Queseraseraxoxo Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Me and my ex were together for a little over 2 years and to be honest it was an incredible relationship overall. We had chemistry, intimacy and above all were best friends. I went to every family function as he went to all of mine (my family loved him and his family treated me as one of his own—my ex even said I was ”part of the family”). We did everything together, we laughed together, we cried together and grew so much as a couple over our two years. He introduced me to everyone and always seemed so proud of me and what we had. I thought he would be in my life forever. He called me the love of his life. He said I was his first real relationship. He always said I had the most beautiful smile and laugh and that was his favorite part about me. He said I was the perfect girl. He said I made him so happy. At Thanksgiving 3 months ago he, in front of his whole family, said that he was so happy for me to be there and that we as as a couple were celebrating our 2 year anniversary the following week. He told me to make sure I was including him in my graduation plans for this May. Why? Then 2 days before valentines day….he broke up with me and left me confused, hurt and angry. I really don't know what happened & I might never. After finding a text on his phone that made me really upset, I confronted him and after he started to hysterically cry (absolutely hysterical) and say things that he’s so scared and things such as “I love you and I want to be with you”, “I don't want to lose you” “you’re an amazing girlfriend”…but then “I’m not sure if you’re the one” “I don't know if more time will make it more clear to me” “how do we know that there isn’t someone more compatible out there for us?” “we’ve only each been with 2 people total, and 4 sexual partners total” “we haven’t talked about marriage once” “I'm just not ready to settle down at 23” “I don't want to be criticized by my family for settling down so young” etc etc. each line hurting more than the last. It felt so surreal in that moment and all he and I could do was cry. He said that he didn't want to lose me. I was just so so thrown off. I was completely and absolutely blind sighted. Everyone who knew us was as well because they witnessed the type of connection, chemistry and love that we shared. We were so comfortable around one another and told each other practically everything. We went on trips together, we tried new recipes together, we hung out with his friends and went out even though we both hated clubs and bars. We were so similar in so many ways—almost finishing each others sentences or saying things at the same time. Furthermore, I was beyond close to his family (e.g his sister said I was one of her best friends). The pain is pretty unbearable at this point and I just don't get it. How can he let me go when he knows I can potentially meet someone new (he was always jealous of guys who would look at me)? How can he allow himself to be with other people and be totally ok with that? Just a few days prior when I went to do laundry across the street he was SO worried about me and now hes gone? How could he let everything we had go…just.like.that? It makes no sense and I feel like I’m living in a horrible nightmare. Every morning I wake up and have to remember that it is in fact reality and he is no longer in my life. Its like hes dead but worse--- he’s alive and well and well without me. When we exchanged texts he reiterated what he had said in our conversation. He assured me there was no one else he was leaving me for and he just wasn't sure if I was the one and wasn't sure that at 23 its possible to know that. He also said “I don't necessarily think we should get back together right now” and he said it again that I was the love of his life and that we had a great relationship but that hes only said those words to two people outside of his family. He continued to say that yes, maybe he did take me for granted but “that's what happens when you have a sample size of two people.” A SAMPLE SIZE? Seriously….what the ****. What did he feel like he was missing? He even said it himself that “on paper” I was perfect. A part of me doesn't even feel like he’s not ready to settle down….I think he just didn't “feel” it with me anymore. But he could have won an Oscar honestly – he seemed so incredibly happy during those “few months” where he was thinking about this every day. Even just the day before we ended things. Everything is so confusing and a part of me just wishes he would have said “I don't love you anymore” “I think I can do better” “I cheated on you”—then I could HATE him and move on and find someone much better. But to potentially feel that he just didn't see a future with me and didn’t see me as a wife and mother to his children…that absolutely sucks and hurts so much. I really hope once he goes out and does the “single life” he realizes that there aren’t many people out there who would make him feel the way I made him feel and have that strong connection that we had…I really do hope he regrets it immensely. We haven’t spoken except for the 1 day (1 week post breakup). I miss him a lot. I know I will be ok and I wont have trouble finding someone who knows they want to be with me forever. Im so scared of him being with someone else…it makes me sick to my stomach. I also don't know if he would ever find someone as good as me (a bit cocky) but…seriously. In