black hole Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) This is going to be a long one, but I just need to get this off my chest and hopefully feel a little better. I'm pretty bad at expressing my feelings, probably even worse when doing that in a non-native language, so bear with me. We broke up on Wednesday after a 3 year relationship. I haven't slept since, I can't really eat, I can't focus on anything. I feel like something's tearing me up from the inside and, other activities or no, it feels like there's just nothing I can do that'd make it go away for more than 5 minutes... All I want right now is to talk to someone about it. She was my best friend and with her gone, it feels like there isn't anybody I can turn to. I mean, I did skype with one friend, I went out to get a drink with another one, but then I just get back to feeling completely and utterly devastated. I'm an introvert and so, being in a relationship, I didn't really feel the need to go out and get more friends. I can't call anybody, there's no party that I'm going to be invited to, no more friends to talk to. I feel completely alone with this great pain... I figured that the best course of action would be to remove every item that reminds me of her from my surroundings, but that doesn't help, since my daily routines are different now. There are pieces of my life missing and each missing piece reminds me and adds more pain. Our relationship had kind of a rough beginning. She was the one to initiate contact. We both had a lot of issues that we needed to deal with in our lives, we'd been through a lot and we'd had a lot of similar experiences in our lives that brought us closer together. We helped each other tremendously. I don't remember the number of times she'd fall asleep with me watching and keeping her safe. We would also skype every night until very late. At that point I was 28 and she was 20, so I was much older and I didn't want to burden her with all my stuff. My life was a bit of a mess and I was suffering from panic attacks. That is why I tried pushing her away. She wouldn't let me. I tried breaking up around 4-5 months into the relationship, at which point she told me that she loves me. I couldn't leave her, because I loved her too. More than anyone else. (I'm crying as I write this stuff...) We had our little misunderstandings and fights, but there wasn't anything major or worth mentioning until almost 2 years in. She first got her first serious job and that seemed to have changed her. When she talked about people, it felt like she'd changed from this loving, mildly timid, emphatic person to being rather uncaring, egoistical, full of herself. She'd also act differently towards me. I felt she was cold, distant, less interested in telling me about her day, hearing about mine etc. Even though I needed her support, as I was dealing with some issues. Naturally, her changed attitude made me nervous and uncertain about her feelings for me, so my attitude changed as well. It felt like "something was up" and after boiling for about a week or two it eventually erupted in a big fight. That's when she said for the first time, tears in her eyes and everything, that, even though she loves me very much, that we shouldn't be together anymore. I asked what her reasons were and she told me that she'd been thinking about this for a long time. That our relationship had been unhealthy for a few months, even though during that time we pretty much had one of the best times of our lives vacationing together and were genuinely happy. It was a bad excuse. It felt like, after all the things I did for her, after always being there for her, helping her with her health, family, school issues, she simply didn't need me anymore or maybe wanted to look for someone better and decided to throw me away like an old toy. I said to myself then, "hey, maybe she's just having a hard time. If you ever loved her, now's the time to fight for her." And I did. I told her how much I loved her and that I'd do anything in my power to fix whatever was broken in our relationship, even though, to this day (over a year later) I'm still not sure what it was. Lots of tears, kissing, confessing love for each other and we were back together. I've never fully healed after that, since I wasn't sure what the problem was and she never specifically told me what it was that I did that made her want to break up with me. I felt like I wasn't allowed to burden her with my problems anymore, so every time I was having some problems in my life I'd be more concerned about how they'd affect our relationship rather than myself. Other than that, everything was fine until a few months later. She discovered something about me that I should've told her about earlier. Got mad at me, can't blame her. She decided to forgive me. Fast forward a couple of months and we're back to almost exactly a year after our first big fight and the exact same situation, where she starts a new job, seems extremely satisfied with herself and increasingly cold and distant towards me. This time the reason for the break up is something else, though: she can't get over the fact that I kept secrets from her. Fine. I get that, I screwed up. At least this time I know what I did. I ask her for one more chance. Everything's fine for a few months again until now. Just like before, there was this 1-2 week period during which she'd grow increasingly distant. There was no fight this time. She shows up and says that we can't be together anymore. She informs me that she's going to try and get back with her previous boyfriend who she recently got in contact with and talked to. She then says that it's all her fault and that she wouldn't be surprised if I wanted to hit her now. I was like WTF?! We were not that kind of couple, I'd never hit her. I pointed at the door without saying a word. She said "I'm sorry" and left. From my point of view, those were the only blemishes on our now defunct relationship. The three years I've spent with her were the best years of my life. She was the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate and I'd do anything to get her back if we could avoid these kinds of situations in the future. I doubt there's an old boyfriend in the equation (she wouldn't have any time for that.) She most likely just said that to make me mad at her so I wouldn't attempt to stop her from leaving. I don't know whether I should contact her or what... All I know is that the pain is unbearable and I wish I could fix this. Edited February 26, 2015 by black hole
