cigares Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I'm in a long distance break-up now, after meeting the love of my life in Spain (his home) and spending almost every day together for four months (sounds short retrospectively, but it felt like years). We fell madly in love and knew we wanted a future together. It was both our first serious relationship, and neither of us had ever felt that way. Then came the time that I had to go home (I'm from Australia). We parted at Barcelona airport completely devastated, held together only by the light at the end of the tunnel: our beautiful future. LD was obviously not what either of us wanted but we accepted that it was something we had to endure in order to one day find a place to be together, heart and body. Cut to my return. The relationship deteriorated rapidly as soon as we were apart. Time zone clashes, jealousy, stubbornness led us to having terrible fights. I tried desperately to change, and I assume he did too, but things remained tense. The truth was we had no idea how to be LD, how to offer space or how to accept the situation. I learnt it the hard way the first time he broke up with me. He told me he no longer wanted a relationship, at all, though he still loved me a lot. He threw everything away (over the phone no less) in an instant. I was absolutely crushed, and in that heartbreak, realised exactly how much he meant to me. How much I loved him, how happy the relationship made me, despite us doing LD wrong. There was room for change, room for us to be better. So I got on a plane (two, actually) back to Spain after having just left for only two weeks. 30 hours travelling later, I surprised him at his door. I told him I didn't want to give up on something that was this important, this meaningful, after everything we had been through together, after how happy we'd been. That I loved him wholly, deeply, completely. By the end of the Spain revisit, it seemed he had been reminded of everything we shared. We spent the entirety of the last day just "being together" without anymore talk about this mess and he seemed like the happiest guy alive. I was hopeful. When he put me in a taxi for the last time, he asked me to wait for him. That he merely needed time to grow on his own and then return, assuring me that "this is the only future that I want, only with you" and "I will always love you". I left, not entirely happy, but hopeful. When I returned to Australia, we talked normally. And then less than a week after coming back home, he asked me to be with him again, to try to do it right this time. I told him that it was hard to trust his words after what he was capable of doing what he did, that I was afraid at the first sign of conflict he would leave again. That I couldn't cope if I had to go through it twice. He got annoyed at my doubt, and then offered me the most reassuring and heartfelt 'speech' to win me back, which ended with "I want to grow old with you, I want to die with you." I couldn't have turned him away, even if I tried. Everything after that was blissful for a good week or so. We laughed on FaceTime, talked frequently, were giving each other freedom to go out wherever, and were happy (or at least I felt so). We re-made plans of visits for the rest of 2015 and rough plans for 2016. He'd told me "everything will be okay" and after all that had happened, I finally started to think everything WOULD be. Cue to today. We had our usual morning phone call. We had our first small disagreement in awhile, which somehow then escalated into a fight. His response is always to hang up and never solve the conflict (which I cannot deal with). I told him that hanging up and letting the problem stay suspended above our heads would always be worse for us, after. Somehow it got to the point that I was asking him if he still needed me to be in his life to be happy. His response: "I don't think so." Then he went on to tell me that he believed he was forcing himself, that all of it had just been his own desperate desire to be somewhere he didn't really want to be (out of pity or guilt, maybe, he added), but that he thought he no longer loved me. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I couldn't breathe. He began to explain how his love had been "going down" and he couldn't stop it, I was not able to hear very much over the sound of my heart beating and my own gasps for breath ringing in my ears. Just like that. Just like that. He was doing it to me again. After practically yelling at me for doubting his "return". He was doing it to me again. I felt like someone had punched me right between the ribs. He asked to remain "in contact" because he "didn't want me to disappear" but I refused. There was no point. All that it could do was cause me more pain. As I had said to him, and as I tried not to imagine a second time, I can't cope. I am not coping. My heart refuses to be broken twice by the same person. My mind refuses to forget all the promises he made. It hurts so bad, I feel like I need painkillers. Why isn't love enough? How does one go on from this to ever love again?
sabd Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Cigares, you are spot on about not having contact with him now - it will only make everything a lot more difficult and prolong your pain. This is so fresh, you're going to need time to let it all sink in and deal with it. Be gentle on yourself, ok? I think he's emotionally immature and just cannot handle any kind of conflict at all. It's easier for him hang up / leave if things get uncomfortable instead of handling the situation and communicating. It also seems as if he's not a good candidate for a LDR - some people just can't do them - and you should realise that perhaps he can't have a relationship with someone who's not actually *there*. He's broken your heart twice now and the relationship is over. Its time for you to walk the long, hard path of getting over him and renewing your life. It won't be easy and it won't be quick just remember the all important NC rule - that'll help more than you know.
GoodFlora Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I'm so sorry that you feel this way I totally understand you because I'm passing through a similar situation. I also had to leave someone that I felt in love with after being together for 4 months. I know you feel so sad now and there will be a lot of pain for a while (I'm sorry to say). But like everything in life, it will go away. It's hard to see now, but you will feel better. Try to be around nice and caring people. Talk about this with supportive friends bc when we talk about our feelings it seems like part of the pain and the bad feelings goes away. Keep being strong! I wish you to feel better soon
Author cigares Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Thanks Sabd, I think you're really right about emotional immaturity. He has actually said once before to me that he "couldn't deal with conflict." That he can always see situations in which it's better to "walk away." I never understood this. What I should have probably added to the post is that my deep sense of loss has also given way to a sense of desperate hope. The sad, hopeful notion "maybe in a few years..." It's silly, right? But a girl can dream.
Author cigares Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you GoodFlora, I'm saddened to know we are both in such a bad place right now. Wishing you the best in your situation too, darling.
Ruby65 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 This has only just now happened -- and of course the pain is so intense! I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. But it's true, as posted above, that the pain does start to diminish with time. Just be sure and stick to No Contact, don't torture yourself by following him online. It's clear you had a very strong connection with him -- but I promise you, this guy is NOT the love of your life! Not even close. When you've gotten some more distance, you'll be able to see his actions more clearly.... the love of your life isn't going to bail so easily, over and over -- he's going to do whatever it takes to be together and stay together. That's part of really loving someone. Truly loving them, not just going along with the endorphin rush of the honeymoon phase. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Keep up with the No Contact! You really do sound great, given what you're going through. And you're going to feel much much better -- sooner than you think! 3
Author cigares Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 Thank you Ruby for that guide, I'm reading it thoroughly now. 1
MissLilly Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 ((((hugs)))) to you! I'm at the same place right now but my case is a bit more complicated (funny, he's also iberian but portuguese not spanish) than yours. I'm holding tight in here and you can do it too. It will get better!
Author cigares Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Oh big cuddles back to you Lilly! These mediterranean boys can be a handful, can't they? I wish you the best xx
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