our 2 years together, I never did anything to hurt him and I always lifted him up, made him feel better, made him feel so comfortable, made him feel so loved. His friends recognized I was the “perfect” girl and some even were shocked my ex was able to get me. Maybe in the beginning of our relationship he thought it would be something temporary, but the fact that it lasted so long made him absolutely freak out that his potential “freedom” was being taken away from him. His feelings for me were very strong, I know that deep in my heart and I think that's why he was crying so hysterically. What hurts the most is having someone you loved with every part of you value his freedom/single life over the love you two shared, the memories, and the potential future. I feel so ****ty and I don't know what to do. In our 2 years, he did quite a few things that made me very very upset—mostly due to a lack of maturity on his part. Therefore, I always thought that if we were to ever break up, it would be on my terms because I couldn't take his **** anymore. But I forgave him each time and we worked through it so well each and every time. The one time that he started to have doubts…he let that manifest, grow and ultimately ruin our relationship without having talked to me about it from the beginning. I feel so stupid and hopeless. I just don't want him being with anyone else. Saying the same things he said to me to them, holding them, kissing them, having sex with them….it makes me feel so hurt. And the worst part of it all, is that my ex knows my personality. He knows that by letting me go, there was almost a certain chance I would never come back. He even said “I know you’re not going to wait for me.” What the hell? I just cant get our memories and experiences out of my head- his laugh, his hugs, his kisses on my forehead, the names he would call me…I don't get it. Why did it take him 2 years to realize I wasn't the one? He always said “we’ll make this work no matter what” … clearly not. Edited February 25, 2015 by Queseraseraxoxo
Diezel Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 What was the text you found that made you upset?
Author Queseraseraxoxo Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Additional: At Thanksgiving 3 months ago he, in front of his whole family, said that he was so happy for me to be there and that we as as a couple were celebrating our 2 year anniversary the following week. He told me to make sure I was including him in my graduation plans for this May. Why? I totally understand his fears. I get it completely especially for a guy to feel that this is the last person he will ever have sex with (btw our sex life was incredible). But why leave???? WHY? I am trying to find a reason. The ONLY plausible reasons I can think of are: 1. he was scared ****LESS. absolutely scared ****less enough to want to leave this. 2. hes never had to deal with any real adversity in his life: no deaths, no hardships, very wealthy family so hes rather spoiled. when things get hard, he gets frustrated and runs rather than fights for it. i think he did that here. 3. honeymoon phase was withering OBVIOUSLY. over 2 years - it wont be exactly the same as month 1 or 2. but thats also not a reason to just leave. I read a really nice quote somewhere that said, " The emotions become less intense until they stabilize into something that is just a part of your everyday life. Without the intensity, the motivation eventually fades, and that’s when things get comfortable. Once you’re in the comfort zone, the relationship either becomes stale and unappealing (this is when things don’t work out) or it evolves into a two-player team (this is when you stay in love), depending on what you do next. If you truly want to stay in love, you must always choose love — a choice built on the foundations of communication, acceptance and selflessness." 4. He was pretty selfish most times-- what HE wanted to do with his life and not what he wanted US to do together or what I necessarily wanted out of this relationship. 5. hes sort of insecure and may feel the need to conquer more women to feel empowered. 6. hes immature. he didnt understand and didnt "respect" his best friend for moving to Texas to be with his girlfriend. he doesnt understand the idea of sacrifice for the one you love. 7. he let pressure of our relationship consume him and the questioning of his family/friends to really realize how serious we were and wondered where this was all going. 8. maybe i gave him TOO much. maybe i was always TOO there and present and it maybe made him feel suffocated. but at the same time, i dont want to regret giving him my all because the right guy (mature, ready etc) would appreciate that fully and reciprocate it and even more.
Author Queseraseraxoxo Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 The text I found was from a girl he met when he studied abroad 3 years prior in which he basically told her that he was "so mad at her when she told him that she had met someone when he was going to visit her" (3 years ago) and that "dont apologize though- everything happens for a reason. we just had to live our lives" and then proceeded to inquire about what happened with her and that guy. this text exchange happened on CHRISTMAS when I was with him too.
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 After finding a text on his phone that made me really upset. What was the text about?
