NC 4weeks, whats the next step?

[Satu]

You are not doing NC.

 

You think you are, but you're not.

 

NC means:

 

No direct contact in either direction, neither sending nor receiving.

No indirect contact via third parties.

No monitoring of social media.

No 'little birds' feeding you news.

 

By leaving yourself open to contact from her, you are working against your best interests, and compromising yourself.

 

Block her on everything and do NC properly, rather just kidding yourself that you are.

 

Plug those holes and focus on yourself and your recovery.

[lumberjac]

thank you mikey for your advice.

I'm just wondering what's everyone's view on this?

 

I would like to hear more

[lumberjac]

my head has been in two minds all day today. The debate between complete NC or go onto LC.

 

would LC not be a better option in my situation?

[smellysocksuni]

guys, she just messaged me on whatsapp, just a "hey, how are you?"

I know I shouldn't reply but I really want to :/

 

Last time we had a conversation was 6 weeks ago.

and the last time she messaged me was 2 weeks ago but I've not reply.

 

Is it a bad idea if we just exchange a couple message? LC?

 

I'm worry if I dont reply she will think I hate her, which I dont.

 

Did you reply?

[Cxpher]

I have thought about this long and hard across a long time and i'll share my thoughts. Hopefully it might help some of you.

 

Take note that this applies to love in general and friendship love is inclusive.

I always asked myself, whenever i hurt someone, accidentally or otherwise, why did i do it?

The answer i came to was that usually, my intentions were not malicious, but my actions have hurt someone as a result even though my intentions were positive.

Next question was, how do i solve this problem?

The answer i FIRST came to was to apologize and try my best to win the person's heart back. So i apologized and tried and tried.

At the end, i won some back but most of them gave up on me.

Then my next question was, how do i prevent this from happening? Do i walk on eggshells around people and not be myself?

The answer i got to that was actually in love itself. A few key points that are subsets of love.

Empathy. Care. Putting yourself in other's shoes. Pre-empting such feelings and thoughts before any action allowed me to assess how much damage any action was going to cause and as such, allowed me to feel how others feel before they usually felt it.

I was able to stop losing friends/family/loved ones. In fact, my relationships with others got much better.

I realized that i wasn't walking on eggshells at all. This is what it means to love.

 

This specific part applies to romantic relationships

Then i asked myself, what about the people that hurt me? Especially in romantic relationships.

 

I realized then that the people who hurt me, were usually either at the first question i asked myself or earlier. This does not mean they are bad people. They just haven't reached the conclusion.

 

And that conclusion is that your partner, may have 1001 problems. They may be abusive towards you in some sense (although physically abusive relationships are the one thing you need to stay away from), some of them may have a bad temper, some may made other mistakes, some may not listen to the little thins you tell them but only deliver big, some may not be accepted by your family..

 

Whatever it is, the only answer is the last one i got.

 

Love is not about you. It is about what you can do for another without expectations and with careful thought about every action and how it affects them.

 

If you are someone who feels that love is about you, then perhaps love isn't. It's easy to settle for the subsets of love like companionship. Lots of people out there simply want that.

 

To love is to feel all that i felt for another person. Be it a friend or a teacher. Or a romantic partner.

 

Day in and day out.

 

If you cannot make that decision for a partner, then you are not ready for a relationship with that partner and you need to work on getting there. If the partner likewise, cannot make a decision like that for you, then the same applies to him or her.

 

A successful, long-term and loving relationship requires exactly that from both parties. Anything less than that and it will fade and die prematurely.

 

In conclusion, this person, is not ready for you and she may never be. It is best to ask yourself if you're ready to love like i said here and if you are, to find someone who is also ready for a long and fulfilling relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

thank you mikey for your advice.

I'm just wondering what's everyone's view on this?

 

I would like to hear more

 

My view is that mikey is completely wrong. I know of several dumpers, guys and girls, who have said exactly what mikey says is never said. Hell, I had an ex-girlfriend say that to me at one point.

 

You aren't able to handle contact right now, so don't. Do not be in contact with your ex until a) she comes over the top and lets you know she messed up and wants you back or b) until you really couldn't care less what the result of contact is. If she told you that she hates you, hopes your celibate forever, hopes you drops dead and shares details of a relationship with a new boyfriend she loves and your response is "meh, whatever", then you are capable of contact.