neildc Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Sorry to hear about the recent break up man, just know you are definitely not alone. I was also recently in your position (in regards to the feelings you are having). She is consuming every moment of your day, you wake up thinking about her, you can't sleep, eat regularly, it affects you at work, everything. As an outsider, it seems to me like she was a selfish person who didn't recognize what she had. You should never have to settle for someone that forces you to suppress your feelings, problems, etc. A relationship requires commitment from BOTH parties. Regardless of whatever your secret was, there was no excuse for her behavior towards you (being distant, attitude changes). You shouldn't have to force someone to invest themselves in the relationship and take a genuine interest in you. You sound like a decent guy and deserve better than her. I know it seems like the only thing you want in life right now is to be back with her, but you will eventually heal and in time, find someone that loves you and wants to be your everything. Believe me, I just in the past month went through the same type of heart break you are going through. I couldn't even function for a good two weeks, but things are SLOWLY getting better. I still miss her dearly, but I have realized wasting another minute of my life on someone that has checked out is an unbelievably unproductive waste of time. Stay busy, rebuild friendships, meet new people, start doing things you enjoy. Most importantly, don't waste any more time on someone who doesn't care about you or you struggles and feelings. I'm by no means an expert and I'll let the others who are on this site give you better advice, but I just wanted to speak up because I can relate to your current feeling of despair. I have wasted over a month and half of my life consumed by a woman that is probably not even thinking about me. Don't make the same mistake as the rest of us (I know, a LOT easier said than done). Best of luck man, keep your head up. 1
sabd Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 black hole, its perfectly normal for you to be as unsettled as you are right now - the lack of appetite, not being able to sleep, the pain and loneliness - your hurt is still so fresh so be kind to yourself and accept the situation for what it is at the moment. Understand that its going to take time to get over this, its a big loss to get over. Keep posting here when you need someone to talk to, when you need to vent, ask questions and want support. This forum is full of people who have been or are going through very similar difficulties and everyone here understands the confusion, hurt, anger and emptiness. I wouldn't contact her. You need to focus on YOU now, paying particular attention to meeting new people as this seems to be where you have a void in your life. Take some deep breaths, know that you are strong and you WILL get through this, however long it takes. 1
Author black hole Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks for the replies. In a peculiar way it helps to hear that I'm not the only one suffering like this and other people somehow got through that. I guess I need to clarify that the break up took place on Tuesday, not Wednesday, so this is the third day. I didn't know what was happening or what day it was when writing my previous post. I have to say I feel much better after having thought a lot of it through. All the conversations we've had, all the conversations we could have etc. I'm not sure whether it's a temporary improvement, but right now I think I'm more upset and angry with her than sad. Maybe it's my self-defense mechanism, or maybe I'm just not deluding myself about her anymore. I slept surprisingly well after my first post here, though my stomach is still in knots in the morning, my appetite is gone - I basically force myself to eat, and I feel like I have no self-esteem left to speak of... That and I still feel extremely lonely most of the time. Anger or sadness, the fact remains that a huge part of my life is missing. neildc, you're probably right about her being selfish. We were on a trip once in some mountain cabin, we got light food poisoning from something we ate earlier. I had some chicken soup left, so I figured that it'd be good to soothe the stomach ache. I put all of it in a mug and gave it to her first of course, since she's a woman and I'm supposed to be taking care of her... Anyway, a few minutes pass, she says the soup helped and she's feeling much better. She hands me the mug, it's empty. She knew it was all the soup we had, she drank it all anyway, while I was sitting right next to her. I was pretty upset, told her how I felt about it and we got into a bit of a fight. It ended the usual way, with her crying and me apologizing. So there was quite a bit of stuff like this going on during those 3 years that made me feel like I was getting the short end of the bargain, but I ascribed it to my pettiness and usually didn't even say anything, since everything else in our relationship seemed pretty wonderful. I didn't want to argue and destroy that. But even if we did argue, there'd be no screaming, name-calling or anything like that, ever. We just talked. