thisistossup Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I have been in a very up and down relationship with a man for the past 8 months. I had moved in with him and we were going to get engaged..but I started to notice he had control issues and anger management issues too... I moved back near my family 3 hours away -- and went back to work while we tried to work through some of this -- but he got very angry that left. He was not happy I went back to my old town. Anyway, early on in our relationship he went through my texts and found a flirtatious conversation with another man. I didn't say anything awful -- but I could understand how he was upset. He CALLED the guy and found out that we were basically just flirtatious friends. He took me back but he because crazy jealous. He used that as a excuse to grab my phone out of my hands and read every text I received -- including my girlfriends etc. I started trying to hide some of my texts or holding my phone close -- because it bothered me. Anyway, this led him to start mandating a location tracker shared on our phones --- and he would even call businesses that I said I had been to -- to see if I was really there. While I was moved back - he would call at 3am doing facetime demanding I walk him around my room/bed to prove no one was there. He just got insanely jealous. Anyway, 2 weekends ago I went back to his house and he was asking me to move back in with him. As I was eating dinner with him - a text came through. He grabbed my phone. It was from an out of town number. It was from a guy who is a friend of a friend -- who had messaged me the week before. I had told him THEN that I had a very jealous boyfriend and not to ask me out etc. He was cool -- said he understood...and the text that popped on my phone said something about restaurants in my town and "too bad ...we would have had fun". Well, my BF went nuts and thought that meant that I was going with him. I had never even SPOKEN to this man! Well my BF called him! He put me on speaker and the guy was like "hey...what's going on?" I sounded funny because I was witnessing my BF freaking out and flailing his hands and this man who had never even heard my voice..said .."I know we've never spoken before...but are you ok? You sound upset or something?" I said yes - I'm okay - sorry. I told him I'd call him back. Well, my BF was super angry. I was really scared...because he was screaming and pounding on the counters. He accused me of cheating, of course. He then called the guy back. The guy told him also that we had never even spoken before....and we didn't really even know each other. He told my BF that I had even told him about him and warned him that he was very jealous. So as soon as he got off the phone I grabbed my phone back. He was not happy. I started goggling for a cab - since I didn't have a car. My BF went and tried to stop me and inspect what I was doing. He said HE would drive me home --3 hours. but I didn't want to get in a car with him. Well just as this was going down -- this guy texted "are you ok?" I said "no" and I quickly deleted the text. He didn't know where I lived -- but he called 911. I didn't know that. So As I ran to pick up my belongings...I quietly called 911 and just dialed it. I just wanted to get the argument online and hope someone would come -- just in case. My therapist had said that she feared with all the control issues that my bf could be dangerous. Well, my BF told me that if the cops showed up he was going to tell the cops that I broke into his house! I freaked out and ran to the door. He said -- no no -- I won't -- but this is how angry you make me. As I went to the door the cops were there.... and they asked what happened. I told them I had not been hurt...however, I wanted to put it on the record I did NOT break into the house. I asked to leave and told them I did not want my bf arrested. Well, they arrested him for interfering with a 911 call! They said his threat to me -- was enough to get that charge. And they took me to a hotel and him to jail. My ex bf is a very prominent person in the area and needs a license to work and says he may lose his entire career and livelihood because of "what you did.." He says that I got him thrown in jail. He went from very angry ---to now begging me to come back home. He asks if I would talk to the District Attorney and try to get this cleared up.... anyway -- I am feeling very guilty and worried about him -- and also very weak. He says he still wants to be with me etc etc...and I am very torn. I ask -- what would you do? Would you feel guilty? Would you continue this relationship?
aussietigerwolf Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 F... No! Run away from this guy as far and as fast as you can! Block him on everything you can and DON'T try to get him out of the trouble HE got himself into. 4
Auspecial Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Read. The. News. Every day, all day, people (usually women) are killed or severely injured by domestic violence. You are making excuses and kidding yourself that things he has done are "just because he loves you so much" and he is "just insecure." This is very typical victim expression, you are definitely not alone. I think he is jerking at your heart strings, telling you he will lose a professional license. What he has been doing is threatening and very disturbing, and has been escalating and will continue to escalate. But what he's done won't sot him his livelihood. He just wants you to think that. Find support groups in your area and get away from this destructive person, before its too late, and you move in with him, marry him, have a child with him, or.....something worse happens. 1
Echo74 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 As previously stated…RUN!!! Of course he would blame YOU for his problems. His so called insecurities are to control you. There are so many truly good guys who will respect you and trust you. Do NOT let him control you! 2
Author thisistossup Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you -- he's actually a doctor. So, he could in fact, get fired. But, I did not request that he get arrested! In fact, the cops said it was the state not me -- pressing charges. They just heard enough about the threats of burglary -- to charge him. The problem according to my BF is that this was "just angry threat" and that he would Never do that -- that he would Never hurt me -- like I hurt him..... And he's still begging me to "come home.." Read. The. News. Every day, all day, people (usually women) are killed or severely injured by domestic violence. You are making excuses and kidding yourself that things he has done are "just because he loves you so much" and he is "just insecure." This is very typical victim expression, you are definitely not alone. I think he is jerking at your heart strings, telling you he will lose a professional license. What he has been doing is threatening and very disturbing, and has been escalating and will continue to escalate. But what he's done won't sot him his livelihood. He just wants you to think that. Find support groups in your area and get away from this destructive person, before its too late, and you move in with him, marry him, have a child with him, or.....something worse happens.
