martin1992 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of October because she has a crush on this guy and she believed that it was not right for her to have crushes on other people. I felt we were in a serious relationship. Anyway after the break up I pleaded and begged and did all the usual stuff a human boyfriend would do. I did no contact a few times starting from end of November. Round 1 - 19days Round 2 - 15 days (Ex kind of broke it after I wished her for new years.) Round 3 - 21 days (Ex broke it) Round 4 - 25 days I have arranged to meet her next week for a catch up. She has been dating this guy for about 2 months now...they started 2 months after we broke up. Whilst we were dating we were really close. I do not know if she is rebounding because she might have got over me months before we actually broke up. Anyway should I meet her next week or should I cancel it? She is the love of my life and I would like to try and win her back.
jus d'orange Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hey Martin, I don't think you should meet up with her. You haven't moved on from the relationship and are still wanting this girl in your life, although she has said she doesn't want the relationship anymore and has even begun dating other people. Reconciliations do happen, but it simply cannot happen this way. The relationship is broken and you can't get that relationship back; it's now gone in the past. The pleading and begging likely drove her further away, which you should know but you shouldn't blame yourself for. The only future you could ever have with this girl would be in the following situation: 1. You get over her completely, you both are single and feeling good about yourselves, you reconnect, and find that you want to give it another chance. Note that this would be a NEW relationship, and not the one you had before. 2. You get over her completely and the two of you find grounds to be friends. Note that in both circumstances, you have to be over her completely. At the moment, you're wanting somebody in your life in a way that they don't want to be there. Having contact and a friendship with this girl can only serve to harm your emotional health and hold you back from healing properly. Please go NC, stick with it this time, and focus on yourself. The relationship with her is over and as hard as it is on all of us, you must let it go. You'll find lots of great advice on this forum to tell you how to go about navigating this life post relationship, but you have to accept that it's over and that she's gone first. Part of that means accepting that she may never be a part of your life ever again. This takes time, and I wish you the best of luck. 1
Author martin1992 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Hi jus d'orange (corrected) I think that is the scariest part. There was point where I felt like I have moved on but just minutes later she called me and I slowly stumbled back with hope. I do not want to close the door at her and ofcourse I would want her back but I can somehow force myself to accept that we will never get back together. We have not met since December 16th so it is a bit nerve wrecking...with a bit of mental exercise I am hoping that I would be able to pull myself together and Armour up my heart before the agreed date of reconciliation. Otherwise I would cancel it and jump back into NC. My initial plan was to some on befriend her and then draw her towards me but I do not think that would work. So if we do meet up, I would just show her the changed me have a bit of fun. Then start NC again. It is sad that it has to be this way, she was my first girlfriend and I was her first too. More than that we were so close to each other that I used to call her my home.
sabd Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Why are you going to see her? Sounds like a terrible idea. You can't have ANY kind of relationship with this woman until you've completely healed - that includes friendship. I am hoping that I would be able to pull myself together and Armour up my heart before the agreed date of reconciliation. Really? A reconciliation? She's dating another guy. You're setting yourself up for a big fall. Don't do it. 3
Light Breeze Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 I do not want to close the door at her and ofcourse I would want her back but I can somehow force myself to accept that we will never get back together. We have not met since December 16th so it is a bit nerve wrecking...with a bit of mental exercise I am hoping that I would be able to pull myself together and Armour up my heart before the agreed date of reconciliation. Otherwise I would cancel it and jump back into NC. My initial plan was to some on befriend her and then draw her towards me but I do not think that would work. So if we do meet up, I would just show her the changed me have a bit of fun. Then start NC again. . Dude, she left you for another guy and you want a reconciliation? C'mon man, have some self respect. 2
Author martin1992 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Hi sabd and light breeze It is true is she dating another guy but I found this out through unorthodox methods. She has not told anyone she is seeing him and she has not told me either. The good thing is that if she does tell me this, I can be cool about it as I have already passed the phase of shock. Anyway the only benefit of seeing her is that I can show her how much I have changed and create a possible channel for attraction. Also even though she has a new boyfriend, I cant help hope that someday in the future we might be able to get back together.
Light Breeze Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) Hi sabd and light breeze It is true is she dating another guy but I found this out through unorthodox methods. She has not told anyone she is seeing him and she has not told me either. The good thing is that if she does tell me this, I can be cool about it as I have already passed the phase of shock. Anyway the only benefit of seeing her is that I can show her how much I have changed and create a possible channel for attraction. Also even though she has a new boyfriend, I cant help hope that someday in the future we might be able to get back together. Brother, you're ex left you for the guy she had a crush for and her attraction for him was strong enough that she abandoned a 4 year relationship because of it. Knowing that, do you think she'll care about what you've done with yourself during the break up? You cannot attract her that way because she and this other dude is in the honeymoon phase of their new relationship and it's damn near impossible to overcome that barrier. Keep NC and move on. Will you have a chance with her in the future? Maybe, maybe not. But, for now you need to heal first. Edited February 25, 2015 by Light Breeze 1
Author martin1992 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Posted February 25, 2015 Hi Light Breeze, You are definitely right. Do you know when will the honeymoon phase most likely end? Anyway there were clear signs that she always wondered what else is out there whilst we dated too. I think I am most likely going to cancel meeting her, get back into NC and heal. The previous time she contact me, she was trying to have a conversation but I was blunt and brief...yesterday I reached out for her to create some sort of connection before we met but she was blunt and brief. I think the first thing I need to do is regain control.