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm really confused about what happened. She says she loves me with all her heart, but we we can't be together, while I'm doing pretty much all I can to be the best possible partner she could hope for. Not to mention I'm doing ok providing for myself, I'm going to the gym, she finds me attractive, the sex was great. What else is there? How does that even make sense? What the **** have I done to deserve this? We used to keep in touch, call and text each other every morning, every evening, every couple of hrs every single day we were apart. It was a little more than a month ago that my phone froze up and it'd automatically reject all incoming calls, and wouldn't deliver any text messages. Since it seemed like I was rejecting her calls and not replying to her texts, she then proceeded to try and call me on skype and even e-mail me, but I wasn't checking skype or e-mail, since I was busy. When I finally realized she was trying to contact me and called her, she was hysterical. She said she thought I was purposefully rejecting her calls and ignoring her and wanted to leave her, that she thought I didn't love her anymore, despite the fact that she had no reason to think that. Everything was fine between us. I assured her everything was fine and she cried with relief, telling me how much she loved me and that she never wants to lose me etc. How do you go from that to breaking up? Nothing significant has happened since then, we haven't argued, I haven't done anything. Would somebody help me make sense of all this? I'm aware that I could've made her stay and that I could still talk to her and fix this, yet I'm going full NC since the first day. I feel like enough of a sucker for letting this go on for so long and basically begging her to stay the previous two times (like I said, it was pretty much the exact same situation, exact same tension leading up to the fight.) After which she was thankful she did. And there were a lot of incredible moments we've shared since. But the ball is in her court now. She could come back and fix this if she wanted (unless there really is an ex-boyfriend involved,) and I still hope she does. I just don't know whether I should do something or just wait.
Holmes85 Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) This is going to be a long one, but I just need to get this off my chest and hopefully feel a little better. I'm pretty bad at expressing my feelings, probably even worse when doing that in a non-native language, so bear with me. We broke up on Wednesday after a 3 year relationship. I haven't slept since, I can't really eat, I can't focus on anything. I feel like something's tearing me up from the inside and, other activities or no, it feels like there's just nothing I can do that'd make it go away for more than 5 minutes... All I want right now is to talk to someone about it. She was my best friend and with her gone, it feels like there isn't anybody I can turn to. I mean, I did skype with one friend, I went out to get a drink with another one, but then I just get back to feeling completely and utterly devastated. I'm an introvert and so, being in a relationship, I didn't really feel the need to go out and get more friends. I can't call anybody, there's no party that I'm going to be invited to, no more friends to talk to. I feel completely alone with this great pain... I figured that the best course of action would be to remove every item that reminds me of her from my surroundings, but that doesn't help, since my daily routines are different now. There are pieces of my life missing and each missing piece reminds me and adds more pain. Our relationship had kind of a rough beginning. She was the one to initiate contact. We both had a lot of issues that we needed to deal with in our lives, we'd been through a lot and we'd had a lot of similar experiences in our lives that brought us closer together. We helped each other tremendously. I don't remember the number of times she'd fall asleep with me watching and keeping her safe. We would also skype every night until very late. At that point I was 28 and she was 20, so I was much older and I didn't want to burden her with all my stuff. My life was a bit of a mess and I was suffering from panic attacks. That is why I tried pushing her away. She wouldn't let me. I tried breaking up around 4-5 months into the relationship, at which point she told me that she loves me. I couldn't leave her, because I loved her too. More than anyone else. (I'm crying as I write this stuff...) We had our little misunderstandings and fights, but there wasn't anything major or worth mentioning until almost 2 years in. She first got her first serious job and that seemed to have changed her. When she talked about people, it felt like she'd changed from this loving, mildly timid, emphatic person to being rather uncaring, egoistical, full of herself. She'd also act differently towards me. I felt she was cold, distant, less interested in telling me about her day, hearing about mine etc. Even though I needed her support, as I was dealing with some issues. Naturally, her changed attitude made me nervous and uncertain about her feelings for me, so my attitude changed as well. It felt like "something was up" and after boiling for about a week or two it eventually erupted in a big fight. That's when she said for the first time, tears in her eyes and everything, that, even though she loves me very much, that we shouldn't be together anymore. I asked what her reasons were and she told me that she'd been thinking about this for a long time. That our relationship had been unhealthy for a few months, even though during that time we pretty much had one of the best times of our lives vacationing together