beyondcrushed Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Stay away from him. Period. Wow. He has no insight into his issues i.e. extreme insecurity. Which triggers his extreme jealousy which triggers his EXTREME controlling behaviour. And seems like he won't ever get help to try and address or manage it. He thinks it's ok and normal to do this when he's angry. To have no control over himself. He will never change. And you will live this life with him, in a bubble, forever. Is that what you want? But if you really want to help him get the charges dropped, look into it. Do it. Then never speak to him again. 2
Echo74 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you -- he's actually a doctor. So, he could in fact, get fired. But, I did not request that he get arrested! In fact, the cops said it was the state not me -- pressing charges. They just heard enough about the threats of burglary -- to charge him. The problem according to my BF is that this was "just angry threat" and that he would Never do that -- that he would Never hurt me -- like I hurt him..... And he's still begging me to "come home.." Oh please! Doesn't matter what he does for a living. Even doctors can and have abused their spouse. When someone is so jealous, that's already a bad sign. He stated it was "just angry threat" and that he would Never do that -- that he would Never hurt me -- like I hurt him. "Begging" for you to come home. Geez! And he still blames YOU! It seems like you are intent to defend his actions and go back to him. Please research on abused women and how abusers behave. Please don't end up being another statistic. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Wow op can't believe you stayed in that for so long. Glad you made it through unhurt (physically anyway). Don't look back, and don't feel sorry for this guy. He is getting what he deserves and hopefully he will be mandated anger management or something. 1
Buddhist Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 What would I do? I would run as fast as I can. Move into a place where he does not know the address, change my mobile number and all my email addresses too. I can't believe this is even a choice for you. The guy is insanely jealous and violent, how many other red flags do you need? 3
LostOnes05 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 So I don't blame him for being upset about the flirtatious texts he found on your phone. If some guy was calling or texting my girlfriend's phone talking about dinner plans I'd ask what was going on too. I'd ask how you knew him, how he got your number, does he know about us, and why you haven't blocked his number knowing his intentions? These are all valid questions. Let's be honest, a guy continuing to ask a woman out to dinner when he knows she is in a relationship is quite disrespectful. But the way he handled it was completely inappropriate. If he was that upset about it he should have discussed it like an adult, broken up with you immediately and said have fun at dinner. Dude is a control freak, and it seems like the only person he can't control is himself! Now, what is it going to take for you to understand your predicament and get a backbone. Does he have to give you a black eye, choke you, or worse for you to realize that this is not a good situation for you to be in? Because that sounds like the next step in your relationship. Leave him. He won't lose his license but he may have to answer to a board as to why he was arrested. Definitely a blemish on his personal and professional record. He will probably face a misdemeanor charge for interfering with the 911 call, if it sticks. I'd suggest he take some anger management classes or see a counselor and you get some help as well. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Are you out of your damn mind, woman? Why - even for a moment - would you consider continuing this toxic excuse for a relationship? 1) Your "boyfriend" is an abusive, controlling ass. Full-stop. 2) You need to learn some boundaries. Flirting with friends while you're in a relationship isn't cool. But you also need to learn to create boundaries to protect yourself. Your boyfriend's behaviour is unacceptable and you have been his doormat for too long. It doesn't matter if he's "prominent." This relationship is doomed. 3
Toodaloo Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Delete, block do it all and for goodness sake do not ever go back. Stay with people who look after you. Do not feel at all guilty. 2
guest569 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 You should NOT feel guilty at all. He is the one who should feel bad, for putting you through this and emotionally abusing you. Your therapist is right, this guy sounds very dangerous. Avoid him altogether. His behaviour and the way he treated you is unacceptable. 1
Trimmer Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 The problem according to my BF is that this was "just angry threat" and that he would Never do that -- that he would Never hurt me -- like I hurt him..... Then he should be quite capable of making that argument to the investigators and a jury. Let him fix the situation HE created by making the threats. And don't fall for the "you made me do it" bullshxt... And he's still begging me to "come home.." No. Just don't. You know the stove is hot, you don't need to put your hand on it and get burned to test it out. Be sensible - look at how he interacts with you. Do you really want this? Do you really need this?
No Limit Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 He's controlling bordering on abusive. Get out of there, quickly!
GoBlue Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Co-habitation is never a good way to prepare for marriage. Love is about commitment and self-sacrifice - does this sound like your relationship? Dating is about finding a person you can make that kind of a commitment to and who wants to make that kind of commitment to you. If that doesn't seem like a possibility than I am always for moving on.
Trimmer Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Co-habitation is never a good way to prepare for marriage. Interesting thought. In this case however, it seems that it helped reveal the problems in their relationship very clearly. Perhaps it would have taken longer (or perhaps not come fully to light until after they were married) if they hadn't had some practice at living closely together. 1
guest569 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Thats a very simple way of looking at relationships. What good is commitment if the guy is a lunatic?. Sorry.
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