Diezel Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I might have to agree with him on a certain aspect, between the ages of 21-23, so much can change. One always says things that others want to hear and might want to believe themselves. No one walks into a relationship saying, "Well, I give this about two years and say all the things they want to hear in the meantime." It could very well be that at the time, the words meant something, but now they don't. Maybe that text made him realize that there he really wasn't ready. Maybe there's a lot more to the situation. You want an answer that none of us can give you with 100% certainty and even if he gave you the REAL reason, you might not even be convinced that truly is the case. All you have is the information in front of you. You can analyze this and beat it to death all you want, but it's over. It could have been you, could have been him, could have been nothing... All you need is to move on. You need to regain your composure, look past this guy and look forward to some time of getting to know yourself. 3
Author Queseraseraxoxo Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 - he would say he felt like he won the lottery bc he was with me - he would have dreams of me cheating or even dying and wake up crying hysterically - he hated thinking about other people in my past
Author Queseraseraxoxo Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 I might have to agree with him on a certain aspect, between the ages of 21-23, so much can change. One always says things that others want to hear and might want to believe themselves. No one walks into a relationship saying, "Well, I give this about two years and say all the things they want to hear in the meantime." It could very well be that at the time, the words meant something, but now they don't. Maybe that text made him realize that there he really wasn't ready. Maybe there's a lot more to the situation. You want an answer that none of us can give you with 100% certainty and even if he gave you the REAL reason, you might not even be convinced that truly is the case. All you have is the information in front of you. You can analyze this and beat it to death all you want, but it's over. It could have been you, could have been him, could have been nothing... All you need is to move on. You need to regain your composure, look past this guy and look forward to some time of getting to know yourself. Thanks Diezel. Much easier said than done- but I am doing my best.
Author Queseraseraxoxo Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 What was the text about? The text I found was from a girl he met when he studied abroad 3 years prior in which he basically told her that he was "so mad at her when she told him that she had met someone when he was going to visit her" (3 years ago) and that "dont apologize though- everything happens for a reason. we just had to live our lives" and then proceeded to inquire about what happened with her and that guy. this text exchange happened on CHRISTMAS when I was with him too.
Ruby65 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 The text I found was from a girl he met when he studied abroad 3 years prior in which he basically told her that he was "so mad at her when she told him that she had met someone when he was going to visit her" (3 years ago) and that "dont apologize though- everything happens for a reason. we just had to live our lives" and then proceeded to inquire about what happened with her and that guy. this text exchange happened on CHRISTMAS when I was with him too. I think there's your answer. It sounds like he realized he could have feelings for someone else and that probably made him doubt everything. For what it's worth, it's better to find this out about him now rather than a few years down the road when you've invested more time and emotion into the relationship. Two years might seem like a long time -- but in the grand scheme of things it's really just barely past the honeymoon stage. If this guy can't even make it that long, he's not ready to be anyone's life partner. 3
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Then 2 days before valentines day….he broke up with me and left me confused, hurt and angry. I really don't know what happened & I might never. After finding a text on his phone that made me really upset, I confronted him and after [ he started to hysterically cry (absolutely hysterical) and say things that he’s so scared and things such as “I love you and I want to be with you”, “I don't want to lose you” “you’re an amazing girlfriend” …but then “I’m not sure if you’re the one” “I don't know if more time will make it more clear to me” “how do we know that there isn’t someone more compatible out there for us?” “we’ve only each been with 2 people total, and 4 sexual partners total” “we haven’t talked about marriage once” “I'm just not ready to settle down at 23” “I don't want to be criticized by my family for settling down so young” etc etc. each line hurting more than the last. You set off an avalanche there. He had that all bottled up and you mentioning that "iffy" text to another woman, just set him off on what turned out to be a tirade. I guess he has been thinking that way for a long while, and whilst you felt cosy and safe, he felt he was missing out on other women. He is not ready to settle down with you. Accept the break up. Go NC and let yourself heal. 1