and were genuinely happy. It was a bad excuse. It felt like, after all the things I did for her, after always being there for her, helping her with her health, family, school issues, she simply didn't need me anymore or maybe wanted to look for someone better and decided to throw me away like an old toy. I said to myself then, "hey, maybe she's just having a hard time. If you ever loved her, now's the time to fight for her." And I did. I told her how much I loved her and that I'd do anything in my power to fix whatever was broken in our relationship, even though, to this day (over a year later) I'm still not sure what it was. Lots of tears, kissing, confessing love for each other and we were back together. I've never fully healed after that, since I wasn't sure what the problem was and she never specifically told me what it was that I did that made her want to break up with me. I felt like I wasn't allowed to burden her with my problems anymore, so every time I was having some problems in my life I'd be more concerned about how they'd affect our relationship rather than myself. Other than that, everything was fine until a few months later. She discovered something about me that I should've told her about earlier. Got mad at me, can't blame her. She decided to forgive me. Fast forward a couple of months and we're back to almost exactly a year after our first big fight and the exact same situation, where she starts a new job, seems extremely satisfied with herself and increasingly cold and distant towards me. This time the reason for the break up is something else, though: she can't get over the fact that I kept secrets from her. Fine. I get that, I screwed up. At least this time I know what I did. I ask her for one more chance. Everything's fine for a few months again until now. Just like before, there was this 1-2 week period during which she'd grow increasingly distant. There was no fight this time. She shows up and says that we can't be together anymore. She informs me that she's going to try and get back with her previous boyfriend who she recently got in contact with and talked to. She then says that it's all her fault and that she wouldn't be surprised if I wanted to hit her now. I was like WTF?! We were not that kind of couple, I'd never hit her. I pointed at the door without saying a word. She said "I'm sorry" and left. From my point of view, those were the only blemishes on our now defunct relationship. The three years I've spent with her were the best years of my life. She was the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate and I'd do anything to get her back if we could avoid these kinds of situations in the future. I doubt there's an old boyfriend in the equation (she wouldn't have any time for that.) She most likely just said that to make me mad at her so I wouldn't attempt to stop her from leaving. I don't know whether I should contact her or what... All I know is that the pain is unbearable and I wish I could fix this. Black hole, You have been treating this girl like a princess, she on the other hand has been treating you like garbage. She's unloading all of the emotional garbage on you, giving you petty reasons for a breakup. The breakup was playing on her mind for a long time, the reason for her breaking up with you was because she was interested in someone else (which you had to find out the hard way). Honestly disappear from this girls life, unfriend her from everywhere, delete her number, she should remain in the dark about you, she wanted a breakup right? Give her exactly what she asked for. Distance yourself from her, you are in a very emotional state right now, you would be making a rollarcoaster of mistakes if you keep in contact with her. The only time you would think clearly is when you start thinking logically instead of emotionally. Based on what you have written, I can assure you that there was nothing you did wrong in the relationship, you are second guessing everything by backtracking on things and thinking "maybe it was because of this, maybe it was because of that", well it isn't. She needed any excuse to breakup with you, since you weren't giving her a proper one, she had to do it herself. You were with her for 3 years, she tossed you out like garbage and jumps into another relationship smoothly. The chances are this guy was in the picture for a long time, the question you have to ask yourself is, do you honestly want someone who was flirting behind your back while she was in a relationship with you? There are 2 kinds of cheating, one is emotional and one is physical, it doesn't matter which one it is, you feel the effect of both the same way. Drop contact with this trainwreck, let her fly to the new guy and live the honeymoon phase, once the new guy starts messing up, she's automatically going to start thinking about you, weeks would go by and the fear would engulf her that you would meet someone else and eventually she would contact you, but then it's up to you decide whether you want her back or not. But for now, disappear from her life, start getting your selfesteem back, who knows after some time have passed you might not even want her anymore, take the first step today and start improving yourself and by the end of this year I can promise you that you would be in much better condition compared to your current state and who knows along your way you would find someone who shares the same values as you in a relationship and doesn't toss you out like garbage. Edited February 27, 2015 by Holmes85 ! 1
