Dealing with a "serial monogamist"

[Stilnaught]

Hello folks,

 

to avoid "tl;dr" situations, i'll make a few sections in this post.

Summary: my girlfriend of (a bit more than) a year broke up with me just before New Year's eve. The problem lies in the fact that i see her constantly, and the way she behaves/i keep thinking about her.

 

Her background (note: mostly based on her accounts)

 

She got bullied in high school. More like a "friend turned enemy" thing, saying nasty things to her and spoiling secrets. She had virtually no friends, except a few at her home area.

 

At college, she got shown around by a (much) older student, 6 years her senior. She developed feelings, they got together for a month, but he broke off because he didn't like the setting (her age and her issues).

2 months later, she meets a guy at a fraternity. They started dating, and a relationship developed. 4 months later, in the middle of the end-of-year exams, she broke it off. "too much arguments", is what she told me constantly about it.

 

Her parents grounded her, since she ***ed up her exams, and after the summer, we met. In the meanwhile, she had developed feelings for the first guy once again, since he comforted her (through internet chat).

We were just friends, since we met constantly and i knew her second ex pretty well (and he was pretty upset about what she did and said at the end). We talked, talked and talked, in the end we started seeing movies together, and suddenly, we found ourselves looking at one another instead of the screen ...

 

A little sidenote on her parents: she's practically at war with them. She openly declared interest in running away at home with her bank account money, and constantly argued with them. Her mother was "protective", her father a bit obnoxious, and she herself couldn't argue without yelling or being insulted.

 

Our relationship

Her best friends also started relationships in the same month (in retrospect, i find this a bit fishy, since we were the last ones ...). We partied, dated, had one-on-one time at my dorm etc etc. Honeymoon fase, i guess.

 

A sidenote i must mention: she kept talking **** about ex #2. Every time we saw him, even when our relationship was turning sour, she'd act all lovey dovey around me, until he was out of sight. He defriended her on facebook soon after we got together, even though he was no longer single himself. He ignores her still, and she "doesn't understand why".

ex #1 had started ignoring her because he was tired of her drama. She fought with him every other day, became emotionally invested in the strangest things, and bombed him with her anxieties. She had sleepless nights over this.

 

Then the first cracks appeared. Somehow, she collects people who are nice to her. I always thought it to be a reaction to her solitude in her high school years, but to an extent it became annoying, if she even tried to keep guys who hit on her "as friends". There even was a guy who declared interest in her, the very night of our first party at a couple.

She's also a people pleaser. Her friends are of divine status, even though she has insecurities about them (these friends are actually the friend group of her best friend at home, who she "invaded"). I tried to leave her as free as possible with her friends, but somehow she seemed to blame me a bit for "taking too much time away from her friends". This grew throughout the passing months.

 

In early summer, disaster struck. I got a triple hospital-acquired infection from a stupid standard procedure, where they entered a wound in my leg. It was a scary but not-to-threatening thing, but most of all: the antibiotics destroyed me. They purged me of all bacteria, good and bad, and along with it my resistance died, my muscles slowly melted and i just became numb.

I failed my exams because of this (i missed some, and at the ones i tried to complete, my body literally broke. Random bleedings, fainting, weakness, ...). Since i was already behind on regular schedule, i quit daytime school and decided to 'redo' my year in a sort of exam-only schedule.

My girlfriend was there for me, i've got to mention that. Yet, she put pressure on me quite often about the exams.

 

September-october-november were hard months. I got a full-time job right away, but i was terribly weak and tired all the time. This put a strain on my entire life, even though i tried to do the best i could for my girlfriend. Yet, she slowly seemed to drift away, if i look back at it now. Most of all: she didn't show any interest in whatever i did. Never a question about work, about school, about my interests, about whatever i am or do. Only small-talk, about things what we were going to do, love comments, ...

She started using "i can't see you, i have to study" more and more often, beyond the appropriate proportions. She also often refused to "plan" dates/meetings, as she "didn't know when she'd be ready studying".

 

And then december came.

 

The month of doom

 

in december, we went away for a weekend for my birthday. Sweet presents (teddy bear, clock with picture of us and "the best day ever" with our anniversary date, etc), doing fun things together, ... It was awesome. But then she had exams. And she started raging at me through chat. I wasn't allowed to see her often ("i can't focus when i've seen you", "you'd stay too long"), and she randomly bursted into accusations about my studies ("you've done nothing yet", "i want a boyfriend who actually achieves anything"). This was WITHOUT any good reason, as she knew my "battle plan" for my own exams this january, and i was ahead off schedule since early december.