geronimo Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Bro its scary how similar your situation is to mine. My ex and I dated for about 5 years and she broke up with me last October, blamed it on religion and family but I knew it was because of this one guy that she started getting close with. I did the same thing as you, tried to do NC but in the beginning she broke it by contacting me, and it went on like that for a month, I kept talking to her and seeing her here and there. She then told me she had a crush on this guy but it was nothing. She even told me on one occasion that she started to like this guy but seeing me again made her realize that she doesn't like him. But we saw eachother for the last time on the 21 of Nov and she said she can no longer contact me because she has to get over me etc etc. I later found out she started dating this guy within weeks of us last meeting up and she was telling him things like hes the most amazing person she has ever met and she can't believe she met a guy like him and all that ****. Trust me you never want to hear the girl you love say that to another guy. She may not even mean it all but she says it because they're in the honeymoon stage. There is no point of me contacting her because she has now found something new and exciting and she will not give that up until it ****s up or w/e. I'm in the same position as you bro, my ex and I were eachother's first too, Its been 3 months since I last saw or spoke to her, she even messaged me on my bday but I just said a simple thank you and thats all, I didnt even message her on her bday (which was a week before mine). The way I look at is, she knows the type of person I am and we shared something really special or else it wouldn't have lasted 5 years. If she is willing to give that up so easily for another guy then thats her loss because I have more self respect than that to chase after a girl who is going to do that to me. Don't get me wrong there are still days I wish she would come back to me but I know she has to be able to do that on her own or else it would never work. Don't give your ex more power over you than she already has, you need to start moving on and take back the power. If its meant to be she'll come back and you can then decide if you want her back. I know its easier said than done, trust me I"m in the same boat as you. I feel the same way that I may never love someone the same way again and she's the love of my life, etc etc. But its not in our hands any longer the best thing you can do is let it be, she will come back once she realizes her new guy isn't all that and starts to miss her relationship with you. I know it sucks but I"m kind of hoping for the same thing too. 1
mightycpa Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Don't cancel and don't go. Just don't show and don't apologize if she contacts you to find out what happened. Just say you decided not to meet, and that you won't be contacting her again. That's what you should do. win her back Seriously? How do you do that? She's not a prize in some contest. She's a free agent who decides where to spend her time. Women don't love you because you're the most handsome, the smartest, the best lover or whatever. You can't win her back, except maybe by having a lot of self-respect and being attractive. Most people who try to win someone back are not attractive. Most don't have self-respect either.
Holmes85 Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 (edited) martin1992, Couple of things. My girlfriend broke up with me at the end of October because she has a crush on this guy and she believed that it was not right for her to have crushes on other people.If she knows that it's not right to have curshes on other people, then why is she so interested in still doing it? That's like saying I know smoking is bad, but I'm still going to smoke. I felt we were in a serious relationship.You were, she unfortuantely wasn't. Anyway after the break up I pleaded and begged and did all the usual stuff a human boyfriend would do.Nothing wrong with it. I did no contact a few times starting from end of November. Round 1 - 19days Round 2 - 15 days (Ex kind of broke it after I wished her for new years.) Round 3 - 21 days (Ex broke it) Round 4 - 25 days I have arranged to meet her next week for a catch up.Bad idea, cancel the meeting next week for a catch up, nothing has changed on her end this soon believe me. You are going to feel miserable after the "catch up" with her. She has been dating this guy for about 2 months now...they started 2 months after we broke up.Consider this, she was 4 years with you and gets into another relationship in 2 months, thats highly disrespectful of her, she does not feel or care about you in any way (the only time she would care about you is when the things go south with her new fling, but by that time you would have moved on and won't have any feelings for her anymore). Whilst we were dating we were really close. I do not know if she is rebounding because she might have got over me months before we actually broke up.It doesn't matter if she's rebounding, look at it like this, if she can drop you off after 4 years and get into another relationship within 2 months, what does it tell you about her? To me it tells that her feelings change like the wind, also she was talking to this dude behind your back (that is emotional cheating right there), definitely not someone whose looking for a long term commitment (yet). Anyway should I meet her next week or should I cancel it?Most definitely cancel it. You would be glad you did. She is the love of my life and I would like to try and win her back.Dude you were with her for 4 years, you tried everything, she still left you for someone else...within 2 months. Take her down from the pedestal. If the roles were reversed, she would be going nuts about the whole thing, I suggest you take some time off and get your thoughts together, it's not going to happen anytime soon, especially if you are still in contact with her. Once you are out of your emotional thinking and see her for what she really did to you, you most definitely wouldn't want her back. Edited February 25, 2015 by Holmes85 2
smellysocksuni Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Hi mate, I am in a kind of similar situation. My ex and I were together for a year and 4 months and she just suddenly decided she was unhappy - left, and is already with someone else even though it's only been two months since the break up. I have come to the realisation that it IS Grass is Greener syndrome. I also had many of the thoughts you're having about wanting to win her back - and reading this thread has helped me steer away from that kind of thinking. Do what I'm doing - stay NC. We love these women, but they don't love us anymore... or maybe they even do, but they're willing to walk away from us to pursue things with someone they don't even really know. What if she called you tomorrow and said she wanted to get back with her? Would you trust her not to break your heart again? Because personally, I would be constantly anxious and worrying whether she'd do it again. Whether she was talking to someone behind my back, etc. Just don't go to this meeting - show her that you're not hooked anymore. I know it's hard. But you CAN do it, you can get over her and you WILL love and be loved again.
