Anyone here share the same feelings as I do? I don't ever want my EX back anymore

February 25, 2015

Dear all.

7 years relationship. Me 41. Him 42.

My first post. He broke up with me on 17th Jan (making today 5 weeks post BU)after moving away to another country to work in November 2014. The breakup was bad because I was totally blindsided & it was unexpected. Before he left the country, we spoke a lot about his move and he told me that I will move over later in the year once he's settled. I missed him a lot and was anticipating to move over later. In the meantime, I was extremely supportive. The only thing was that he was extremely busy with his work but I never bugged him and always gave him time to reply or call me. All in all, I was supportive

In less than 3 months in Jan, he called me out of the blue and told me he doesn't love me anymore, wants a new life on his own and broke up with me. Just like that. I didn't beg nor cry. I just hung up the phone. I was in shock. I took the breakup badly because all the while, we kept in close (daily) communication and the break up was a shocker to me.

I went NC immediately but did break them more than once with my sporadic pathetic texts on how much I loved him, he messed me up etc. he never replied. I then went on full NC. One day, his friend confessed to me that he (ex) has always planned this. Even before he went away that he told his friend he doesn't think we will work in LDR and he planned to break up with me! He never told me that.

Can you imagine my shock and the pain when I heard that? I felt betrayed.

Long story short, he came back last week for a short vacation and called me incessantly. While I was maintained a successful NC, I broke after some stupid heart felt message from him. I met him and we cried. But he never wanted me back. He only wanted to meet me because he felt bad. He admitted that he has moved on and has seen the world and will be dating while I was stuck moping, became anti social and in pain. I went NC again and told him never to contact me ever again and blocked him.

I am still hurt tremendously (I started to have anxiety) and in so much pain. Last night, while ruminating the relationship, I realized he really never loved me that much in these past 7 years. We did have our ups and downs (few short breaks) but worked out eventually. The only thing I have felt throughout these years is that I felt he was just not into me. A gut feeling and yet stupidly, I held on tight to the relationship.

If he were to love me, he wouldn't have thought or planned to leave me behind when he moved to another country. I think He strung me along because he didn't know if he could cope in the new place and when he knew he did, he dumped me. Suddenly, I felt numb and I think I have finally accepted it is over.

I realized I don't want him back anymore and hope I will never see him ever again for the rest of my life. Do I hate him? Yes. I do now.

I really don't want him back anymore. Anyone here share the same feelings as I do for your ex? I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM ANYMORE

February 25, 2015

Good for you!!!!

To hell with him -- the way he treated you was HORRIBLE. I'm sure he'll get what's coming to him in the end.

The takeaway here is to always trust your gut. People are capable of stringing someone along for years and years -- as you've just experienced -- because they'd rather be with someone than be alone. What a selfish disgusting way to treat someone!

But from now on, anytime you sense your partner isn't into you.... know that it's usually because they're not. Regardless of what they say or do to convince you otherwise, your instincts are usually right.

At 41 you still have SO MUCH TIME ahead to date and enjoy and find someone WONDERFUL to spend the rest of your life with! Your former relationship has at least taught you never to settle for someone who isn't thrilled to be with you -- and never go 7 years again without a ring! It sounds old-fashioned and corny, but it's a red flag if someone's okay to just date or live together after a certain point.....

Here's a great guide to help you right now: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

Continue with your NC, keep posting and use this breakup as a start of a whole new -- and much better -- life!! Because that's what it really is, sweetie.

BULLET DODGED.

February 25, 2015

I think many, myself included, have wrestled with what you describe. I have banged my head against the wall wishing to escape non-fulfillment only to feel despair when I found the choice to continue was removed. Only one way to go, forward. The duration and intensity are all that vary from person to person in the healing process. The number of cycles of angst and anger and sadness that accompany "rejection" can be altered by you. Allow it to happen, and process it by writing or talking about it. Then when you find yourself repeating turn the lens.

I ask myself questions specific to my choices and actions in my relationships both good and bad. When I was younger I needed advice but at our age we know what needs fixed and what we allowed to happen. Forgive yourself because you likely had more poignant needs that fragmented the continuum and thus your impression. This relationship served it purpose and now you can move on.

Many don't like self inquiry because at face value it requires examination of one's bads. But logistically self inquiry takes focus away from the other, and it empowers you by bringing to the forefront that which you can do something about; your own behavior. Focusing on other gives credence to their inferred opinion of your worth. Who knows what is really up with the dude.

