kchelle6888 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hey everyone! So long story short.. I caught my fiancé in a stupid lie about who a girl was on his Facebook and now I feel like I have to question everything he is doing via phone/Facebook. He works nights so I see him on weekends for the most part (we do live together). He seems to be too bust to text me during the day but he has plenty of time to be on Facebook? It really makes me mad and takes me back to why is it so important and why is it so hard for you to make time for me? I've mentioned it to him and he says he didn't realize he was hurting my feelings and it wasn't intentional. I have NEVER snooped on his phone or his Facebook. Now I have the urge to do so to either give myself peace of mind or see what's going on (if anything). I want to say I trust him.. but I obviously don't since I caught him in a lie. I just don't know how to get over it. I feel like I doubt every truth now because of that one lie ~~ again it was something so stupid to lie about.. makes me wonder what else he has lied about. Any advice? Should I go through his phone? If I did that I'm afraid of what I will find. Should I confront him? I don't know what to say or how to put into words if I do that either..
SycamoreCircle Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Can you elaborate on what he lied about? Generally, we subconsciously know something before we consciously know. You're questioning your conscious mind. What does that tell you?
Author kchelle6888 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 A girl that I have noticed he had been facebook friends way before we were together, had commented on a photo. Just out of curiosity, I asked who she was, and he said he had met her at a temporary job Nov of 2013. I knew that was a lie because we started dating beginning of that year and they were already friends.. and he was very adamant about not being friends on facebook with people he did not know.. so of course, HUGE red flag in my eyes. Later when I confronted him after calming down.. he said he lied because it was going to upset me because I get mad about every girl he talks to blah blah blah, basically attacking me. My response.. "well every girl you talk to pretty much is someone you have dated and slept with, how am I suppose to be okay with that?" So he was basically blaming MY insecurities on why he lied (that's how I see it anyways). But ever since this episode -- about 2 months ago -- I just don't trust him as far as who he's talking to or if he's talking to someone that he knows would upset me. I do try not to get upset if he has talked to an ex or whatever in the past.. but it does bug me. Its not something I would do to him because I just feel like its disrespectful. I know I have done what I feel is right by trying to not let it bother me.. but I guess I am just at my wits end
PegNosePete Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 he said he lied because it was going to upset me because I get mad about every girl he talks to blah blah blah My response to that would have been, pretty much what you wrote in your OP here. Don't you think that lying is worse, and how do you expect me to believe what you say from now on? Lying is one of the worst things in a relationship. It destroys trust and without trust, there is no relationship. I think you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about honesty and trust. Let him know that lying is NOT OK EVER. Well OK, it's allowed if he's planning on a surprise birthday party or something. But that's all. 1
Author kchelle6888 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Yes we had that discussion. That lying is never okay. I guess I am just still affected by it a few months later. I feel like if I bring it up again or try to "snoop" through his phone, I will be called a nag and he wont trust me for going through his phone.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 So, he blamed your insecurities? That's two strikes. 1
xxoo Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 When someone breaks your trust, they need to earn it back. Yes, confront him. Be honest yourself, and tell him that you don't fully trust him since his lie. Tell him that you have urges to snoop, but don't because you don't want to break his trust. Ask him if he can reassure you. There's no reason you can't sit together and use FB, for example. My H and I do it all the time, because he's always wanting to show me something one of his friends posted, and vice versa. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I do try not to get upset if he has talked to an ex or whatever in the past.. but it does bug me. Its not something I would do to him because I just feel like its disrespectful. Yes it is disrespectful if he is talking to an ex or exes. Why does he need to do that in the first place? An ego boost? Or maybe he harbors feelings for an ex? I feel like if I bring it up again or try to "snoop" through his phone, I will be called a nag and he wont trust me for going through his phone. Well having the inclination to want to snoop through his phone and/or Facebook means you already don't trust him. The action just confirms what you have been feeling already. I'm not sure how wise it is for you to continue this relationship, which may turn to marriage since you two are engaged to each other. If this issue has been existing since the beginning of the relationship, it will continue into marriage. Exchanging vows does not make these things magically disappear. Have an earnest discussion with him again. Explain your worries and how you find his behavior disrespectful. But be tactful, don't attack him. If he gets defensive, and attacks you, then he isn't really open to having anything change. At that point, start considering ending the relationship because you know very well it's not healthy. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Holy **** some girl he USED to date COMMENTED on his Photo and you're going to DEFCON 1? Do you know how crazy this sounds? I have friends/family who are still friends on Facebook with their Ex's. Who cares. If I were him I'd think you're being over-controlling. And yes if you go through his phone, you have some major boundary issues. EDIT: The only reason he lied was because he knew you were probably going to freak out - I'm not saying it was right, but it's not some huge terrible lie that he got caught in. Why did you even care in the first place who commented on a photo of his on Facebook? Edited February 25, 2015 by barcode88 4
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Putting your wedding plans on hold. You two have too many issues to maintain a marriage. According to you every woman he talks to is somebody he's seen naked. I believe in pre-existing platonic friends but not continued interactions with EXs. Why you accepted his proposal in this environment is problem #1. You getting bent over a FB post adds fuel to the fire. While lying is never OK I think most people would do alot, including tell what they perceive to be white lies, to avoid big dramatic scenes. I'm hoping his lie about who she was means that she's little more than somebody he used to know now & not something you need to be concerned about. That said, you don't trust him. How can you marry somebody you don't trust? Whatever the specifics, this boils down to lack of trust & poor communication on both sides (lying v. histrionics). Until & unless you fix both of those problems. you shouldn't marry. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Putting your wedding plans on hold. You two have too many issues to maintain a marriage. According to you every woman he talks to is somebody he's seen naked. I believe in pre-existing platonic friends but not continued interactions with EXs. Why you accepted his proposal in this environment is problem #1. You getting bent over a FB post adds fuel to the fire. While lying is never OK I think most people would do alot, including tell what they perceive to be white lies, to avoid big dramatic scenes. I'm hoping his lie about who she was means that she's little more than somebody he used to know now & not something you need to be concerned about. That said, you don't trust him. How can you marry somebody you don't trust? Whatever the specifics, this boils down to lack of trust & poor communication on both sides (lying v. histrionics). Until & unless you fix both of those problems. you shouldn't marry. Well.. Some ex's deserve to be removed from all possible contact - others it isn't such a big deal (in my eyes). Anyways he can't control the other woman commenting on one of his photos he posts. I agree - they should call off their wedding due to comments on facebook No - I'm actually being serious here lol. They're going to have some catastrophic conflicts down the road if this one is even on the radar. 1
preraph Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 He outright lied to you, so no, you shouldn't trust him. And then he tried to deflect the blame onto you, and that's not nice either. But does this mean he's hooked up with her recently? No. Does it mean he's at least a little interested? Yes. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Based on the responses its apparent men and women view this much differently. I think most guys would agree with me that a facebook friend commenting on your photo is pretty meaningless.. Lol. Seems like women see it as something else.
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Based on the responses its apparent men and women view this much differently. I think most guys would agree with me that a facebook friend commenting on your photo is pretty meaningless.. Lol. Seems like women see it as something else. No. the important part is that when the OP/FI asked who the girl who made the comment was, the BF lied & said it was a work colleague when in fact it was an EX. Yes, a FB "like" is no big deal. Lying about who he is then telling the GF/FI/OP that she "made" him lie is a huge problem. 2
Gloria25 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 No. the important part is that when the OP/FI asked who the girl who made the comment was, the BF lied & said it was a work colleague when in fact it was an EX. Yes, a FB "like" is no big deal. Lying about who he is then telling the GF/FI/OP that she "made" him lie is a huge problem. Agreed ^^ but I'm still not cool with "liking" pictures and certain things from an ex. I mean, on my FB feed, I get pictures and/or selfies of guys that are married to and/or dating friends and/or family of mine and I do not "like" and/or comment on them...that's just not cool, IMO. Now, if it's a pic of the two of them, ok, then I'll "like" and/or comment.