mightycpa Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 We both had a lot of issues that we needed to deal with in our lives, we'd been through a lot and we'd had a lot of similar experiences in our lives that brought us closer together. We helped each other tremendously. That can bring two people together very easily. It is important to note that you were brought together by common experience rather than through personality attraction. I was much older My life was a bit of a mess I was suffering from panic attacks. I tried pushing her away. She wouldn't let me. I tried breaking up I couldn't leave her I felt she was cold, distant, less interested Even though I needed her support I was dealing with some issues she said for the first time we shouldn't be together anymore we were back together. I've never fully healed after that She discovered something about me that I should've told her about earlier break up is something else, though, I screwed up I ask her for one more chance She shows up and says that we can't be together anymore She's going to try and get back with her previous boyfriend I pointed at the door She said "I'm sorry" and left The three years I've spent with her were the best years of my life not to hear you tell it, they weren't. I don't know whether I should contact her or what...Don't. the pain is unbearable and I wish I could fix this.You can't fix it, and the pain is bearable. In the three attempts it has taken you to break up, she's grown more and more distance and disinterested. Even if you were to get back together, you can't make it last. You can get through the pain. You just have to feel it first, you have to walk through that fire. It isn't easy, and it takes a long time. Before people can help you with that, you have to convince yourself that you're done. I don't think you're even there yet. 1
Chi townD Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 But the ball is in her court now. She could come back and fix this if she wanted (unless there really is an ex-boyfriend involved,) and I still hope she does. I just don't know whether I should do something or just wait. Dude, why would you want her back. She basically told you that she was leaving you for another guy. She got in contact with him, they've been in communication and left you for him. Before she left, she stated that you would have every right to be physically violent with her. That is a level of guilt that tells me she's probably already has met up with this guy. Dude, just move on with your life. Go NC. Sooner or later (when the honeymoon phase of her renewed relationship with a prior boyfriend cools off) she's going to reach out to you. And it's not to try and get back with you, it's to see where your head is at and to see if you hate her. Just ignore it, dude. 1
Author black hole Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) You were with her for 3 years, she tossed you out like garbage and jumps into another relationship smoothly. The chances are this guy was in the picture for a long time, the question you have to ask yourself is, do you honestly want someone who was flirting behind your back while she was in a relationship with you? The previous two times I asked her whether it was because she'd met someone. She always said no. So I considered that she might've said that now, because she knew that it was something that'd let her get out of the relationship. I'm probably overanalyzing this and just being dumb because I love her. And besides, there's no way I could possibly find out whether she was telling the truth or not and trust her again. I can't imagine myself in a relationship with another woman, even after all this. Much less negotiating any kind of relationship with someone while being with her... If she really was talking to someone else all this time, to me, that's incomprehensible and unforgivable. That can bring two people together very easily. It is important to note that you were brought together by common experience rather than through personality attraction. Yeah, I guess when you read my posts it seems like our entire relationship consisted of nothing else but endless issues, arguments, but that's far from the truth. Our compatible personalities, outlook on life, sense of humor, taste in things etc. is what made the bond so strong. Her growing distant and disinterested was a relatively short process that came around 2 weeks before each break up. I would've never decided to be with her if she acted the way she did during the cold periods. It wasn't like her at all... That's the reason why I'm so confused. It's like sometimes, for some unknown reason, she'd become an entirely different person. And yes, those 3 years were the best years of my life. Unfortunately, you're probably right about the rest. Before she left, she stated that you would have every right to be physically violent with her. That is a level of guilt that tells me she's probably already has met up with this guy. I never looked at it this way. That seemed like such an insane thing to say to me. I was never violent with her. Never even yelled. She might've even told me that they've already met. I don't know. I was in such shock at that point I wasn't fully registering what she was saying. I also remember that she said he's probably going to hurt her again, like he did before, but she's going to go through with it anyway... Leave me for him. Sooner or later (when the honeymoon phase of her renewed relationship with a prior boyfriend cools off) she's going to reach out to you. And it's not to try and get back with you, it's to see where your head is at and to see if you hate her. I'll continue NC. Why would she care if I hate her or not? Would knowing that I'm doing OK make her feel good about herself? I'm not going to return her calls or reply to her messages, but what if she comes to get her stuff or attempts to contact me in person? I don't think I need that right now. I thought being drunk would help. It doesn't. Though it doesn't make me feel any better, thanks for helping me see it for what it is. Edited February 27, 2015 by black hole forgot something
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