genuinelyloverly7 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) I am dating a guy with whom I have some pretty weighty similarities, and yet also some glaring differences. What do ya'll think? Similarities: Vegan- he is vegan for health reasons, and I am for ethical reasons (though I do see how processed and unsustainable farming practices make animal consumption bad for us as well as the animals). Arts enthusiast- he has invited me to hear poetry readings, and we went to an open mic night on our 2nd date. I am a performing poet and writer, as well as being a supporter of the visual arts. Child-rearing- we have only been on three dates so it has only come up a little, as he has a 5 year old boy. But it seems like we have similar beliefs around that, as far as it has come up. More to learn there. We both want children- I don't have any yet, and he has a son and wants more children. Other things have come up that I felt like we have in common, more about how to treat partners and the like. Differences: He is very minimalist, while I have a lot of stuff. I am getting rid of a lot of it, but I will never be as minimal as he seems to aspire to be. I love color and textures, and he wants a quote or two on the wall. His words, not mine. And he is extremely neat. I on the other hand have 7 indoor/outdoor pets. At it's cleanest I doubt it could be as clean as he (and I) would like. He 'could stand being in the wood for a week' while I want to live there part time. Now, we both agree that any place worth living will be a diverse, open-minded community. But he wants to live in the city, and I can't live there full time. He is an accountant, and I havent filed my taxes in a LONG time! This isn't an actual difference but it does indicate a different mentality around finances. He is way more reality-based than I am financially. Which I admire, and need/want to learn how to create in my life. So I want this kind of structure in a partner. At least more than I currently have. The last is a little complicated to describe. He hasn't kissed me or gotten physically romantic in the three dates we have been on. And I love that, especially compared to the men I have dated who expected to get some or cop a feel as soon as we meet. And I know/figure that his religius history makes him view sex and physical stuff differently. (He was a super-Christian who is now an agnostic, who goes to a Unitarian Universalist church). I am a pagan type Goddess worshiper who goes to church by dancing in the woods and having deeply spiritual sex and sexy type practices. The last two times I have been out with him, we ended up talking till past midnight, and he asked me if I wanted to stay overnight intsead of driving home in the dark. And all he does is give me his bed and sleep on the couch! At first I thought he must not be attracted to me. But the last date he mentioned how attracted to me he was, and how hard it was to keep talking about my new business of sexual self-awareness coaching, because he has limits and doesn't want to test them. (And obviously he doesnt have some moral issue with my sexually/sensually focused business model.) When I asked him if my wanting to jump his bones a little would complicate my sleeping over, he said yes. Because he doesn't casual date. He is all in or nothing. Which I really respect (even if I barely know what it looks like) because I want to build a real emotional connection to the next person I partner with. I am not too sure how to go about creating that, as I have never had a man make that a priority with me. But I am excited to see how it goes. So some of these issues seem big, but might be smaller than I think. Or vice versa. As well, he has some seemingly large but largely unimportant similarities to my ex of 8 years. They are both from the caribbean by way of the north-east USA, coming out of single-parent homes. I can see the similarities in certain ways but not too many, really. Am I attracted to him because he reminds me of the man I thought I loved but really was abused by? I do believe that old patterns come up to test our resolve to stay changed; is that what this is? I will finish by saying that I enjoy his company, and am crushing on him more than I have with any other person I have met recently. Granted that he is the first man who has treated me decently, and not like a sex-object just because I am sex-positive and proud of it. And he is sexy physically. Though I think it would make him blush to hear that. I want to go with his flow for now, not pushing physical intimacy until we are both more commited, but what does that mean? That we are looking at each other as possible life partners? That we are considering that we are life partners from that moment on? I am confused!!! We have both been open with each other about our dating experiences and how we are currently seeing other people here or there. Like he mentioned on our second date a speed-dating event that he was going to attend the next day. I have mentioned certain experiences from dates to him, though never saying when it was. So I don't feel like he is trying to get exclusive with me just yet. And I am not sure if that means he is weighing his options, or taking it slow. I tend to think both or the latter. Which I am fine with, as I am doing the same. Thank you for any replies. Edited February 25, 2015 by genuinelyloverly7 added
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Don't try and checkbox so many things - it sounds like you're already very compatible. If you guys have attraction/chemistry, go for it I say. 3
Toodaloo Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Some of your differences compliment each other... ...just saying. 1
pteromom Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I am dating a guy with whom I have some pretty weighty similarities, and yet also some glaring differences. What do ya'll think? Similarities: Vegan- he is vegan for health reasons, and I am for ethical reasons (though I do see how processed and unsustainable farming practices make animal consumption bad for us as well as the animals). Arts enthusiast- he has invited me to hear poetry readings, and we went to an open mic night on our 2nd date. I am a performing poet and writer, as well as being a supporter of the visual arts. Child-rearing- we have only been on three dates so it has only come up a little, as he has a 5 year old boy. But it seems like we have similar beliefs around that, as far as it has come up. More to learn there. We both want children- I don't have any yet, and he has a son and wants more children. Sounds like a good start... you have a lot in common which would make life together easier anyway. Differences: He is very minimalist, while I have a lot of stuff. I am getting rid of a lot of it, but I will never be as minimal as he seems to aspire to be. I love color and textures, and he wants a quote or two on the wall. His words, not mine. And he is extremely neat. I on the other hand have 7 indoor/outdoor pets. At it's cleanest I doubt it could be as clean as he (and I) would like. This "difference" only matters if you don't respect the difference. If you try harder to be clean, and he tries harder to accept messiness, and neither of you pick or nag, then this "difference" doesn't matter at all. He 'could stand being in the wood for a week' while I