Suddenly i wasn't allowed to see her anymore "until i had studied at least 1 entire course", a lot of drama, me constanly poking her to tell me what's wrong, ...

In the end, we did some fun stuff too, like going to the movies. But whenever we were apart, she'd rage through chat. She ignored me when i asked her how i could support her in her exams ("you should know"), i was controlling her when i asked how her class' christmas party went, ...

I have to admit; i bombed her about with "what's going on" style questions, because i didn't understand a bit of it.

Suddenly, "i miss ex#1, at least he was able to support me" comments became rampant. There, i started seeing the fatality of our situation most clearly ...

 

At christmas evening, i stayed over at her place for a double family meal. Fun days, presents, nothing wrong, we even cuddled and all ...

Then we wouldn't see each other 'til new years' eve, but she suddenly stood at my door the day after yet another chat argument. She said she loved and missed me, the day before, with hearts and all.

She just said "i think you know why i'm here", and tried to leave crying. I convinced her to come in, but she just gave me "the wall" (saying nothing, just trying to leave whenever she felt offended or gave me offences back).

 

Aftermath

 

i was devastated. New Year was hell, i bombed her a little too much with "please tell me why this happened" type messages, and she blocked me just before our january exams.

 

I kept radio silence through the exams, and sent her a lettre afterwards. In it stood that i'd done some self reflection, saw a few mistakes of my own, and that i wanted to talk to gain some understanding at least.

She answered something that could be simplified as "i'm not ready to talk yet, but it's over, accept it". I made the mistake to say that this was a horrible and loveless way to break up, got blocked again, and never heard her since.

 

However ... i see her constantly at events and parties. I have sent a few (3 i think) messages since, always asking if she's ready to talk and at least make this bearable, but i get nothing. Her friends defriended me right away, even one who said "she would talk to her to see if we couldn't have a chat".

And she flirts with other guys (mostly the one who declared interest in her when we got together), tries to kill me with her gaze every now and then, and people tell me how obviously she turns her back to me whenever possible. Childish and sad ...

 

My actual question

I miss her, but i know it would be a smarter move to date a nuclear missile and slap it with a hammer every night. It suddenly dawned to me how she's incapable of being alone (both on a friend and a relation basis), and how soon she "trades" guys and how cheap her love you's are. I've been blind, mostly in my misery at the final months. And i also see that ex #1 is in her mind whenever **** turns sour in her relationships.

 

She's constantly looking for someone to "protect her" and to be there for her, but i don't think she knows what love is. She just trades guys whenever things go ill, and refuses to face her problems.

 

However, i keep thinking about her. And i see her constantly. How the hell should i deal with this, especially since there is neither closure nor room for conversation with her? And i expect her to find her next victim for emotional abuse very soon ...

[Downtown]

How the hell should i deal with this, especially since there is neither closure nor room for conversation with her? And i expect her to find her next victim for emotional abuse very soon ...

Stilnaught, you claim that your exGF is emotionally abusive but don't really tell us how bad that was. The closest you get to describing it is your general remarks about her frequently creating drama, often arguing by "yelling and being insulting," and "raging" in her text messages. It would be helpful -- for purposes of this discussion -- if you would be more specific about how often she did the "raging" -- and what it was about -- so we have a better understanding of how abusive this young woman actually was to you.

 

I am asking about this because it is common -- for a woman in her early twenties -- to occasionally be angry when she is terminating a relationship. At issue, then, is whether her anger and rages went well past what is normal and thus constituted, as you say, emotional abuse.

[Stilnaught]

Stilnaught, you claim that your exGF is emotionally abusive but don't really tell us how bad that was. The closest you get to describing it is your general remarks about her frequently creating drama, often arguing by "yelling and being insulting," and "raging" in her text messages. It would be helpful -- for purposes of this discussion -- if you would be more specific about how often she did the "raging" -- and what it was about -- so we have a better understanding of how abusive this young woman actually was to you.

 

I am asking about this because it is common -- for a woman in her early twenties -- to occasionally be angry when she is terminating a relationship. At issue, then, is whether her anger and rages went well past what is normal and thus constituted, as you say, emotional abuse.

 

Ah, i see what you mean, i left out those details indeed.

 

Nothing wrong at the start. The only thing she couldn't take was criticism, she would react like a child (running away, crying, etc) whenever she felt insulted (even when it was just a misinterpretation).