[lumberjac]

hey Suni, nope I've not reply. Was debating so hard actually, checking on here every 10 minutes see if I got a new reply from you guys ha. I've read enough threads to know I shouldn't reply, its just half of my head was like "talk to her, see what she wants!"

 

But nah, I didn't do it. It's too late for me to reply now anyway, if I do it now it would just be awkward.

 

Thank you for the replies though. I think I just want us to get back together. I miss her...

[lumberjac]

Just an update, or rather as a note to myself.

 

today marks the day that I went full NC, and I'm feeling good.

I've unfollowed her on all the social media since the break up, thats 6 weeks ago. But I didnt block her on whatsapp and instagram, so she could still see my new posts. Well not anymore, she decided to leave so she doesnt get to be part of my life.

 

Shes a great person. we broke in good terms. but I just love her too much, and I can never be friends with her. It's sad.

 

Oh something funny happened when I was heading home from uni. I was walking on the street and these two Sisters (the god army), approached me and asked if they could talk to me. I was in a rather good mood and up for a chat so I said yeh. we talked for a bit and I asked if they think "things happen for a reason" and they gave me some interesting answers.

 

Anyway that was something different, and its good to know god is still around looking out for me. lol.

 

 

I'm not 100% sure, but I hope I've done the right thing here.

I need you guys support!

[smellysocksuni]

hey Suni, nope I've not reply. Was debating so hard actually, checking on here every 10 minutes see if I got a new reply from you guys ha. I've read enough threads to know I shouldn't reply, its just half of my head was like "talk to her, see what she wants!"

 

But nah, I didn't do it. It's too late for me to reply now anyway, if I do it now it would just be awkward.

 

Thank you for the replies though. I think I just want us to get back together. I miss her...

 

Hey

 

Good, I'm glad you didn't reply - keep it up!

 

And of course you'll miss her, but you know.. that will definitely fade over time

[lumberjac]

is it a bad idea to send a quick "happy mothers day" text to my ex's mum?

 

its just that we got along so well and she was so nice to me the whole time, I think I now miss her parents more than my ex haha.

[lumberjac]

Hey just writing an update, not sure if anyone actually read this haha.

so It's been slightly over 2 months since I last saw my ex and spoke in person, and over 6 weeks of NC. It's been kinda though, not knowing what she's up to. And I do have those moments when I want to speak to her etc, especially when I saw something that reminds me of her. But I managed not to contact her.

 

She's still on my mind most of the time, everyday. but she doesn't have any effect on me anymore, as in I no longer feel sad or have the heartache. Man the heartache, that pain is horrid, not had that in ages so I forgot what it's like!

 

I did a lot of thinking in the past two months, kept going through what happened, think about how me and her can get back together etc. And I think my brain starting to get bored of it and these thoughts are fading, I don't think about her as much. Also I'm in my final bachelor year at uni right now so I'm very busy and have been concentrating on the work.

 

If you ask me if I want to get back with her right now I would probably say 50/50, or even 60/40, as in 40% of me want her back. Not that I dont love her anymore, I do, I still care about her. But she's the one who pushed me away, and I'm now rebuilding and back to my single life. I've got a few plans on travelling after uni, and I'm thinking to stay in another country for my year out so that's pretty exciting. If I was still with her I wouldn't think about travelling or leaving the country at all.

 

Part of me want to contact her, ask her for a catch up, as a friend. After all we've been pals for so long and shes a great girl. I'm not sure about that yet, not sure if I'm really ready for it, plus I have no idea what she's up to right now so that might not be "appropriate". I think I will send her a message and ask her before I leave the country to see if she want to meet up. But thats like two months away so I'll see how things go, my brain will probably think otherwise by then, or something might pop up. Life's full of surprises right?

[Throldur]

Hey just writing an update, not sure if anyone actually read this haha.

so It's been slightly over 2 months since I last saw my ex and spoke in person, and over 6 weeks of NC. It's been kinda though, not knowing what she's up to. And I do have those moments when I want to speak to her etc, especially when I saw something that reminds me of her. But I managed not to contact her.

 

She's still on my mind most of the time, everyday. but she doesn't have any effect on me anymore, as in I no longer feel sad or have the heartache. Man the heartache, that pain is horrid, not had that in ages so I forgot what it's like!