want to live there part time. Now, we both agree that any place worth living will be a diverse, open-minded community. But he wants to live in the city, and I can't live there full time. If you can't find a work-around on this, it could be a dealbreaker. If you are an independent person, you could have a getaway spot where you could live part-time. Or maybe he will agree to have two places and go back and forth. This is something you need to explore more before you get in too deeply. He is an accountant, and I havent filed my taxes in a LONG time! This isn't an actual difference but it does indicate a different mentality around finances. He is way more reality-based than I am financially. Which I admire, and need/want to learn how to create in my life. So I want this kind of structure in a partner. At least more than I currently have. Since you ADMIRE him and want to learn from him, this isn't a big deal - as long as he also admires your free approach to finances and doesn't look down on you for it. But the last date he mentioned how attracted to me he was, and how hard it was to keep talking about my new business of sexual self-awareness coaching, because he has limits and doesn't want to test them. (And obviously he doesnt have some moral issue with my sexually/sensually focused business model.) When I asked him if my wanting to jump his bones a little would complicate my sleeping over, he said yes. Because he doesn't casual date. He is all in or nothing. There are two possibilities here. 1 - He is being honest, has incredible impulse control and integrity, and once you become sexual with him, it will likely be amazing. 2 - He has some kind of sexual issue, whether it be a fetish, impotence, anxiety, whatever, and he is using "waiting" as an excuse so he doesn't have to face it with you. Unfortunately, you won't know which until you cross that bridge. But if you cross it and his words aren't lining up with his actions, then don't ignore it - push the issue and be ready to walk if he isn't what you want. As well, he has some seemingly large but largely unimportant similarities to my ex of 8 years. They are both from the caribbean by way of the north-east USA, coming out of single-parent homes, which does sort of make itself known in certain beliefs or actions or things he says. Am I attracted to him because he reminds me of the man I thought I loved but really was abused by? I do believe that old patterns come up to test our resolve to stay changed; is that what this is? His beliefs and actions only matter if he is using them to attempt to control YOUR beliefs and actions. If he is respectful and kind and understanding and accepting and open to learning about you vs. making you who he wants you to be, then he is NOTHING like your ex, and just maybe you have chosen well this time. I want to go with his flow for now, not pushing physical intimacy until we are both more commited, but what does that mean? That we are looking at each other as possible life partners? That we are considering that we are life partners from that moment on? I am confused!!! Ask him! It could mean something different to me, so my answer is unimportant. Tell him "You said that you aren't into casual sex and that you are all in or nothing. What does that mean to you? If things continue to progress between us, at what point would you see us becoming sexual?" See what he says... if he says "Not until marriage", you can decide whether you want to take that risk or not. If he says "Well, if we become exclusive", you can ask follow-up questions..."in a perfect world, if everything went well, what would you imagine the timeline for that to look like?" You need to get a better understanding of his beliefs about sex and relationships so you can decide if it is right for you. Good luck! Report back! 1
Author genuinelyloverly7 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Thanks for the input and support folks! I feel reassured that I am on the right track with him so far, and do look forward to updating yall about how it goes. I think I will update this thread with any new occurances, to keep things neat here. 1
GoBlue Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Red flags in a relationship should never be ignored. The more similarities there are the better. Opposites do attract and that isn't necessarily a death sentence to the relationship, but glaring differences are always a problem. 1
Gary S Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Your immediate problem is that you two have not kissed. Usually, most good relationships start out with that first big kiss within the first three dates. If you guys wait too long for that, intrest may wane. You two need to get busy. Kissing is not sex. 1
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 It sounds good to me, I bet he wants to take it slow for his son. Just let him lead this one. 1
Author genuinelyloverly7 Posted March 1, 2015 Author Posted March 1, 2015 Well, its been a week since my roti date with him (that was last Saturday, where he told me he was 'all-in or nothing' and let me sleep in his bed for the second time). I was really feeling him after that night, getting all excited... and the next day after my soccer game, I sent him my scores because we had been talking about my games that night before. Now, he has his son on Sunday, so I don't try to contact him really during that time. But I figured I could text the scores and we would talk about it later. But he replied right away, and we did a little back and forth for a minute about the game... and then that passed, no biggie. I knew he was busy, and my parents were in town to visit until Tuesday, so I was doing my own thing. On Tuesday, after my parents left, I texted him that I had seen a candid pic of him at some event at his place of work (coincidence; I was there for something else) and texted a pic I had taken of his pic. He replies something like they must have taken it at such and such date, sorry I didn't see you at todays thing. I said no biggie, I know you were working. And that's it. No text back in 4 days. Now, a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have cared about that, because we were taking it slow. And I know that we still are, in some ways. But he acted like I had ignored him on purpose for doing the same a few weeks ago (not replying back to a text for a few days). I know he is busy, and he may have no idea that I am feeling more for him than I have been. But I get the feeling that if I ask him outright, he will say he doesn't think we have enough in common to be a couple. Vegan and open mic friends, or something, if nothing else. The next time I see him, I am going to ask. But gently, because if we are working out, I want him to be the one to make the first move. I have already indicated interest and am not going to be the agressor. I feel like have already pushed the boundary by telling him I wanted to jump his bones last week. I have been riding the roller coaster of emotions, feeling like I want to be with him, then back to feeling like we have big differences and I shouldn't invest too much energy into him because it won't work out anyway. I still want to find out more about him, so I understand if he wants that also. I just want to know if I am in the running! I want him to know he is in the running, too.
Recommended Posts