Photofinish Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) I've been with my current bf for almost two months. He is completely the opposite of my ex. He is young (19 and i'm 22. ex was 25) , Asian(different ways and lifestyle I guess) , not much accomplished in life (he is in college but at his age this is expected. ex had degrees, etc) , considerate of me , goofy, not a virgin (I dated my ex when he was one) and kindhearted. Now my ex left me in a really bad place. A week after my father died he began to pressure me for sex although the whole relationship he told me it was okay if I wanted to wait. I was putting a time span on my virginity. He treated me like **** that last week and tried to manipulate me into sexual favors. He then mocked me for weeks after and found a new girl friend (whom he lost his virginity too) about two weeks later. It threw me to the gutter for two months and I became clinically depressed . Lost weight ,didnt leave home ,etc. He was the first guy I loved . Now my current bf comes into my life. I began to develop feelings for him as he is in my school's club. My friend told him and he asked me out. Now. We became official about a 5 months after the breakup , and about 3 months after I got "back into life" (I was able to function again) . We were seeing each other a month prior. Here is where things start to get weird. I would never get back together with my ex but for some reason or another I think about him everyday. Not like us being together but more of what he did to me. I think about things we did when we were together, the last week, the messed up things he did to me him with his girlfriend and how bad it hurts. In turn it effects me and my current boyfriend. I compare them ALOT. I try to justify things in my head when he doesnt live up. I compare their cars, life choices, majors, family, home. Yeah it's that bad. I dont know why I do it and try to stop but I just do. What my ex did also effects my current relationship . I freak out sometimes and feel like my current bf is going to do what my ex did to me. Im very un trusting and my bf has told me this. I'm also very emotionally de attached . It's very hard for me to feel and sometimes I look at him and feel like leaving him because he will hurt me or isnt good enough .I fight these thoughts because a part of me really cares for him . My boyfriend doesnt deserve this. He is so sweet. He will make me lunch sometimes, drive me home even though he lives close to school , take care of me. He actually respect my choice on sex. He doesnt pressure ne at all and never brings it up . He says he doesnt expect it and would only do it with someone he loves ,just like me. I sometimes do get a little excited if I'm at his place but he doesnt take advantage and always askes if im comfortable if he touches me somewhere. I am super careful with what I do because then I begin to freak out thinking he will become my ex if I sexually frustrate him Should I have stayed single longer? Would it have helped with these thoughts? Was it too soon? Any advice on how to make these thoughts go away they are making miserable ! Edited February 26, 2015 by Photofinish 1
Els Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 5 months sounds fine to me, especially at your age. If you'd been older and had left a 10-year relationship/marriage with kids then I would say it's a bit short, but definitely not too quick for a college student. You comparing them (especially in terms of material wealth) is a different story and something you need to work on. You need to ask yourself why you are doing this - I doubt the reason is something as simple as 'we broke up 5 months ago'. 1
Author Photofinish Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 5 months sounds fine to me, especially at your age. If you'd been older and had left a 10-year relationship/marriage with kids then I would say it's a bit short, but definitely not too quick for a college student. You comparing them (especially in terms of material wealth) is a different story and something you need to work on. You need to ask yourself why you are doing this - I doubt the reason is something as simple as 'we broke up 5 months ago'. How can I work on this? I cant seem to answer that question myself... I think it's worse I cant even answer that question myself. Maybe to prove to myself that nothings changed? That I'm doing better? I'm not sure..
Els Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 How can I work on this? I cant seem to answer that question myself... I think it's worse I cant even answer that question myself. Maybe to prove to myself that nothings changed? That I'm doing better? I'm not sure.. Maybe focus on defining your life by your own metrics rather than on those of the partner you have? I know it's hard - as far as I know you have had a conservative/traditional upbringing, and traditional mindsets place a lot of emphasis on defining a woman by the 'worth' of the man she has (and by 'worth' they do mean qualifications, house, car, etc - all the things you mentioned in your post). But IMO the happiest people are the ones who learn to define happiness for themselves, not by other people's definitions. 1
GemmaUK Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 How can I work on this? I cant seem to answer that question myself... I think it's worse I cant even answer that question myself. Maybe to prove to myself that nothings changed? That I'm doing better? I'm not sure.. I feel like I am harping on about a great book I read..but it was a great book.. Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri. You are thinking about what your ex did because you cannot fathom out his reasons for doing what he did to you. Once you understand what was behind it your questioning will subside and you'll soon forget about your ex. You dated a toad. Frogs can turn into princes. Toads don't change. 1
Author Photofinish Posted March 1, 2015 Author Posted March 1, 2015 Maybe focus on defining your life by your own metrics rather than on those of the partner you have? I know it's hard - as far as I know you have had a conservative/traditional upbringing, and traditional mindsets place a lot of emphasis on defining a woman by the 'worth' of the man she has (and by 'worth' they do mean qualifications, house, car, etc - all the things you mentioned in your post). But IMO the happiest people are the ones who learn to define happiness for themselves, not by other people's definitions. He isnt a bad guy though. He has a future and is the sweetest thing ever. I will continue to work towards my happiness and trying to see the best in him (which I am actually) I feel like I am harping on about a great book I read..but it was a great book.. Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri. You are thinking about what your ex did because you cannot fathom out his reasons for doing what he did to you. Once you understand what was behind it your questioning will subside and you'll soon forget about your ex. You dated a toad. Frogs can turn into princes. Toads don't change. Sounds like a good read . Gonna see if I can pick it up! Maybe I am trying to figure out why. All I can assume is "Sex" but surely there must have been a easier way to get it from someone else? Granted, I was his first girlfriend. Maybe is just a psycho and gets a kick from it? I dont know.
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