his speed because I knew I was in a very unique dating situation, one I had never been in before.

Why couldn't he have said something to me?

e. He's just not ready to move on.

Apparently, he feels this is what his deceased wife would want for him. That is, to keep mourning her loss.

Honestly, I think this guy is never going to get over his wife's loss. I think he's always going to cling to what once was which is sad. Everyone who losses someone should be able to move on in life. Why be forever miserable? To me, that's torture.

That said, he told my girlfriend it was apparent he wasn't ready to move on because he still had her pictures on his desk at work.

 

Honestly, I've learned a lot from this relationship. I've learned that I never want to be involved with a widower ever again. I told my girlfriend if she wants to hook me up ever again to make sure he's single and has never been married. I'm one and done. I'll never knowingly put myself into this kind of situation ever again no matter how good looking or how nice the man is. This isn't for me.

[Gaeta]

Honestly, I've learned a lot from this relationship. I've learned that I never want to be involved with a widower ever again. I told my girlfriend if she wants to hook me up ever again to make sure he's single and has never been married. I'm one and done. I'll never knowingly put myself into this kind of situation ever again no matter how good looking or how nice the man is. This isn't for me.

 

I am very sorry it ended. Not every man that's been married is like this. At your age wanting to meet a man that has never been married or in a common law relationship will be difficult. No need to be this drastic. This man was too old for you and he was not over is wife's passing. Spend a little time on here reading stories and you'll find plenty of people that have never married but are still hung up on their ex. It's life. Take care.

[Suburban Gal]

This man was too old for you and he was not over is wife's passing.

 

That's what my girlfriend is telling me. She didn't even know he was that old. he doesn't look 50. He looks like he's in his 40s. She assumed she was hooking me up with a guy a little older than us.

 

That said, some people would say age is just as number and as long as you have things in common, it doesn't really matter. My office manager is a year younger than me and her boyfriend is 58. They've been together for several months. My younger cousin, she's younger by 8 years, married a guy 11 years older than her. She's been married to him for a little over 4 years now. They have one child together. My aunt Michelle is younger than me and older than my cousin. She's 33 to be exact. My uncle is 62. There's a 29 year age difference between them. They've been married for several years now.

 

I never had a problem with his age. We had a lot in common. We both like baseball (our favorite team was the White Sox), we both liked to travel and had traveled many different places, we were both bullied in high school, we both liked animals and had pets. And ironically enough, my grandmother also died from kidney disease so I had a really good idea of what he had to go through.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Well I can imagine that as a widower he still thinks a lot about his deceased wife. You cannot expect him to get rid of everything which reminds him of her.

 

What bothers me more about your situation is that he is 13 years older than you. What the hell are you doing with a guy that much older? At 37 you have plenty of chances to meet a guy your age. Please leave the 50 year old guys to us 50 year old gals. We won't make a fuss about him still thinking about his late wife.

[SawtoothMars]

Ahhh hello! Yes, I have been in a similar situation. When my husband and I started dating he had his deceased fiancee of seven years' name tattooed in a VERY PROMINENT PLACE (my condition of marrying him was that he have the tattoo lasered off, which he did).

 

Holy crap! If you are that jealous and can't compete with a dead woman... I can't even imagine how nutter you are with the living.

 

He can love someone who is dead AND love you too. Having him laser the tattoo is just a petty move. I wouldn't get a tattoo to begin with, but if I did... I wouldn't get it removed to satiate some bitchy jealousy.

[xxoo]

Surburban, he sent you a lot of mixed signals, and then he bailed. He wants to be ready, but he's not. And the push/pull and finding fault with you are mostly about him not being ready.

 

Not every widowed or divorced man will be like this. I think you'd be able to recognize the signs in a timely manner if you met another man still attached to the past.

[Suburban Gal]

You cannot expect him to get rid of everything which reminds him of her.

 

I NEVER did.

 

What bothers me more about your situation is that he is 13 years older than you. What the hell are you doing with a guy that much older? At 37 you have plenty of chances to meet a guy your age. Please leave the 50 year old guys to us 50 year old gals. We won't make a fuss about him still thinking about his late wife.

 

As I previously said, my girlfriend didn't even know he was that old, as he doesn't even look 50. He looks like he's in his 40s. She assumed she was hooking me up with a guy a little older than us.

 

That said, some people would say age is just as number and as long as you have things in common, it doesn't really matter. My office manager is a year younger than me and her boyfriend is 58. They've been together for several months. My younger cousin, she's younger by 8 years, married a guy 11 years older than her. She's been married to him for a little over 4 years now. They have one child together. My aunt Michelle is younger than me and older than my cousin. She's 33 to be exact. My uncle is 62. There's a 29 year age difference between them. They've been married for several years now.

 

I never had a problem with his age. We had a lot in common and after dating several men my own age or age range and finding out they lack a lot of maturity, I expected this older man to be far more mature than them. Guess I was wrong.

[spiderowl]

e. He's just not ready to move on.

Apparently, he feels this is what his deceased wife would want for him. That is, to keep mourning her loss.

 

I doubt you did anything wrong and the above is why it didn't work out. If he is still in mourning and not ready to move on, then he will judge everything you do in that light - i.e. there's no chance of you matching up to his deceased wife. Please don't blame yourself for anything here.

[stillmind]

Holy crap! If you are that jealous and can't compete with a dead woman... I can't even imagine how nutter you are with the living.

 

He can love someone who is dead AND love you too. Having him laser the tattoo is just a petty move. I wouldn't get a tattoo to begin with, but if I did... I wouldn't get it removed to satiate some bitchy jealousy.

 

I don't much care what you think of me but I will say that everyone in my support group was uncomfortable with memorial tattoos and that included the widows/widowers who got them. Most of them were eventually covered up or removed.

 

If you get a name tattoo, don't expect a future partner to be comfortable with it.

[bathtub-row]

I think it's a little odd. It would be a turn-off for me. And, aside from that, he's too old for you. I'd suggest that you find someone better suited for you.

[Suburban Gal]

And, aside from that, he's too old for you. I'd suggest that you find someone better suited for you.

 

That's what I told my cousin, that's what I told my office manager and that's what her family and friends told my aunt Michelle. But they're all in perfectly decent relationships with their older men and two have been happily married for quite some time. My cousin is probably thankful she didn't listen. Otherwise, she wouldn't have had her beautiful little boy.

 

Who am I to judge? Who is anyone else to judge me if I, too, should be with an older man.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Suburban Gal

[Suburban Gal]

Again, thank you all.

 

I've had my say about vastly big age differences and have said I'm perfectly okay with someone who's 50.

 

To be entirely honest, all I want is a decent man regardless if he's 30, 40 or 50. It makes no difference to me. Unfortunately, decent seems impossible. I always get stuck with this kind of man: the ass****.

[SawtoothMars]

I don't much care what you think of me but I will say that everyone in my support group was uncomfortable with memorial tattoos and that included the widows/widowers who got them. Most of them were eventually covered up or removed.

If you get a name tattoo, don't expect a future partner to be comfortable with it.

 

What do I think of you? I would say based on this you would be a poor match for someone similar to me.

 

I don't know what you mean by support group... but it sounds like getting advice from people who are not mentally healthy. I don't really think it's acceptable to try and compete with someone who is dead. Perhaps that person was a great love. It's intensely selfish to ask someone to just completely forget and move on.

 

This is completely different than when faced with a living ex. It is acceptable to request the removal of mementos and other such things because that person is still a potential romantic interest. Your support group is just being too supportive. Who trusts the words of "yes men"?