thisistossup Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 My BF of 8 months is sick of me living 3 hours away. Because of my work -- he was the one who traveled most of the time to see me...and he wanted me to quit my job -- and live with him. However, I ended up having a custody issue and I have gone back to live in my child's hometown -- but he is SO sick of it. He has said he can't take it anymore --- and he blew up. So, I started commuting 6 hours every day -- I would work until 11 and get home at 2am and then leave again at 10 am. He and I had a horrible fight last week and we ended up spending the week apart and now he is just out of his mind -- says he can NOT take the distance anymore. I was going to drive back Monday night at 2am -- but we got bad weather. Then, last night -- I started coming down with a cold/fever. I told him I couldn't stay away and he was very very upset. Tonight -- he wants me to come -- I'll get in at 2 am and he leaves for work at 7! So, I am just wondering - am I out of line for wanting to avoid the trip tonight? He's very upset.....He tells me that our relationship is like "slavery" for him...that he is just having to put his life on hold because I won't come back and live with him. And if I have to travel to see my kids -- he's not happy, either....
Buddhist Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 This is not love. This is possession and aggression. I think you're best bet is to seek a counsellor. You seem to have trouble distinguishing between abuse and love. There's a lot of inner work for you to do. 4
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Is this the same guy that's now in jail....?
Author thisistossup Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Yes... He went to jail for the night. But he was not in for Long. I believe that he really loves me but I must say that tonight when I told him I wasn't coming.. He was livid. He said I don't love him. That I'm making a fool of him. And I am controlling him because I don't come ... Even when I'm tired or worn out. He says that if I loved him I would not put work or my son or my ex husband first...
Hawaii51 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 This is not love. This is possession and aggression. I think you're best bet is to seek a counsellor. You seem to have trouble distinguishing between abuse and love. There's a lot of inner work for you to do. " We must view with profound respect the capacity of the human mind to resist the inroads of useful information."
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 This guy is an emotionally abusive loser. Get rid of him now or risk your emotional and physical well-being. 1
bathtub-row Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 You need to end it with this guy immediately. He is a disaster. The minute he made a comment about you putting your child first in a situation like this, it should have been game over. I can tell you, just like everyone else is trying to, that he's abusive. I know you think we don't know him and all that but the signs are all there, loud and clear. And you're jumping through hoops for him like a trained monkey. A decent, emotionally stable man would handle this situation very, very differently. It is not at all relevant whether you think this guy loves you or not. He is possessive, immature, and hot-headed. You do not need that in your life, and you definitely don't want to be raising your son around an idiot like this. If you're smart, you will get out now and never look back. 2
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 While I might look into a compromise for love, I wouldn't do anything for this guy. Between the relatively short time you have been together, his aggression, his misguided notion of love, his lack of understanding that your kids are a priority, his controlling attitude & his disregard for the law, the only thing I would do to make my life easier is get him out of it. He gave you the perfect opportunity. You say, you know what, this is not working. We have different priorities & you are clearly not happy. You make that clear to me every time you yell unreasonable demands at me. So you know what? To make you happy I am releasing you. I will no longer be around to "make a fool of you" as you claim I was doing. I am going to stay here permanently. You are going to stay there. It's been fun but I'm done. Have a nice life. 2
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I believe that he really loves me but I must say that tonight when I told him I wasn't coming.. He was livid. He said I don't love him. That I'm making a fool of him. And I am controlling him because I don't come ... Even when I'm tired or worn out. He says that if I loved him I would not put work or my son or my ex husband first... So what he loves you? Ask any man on death row for having killed their wife and children if they loved them and the answer is yes. Your guy does not know how to properly love you, he is abusive and possessive and that will never change. His comment about if you loved him you would not put your son before him is simply disgusting. So you are one of those women that will put their abusive boyfriend before their own child! 2
Els Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 He tells me that our relationship is like "slavery" for him...that he is just having to put his life on hold because I won't come back and live with him. And if I have to travel to see my kids -- he's not happy, either.... Wow. What a melodramatic, passive-aggressive douchebag. "Slavery" just because you have to be temporarily apart due to problems with your son's custody!?!? That nearly made me spit out my drink. There are 14 yo boys with more maturity and patience than this guy. He does not love you, he's just in love with the idea of a girlfriend who will satisfy his every whim and fancy immediately. And the more you pander to that, the more entitled he will become and the worse he will get. Someone who truly loves you will not try and make you drive 6 hours every day just so he can see you - he would drive TO you if it mattered that much to him! Do not quit your job for this guy, leave him. 1