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I mean, on my FB feed, I get pictures and/or selfies of guys that are married to and/or dating friends and/or family of mine and I do not "like" and/or comment on them...that's just not cool, IMO. Now, if it's a pic of the two of them, ok, then I'll "like" and/or comment. Everybody draws these lines different places. The key is to talk about your boundaries with your partner & talk about what you both are OK with. I'm a flirty girl so believe me, my DH "liking" something on FB doesn't even make my radar. The only time I got annoyed was when some chick from DH's high school posted some comment about a picture DH posted of our dog. It was along the lines of she was going to come over & take the dog because DH didn't deserve him. I replied with something along the lines of "hands off the dog!" 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I have NEVER snooped on his phone or his Facebook. That, as a stand-alone phrase is rather oxymoronic, as 90+% of all that goes on at Facebook is exactly 'snooping', and you are guilty. (99.999+ % if you count what Facebook is constantly doing to its members) And now it seems we've caught you in a lie: A girl that I have noticed he had been facebook friends way before we were together, had commented on a photo. Just out of curiosity, I asked who she was, and he said he had met her at a temporary job Nov of 2013. I knew that was a lie because we started dating beginning of that year and they were already friends. If two people, as a couple, even HAVE Facebook, they are effecting their own eventual mutual distrust, and of course the distrust will always flare-up on one side first, and this is what you're experiencing. You brought it upon yourself.
Gloria25 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Everybody draws these lines different places. The key is to talk about your boundaries with your partner & talk about what you both are OK with. I'm a flirty girl so believe me, my DH "liking" something on FB doesn't even make my radar. The only time I got annoyed was when some chick from DH's high school posted some comment about a picture DH posted of our dog. It was along the lines of she was going to come over & take the dog because DH didn't deserve him. I replied with something along the lines of "hands off the dog!" Now see, we all interpret stuff our own way...but I wouldn't of had take what that ex said the way you did. BUT, I'd still probably be annoyed cuz the comment came from an "ex". I don't believe in being friends with an "ex". When someone turns into my "ex" I banish them to the Island of Exes - never to return. 2
Elias33 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 That, as a stand-alone phrase is rather oxymoronic, as 90+% of all that goes on at Facebook is exactly 'snooping', and you are guilty. (99.999+ % if you count what Facebook is constantly doing to its members) And now it seems we've caught you in a lie: If two people, as a couple, even HAVE Facebook, they are effecting their own eventual mutual distrust, and of course the distrust will always flare-up on one side first, and this is what you're experiencing. You brought it upon yourself. What is publicly shared on Facebook, can be looked at freely, without it being considered snooping. The definition snooping holds true only, if she somehow would access his account in order to retrieve private messages and the like. So no, it is NOT considered snooping, it just sounds cuter to say it like that. What I think is this, if you are in a relationship, and the relationship you have with other women, or your ex's are more important than your current one, I think you have problems. Especially when a guy turns it around, and puts the blame on her, that is a HUGE red flag. It's a defensive mechanism, there is something up. But in truth, it doesn't matter now, because there is no trust, and the relationship is in deep waters. With the guy being dismissive about all this, and not recognizing the crisis within the relationship, I don't see this end up well. 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) OP, do you ever think he might have lied because you come off as a control freak about minor things sometimes? Your Boyfriend is allowed to talk to other women - his remark makes me think that you're the jealous GF type who won't let him even have a friendly convo with another female. I'm not excusing his lie - he shouldn't have done that. But you seem to be finding problems in silly places. Was this woman an Ex Girlfriend, Girl he dated, or what? It's not unusual for people who had amicable breakups to remain friends on social media. Now if he had recent Facebook Messenger chats with this old flame, that would be a different story. But a mere photo comment? Cmon.. You can do better than that. Why don't you guys talk it out, and ask him how HE FEELS. Essentially your relationship has no trust and it's probably not meant to be. You can't trust him because of his lie. He can't trust you because you control him. Edited February 25, 2015 by barcode88 2