Be wary going forward because "we go where we know" and who you chose to share yourself with later on can be your undoing. These comfortable scenarios ring odd with others. Others that care or are unbiased are at a vantage point and should be trusted. Their opinions should be very strongly weighed. They have the broad view, the one untainted by need.

Lastly time can be our very best friend in alleviating the pain of abandonment. Even if you wanted to spend the rest of your days pining for this man you couldn't. Mind wants more.

February 25, 2015

OP, I think your protestations are more "I MISS HIM SO MUCH!" And that's fine. It's natural. I'm a hop, skip and jump away from one year NC and there's still days I think about her and wish things could be the way they were.

The reality is this---that di¢k move he pulled really points out his cowardice and immaturity. His cowardice was so great he had to see you again in person to make amends. He's got some growing to do. Loving someone deeply is not so much about meeting the right person as it is about emotional maturity. The two of you, together for seven years, had all the conditions for a lasting, loving relationship except emotional maturity.

Hurt from this. Feel the grief from this. Continue on your antisocial way. Let time and distance work on you. You'll make it through the tunnel. :-)

February 25, 2015

I don't want mine anymore either.

February 25, 2015

I really don't want him back anymore. Anyone here share the same feelings as I do for your ex? I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM ANYMORE

me BUT - it took me a while to get there. it's amazing when you do move on and when you reach that holy level of being totally indifferent to your ex.

i don't want or need my ex back - not because he's a bad person, not because i'm better off without him, not because he did me wrong... but because i truly don't love him anymore. sad but i can't even remember what was like loving him. time does wonders.

February 25, 2015

Dear all.

7 years relationship. Me 41. Him 42.

My first post. He broke up with me on 17th Jan (making today 5 weeks post BU)after moving away to another country to work in November 2014. The breakup was bad because I was totally blindsided & it was unexpected. Before he left the country, we spoke a lot about his move and he told me that I will move over later in the year once he's settled. I missed him a lot and was anticipating to move over later. In the meantime, I was extremely supportive. The only thing was that he was extremely busy with his work but I never bugged him and always gave him time to reply or call me. All in all, I was supportive

In less than 3 months in Jan, he called me out of the blue and told me he doesn't love me anymore, wants a new life on his own and broke up with me. Just like that. I didn't beg nor cry. I just hung up the phone. I was in shock. I took the breakup badly because all the while, we kept in close (daily) communication and the break up was a shocker to me.

I went NC immediately but did break them more than once with my sporadic pathetic texts on how much I loved him, he messed me up etc. he never replied. I then went on full NC. One day, his friend confessed to me that he (ex) has always planned this. Even before he went away that he told his friend he doesn't think we will work in LDR and he planned to break up with me! He never told me that.

Can you imagine my shock and the pain when I heard that? I felt betrayed.

Long story short, he came back last week for a short vacation and called me incessantly. While I was maintained a successful NC, I broke after some stupid heart felt message from him. I met him and we cried. But he never wanted me back. He only wanted to meet me because he felt bad. He admitted that he has moved on and has seen the world and will be dating while I was stuck moping, became anti social and in pain. I went NC again and told him never to contact me ever again and blocked him.

I am still hurt tremendously (I started to have anxiety) and in so much pain. Last night, while ruminating the relationship, I realized he really never loved me that much in these past 7 years. We did have our ups and downs (few short breaks) but worked out eventually. The only thing I have felt throughout these years is that I felt he was just not into me. A gut feeling and yet stupidly, I held on tight to the relationship.

If he were to love me, he wouldn't have thought or planned to leave me behind when he moved to another country. I think He strung me along because he didn't know if he could cope in the new place and when he knew he did, he dumped me. Suddenly, I felt numb and I think I have finally accepted it is over.

I realized I don't want him back anymore and hope I will never see him ever again for the rest of my life. Do I hate him? Yes. I do now.

I really don't want him back anymore. Anyone here share the same feelings as I do for your ex? I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM ANYMORE

Wow our stories have a lot in common. I was also strung along, led to believe that we would convert our relationship into a temporary LDR thing. She broke up with me a month after arriving there. I have very strong intuition that she planned on doing it all along, but I don't have nor want any inside information.

Difference is that my ex was 25, yours is 42. Really immature behavior coming from him. At least you got a phone call. I got a drunken skype chat breakup.

I still grieve and long for my ex in a way, but my higher brain knows that I can't take her back after the massive disrespect and breach of trust--betrayal.

