lumberjac Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 My 9 moths long gf broke up with me exactly a month ago over the phone. We met up 5 days after that to talk about it face to face, she gave me a letter which explain pretty clearly. Saying I'm the most amazing person she ever met, her dream, the best she could ask for. but it didn't feel right for her. Because of her depression and anxiety she felt like we were too different from each other: im stable, she has all the ups and downs. and once she realised this she had to let it go, she didn't drag it on, and hence the 180' change one afternoon. I went on NC the night we met, after a few more messages, one of which was "If I could press a button and be the person with you right now I would". We ended in good terms so I only unfollowed her on all social media, and I have no idea what shes been up to. but I've not block her. She sent me a couple msgs on facebook since BU which I've not reply. And last week she sent me a msg on whatsapp saying Happy New Year x (I'm chinese), I replied thank you. Last night she sent me a screenshot of my new instagram photo on whatsapp and said she love it, and I've not reply yet either. Now I'm just not sure what to do. I went on NC to heal and I would say I'm feeling alright now. I do think about her from time to time, but at least it doesn't hurt when I do. I would like you guys point of view, and what I should do right now. Obviously I won't settle for just friendship, that's why I want to try, and see if we could get a second chance. Do I reply to her latest msg? keeping minimal contact? or leave it for a wee bit longer?
jus d'orange Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 It is difficult to tell from how little she has actually messaged you, but my guess is that the little things she is sending you are just her trying to miss you less, but without really looking to reconcile and give it a second chance. I don't have any personal experience with it, but the common wisdom goes that if somebody broke up the relationship like that with you cleanly, they'll usually not be shy about knocking down your door (figuratively) to let you know that they've changed their mind. Being coy and sending you small little messages isn't much of a gesture, and it could really hurt you to respond and build up hope that she may be coming back when all she wants is a brief emotional reprieve. I'd recommend not responding and sticking to NC, or if you really feel like it's necessary you can ask her to not contact you unless she's looking to reconnect in a serious way, because you need time and space to heal. Because I don't know her, it's not impossible that her little messages are ways of testing the water before she reaches out in a big way, but again I don't think that's the common wisdom. 1
Rainoflight Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 My guess is that she is realising you are not there anymore and even if she is the dumper, this things scare the living hell out of you. You continue what you do, brother. don't go back.
Author lumberjac Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Thanks for the replies. I would say I'm 90% healed, I think it's just the fact that I still want her back, and for us to be together. And to reconcile I thought it would be better to keep minimal contacts. I guss I'm at a stage where it is time to reach out if I want things to change, otherwise it'll be too late and I'll have no choice but think that me and her won't happen again. But am I right to think that the reason you guys are suggesting me to keep NC is so I can move on? and if she wants to come back she'll make it clear?
Ruby65 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 It sounds like you're following one of those "how to get your ex back" programs.... really, you think you're 90% healed after just four weeks and not even cutting contact during that time? All you've accomplished in those weeks, by staying in contact, is to hold her hand and let her feel less alone while she looks for her next boyfriend. She's never had to face losing you because you've been right there anytime she reaches out. IF she wanted to reconcile, she'd do something to make that happen. Sending you a screenshot of some photo off some app isn't the same as "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together".... and THAT is the only thing you should ever consider responding to!
jus d'orange Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I agree with Ruby. You need to stick with NC so you can heal and move on. As I said, it's generally true that what you get from your ex in terms of messages doesn't mean anything unless it's a big gesture, and they usually make it really clear that they want to get back together if that's the case. Do the best you can to let this be something in the past and keep moving forward. You won't really be able to heal properly until you accept that it's over. Maintaining false hopes will just hold you back and have no effect whatsoever on whether she changes her mind anyway.