 

I don't remember exactly when it started, but after a few months, she started to become bitchy whenever i wouldn't agree to doing things the way she intended. Along with that came bitchy comments, a little public drama, and the very first "harmful comments" about whatever that she could think of. Trying to hurt me just to get even, so to say. Things she never apologized about afterwards. I often found out she "forgot" what she exactly said to me.

 

In summer, things went pretty OK (the hospital thing made us a bit closer at first, i think). But when autumn came, she just started acting shallow. She wouldn't want us to go to my family parties (or at least, bail herself). Arguments always escalated at her side, making her say absurd stuff about things that had nothing to do with the actual argument ("from all the people who ever hurt me, you're the worst" is still a good one). When we were actually together, all was fine, but when we were apart and communicating digitally, sh*t would hit the fan at the most random times.

 

In december, like i mentioned, she'd give me pure hell about anything, not even just arguments but random drama or moments of ignoring. Saying i'm the love of her life when i'm around, and trying to pull me down when i'm not. Always accusing me of the things she does herself (not showing actual interest, making drama, not trying to make things work properly), ...

 

How i see it: the longer in, the more she wanted full control of the relationship, what we did and what i did ... Whenever i did something else, things would turn sour. Exactly what happened with her ex, i discovered lately ...

 

 

I've stayed to long i think, love makes one blind ...

Edited February 26, 2015 by Stilnaught

[PegNosePete]

However, i keep thinking about her. And i see her constantly.

Yes - cause and effect, right there.

If you deal with the second, then the first will solve itself (in time).

Cut her off, don't talk, email, facebook, etc. NC.

This is the beginning of your healing process.

 

You need to stop psychoanalyzing her and worrying about what her future holds, and start thinking about yourself and your own future.

 

Closure does not come from other people. Closure comes form yourself. You need to understand, she decided that she didn't want to be in the relationship any more. That is all the closure you need. She didn't want it any more, so she ended it. Further analysis than that, is not productive. It's over, that's all that matters and you need to heal and think about your future, not hold yourself in the past obsession about the where and why's of every little detail.

[Stilnaught]

Unfortunately, i'm a head event organiser. A bunch of her friends keep going to them, and she strolls along ... So i'm obliged to look at her every other week ...

[Downtown]

It suddenly dawned to me how she's incapable of being alone (both on a friend and a relation basis), and how soon she "trades" guys and how cheap her love you's are.... How the hell should i deal with this, especially since there is neither closure nor room for conversation with her?

Stilnaught, I suggest you "deal with it" by reading about the warning signs for personality disorders (PDs) to see if any seem to apply strongly. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has a full-blown PD but, rather, that she might have moderate to strong traits of one. Of course, you will not be able to diagnose her issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting strong occurrences of the warning signs if you take a little time to learn what's on the list of red flags.

 

Although I don't know what your exGF's issues are, I would suggest you start with reading about BPD (Borderline PD) and NPD (Narcissistic PD) warning signs. I mention these two PDs as a starting point because the fear of being alone -- which you mention -- is one of the hallmarks of BPDers and, to a lesser extent, of narcissists. Because BPDers have a weak, unstable sense of who they are, they typically HATE to be alone. They have a strong need to be around a person with a strong stable personality who will help to center and ground them.

 

Moreover, some other behaviors you mention -- e.g., frequently creating drama, being "emotionally abusive," frequently arguing by "yelling and being insulting," rapidly flipping between adoring you and devaluing you, forgetting what she said (i.e., rewriting history), projection ("accusing me of things she did herself"), and "raging" in her text messages -- are classic red flags for having strong BPD traits and/or narcissistic traits.

 

I therefore suggest you start by quickly looking at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Stilnaught.

[badpenny]

I have a neighbour's cat keeps coming in my garden. It always sits where I can see him. I never make eye contact with it, although I know at times, it's sitting outside the window, looking at me.

 

Sometimes, he takes comfort by lying on top of the bin.

 

I ignore it completely (I am not fond of cats, never have been).

I used to go to the bin and just lift the hinge lid, sending the cat flying. Don't worry, it's not a huge height, and it always landed safely. I didn't open the lid violently, just normally....)

 

After the third time, it got the hint and dismounted before I even reached the bin.

 

It still goes there, but keeps out of my way.

 

That's how you maintain No Contact, even if the 'cat' insists on entering your line of vision.