February 25, 2015

I sure can feel this, I no longer want my Ex back after the cheating and the pain of breakup...

But we all have to move pass this as well, time heals us and in time we also must forgive...

February 25, 2015

Yes it hurts when someone you've invested 7 years of your youth with tells you basically that you are not the one for them. What a waste of time (damn them). It never, ever works to beg them for answers and another chance. When they call or tell you that you aren't the one, hang up the phone or walk away and make it up in your mind that they are dead; and never see them or speak their name again. I know it's hard but that's how I handle it.

February 25, 2015

I realized I don't want him back anymore and hope I will never see him ever again for the rest of my life. Do I hate him? Yes. I do now.

I really don't want him back anymore. Anyone here share the same feelings as I do for your ex? I REALLY DON'T WANT HIM ANYMORE

I understand that feeling but imo the longing will ebb and flow just like waves in the beach until it dies down gradually. Of course, everyone's different but a 7 year relationship is no joke and you have to expect that sometimes you'll be experiencing the total opposite of what you're feeling now.

February 25, 2015

I don't want mine back, either.

13 year relationship and I was blindsided by his butt dialing me on his way to his side piece's condo. Heard the whole thing.

When they come back to cry, all they're doing is using you to help them move on. It's all totally selfish because if they really cared about you and your feelings, they wouldn't try ripping open the wound afresh and not provide the salve required: atoning and wanting to get back with you and work out the issues.

"Oh, you feel bad? Eff you, jerk. Go walk it off--that's what I had to do."

The day will come, I assure you, that the tide goes out and never comes back in.

February 25, 2015

MRSR31 You speak the truth perfectly boxed up with a bow:)

February 25, 2015

I guess you're halfway there. Now, you just have to put the hurt behind you.

That will take significantly longer.

February 25, 2015

MRSR31 You speak the truth perfectly boxed up with a bow:)

Thank you. If only my practice moved as smoothly as my words. In reality its like driving a Flintstones get-a-way car with two stubbed toes. But at some point I find I am back in the mainstream. Then I get those days where I zip along in my {insert your fantasy vehicle du jour} averting detection of the HWY police while listening to {insert favorite musical artist} at volume 10 and thinking to myself that life is so sweet. Within those fine moments I recognize I have achieved the grand solace of true detachment as the fleeting question "huh. I wonder how he is. He was a bit of screw ball but I did so love his {insert memory of affection}" rushes through me.

February 25, 2015

I feel like this too. I miss my ex and I do feel sad about things but I no longer want her. She hurt me too much for me to want her back.

February 25, 2015

I would be worried about the hate thing if i were to feel what you are feeling...hate is one of the emotions that can really hurt your heart and your perception of life.....

is it really hate you feel......

I dont want any of my exes back..i used to pine for my last ex for quite a while i pined ...hurt as anything....even thought about actively getting him back...i had never let a guy get as close as he did....but the fact is...he was never as close as he could have been if i had trusted him completely....... i dont hate them ...i just know they werent meant for me......i dont like the things they did to me at all..they hurt me........but i dont hate them.....i dont really hate anyone.....i dislike what people do to each other.....part of being human is knowing no one is perfect

if an ex were to say to me hey debs want you back i think we can be together again....i would say until we break up again because we are not meant to be....let it go......one of my exes called me retard a stuffed up bitch with a stuffed up family threatened me when i was in hospital to because of my illness he was going to take my fgirls away from me.....while he was drinking....now he is off the grog...he told me a while ago...he was honored to have had me love him..and that it wa shim who was stuffed up....big difference huh.......still doesnt make it right for us ever to be together again...it didtn work fro a reason...i have a space in my life for a guy who i can trust..........it happened we broke up, its over now and i have this space for the right guy at the right time that gods sees fit..........i am a distant friend to my ex....we have girls together still growing up..... and my ex before him i have sons with...i dont hate any of them...i dislike what they did...and one still does...but thats another story

things happen for a reason and some of the things that happen to us define us as people...define your life with love not hate......and let the hate go as you know it was right you arent together anymore......the person who is right for you needed that space in your life to fill it up with love....not hate.....good luck....deb.

February 26, 2015

I am touched by all the replies and support I have received so far from everyone in LS..I read each and everyone of them and they bring tears to my eyes..

All of you are right...I am currently facing and experiencing waves of emotions that engulf me.