dwarf Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I dont usually reply to threads because i never know what to say but this one is so spot on to what is happening with my ex boyfriend. Although...not exactly. I think in your situation being 23 is a hard time to take on the idea that you found someone perfect, what i mean by that is YES you ARE perfect to him, and i highly doubt he will find anyone like you for a REALLY long time (if ever) but as selfish as it is...at this point in his life its not what he wants. He wants to experience the things 20 year olds experience when they are single etc. And as perfect as you are...he isnt thinking "man what am i losing here" he is thinking " this overwhelming doubt and fear will be with me for the rest of my life if i dont do this" and as selfish as it is ( my ex is doing it as well...but hes 27 and lost himself and needs to find himself) he knows that you will partially wait. He knows that so much that he was willing to lose you over it ( or so i believe in the case of my ex). He knows that if he tries in a couple months or year he may be able to sway you because of how great you guys were. Thats the thing about exs that do this, it isnt AS hard of a hardship for them to lose you because they know they could potentially have you because of how great they were...with you. With my ex, we had a super emotional break up ( if you read my thread you'll see), but in the end i have been focusing on me and going with the statement "what will be will be". I think he thinks the same. But i know that despite him feeling ALL of this...and needing to find himself and be happy again....i wouldnt take him back UNTIL he found that happiness and could be that man that WAS the most amazing to me. Not this....indecisive scared boy. I did leave him with one thing that i know 100% he will take seriously as a "You've lost her forever" kind of thing...i told him if he EVER sleeps with anyone in the time it takes for him to find himself and his happiness (you have to understand...i get he is single but you cant tell me im special and im the only one for you you..are just confused etc etc and that you dont want to be with anyone else...and then **** someone?) that i would NEVER EVER take him back..and he shouldnt even bother coming back. How will i ever know? i may not ever know if he had or not.....but we do share ALL mutual friends...and i mean somehow it will get back to me im sure. If not...and i never know about it...well then he can live with that guilt...and ignorance is bliss. Either way...what is confusing in MY situation is my boyfriend got all the sleeping around out of his system before we dated ( he had had his fair share of one night stands). So i trust ...i suppose it is NOT about other women...although i will never know.
frigginlost Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Not buying it. Sounds like there is someone else in the picture... The best thing you can do right now, is become an absolute ghost. If he truly is not sure of how his life will be without you in it, show him... Take care of yourself, and put yourself first. 3
ZiggyZoo Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Additional: At Thanksgiving 3 months ago he, in front of his whole family, said that he was so happy for me to be there and that we as as a couple were celebrating our 2 year anniversary the following week. He told me to make sure I was including him in my graduation plans for this May. Why? I totally understand his fears. I get it completely especially for a guy to feel that this is the last person he will ever have sex with (btw our sex life was incredible). But why leave???? WHY? I am trying to find a reason. The ONLY plausible reasons I can think of are: 1. he was scared ****LESS. absolutely scared ****less enough to want to leave this. 2. hes never had to deal with any real adversity in his life: no deaths, no hardships, very wealthy family so hes rather spoiled. when things get hard, he gets frustrated and runs rather than fights for it. i think he did that here. 3. honeymoon phase was withering OBVIOUSLY. over 2 years - it wont be exactly the same as month 1 or 2. but thats also not a reason to just leave. I read a really nice quote somewhere that said, " The emotions become less intense until they stabilize into something that is just a part of your everyday life. Without the intensity, the motivation eventually fades, and that’s when things get comfortable. Once you’re in the comfort zone, the relationship either becomes stale and unappealing (this is when things don’t work out) or it evolves into a two-player team (this is when you stay in love), depending on what you do next. If you truly want to stay in love, you must always choose love — a choice built on the foundations of communication, acceptance and selflessness." 4. He was pretty selfish most times-- what HE wanted to do with his life and not what he wanted US to do together or what I necessarily wanted out of this relationship. 5. hes sort of insecure and may feel the need to conquer more women to feel empowered. 6. hes immature. he didnt understand and didnt "respect" his best friend for moving to Texas to be with his girlfriend. he doesnt understand the idea of sacrifice for the one you love. 7. he let pressure of our relationship consume him and the questioning of his family/friends to really realize how serious we were and wondered where this was all going. 8. maybe i gave him TOO much. maybe i was always TOO there and present and it maybe made him feel suffocated. but at the same time, i dont want to regret giving him my all because the right guy (mature, ready etc) would appreciate that fully and reciprocate it and even more. First of all, I'm sorry you got blindsided like this. That hurts, when you think all is well, and it absolutely isn't... I think you've got a few good answers right there. And as far as him acting in love with you before just up and leaving, poke around here. There's a lot of that going around. I personally think it's because they don't want to make any waves until the time to leave has arrived. The type of person who would just leave a relationship seemingly when everything is fine has either 1)tried all they can, and the dumpee just didn't get it until the very end, when the dumper leaves, or 2)is the type of person who avoids confrontation or any real talk about feelings. Or 3)they're seeing someone else, can't forget that one. Based on what you said about him crying hysterically about that text, I'd guess he's either seeing her (or at least interested in her) or very emotionally immature, and doesn't know how to have a constructive conversation about his feelings. You've even said he's made you upset in the past due to his lack of maturity...my money is on that. He's just not ready for a serious relationship right now.