 

I did a lot of thinking in the past two months, kept going through what happened, think about how me and her can get back together etc. And I think my brain starting to get bored of it and these thoughts are fading, I don't think about her as much. Also I'm in my final bachelor year at uni right now so I'm very busy and have been concentrating on the work.

 

If you ask me if I want to get back with her right now I would probably say 50/50, or even 60/40, as in 40% of me want her back. Not that I dont love her anymore, I do, I still care about her. But she's the one who pushed me away, and I'm now rebuilding and back to my single life. I've got a few plans on travelling after uni, and I'm thinking to stay in another country for my year out so that's pretty exciting. If I was still with her I wouldn't think about travelling or leaving the country at all.

 

Part of me want to contact her, ask her for a catch up, as a friend. After all we've been pals for so long and shes a great girl. I'm not sure about that yet, not sure if I'm really ready for it, plus I have no idea what she's up to right now so that might not be "appropriate". I think I will send her a message and ask her before I leave the country to see if she want to meet up. But thats like two months away so I'll see how things go, my brain will probably think otherwise by then, or something might pop up. Life's full of surprises right?

 

What's to be gained by contacting her before you leave the country? You have plans, goals, aspirations, none of which involve her. I see zero reason why you would want to bring her back into your life at this point. Go out of the country, meet some foreign girls, blow off some steam after graduating University, get some experiences that will actually be good interesting conversation pieces for future dates.. if she wants you back when you move back and that's something you want to pursue, think about it then, but don't message her before you go, get conflicted because there will also be residual feelings, and then end up backing out of doing something you clearly want to do for yourself.

 

If you were 100% wanting her back.. that's a different story. You are unsure. Uncertainty will kill you and may lead to future regrets. If this is what you want to do. Don't regret not doing it because you broke NC at the last possible moment.

[lumberjac]

Guys guess what, she just text me (we never use text as we always used either fb or whatsapp, and I've blocked her on both), saying:

 

"I've been thinking about you today, the card you sent me, its been about a year"

 

Shes talking about the "love card" I wrote her around this time last year.

Ah, not going to lie to you guys, I really want to reply. Half of my head is like: reply her! open the conversation and it might go somewhere! And the other half is like: Oh man no no no don't do it, she's just missing you as a buddy. She'll stop the message once she know youre still around.

 

Guess I was right to say I'm 50/50 right now, half want her back, half doesn't care.

Best to stick to NC then? Any other advice?

 

ps. Talking about coincidence! There's me writing about her then she just text me out of no where, I wasn't expect that at all!

[lumberjac]

What's to be gained by contacting her before you leave the country? You have plans, goals, aspirations, none of which involve her. I see zero reason why you would want to bring her back into your life at this point. Go out of the country, meet some foreign girls, blow off some steam after graduating University, get some experiences that will actually be good interesting conversation pieces for future dates.. if she wants you back when you move back and that's something you want to pursue, think about it then, but don't message her before you go, get conflicted because there will also be residual feelings, and then end up backing out of doing something you clearly want to do for yourself.

 

If you were 100% wanting her back.. that's a different story. You are unsure. Uncertainty will kill you and may lead to future regrets. If this is what you want to do. Don't regret not doing it because you broke NC at the last possible moment.

 

Thanks man for the reply. It really makes sense.

I've been thinking, since I'm really busy with all the university work right now. I think I should just concentrate on the work and not think about anything to do with her right now. And see what the future holds for me.

[Throldur]

Thanks man for the reply. It really makes sense.

I've been thinking, since I'm really busy with all the university work right now. I think I should just concentrate on the work and not think about anything to do with her right now. And see what the future holds for me.

 

That's probably the right decision for you. You're 50/50. Which means you're not entirely sold on it. There's doubt and if there's doubt there's no use risk blowing it all up, all the progress and newfound aspirations for something that you're not even confident you want.

 

It's been ~4 months since my break-up. Almost 2 months since NC was fully established (there were broken moments when the ex gave me the kitten we got together, and we had to fix a joint cell-phone bill). I know I'm a 100% want her back if she were to move back here, realize she gave up on me out of fear/fantasy of moving away fixing her problems with herself, and was committed on her end to making it work (I.E. under my conditions). If I were at 50/50 like yourself, I know I wouldn't be making contact with her, especially if I've made good, solid, healthy plans that don't involve her.