Chi townD Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Yeah dude. This wasn't GIGS, she left you for another guy. GIGS is seeing what else is out there. In this case, she beelined it to the person she told she had a crush on. That's not GIGS. Dude, you need to go NC on you. She dumped you because she valued a possible relationship with someone else other than you. You need to go NC on he. She knows she did you wrong and she doesn't want you to hate her. So, she'll contact you to see if this is the case. As soon as she see's you're fine, she's gone. The first time that you contact her and she's not feeling guilty at that time, she's short with you and gives you the impression that she really wants to get off the phone with you! Time to heal and move on dude!
Author martin1992 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 Hey everyone, Sorry for the late reply. I did not check this forum until today. I cancelled the "catch up". I messaged her saying: Hi (Ex), Sorry I can't make it for tomorrow but we'll sort something out for another time. Hope you are good. -She didnt reply back...my guess is that she might be a bit pissed. (She tried reaching out to me a few times since 15th feb.) I messaged that few minutes after she messaged me saying that she could meet me this week or next week.. . She has been throwing a bit of breadcrumbs but I have been a bit cold on her. It is true that she left me for someone else but I am not someone to hold grudges. I mean everyone makes mistakes and do stupid things...hell I have several times, even to her (I have never cheated or abused her. LOL). But yeah thank you all for your time and support!!!! The reason I can see this is GIGs is because there were signs throughout the relationship and I am her first boyfriend...the first rarely ever lasts. Another reason is she said "I love you but I am not in love with you". Gigs can happen even if they left us for another relationships...its a complicated theory but there quite a lot of information regarding it. Should I open a line of communication with her? if yes, how? -I want to open a line of communication and once that is done go into indefinite NC until she reaches out. No matter what I'd like to get back with her if I can.
sabd Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I want to open a line of communication and once that is done go into indefinite NC until she reaches out This makes no sense. No matter what I'd like to get back with her if I can. Save your dignity, really. She is dating someone else.
Author martin1992 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 Hey Sabd I am not going to run away her! It is just that if she does comeback I will give it a shot; I am won't turn her down just for pride. I won't however just take her back completely but give it time and see what happens. As of now she knows nothing about me though I have a feeling she tried to find out through friends and etc. I do have control of myself and the situation to a certain degree. It has been 4 months since we broke up, probably 5 in her mind. About the communication I meant that I would like to give her the comfort that she could reach...so far I have given her the cold shoulder. She apologized for a few things, probably out of guilt.
Light Breeze Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Hey Sabd I am not going to run away her! It is just that if she does comeback I will give it a shot; I am won't turn her down just for pride. I won't however just take her back completely but give it time and see what happens. As of now she knows nothing about me though I have a feeling she tried to find out through friends and etc. I do have control of myself and the situation to a certain degree. It has been 4 months since we broke up, probably 5 in her mind. About the communication I meant that I would like to give her the comfort that she could reach...so far I have given her the cold shoulder. She apologized for a few things, probably out of guilt. If she does comeback, how sure are you she'll stay? Or if you'll ever be secure in your relationship again knowing that she could just pack up and leave when another guy catches her attention. Just food for thought. Anyway, you sound really sure she'll be coming back. That's putting the cart before the horse. Temper your expectations or you're gonna get hurt really bad.
Author martin1992 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 If she does comeback, how sure are you she'll stay? Or if you'll ever be secure in your relationship again knowing that she could just pack up and leave when another guy catches her attention. Just food for thought. Anyway, you sound really sure she'll be coming back. That's putting the cart before the horse. Temper your expectations or you're gonna get hurt really bad. Hey, Well if she does does comeback I will be more prepared to accept that one day she would leave...tbh I would feel that way with any girl I date now. In a way it made me stronger. And no way!! I am more sure she may not come back that should would...it is just that at the moment I have cut her out when she tried to reach me. Looking for ideas to fix that.
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