[Stilnaught]

Although I don't know what your exGF's issues are, I would suggest you start with reading about BPD (Borderline PD) and NPD (Narcissistic PD) warning signs. I mention these two PDs as a starting point because the fear of being alone -- which you mention -- is one of the hallmarks of BPDers and, to a lesser extent, of narcissists. Because BPDers have a weak, unstable sense of who they are, they typically HATE to be alone. They have a strong need to be around a person with a strong stable personality who will help to center and ground them.

 

Moreover, some other behaviors you mention -- e.g., frequently creating drama, being "emotionally abusive," frequently arguing by "yelling and being insulting," rapidly flipping between adoring you and devaluing you, forgetting what she said (i.e., rewriting history), projection ("accusing me of things she did herself"), and "raging" in her text messages -- are classic red flags for having strong BPD traits and/or narcissistic traits.

 

Wow, this is a bit freaky. 14 or 15 points are spot-on ...

[Downtown]

Stilnaught, please keep in mind that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." BPD is not a disease. Rather, it is a group of basic human behaviors (ego defenses, actually) that every person on the planet has to some degree. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has it to some degree. At various stages of our lives, it is common for even healthy people to find themselves at the upper end of that spectrum. During early childhood, for example, you and I behaved like BPDers on a 24/7 basis. And most people start behaving that way again for a few years in adolescence when the hormones are raging.

 

At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. But you are capable of spotting strong occurrences of BPD traits. Because we all exhibit these traits to some degree, we all know what they look like from the outside and what they feel like on the inside. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and irrational jealousy.

 

Of course, only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe and persistent as to satisfy 100% of the criteria for "having BPD." Yet, for your purposes as the abused partner, the important issue is not whether she has a full-blown PD but, rather, whether she has such strong traits that they are destroying your relationship by making it toxic to both of you. Even when PD traits fall well short of the diagnostic guidelines for having a full-blown PD, they still can be sufficiently strong to fully undermine a relationship and make your life miserable.

[PegNosePete]

Personally I am of the opinion that amateur psychoanalyzing and diagnosing an ex is not at all helpful to you right now. In fact quite the opposite. You're fuelling your obsession by thinking about her all the time.

 

Maybe one day, when you're over her, you can read up on all this stuff and identify symptoms, to help you avoid falling into the same traps again. But while you're still hurting, it's not a good idea to keep thinking about her and reading loads of stuff on the internet that reminds you of her. Better to spend your time looking up a local gym, improving your skiing technique, or researching the best place to take an African safari.

 

Unfortunately due to your job you can't maintain NC fully but the cat analogy above is a good one.

Edited February 26, 2015 by PegNosePete

[Downtown]

Amateur psychoanalyzing and diagnosing an ex is not at all helpful to you right now.

True, but nobody on this thread is recommending it. PegNose, you're confusing "diagnosing" with "spotting warning signs." There is a world of difference between the two. As I noted above, only a professional can make a diagnosis. Yet, before Stilnaught graduated high school, he already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD.

 

Likewise, he could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. He could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And he could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, he will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur if he takes a few minutes to learn what's on the list. Learning to recognize the red flags for these PDs is important for any young person searching for a mate so he can protect himself and avoid toxic relationships.

 

Learning to spot warning signs also is important for medical disorders. Most women know how to spot the warning signs for breast cancer, for example, even though they cannot diagnose it. Similarly, most men know the warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- without having a clue as to how those disorders are diagnosed.

[PegNosePete]

Learning to recognize the red flags for these PDs is important for any young person searching for a mate so he can protect himself and avoid toxic relationships.

Agreed, but he's not searching for a mate. He's grieving the loss of his last one.

 

As I said, I agree that it's sensible reading, I just disagree that this is a good time to be doing it. He needs to let go of his ex, not keep his mind on her by reading up about what personality traits she may or may not have.

 

When he is in a healthy place and over his ex, then he can research how to recognize and avoid the same personality types in the future.

[Stilnaught]

Thanks everyone for the input, i won't overanalyze/start putting her in a category, but i now more clearly see how "edgy" she is ...

 

When he is in a healthy place and over his ex, then he can research how to recognize and avoid the same personality types in the future.

 

I can already say i won't take **** like this again, for sure ... I tend to put my heart above reason too much, even though this situation was clearly too toxic.

 

I always tend to tell other people that communication is everything, only to discover that ours was massively flawed since we couldn't even argue on an adult level. So much for listening to your own advice ...