Author lumberjac Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 It sounds like you're following one of those "how to get your ex back" programs.... really, you think you're 90% healed after just four weeks and not even cutting contact during that time? All you've accomplished in those weeks, by staying in contact, is to hold her hand and let her feel less alone while she looks for her next boyfriend. She's never had to face losing you because you've been right there anytime she reaches out. IF she wanted to reconcile, she'd do something to make that happen. Sending you a screenshot of some photo off some app isn't the same as "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together".... and THAT is the only thing you should ever consider responding to! Thanks Ruby for the slap on the face, honestly thanks! In my defense in the past month after the last time we met in person I only replied to that new year msg and nothing else, yes she msg me last night on whatsapp but ive not reply. But I understand where you're coming from, I'll tell the last part of my brain to move on.
Author lumberjac Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 I've unfollowed her on all the social media, like I said I have no idea how shes getting on since the BU. But do I have to block her off as well?
Ruby65 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Yes. Block her everywhere on every site and app you use. If you use a site or app that won't let you block people, then remove the app for at least a month or two. In a perfect world, she'd be blocked on your phone and email accounts as well. IF she wants to get back together, she can easily go around any blocks you set up.... the goal is to STOP being convenient. If she wants to reach you, she has to work for it. And if she's not willing to do the work, she's not seriously into getting back together -- so who needs to hear from her then?
Author lumberjac Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Yes. Block her everywhere on every site and app you use. If you use a site or app that won't let you block people, then remove the app for at least a month or two. In a perfect world, she'd be blocked on your phone and email accounts as well. IF she wants to get back together, she can easily go around any blocks you set up.... the goal is to STOP being convenient. If she wants to reach you, she has to work for it. And if she's not willing to do the work, she's not seriously into getting back together -- so who needs to hear from her then? yup done. it's just whatsapp and instagram really. I've not use facebook since we broke off, I've always wanted to ditch facebook and it gave me a reason to do so, and now I have so much extra time ha. 1
marcelo.santos Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Dont break NC! Continue the good work - these are all breadcrumbs to check if you are still around - I had a similar situation 2 weeks ago - when I reached her face to face she told me that she dont want me anymore - in my case it was ok as we have not a break up but a fight. Next time she contacts you: Be polite and tell her that you appreciate her very much but you have decided to do not be friends with her anymore. Being around and a friend of her now will make you a Plan B for ger and you will get hurt when she mets someone. Dont think you are 90% heal! this is a mistake - there is a long path to follow and she will not help you to move on - stop thinking in her and think in you and if possible think about your next future gf.
Author lumberjac Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Dont break NC! Continue the good work - these are all breadcrumbs to check if you are still around - I had a similar situation 2 weeks ago - when I reached her face to face she told me that she dont want me anymore - in my case it was ok as we have not a break up but a fight. Next time she contacts you: Be polite and tell her that you appreciate her very much but you have decided to do not be friends with her anymore. Being around and a friend of her now will make you a Plan B for ger and you will get hurt when she mets someone. Dont think you are 90% heal! this is a mistake - there is a long path to follow and she will not help you to move on - stop thinking in her and think in you and if possible think about your next future gf. is it not better to just ignore all her future messages, than actually do any replying, saying i don't want to be friends?
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Dumpers want to be friends with dumpees, because they made the decision to split and feel a bit responsible for the hurt they caused. They are usually no longer romantically invested in the relationship, so being just friends is no big deal. They usually do not want to go back to the dumpee, but they may have some feeling of nostalgia for the good bits of the relationship. They may like, even love the dumpee very much, but they just do not see any future for a romantic relationship. Dumpees tend to see, any indication of friendship or affection, as the dumper wishing to renew the relationship, but that is not usually the case. As Ruby65 says, unless she says to you "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together", then ignore her.
