firefly1 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I was with my boyfriend for 6 years, we are 26 and 28. We met in college and we were each others first bf and gf. It was an amazing 6 years with no fights whatsover and we knew we were meant to be together forever. He is an amazing person, very kind, wise, confident, works hard and motivated. He treated me like I was his whole world and supported me when I was feeling down. We studied together, and did everything together. However after 5 years together, we both moved abroad to work and after a year in the new country I discovered new things, new people. I ended up neglecting my bf at home and instead went out with my new friends. I asked if my bf wanted to join us but he had no interest in meeting them. After a month of attention from other guys I started to wish that I was single. I know I was a terrible girlfriend but I was really caught up with the excitement of having new friends. My bf prefers to stay in and work, and I guess I was bored at home. After a few months of this new lifestyle, my bf felt very hurt because he caught me and one of my new guy friends talking. He said that he didnt trust this other guys intentions. I said that we were just friends. He had many sleepless nights and cried about it. We decided that perhaps we werent suited to each other. my bf said he was scared by my behavior and that he was scared that he wasnt interesting enough for me. I had already come down from my high and I agreed that maybe our goals in life were dissimilar. he wanted to settle down and start a family, whereas I wanted to have fun and explore the world a bit more first. I realise now that I was being very immature. The new friends I have is not worth losing my bf who would have been my husband over. We broke up because of my behaviour. My bf had felt neglected and the way I had treated him scared him. He said that he needed a break. He flew home and texted me that he needed time to heal his heart and his mind. We said that we would stay as best friends. He said that I was still the most important person in the world to him and he still loved me. I really wanted him to stay with me, because I knew the error of my ways. He is really the love of my life and I wouldnt know how to cope without him. He tells me that he went through a dark place and he tells me he doesnt want to go through with it again. I really hope that he will come back to me, and I know I have to change myself. i need to become more caring, less selfish and not to neglect him over spending time with other people. We still share a flat abroad, and the tenancy is not up for another two months. I plan to show that I have changed, take care of him and give it my best shot. Do you think there is a good chance he will come back to me? He doesnt have anyone else.
badpenny Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I was with my boyfriend for 6 years, we are 26 and 28. We met in college and we were each others first bf and gf. And this is the clincher... it's extremely rare that you also end up being each other's 'last'... It was an amazing 6 years with no fights whatsover and we knew we were meant to be together forever. I'm afraid that's rubbish. Nobody knows that. And as has been demonstrated for you, you clearly weren't.... He is an amazing person, very kind, wise, confident, works hard and motivated. He treated me like I was his whole world and supported me when I was feeling down. We studied together, and did everything together. I had a puppy like that. we were inseparable. Just because something goes well *here*, gives no guarantee of continuity.... However after 5 years together, we both moved abroad to work and after a year in the new country I discovered new things, new people. I ended up neglecting my bf at home and instead went out with my new friends. No, you ended up doing what comes naturally to most people, went out, met new friends, socialised, broadened your circle of acquaintances. You DIDN'T neglect your BF. There was no neglect. Here's why... I asked if my bf wanted to join us but he had no interest in meeting them. That's his decision; his problem, not yours. His closeted attitude does not mean you neglected him. he got snubby and took umbrage. After a month of attention from other guys I started to wish that I was single. I know I was a terrible girlfriend but I was really caught up with the excitement of having new friends. My bf prefers to stay in and work, and I guess I was bored at home. After a few months of this new lifestyle, my bf felt very hurt because he caught me and one of my new guy friends talking. Yes, talking. It;s what people do. It's how humans communicate, in general.... He said that he didnt trust this other guys intentions. His jealousy and possessiveness are his problems, not yours. he doesn't OWN you.... I said that we were just friends. He had many sleepless nights and cried about it. Oh for goodness' sake, bit of a drama queen.... All he had to do was to socialise a bit more himself! We decided that perhaps we werent suited to each other. my bf said he was scared by my behavior and that he was scared that he wasnt interesting enough for me. Sadly, in a way, he was probably right. When you've been drinking water all your life, a glass of sparkling champagne makes all the difference, and let's you see what you've been missing. Going back to just water is an