[lumberjac]

That's probably the right decision for you. You're 50/50. Which means you're not entirely sold on it. There's doubt and if there's doubt there's no use risk blowing it all up, all the progress and newfound aspirations for something that you're not even confident you want.

 

It's been ~4 months since my break-up. Almost 2 months since NC was fully established (there were broken moments when the ex gave me the kitten we got together, and we had to fix a joint cell-phone bill). I know I'm a 100% want her back if she were to move back here, realize she gave up on me out of fear/fantasy of moving away fixing her problems with herself, and was committed on her end to making it work (I.E. under my conditions). If I were at 50/50 like yourself, I know I wouldn't be making contact with her, especially if I've made good, solid, healthy plans that don't involve her.

 

I think part of the reason why I'm 50/50 is because she was the one who broke it off, I dont think it's up to me if we can get back together. And I don't think I'm ready to be "reject" again or settle for friends.

I want her back, but I don't want to be hurt again if you get me?

 

I can't tell if she want me back romantically or not from these texts.

[Throldur]

I think part of the reason why I'm 50/50 is because she was the one who broke it off, I dont think it's up to me if we can get back together. And I don't think I'm ready to be "reject" again or settle for friends.

I want her back, but I don't want to be hurt again if you get me?

 

I can't tell if she want me back romantically or not from these texts.

 

Well, this is up to you man. What is more important to you, think this through, she won't care if she truly wants you back if you take time..

 

Is it more important for you to focus on school, take a year abroad, live free, experience life, and then come back to reality, get a career, get established and if a girl comes along during, great, if not, when you're established you can look for that missing piece..

 

Or is she the girl of your dreams that has all the qualities that you would look for in someone? Is she irreplaceable? If you truly believe, 100 percent, that she's the girl you would want to spend the rest of your life with.. Then you can message her back, but you've got to lay it out on the line.. I would be like.. "You meant the world to me but you broke my heart when you left. I'm not anyone's second choice and if you aren't serious about being in a mature, adult relationship with an eye toward the future, then I would appreciate it if you would not contact me further. If you are messaging me out of the blue because you are having second thoughts about your decision, then we can meet up and talk it out, but breaking up with me has hurt my trust in you and it is going to take a lot of time for that to be built back up again. If you're not willing to put that effort forward then, again, please refrain from contacting me. Things will have to go at my pace and you'll have to accept that."

 

Obviously write it in your own tone.. but just be completely clear that you're not a second choice, you're not a doormat. That if she wants to be with you again, things go according to YOU, not according to her, she forfeited that right when she dumped you. You'll only decide to give it a second chance IF after talking it out, you see some sincerity and genuine remorse for the choices she made and even then, you will have to start as friends on casual dates.. and basically start from scratch because YOU have to be able to trust her and you have to be sure that you don't let her in just to have her destroy you again.

[lumberjac]

Thanks for the reply man.

Thats a very rational and direct message, I'll use that if I'm going to reply her.

 

Still not sure though, think I'm going to wait til tomorrow when I get up and see what my fresh mind says. What do everyone else think? need more insight from different perspectives.

[BC1980]

Guys guess what, she just text me (we never use text as we always used either fb or whatsapp, and I've blocked her on both), saying:

 

"I've been thinking about you today, the card you sent me, its been about a year"

 

Shes talking about the "love card" I wrote her around this time last year.

Ah, not going to lie to you guys, I really want to reply. Half of my head is like: reply her! open the conversation and it might go somewhere! And the other half is like: Oh man no no no don't do it, she's just missing you as a buddy. She'll stop the message once she know youre still around.

 

Guess I was right to say I'm 50/50 right now, half want her back, half doesn't care.

Best to stick to NC then? Any other advice?

 

ps. Talking about coincidence! There's me writing about her then she just text me out of no where, I wasn't expect that at all!

 

I wouldn't reply to that text. I know it seems like a big deal, but it really isn't unless she clearly says she wants to try again. Most likely, she was triggered to think about you because of the time frame (it's been a year), and she made the emotional reaction to reach out. I doubt she thought it through. A lot of time, dumpers reach out just because they feel like it in the moment. They don't think of it in the bigger picture, and they don't see it as something that will hurt you.