Author kchelle6888 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I don't know who the girl is. I don't feel that I am snooping when the girl commented on the same photo I commented on, so I got the notification. I just curiously asked who she was because I had never asked before. Yeah he probably DID lie to avoid a huge fight.. but I caught him in the lie. If she is no one and not a big deal, then why lie in the first place? I don't think this is something that I should end our relationship over ~I am merely trying to seek help on how to get past it. I don't want to be paranoid because he lied and now have to question every truth. I am not controlling at all. Yes women think and feel differently than men. If something bothers us and we confront it, we are often referred to as being a nag or insecure.. (at least in my experience). 1
Author kchelle6888 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 That, as a stand-alone phrase is rather oxymoronic, as 90+% of all that goes on at Facebook is exactly 'snooping', and you are guilty. (99.999+ % if you count what Facebook is constantly doing to its members) And now it seems we've caught you in a lie: If two people, as a couple, even HAVE Facebook, they are effecting their own eventual mutual distrust, and of course the distrust will always flare-up on one side first, and this is what you're experiencing. You brought it upon yourself. And what have I lied about?
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 If she is no one and not a big deal, then why lie in the first place? I don't think this is something that I should end our relationship over ~I am merely trying to seek help on how to get past it. I don't want to be paranoid because he lied and now have to question every truth. I am not controlling at all. The above contains contradictions. I agree with you that if she is nobody there was no need to lie But since you realize he probably lied to avoid a huge scene, do you understand that by making a scene about every woman you are contributing to the problem? As for not being controlling if you question every thing he says going forward you are controlling because he will sensor himself. He will weigh every word choice to avoid the drama. At this point, while you don't have to break up, you can't get married. You have to work on trust, some of which he has to earn back. You both have to work on communication -- him to tell the truth & you to pick your battles. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 I don't know who the girl is. I don't feel that I am snooping when the girl commented on the same photo I commented on, so I got the notification. I just curiously asked who she was because I had never asked before. Yeah he probably DID lie to avoid a huge fight.. but I caught him in the lie. If she is no one and not a big deal, then why lie in the first place? I don't think this is something that I should end our relationship over ~I am merely trying to seek help on how to get past it. I don't want to be paranoid because he lied and now have to question every truth. I am not controlling at all. Yes women think and feel differently than men. If something bothers us and we confront it, we are often referred to as being a nag or insecure.. (at least in my experience). Why did it matter who she was? I'd say close to half my friends on Facebook are Women and they comment on my stuff from time to time. If my significant other was questioning me everytime some girl did something on Facebook - I would probably think they're a bit insecure and controlling. If I felt like it was going to cause a huge fight for no reason - would I lie? Probably not - but I'd see why someone else would. It sounds like neither of you trust each other - and you're both at least half to blame. If your BF didn't think you'd get insecure and be upset he probably would have been a lot more forthcoming with you - a sign that HE doesn't trust YOU. The fact that this is even on your radar and an issue shows that you are a controlling person at some level. Your relationship should be built on a foundation of trust - if you are having to challenge him on who comments on his Facebook - you aren't trusting him. You have bigger issues than this silly problem. Don't get married. Edit: Well said d0n. 1
Author kchelle6888 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I don't make "scenes" to every woman that comments or whatever. This was one case where I have actually caught him lying ~ over what I feel was super petty. I know of times he has talked to exes, because he has told me, he wasn't hiding the matter -- doesn't mean I still agree or like it. Do I have insecurity issues? Yes. That is a battle within myself that I am working on daily. I have been engaged before, he lied, cheated, etc. So certain things will trigger those old horrible feelings my ex once gave me to experience. I do try to not overreact. I do try to see things from his perspective. I DO want to trust him and now have to think he is lying or keeping something behind my back. I just feel like no one is getting why I am/was upset.
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