Guinevere04 Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I have been seeing a guy for 8 months. I am 31 and he is 25. I have a 2 year old and am going through a divorce. He should be divorced any day now himself. He has meant the world to me through my divorce. He is the sweetest, most loving person I have ever met and would do anything for me. I feel so happy when I am with him. It's been a tough time and he has made it so much easier. I just think so much of him and he is gorgeous on top of it. Now, with all of that said, I knew that he had two children from his marriage. That was kind of tough because one of the biggest things that went wrong in my marriage was my husband crazy-ass ex wife and his lack of responsibility with his child and you would think I would never speak to a man with a child and ex wife but "Jon" was just different. I know he is much more responsible and he would never let his ex treat me as badly as "Mike" let his ex. So now, 8 months down the road, I have met his kids 2 times and was on my way to his house this Saturday to meet his entire family, sister, aunts, the whole works and he tells me that he is getting ready to go pick up his oldest son. His what??? Yes, he also has another child that is 7 that he had when he was 17 years old that he never even mention. My heart was broken and I can't get past thinking, what else is he hiding? He says that he never found the opportunity to bring it up and he had just found out that the boy was coming to the get together or he would have told me sooner. The two kids (on welfare at that) was bad enough but now three, and he says that he never sees this one because his soon to be ex wife was mean to him so the child didn't want to come around. He said he is starting to come around more now. "Jon" has credit problems from his marriage but does not pay child support on the two kids because they are with him 1/2 the time. The mom has them on welfare though. I am just thinking, what am I getting myself and my 2 year old son into? This guy is great, obviously the other girls thought so at first too, but I am just in shock that he never found the chance to tell me. I know that just getting out of a marriage I probably need some time alone anyway, but he has become my best friend over these last 8 months and I just don't know what I would do without him. My ex is not in my son's life hardly at all so "Jon" is the only man figure he has really seen lately. What a mess, if I didn't have such strong feelings for him the choice would be easy. He swears that he will take responsibility for his part of things and never ask me to do anything. I guess b/c he knows that I was left to do everything with my ex's child and his ex wife because he had a drinking problem. I just feel like nothing is what is seems.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Wow, this is complicated. If he is a great as you say he is, you and the other two women were drawn to him somehow. What happened in their relationships? Why is he divorced with 3 kids. Maybe his 7 year old was a stupid mistake that happens when your in high school. Did he explain how he had a kid at 17? How long were him and his ex wife married for? i think that you should put everything on the table. Get everything out that he might be hiding so you can make an informed decision. Don;t make a hast decision if he's as great as you say. Are you sure he's still getting divorced? We don't want another OW situation now do we?
Author Guinevere04 Posted April 6, 2005 Author Posted April 6, 2005 I am positive that he is almost divorced. I know someone that knows his ex and she is supposed to be getting married soon. He has paid for the final divorce papers and is just waiting on them. The 7 year old, I am sure was a high school thing gone bad. He said that he didn't tell me because it was a painful situation. He still hasn't told me though. I agree with you, I want to know it all before I can decide completely. He is so kind to me, he has really set my screwed up soon to be ex-husband straight as far as the way he was treating me and my son and I have never felt so cared for before. I am just really disappointed I guess. Also, he has been "fixed" so he can't have anymore kids, which is a good thing considering how many he has, but what if I want more? I only have one but hell, we would have 4 together. It's just so screwed up. I want him in my life but he has so much durn baggage.
prisoner Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 the problem is simple. you have a lot to deal with from your own marriage ending. whether you know it or not you do not have the abilioty to see someone beyond protective and supportive. you are painfully aware that you have a lot of ground to cover with your new man and you want to knwo him before you end up as another stat. slow things down. get your life together on your own terms. get your child settled on their own terms. the two of you have to become a sold unit before sopmeone else automatically gets too involved. As far as not mentioning his seven year old: tell him that not having the chance to mention it is not good enough and he should be exploring what happened eight years ago. I think it is also important that you kniow whether the mess he is in can a. be fixed. b. be isolated. You are open and vulnerable at the moment and you have to protect yourself and your child. focus on you. if this man is so special he will give you the time and space you need to get back on your terms. divorce is traumatic for all parties. even you.
Author Guinevere04 Posted April 7, 2005 Author Posted April 7, 2005 He did ask me if I needed time and I took a day. I felt horrible. Everyone makes mistakes and I just tried to figure out if his past and him not telling me bothered me more than how much I care about him and want him in my life. After the longest 24 hours ever, I decided that I would just have to accept it. He and I both know that I don't have to. I just feel like I can't lose our relationship over this even though it's big. I am being rational though, in knowing that it probably won't last forever but I sure don't want it to end now. I don't want anyone thinking that I am just lonely because I was lonely in my marriage, I never saw my husband and could not be happier without him, regardless of whether I am seeing "Jon" or not. If things don't work out, then I will take my alone time but right now, I have to give him a chance.
Author Guinevere04 Posted April 7, 2005 Author Posted April 7, 2005 I'll do my best to be careful. If he would just be mean or ignore me or not pay so much attention to me or not cook my child french toast at his beckoning call, or just not be so cute, or stop opening the car door for me. If he would just not be so loveable, maybe I could tell him to take a hike. But he makes me feel like my husband never did and i guess that is why I am fascinated with him. Durn him.
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