 

My ex gave me a card on what would have been our anniversary, which was 2 months after we broke up. He would do weird stuff like that, and it meant nothing. He had a birthday gift delivered to my house, and I honestly think a lot of that stuff was done to keep me on the line in case he changed his mind. All of it kind of takes on a different picture when you realize it's more about them than a genuine desire to connect or be with you.

[Throldur]

Thanks for the reply man.

Thats a very rational and direct message, I'll use that if I'm going to reply her.

 

Still not sure though, think I'm going to wait til tomorrow when I get up and see what my fresh mind says. What do everyone else think? need more insight from different perspectives.

 

That's smart. Take some time to reflect. Like I said, if there's some genuine interest on her part.. how long you take to respond won't matter. If it's not genuine and just stupid game-play.. then it's better to know now.

[Riptide91]

I'm with Throldur on the message he gave as an example of IF you reply. I kind of feel like that message isn't really a "I want you back" but maybe more of a "I'm bored and he popped into my head today". Do what you feel is right lumberjac, you've given me some great advice so I hope you make the choice that will help you in the long run.

 

hahahha.... My ex just texted me as I wrote this, no joke. I, for one, will NOT be replying.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[Throldur]

I'm with Throldur on the message he gave as an example of IF you reply. I kind of feel like that message isn't really a "I want you back" but maybe more of a "I'm bored and he popped into my head today". Do what you feel is right lumberjac, you've given me some great advice so I hope you make the choice that will help you in the long run.

 

hahahha.... My ex just texted me as I wrote this, no joke. I, for one, will NOT be replying.

 

GOOD LUCK!

 

Haha, that's an odd coencidence. I know if my ex is to ever contact me again it's going to be months and months down the line. I hate 2015.

 

I was at a party last night and this girl was crying about how tough the year had been for her and literally it was because he truck got stuck, had to get a cab to work and like some minor other ****..

 

I lost it.. I was like, You are here tonight with a boyfriend who loves you, you've got a home you are paying for and you've got a great family.. I lost the love of my life, she moved away, left me with the kitten after lying about geting it fixed so I got stuck with the bill after losing my job, my brand new car had the front end smash and window chipped, my best friend lost two dogs I've known since childhood, there was a death in the family and my father needs hip replacement surgery.. Feel what you want to feel, express yourself, but if you think that **** is bad, you should be jumping for ****ing joy that that's the worst you got coming to you.

[lumberjac]

Been thinking quite a bit today and still not really sure, think both sides have about the same number of pros and cons.

 

I'm a quite surprised that I can't decide whats a better option for myself. I have a pretty clear mind and able to give advice on here, but thats when reading other people's story.

And I can't seem to do the same for myself, I still have feelings for her I guess? but I learnt that I should stay on NC so my head is in two minds right now.

 

There's a saying that Doctors shouldn't diagnose themselves or their family, cause the doctor don't have the fair and full picture. I think the same principles can apply to us when we are "lost". I think that's whats happening to me anyway. And thats why I would like you guy's advice, you see it from a different perspective and have a full and unbiased picture.

[Throldur]

Been thinking quite a bit today and still not really sure, think both sides have about the same number of pros and cons.

 

I'm a quite surprised that I can't decide whats a better option for myself. I have a pretty clear mind and able to give advice on here, but thats when reading other people's story.

And I can't seem to do the same for myself, I still have feelings for her I guess? but I learnt that I should stay on NC so my head is in two minds right now.

 

There's a saying that Doctors shouldn't diagnose themselves or their family, cause the doctor don't have the fair and full picture. I think the same principles can apply to us when we are "lost". I think that's whats happening to me anyway. And thats why I would like you guy's advice, you see it from a different perspective and have a full and unbiased picture.

 

Don't do anything to try and get her back unless you can't picture yourself living without them. If you're not 100% in your conviction to spending the rest of your life with them.. it's a waste of your time and energy and hers.

[lumberjac]

Right I've decided not to reply to her. Her saying "I was thinking about you" actually got me to think about replying to her, but it's not clear from that msg if she want to get back, and I shouldn't settle for that even if she does want to get back. I'm not that easy, I worth more than that.

 

But its good to know that shes been thinking about me! something I was wondering before.

 

Thanks Throldur and Riptide