craw Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hi - I've been avoiding posting on this thread and I finally have muster enough courage to do it. I've been in a dead bedroom relationship for past five years, he ended up asking that we go on a break, so I could be satisfied by other men if I wanted to. I was hurt...at the time I was away on a trip, and I did end up meeting another man. We went out for dinners a few times and the conversation was a bit odd. Odd in the sense, that he asked me questions about my family, what I think about marriage, that sort of thing. I didn't realize that he might be interested in me. We both figured out that both our parents are still married and how marriage should be taken seriously [i know a lot of couples who split being less than a year together] Anyway, we both leave the country, we kinda kept in touch then he stopped messaging me. I really miss him. I would like to get know him. I really loved his positive attitude. I don't know if we would have a lot in common. We don't live in the same country. Nothing happened between us. I miss him every day. I find it so strange I could miss someone that I barely met or knew. On the flipside, I am back at home - I am still in touch with my ex/bf. We haven't consummated the relationship, but I still care deeply for him and we're in touch. He did apologize for making a huge mistake for going on a break. I still cuddle, hug and kiss him. wtf is my problem? I don't know how to let him go. How do you let go of your best friend? Oh yeah we have mutual friends in common. Oh yeah, He sent me 24 chocolate covered strawberries for Valentine's day. It was so romantic and he knows I LOVE FOOD. Also, I took care of him when was sick, he is alone and has no family in the city. Please help with your input, LoveShack. Thank you.
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Why have you never had sex with your bf/exbf? 1
cerridwen Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) I miss him every day. I find it so strange I could miss someone that I barely met or knew. My guess is you miss the closeness, not necessarily the person himself. You met at a time of vulnerability, having just experienced a rejection of sorts from your bf. You had meaningful conversations, felt heard. It makes sense you'd attribute a specialness to this new person with whom you felt connection. wtf is my problem? I don't know how to let him go. How do you let go of your best friend? Oh yeah we have mutual friends in common. ...Also, I took care of him when was sick, he is alone and has no family in the city. You touched on wtf your problem is : he's best friend and family rolled into one. Why wouldn't that be difficult to let go of? I was in a dead bedroom marriage for a bit with someone who is still my best friend. It was immensely difficult to let go. What helped was establishing that we'd always remain friends and the relationship would go on, but in a more markedly satisfying way for both of us. We said goodbye to the romantic connection but our friendship has never been stronger. Maybe talking along these lines would help you two? Perhaps it would lessen your sense of loss and you could let go? Regarding the other man, don't let your imagination run too wild. You don't know him so resist idealizing him. You titled this "Triangle Dilemma" but it feels more like this third party is simply a diversion, of more minor consequence. If you leave your current, do it for you---not a stranger living in another country. Edited February 25, 2015 by cerridwen 2
Author craw Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Why have you never had sex with your bf/exbf? Huh? After I came back come from my trip, I didn't have sex with him again, because technically we're not together.
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Huh? After I came back come from my trip, I didn't have sex with him again, because technically we're not together. OK, I misunderstood, you said "We haven't consummated the relationship" so I thought you meant the entire 5 year relationship.
Author craw Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 My guess is you miss the closeness, not necessarily the person himself. You met at a time of vulnerability, having just experienced a rejection of sorts from your bf. You had meaningful conversations, felt heard. It makes sense you'd attribute a specialness to this new person with whom you felt connection. You touched on wtf your problem is : he's best friend and family rolled into one. Why wouldn't that be difficult to let go of? I was in a dead bedroom marriage for a bit with someone who is still my best friend. It was immensely difficult to let go. What helped was establishing that we'd always remain friends and the relationship would go on, but in a more markedly satisfying way for both of us. We said goodbye to the romantic connection but our friendship has never been stronger. Maybe talking along these lines would help you two? Perhaps it would lessen your sense of loss and you could let go? I just find it's weird to keep that relationship going on when the romantic connection is terminated or maybe because we haven't actually terminated the connection. I guess what I'm saying it's hard to be friends with someone you still love? wow that doesn't make any sense. May I ask how you let go? I'm guessing no forms of communication. We're also still going on a trip together in May. Thanks for your advice.
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 ..But you did also say it was a "dead bedroom" relationship.
cerridwen Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) I just find it's weird to keep that relationship going on when the romantic connection is terminated or maybe because we haven't actually terminated the connection. I guess what I'm saying it's hard to be friends with someone you still love? wow that doesn't make any sense. May I ask how you let go? I'm guessing no forms of communication. We're also still going on a trip together in May. Thanks for your advice. Well, we've known each other for a very long time. Our relationship morphed more into brother-sister by the time we officially decided to divorce, so there was no romance, just a very deep bond. Letting go happened very gradually. We took our time with it. He moved out but we still talked constantly. Then less so. Our social circles and interests expanded, but in different directions. We just naturally began living more separate lives but our friendship remained though contact was more infrequent. It sounds like your relationship still has some romance left in it. Are you interested in salvaging it, at all? Edited February 25, 2015 by cerridwen 1
chick0 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I cant really give you any advice, but you can atleast know, you're not alone in this situation!! I am going through the exact same thing with my ex partner!! Good luck with it and dont forget to look out for yourself first, otherwise you will get dragged into emotional heart ache.
Author craw Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 It sounds like your relationship still has some romance left in it. Are you interested in salvaging it, at all? Yes and no. I realize that if I stay with him, I have to accepts his faults. He is LL. Fun times.
Author craw Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I cant really give you any advice, but you can atleast know, you're not alone in this situation!! I am going through the exact same thing with my ex partner!! Good luck with it and dont forget to look out for yourself first, otherwise you will get dragged into emotional heart ache. Feel free to message me if you want to vent to a stranger WHO WILL UNDERSTAND YOU!
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Tough situation...it sounds like meeting someone new was really fun and the guy you did meet was intriguing! I would remain friends with your ex, but start opening up other doors. It'll all work out for the best.
Author craw Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks, Crystal! Yes, you are so right. He sent me a postcard, it didn't really say much and he called me a friend [lol], but it was so romantic to me.
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