Author lumberjac Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Dumpers want to be friends with dumpees, because they made the decision to split and feel a bit responsible for the hurt they caused. They are usually no longer romantically invested in the relationship, so being just friends is no big deal. They usually do not want to go back to the dumpee, but they may have some feeling of nostalgia for the good bits of the relationship. They may like, even love the dumpee very much, but they just do not see any future for a romantic relationship. Dumpees tend to see, any indication of friendship or affection, as the dumper wishing to renew the relationship, but that is not usually the case. As Ruby65 says, unless she says to you "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together", then ignore her. That is pretty sad in a way. We were good friends, and now we are nothing. but yeh, NC all the way for me now
Author lumberjac Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 you guys were right, im no where near 90% healed. I think the reason I thought that is beacuase I don't feel hurt or sad whenever I think about her. But that fact is that she is in my mind most of the time, everyday since BU. Just all the random stuff, it could just be the memories, or when I see something which remind me of her, or I have something that I want to share with her, then I remember she's not part of my life anymore. Is this normal? I've been staying busy, uni work, social life, my own hobbies. But she's in my mind all the time, it doesn't affect me emotionally though, and I can carry on doing things normally. Would like so hear some thoughts and advice. Thank you
Stercrazy Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 As Ruby65 says, unless she says to you "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together", then ignore her. YES!!! In my last conversation with my ex she wanted to be friends. I said absolutely not. I think she wanted to keep me in the background " just in case". I told her not to contact me unless you want to get together with me. Then I phoned blocked her. She's going to have to work for it if she wants to contact me.
Author lumberjac Posted February 28, 2015 Author Posted February 28, 2015 Can't believe time went so quick and it's been over a month since the BU. I do wonder how she is from time to time, I have no idea, but probably all fine and happy. I miss her if I'm honest. but she would never know cause I'm not going to tell her that.
Author lumberjac Posted February 28, 2015 Author Posted February 28, 2015 Damn I am not doing good today, I don't know why. Was thinking about stuff, then the thought of us won't get back together upsets me a bit. One side of my head is like: she's not perfect, you don't need her, in fact you can do better! Then the other side of my head just go: Hey man here's the memories of you and her so you can keep thinking about it non-stop. Wish I could just slice off the bit of my brain that contains her... Does anyone share my feeling?
mightycpa Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 The next step is 5 weeks NC. That's it. 1
Stercrazy Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 Damn I am not doing good today, I don't know why. Was thinking about stuff, then the thought of us won't get back together upsets me a bit. One side of my head is like: she's not perfect, you don't need her, in fact you can do better! Then the other side of my head just go: Hey man here's the memories of you and her so you can keep thinking about it non-stop. Wish I could just slice off the bit of my brain that contains her... Does anyone share my feeling? Yes. Today my daughter needed shoes from a store that was in a mall that she goes shopping to. I thought I might see her. So many memories came flooding but I think I needed that. I needed to process these emotions. It will get better.....I promise.
sabd Posted March 1, 2015 Posted March 1, 2015 Just keep with NC and give it time, soon you'll think of her less and less.
Author lumberjac Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 guys, she just messaged me on whatsapp, just a "hey, how are you?" I know I shouldn't reply but I really want to :/ Last time we had a conversation was 6 weeks ago. and the last time she messaged me was 2 weeks ago but I've not reply. Is it a bad idea if we just exchange a couple message? LC? I'm worry if I dont reply she will think I hate her, which I dont.
JS84 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) Dude, seriously? No. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. You guys broke up. It doesn't matter what she thinks. This is why NC needs to be maintained. Block her on whatever app she just used to contact you. My god she is giving you bread crumbs and you're licking them up like a starving dog. AND DO NOT REPLY TO ANY OF HER MESSAGES IN THE FUTURE!!! Edited March 10, 2015 by JS84
Author lumberjac Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 If she initiated, you can just reply by saying I'm fine. If you don't want to reconcile with her in anyway then block and ignore but if you want to dig her again I would just reply nonchalantly. They usually come back especially if she had feelings for you. Is she white or Asian? Asian girls think slightly different. since you ask that question I take that you read my whole thread so thank you She's white, I've not dated any asian girl in a serious term. I'm not sure, originally I was going to reply saying exactly that, I'm fine, and see where that goes cause I do want her back. but everyone here suggests me to stay NC so I've not reply. My head says to reply to her. but there must be a reason I shouldn't seeing so many people suggest me not to.
Author lumberjac Posted March 11, 2015 Author Posted March 11, 2015 Im just wondering if NC will cutback the chances on reconcile, if there is a chance of reconcile?
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