Author thisistossup Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Today, 10:26 AM #4 thisistossup New Member Join Date: Feb 2015 I told Him I wasn't coming last night and he was livid. He said it showed I didn't really love him or want to see him.. I said no. I just think we would only have 4 hours together (2am to 6am) and he needed to do surgery in. The am! I asked him to stop lecturing me or insulting me on the phone. He wouldn't. Do I told him I loved him but I needed to get off the phone. He said I didn't get to control when the convo ends. So I eventually get him off the phone and he calls me 12 times in the middle of the night to FaceTime .. To prove no one is in my bed. I did not answer. I still haven't answered his insane texts. He even has my location tracker on! He knows where I am. Share
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Today, 10:26 AM #4 thisistossup New Member Join Date: Feb 2015 I told Him I wasn't coming last night and he was livid. He said it showed I didn't really love him or want to see him.. I said no. I just think we would only have 4 hours together (2am to 6am) and he needed to do surgery in. The am! I asked him to stop lecturing me or insulting me on the phone. He wouldn't. Do I told him I loved him but I needed to get off the phone. He said I didn't get to control when the convo ends. So I eventually get him off the phone and he calls me 12 times in the middle of the night to FaceTime .. To prove no one is in my bed. I did not answer. I still haven't answered his insane texts. He even has my location tracker on! He knows where I am. Share Do you understand he is an abuser? 1
elaine567 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Today, 10:26 AM #4 thisistossup New Member Join Date: Feb 2015 I told Him I wasn't coming last night and he was livid. He said it showed I didn't really love him or want to see him.. I said no. I just think we would only have 4 hours together (2am to 6am) and he needed to do surgery in. The am! I asked him to stop lecturing me or insulting me on the phone. He wouldn't. Do I told him I loved him but I needed to get off the phone. He said I didn't get to control when the convo ends. So I eventually get him off the phone and he calls me 12 times in the middle of the night to FaceTime .. To prove no one is in my bed. I did not answer. I still haven't answered his INSANE texts. He even has my location tracker on! He knows where I am. Share ^^^In bold^^^ Run. 1
Author thisistossup Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I am seeing more of these signs ...but he makes points that resonate with me. He talks about how he wants someone who loves him just as much as he loves me. And he used to travel to my city almost daily. But i never asked. And I know that he did that many times because he said it helped soothe his fears that I was with someone else or meeting someone else. And I did the commute for awhile daily because I wanted him to know my level of commitment. But now. I just feel tired and manipulated.
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I am seeing more of these signs ...but he makes points that resonate with me. He talks about how he wants someone who loves him just as much as he loves me. And he used to travel to my city almost daily. But i never asked. And I know that he did that many times because he said it helped soothe his fears that I was with someone else or meeting someone else. And I did the commute for awhile daily because I wanted him to know my level of commitment. But now. I just feel tired and manipulated. That is the typical pattern of an abuser. They first sweep you off of your feet and once that is done they slowly start controlling and abusing you then first thing you know you are in a full blown abusive relationship and you did not see it coming. He talks about how he wants someone who loves him just as much as he loves me. ----> BS talking. 1
elaine567 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Wanting to control someone totally is not love, it is abuse. This commute ou are making is madness, and all because he doesn't trust you one inch. Wake up.
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 You feel tired & manipulated because you are tired of being manipulated. You are actually being abused. Location trackers are fine for employers so they know the employee is not slacking off. I don't even hate them for parents of kids so they can tell the kids are safe. In a relationship they are only used by evil abusers. I can't believe that you didn't hang up when he said that you can't control when the conversation is over. Honey, please please please run as far & as fast as you can. If you stay with him what happens when he abuses your kid? What message does it send the kid when mom puts up with this? He's a horror show. Get out while you still can before he kills you (or you die in a car accident driving long distances on no sleep) 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Op - what do you not understand here? Everyone is telling you that this GUY IS FREAKING INSANE!!!!!! Not one person on this board is going to tell you otherwise. If you REALLY want our honest "For the sake of your best interests" advice - do as we say and STOP SEEING HIM and STOP TALKING TO HIM!!!!! 1
bathtub-row Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 It doesn't matter what good things he has done. Nothing makes up for his really, really bad behavior. He wants to put you on a guilt trip and wants you to feel sorry for him. Abusers are the worst manipulators in the world! They do it because it works. Don't get sucked into his head games.
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