I thought I was fine (being angry , numb and 'hateful') until I tried to sign up for OKC yesterday. ( A single gf of mine suggested that I sign up just to distract myself.) After signing up and going through the profiles..I snapped. I broke down. Not that I think that signing myself up on dating sites is anything below me nor pathetic, I suddenly felt abandoned. I felt as if he has just shoved me into the big ocean and left me drowning. I felt pathetic because here I am..trying to get into the dating world again, he knows that and he doesn't even care anymore. He just simply doesn't care if I do find someone else because I no longer mean anything to him. I broke down and cried. Something that I have not done in a while.

A huge setback for me. Now my heart is in pain again...

February 26, 2015

Good for you!!!!

To hell with him -- the way he treated you was HORRIBLE. I'm sure he'll get what's coming to him in the end.

The takeaway here is to always trust your gut. People are capable of stringing someone along for years and years -- as you've just experienced -- because they'd rather be with someone than be alone. What a selfish disgusting way to treat someone!

But from now on, anytime you sense your partner isn't into you.... know that it's usually because they're not. Regardless of what they say or do to convince you otherwise, your instincts are usually right.

At 41 you still have SO MUCH TIME ahead to date and enjoy and find someone WONDERFUL to spend the rest of your life with! Your former relationship has at least taught you never to settle for someone who isn't thrilled to be with you -- and never go 7 years again without a ring! It sounds old-fashioned and corny, but it's a red flag if someone's okay to just date or live together after a certain point.....

Here's a great guide to help you right now: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

Continue with your NC, keep posting and use this breakup as a start of a whole new -- and much better -- life!! Because that's what it really is, sweetie.

BULLET DODGED.

Thank you for the link Ruby..Will read it in a while..

February 26, 2015

I think many, myself included, have wrestled with what you describe. I have banged my head against the wall wishing to escape non-fulfillment only to feel despair when I found the choice to continue was removed. Only one way to go, forward. The duration and intensity are all that vary from person to person in the healing process. The number of cycles of angst and anger and sadness that accompany "rejection" can be altered by you. Allow it to happen, and process it by writing or talking about it. Then when you find yourself repeating turn the lens.

I ask myself questions specific to my choices and actions in my relationships both good and bad. When I was younger I needed advice but at our age we know what needs fixed and what we allowed to happen. Forgive yourself because you likely had more poignant needs that fragmented the continuum and thus your impression. This relationship served it purpose and now you can move on.

Many don't like self inquiry because at face value it requires examination of one's bads. But logistically self inquiry takes focus away from the other, and it empowers you by bringing to the forefront that which you can do something about; your own behavior. Focusing on other gives credence to their inferred opinion of your worth. Who knows what is really up with the dude.

Be wary going forward because "we go where we know" and who you chose to share yourself with later on can be your undoing. These comfortable scenarios ring odd with others. Others that care or are unbiased are at a vantage point and should be trusted. Their opinions should be very strongly weighed. They have the broad view, the one untainted by need.

Lastly time can be our very best friend in alleviating the pain of abandonment. Even if you wanted to spend the rest of your days pining for this man you couldn't. Mind wants more.

MRSR31...Insightful and poignant advice..Taken to heart...and agree..though it took me to read them 3 times over before I could understand what you were trying to convey..LOL. Sorry. English is not my first language and I struggled a tad with them because you have such a flair with words and your command of English is exceptional.

The bolded words...I hope soon.

February 26, 2015

OP, I think your protestations are more "I MISS HIM SO MUCH!" And that's fine. It's natural. I'm a hop, skip and jump away from one year NC and there's still days I think about her and wish things could be the way they were.

The reality is this---that di¢k move he pulled really points out his cowardice and immaturity. His cowardice was so great he had to see you again in person to make amends. He's got some growing to do. Loving someone deeply is not so much about meeting the right person as it is about emotional maturity. The two of you, together for seven years, had all the conditions for a lasting, loving relationship except emotional maturity.

Hurt from this. Feel the grief from this. Continue on your antisocial way. Let time and distance work on you. You'll make it through the tunnel. :-)

Thank you. I needed that. I needed someone to tell me that it's okay to continue being anti social (at least for now).

Friends and family have been encouraging me to go out. To socialize. I know they meant well but I just could not do it at the moment. Its so hard to get myself out there.

As you can see..even signing up and browsing a dating site have given me anxiety and broke me down..I'm just not ready..

February 26, 2015

I understand that feeling but imo the longing will ebb and flow just like waves in the beach until it dies down gradually. Of course, everyone's different but a 7 year relationship is no joke and you have to expect that sometimes you'll be experiencing the total opposite of what you're feeling now.

