d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I just feel like no one is getting why I am/was upset. You were upset because he lied. We ALL get that. What you don't get is that we all realize there is more to this then a FB like & a lie about who liked his post. It's about trust. You admit you are insecure. You admit you have triggers based on a past FI lying to you. Yet, you refuse to concede that those larger issues are coloring your relationship.
Author kchelle6888 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I suppose I just never looked at it that way
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I suppose I just never looked at it that way So now that you have this new perspective to consider, what are you going to do about fixing the problems? I presume you would still like to get married. So what's next? If you aren't already scheduled for some pre-marital counseling, get some. We found it invaluable. 2
TigerCub Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) Gotta agree with Barcode on this one. While it's not right for you fiance to lie OP - it seems like he just did it as a way to avoid a fight - based on your past reactions to him mentioning an ex. You admitted that you are insecure - I don't think that your fiance is 'blaming' your insecurity as much as he is trying to explain why he just lied about who she was. You said in some post something along the lines of 'if it's not big deal - why lie?' I'm guessing that was his initial thinking with these things - but then you showed him that you get pissed and so now he just avoids it. He still lied- that's wrong but he did it because the girl doesn't matter but your reaction to the mention of an ex makes it seem like it does. You guys need to work on insecurities and trust. Good luck to you. Edit - I just read a piece of info I missed before - so you were engaged before and that fiance lied and cheated. Here's the thing - this fiance shouldn't pay for some other guy's mistakes. You need to work these issues out. I understand that you can't trust easily now and you have triggers - so I hope you find a way to get past it - but this fiance shouldn't get the brunt of the consequences of guy #1. If this guy is for the most part treating you well, being honest with you, not flirting with other girls, not cheating not doing things to make you doubt him - then trust in him. You guys do still need to work on this incident, but you mainly need to work on you. Edited February 26, 2015 by TigerCub 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) OP, I admit when I started dating my bf I would occasionally lie to him on small issues to avoid arguments. When I would tell him the truth, he would give me the 3rd degree and not accept what I would tell him to the point where we would get into an argument. Of course, due to the lying we had trust issues in our relationship and would fight often. I would argue that if he wasn't so reactive, I would feel comfortable being honest and open with him. It angered him more that I was essentially blaming him for lying. Now, I tell him the truth 100% of the time and if I feel that his reaction is overblown and the conversation is starting to turn negative, I will step away and let him stew in it himself. If you want your partner to feel comfortable being honest and open with you all of the time, you must be open and receptive yourself. Communication is a 2-way street. Both parties must create an environment where they feel safe to express themselves to each other without fear of being attacked. BTW: It took a little while, but we've rebuilt the trust in our relationship. I stopped lying and he, in turn, started trusting me again. Edited February 26, 2015 by seekingpeaceinlove
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I think it's been blown out of proportion... Trust has been broken? I'm not sure if a white lie like that deserves such a statement. I get where you are coming from though, there are times in my past that I became insanely jealous...it WILL ruin a relationship. Either let it go, or take a step back. It'll all work out for the best.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 My buddy just broke up with his GF because she had jealousy problems. He broke it off with her and now she keeps trying to get back with him lol.
ascendotum Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 EDIT: The only reason he lied was because he knew you were probably going to freak out - I'm not saying it was right, but it's not some huge terrible lie that he got caught in. Why did you even care in the first place who commented on a photo of his on Facebook? Unfortunately this type of situation (small lie to avoid drama/argument) trips up a few guys and make them seem a lot shadier than they really are. It backfires if it gets uncovered like in this thread.
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