unreasonable demand.... I had already come down from my high and I agreed that maybe our goals in life were dissimilar. he wanted to settle down and start a family, whereas I wanted to have fun and explore the world a bit more first. I realise now that I was being very immature. Oh my goodness, no! QUITE THE OPPOSITE!! He was the one being unreasonable! You were the one who was living life as you should! You're not tied to him at the hip! The new friends I have is not worth losing my bf who would have been my husband over. I completely disagree. I think in fact, to have a broad spectrum of friends is far healthier than limiting yourself to simply one person alone. What, you were never going to be able to have any friendships, ever again? We broke up because of my behaviour. No, you broke up because he was being a jerk. My bf had felt neglected and the way I had treated him scared him. He said that he needed a break. He flew home and texted me that he needed time to heal his heart and his mind. See, this is where the flaw shows. There is no such thing as a 'break'. he broke up with you, but it was manipulative, and a way of guilt-tripping you for doing something nearly every single normal person does. you grew wings and diversified. He was stuck in the mud, but expected you to stay right there with him. We said that we would stay as best friends. Bd idea, can't be done. He said that I was still the most important person in the world to him and he still loved me. Untrue. he put his own feelings and demands above yours, and threw a strop because you weren't confrming to them.All he had to do was to join you and socialise... he could have enjoyed the benefit of meeting new freinds and had fun. Instead, he threw a guilt cloak around your shoulders, and made YOU feel bad, because of his social ineptitude. I really wanted him to stay with me, because I knew the error of my ways. He is really the love of my life and I wouldnt know how to cope without him. Oh piffle. of course you do! Think back to how nice you thought it might be to be single.... that's really what your feelings were then. You just feel guilty because he's making you believe he's indispensable, when in fact, he's the needy, clingy one.... He tells me that he went through a dark place and he tells me he doesnt want to go through with it again. Send him a torch for his birthday. His "dark place" is his cave, not yours. I really hope that he will come back to me, and I know I have to change myself. i need to become more caring, less selfish and not to neglect him over spending time with other people. Translated, this sounds exactly like "I am going to train myself to be his doormat". We still share a flat abroad, and the tenancy is not up for another two months. I plan to show that I have changed, take care of him and give it my best shot. Do you think there is a good chance he will come back to me? He doesnt have anyone else. I really, really hope not. You honestly don't need to go on through life with this mill-stone around your neck. You need to read the No Contact Guide and stick to it, because honestly? You really will lead a better, fuller, happier and more fulfilled life without him. If he wants to play the sulky little boy, let him. Otherwise, that's what you are setting yourself up for, for the foreseeable future. bending over backwards to keep his jealus, possessive little self, happy.
Ruby65 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell you what's going to happen, here. Sadly, it's anyone's guess what he's going to decide... Personally, I don't think you should have to choose between your friends and your boyfriend -- unless you're crossing boundaries with your male friends, which is not cool at all. But I think for a relationship to last long-term, you can't expect to stay in a bubble of just the two of you. If he's more introverted and you enjoy going out and socializing, there needs to be room to accommodate these differences... I don't think the answer to that is trying to *change* yourself into a person that prefers quiet time at home all the time. A healthy relationship allows for lots of growth, change and strong social ties outside the relationship. The two of you bonded quite young, so if you do stay together long term you might need to work on allowing for individual growth and differences. His way isn't "right" anymore than yours is. He wants marriage and kids right away and you want more time to travel and enjoy your freedom.... it seems like a happy medium should be reachable there, if you're going to make things work. Six years is a long time and I think it's healthy for both of you to take a pause and consider if you two are really meant to be together forever. It sounds like you're respecting his request for space, which is all you can do right now, no? This is a situation that requires some patience, imo anyway. You need to let things unfold. This is make-or-break for you as a couple. I wouldn't say to give up hope. But I think it's healthy to have some time apart -- you really CAN function and be happy without this one relationship and staying together out of fear isn't good for anyone. It'll help you, in life, to know you can make it through this, whatever he decides. You might even reach the point of deciding you're better off without this relationship and being single for a while! It's not the worst thing in the world, you know.
Recommended Posts