Heatemyheart89 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hi there As much as it hurts , he has done you a favour . Better now than later . You are angry /upset because you invested so much in him . Time to invest in you . Go no contact & you want to hope he doesn't contact you , because you need someone who wants what you want . 2
mightycpa Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hi QSS, You know, I know it is difficult to believe, but you've got to stop worrying about why. It's completely unproductive because you're dwelling on things that you can't change. Does it really matter if he had a crush on his ex vs. he had a sudden epiphany about love vs. he just lost his feelings for you? In the end, he decided to leave, and you aren't happy with his decision. No reason is going to be good enough for you, is it? The other good news is that whoever the next boyfriend in the future is, he's going to stay or leave according to his own terms. It will have nothing to do with what this one did. I'd have a different opinion if I thought knowing why could give you some peace of mind. But it doesn't. You'll think his stated reasons are one or more of the following: insufficientinvalidevilstupidself-defeatingetc. Nobody ever says, "wow, my ex really had a good reason to abandon our love. I understand completely. He did the right thing." at least, not right away. First you have to become indifferent to the outcome. Then you can empathize a lot easier. Thinking about his reasons will keep you stuck in the past. You'll never really know, so to get through this quicker, you should focus on the what instead of the why. The "what" is that he's gone. This is easier said than done, but you can train yourself to stop dwelling on it. You'll save yourself a lot of useless misery that way. Good Luck OP. 4
flightplan Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 OP. been there, it sucks, I know. I recovered after about a year but I didn't get past it by trying to figure out why she did what she did. I had my theories but that's all they are. You will NEVER really, truly know why. I've said it before, people do what they feel is in their own best interest, REGARDLESS, of how well you think you know them... 1 month or ten years, it doesn't matter. I got through it, not by focusing on her, but by focusing on my needs. You're in the early stages and it will take time, but you will eventually realize you're not going to find relief from the pain by focusing on the "why's". Focus on healing and looking within and you'll come out a stronger person, ready for that individual you were meant to be with all along. 2
xinaxxsdertf Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Reading this from a guys perspective, he does sound immature and is throwing away something that he will most probably regret in the future. The thing with guys is we always think single life is fun because theres so many pretty girls out and about and it isnt that hard to pick them up. But the grass is definitely not greener on the other side and a thorough relationship will always be more than a one night stand. It sounds like you invested so much of yourself into this relationship and he ended up taking it for granted not knowing how lucky he is. I too invested all of myself into my ex girlfriend which made me feel a little bit insecure because i wanted just as much attention back but some people just dont give it and dont realise. You sound like the perfect girlfriend so i believe you deserve better and someone will come along and reciprocate evetything back. 3
Ieris Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 @Queseraseraxoxo ~ I know you're hurting and looking for answers but I hope you soon realize that it really doesn't matter one way or another because it all leads to the same outcome. You can ask your ex directly and he will probably lie to your face or give you another Oscar worthy performance or maybe he doesn't even know why himself... so don't let this closure thing slow down your recovery. The longer you dwell on this the longer you will suffer. He put on quite a show until the very end, it makes you wonder how well you really know that person. How much of what you had was real? How much of what they say was true? I know he said all those amazing things to you and maybe he meant most of it at the time but they are just words and don't mean anything if it is not reflected in his actions. He had a good thing going on with you but he let it all go and one day when he is being treated like crap by another girl he is going to realize how stupid he is for letting you go. Hopefully by then you'll be fully recovered, happy and know that you deserve someone who knows how to appreciate you and adores you. Your love and time is wasted on this one... x
Author Queseraseraxoxo Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you all!!! Time will heal everything. I just have to remind myself I did all I could.
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