You are absolutely right...

February 26, 2015

I don't want mine back, either.

13 year relationship and I was blindsided by his butt dialing me on his way to his side piece's condo. Heard the whole thing.

When they come back to cry, all they're doing is using you to help them move on. It's all totally selfish because if they really cared about you and your feelings, they wouldn't try ripping open the wound afresh and not provide the salve required: atoning and wanting to get back with you and work out the issues.

"Oh, you feel bad? Eff you, jerk. Go walk it off--that's what I had to do."

The day will come, I assure you, that the tide goes out and never comes back in.

Wow kendahke..13 years..that's even longer than mine.. How did you manage to go through it? I can't imagine the hurt I would feel..it would be 3 folds than what I am feeling right now.

You are right. When they come back to cry..these horrible selfish people are just using us to feel better for what they did. To clear their conscience. They know deep down, they have hurt and betrayed us..yet they wouldn't care.

February 26, 2015

I guess the biggest reason for my pain is that I finally see the true colours of this person I loved so much.

And the biggest disappointment for me is that I can't shake off the pain.

It's now no longer about him. It's about me. The pain I'm still feeling for this *********...why?

You know..I do have suicidal thoughts at times. Not that I can't live without him..the thoughts came because I fear..what if I can't get over him, the pain and betrayal? It's then..I would start to feel negative and wish I would die because I don't want to live on in pain pining for him

February 26, 2015

I am touched by all the replies and support I have received so far from everyone in LS..I read each and everyone of them and they bring tears to my eyes..

All of you are right...I am currently facing and experiencing waves of emotions that engulf me.

I thought I was fine (being angry , numb and 'hateful') until I tried to sign up for OKC yesterday. ( A single gf of mine suggested that I sign up just to distract myself.) After signing up and going through the profiles..I snapped. I broke down. Not that I think that signing myself up on dating sites is anything below me nor pathetic, I suddenly felt abandoned. I felt as if he has just shoved me into the big ocean and left me drowning. I felt pathetic because here I am..trying to get into the dating world again, he knows that and he doesn't even care anymore. He just simply doesn't care if I do find someone else because I no longer mean anything to him. I broke down and cried. Something that I have not done in a while.

A huge setback for me. Now my heart is in pain again...

Don't look at this as a setback. You just shifted your paradigm and the view is overwhelming. Just turn the knob and walk through the door.

I went through many of these in the 5 years we've been apart. I tried OLD a little too quickly after the breakup ( like 7 months post) and that blew up in my face and landed me at square 3--not all the way back to square 1, but close enough. I put the OLD down for a few years and tried again. Had dates from hell. Got caught up with a catfish. Spent 11 months in a LDR with a guy in the UK that I really thought wanted to make things work, but he turned out to be a liar. I just recently met a really great guy and so far things are going well.

If the OLD seems to be too much, you can always put it down for a while and work on other areas of your life you'd like to develop now that you don't have the distraction of trying to make someone love you who won't.

Time really is the best equalizer in these matters.

February 26, 2015

Wow kendahke..13 years..that's even longer than mine.. How did you manage to go through it? I can't imagine the hurt I would feel..it would be 3 folds than what I am feeling right now.

You are right. When they come back to cry..these horrible selfish people are just using us to feel better for what they did. To clear their conscience. They know deep down, they have hurt and betrayed us..yet they wouldn't care.

Saying "it was bad" is an extreme understatement. Saying "it was devastating" really doesn't do it justice. It was like being cut in two and left to die.

I got through it by going through it and not stopping the grief or distracting myself from the work grief needed to do. That and my doctor prescribing Atavan, lol. Having friends and family in my corner (and his family--his mother blew a gasket when she found out) helped out a lot, but at the end of the day, they all went home and I still had to sit with those feelings and process them. I saw a therapist, but she really didn't tell me anything that I already didn't know. I really didn't make an effort to find a more effective one. I made it through work--some days, I cried, other days I royally screwed up my work, but my boss ran defense for me, thankfully. I would get home and sit on my bed, rock and sob--for months. It's all really a distant memory now--thankfully. My sorrow fully lifted at about the 3 1/2 year mark--but that's me. Your mileage may vary, so to speak.

During that time, I learned to trust myself and my feelings again. I learned to not put up with BS from any guy--if he didn't want to treat me with respect, then he had to go. No relationship is worth gutting your self esteem just to be able to say "I got a man". Yeah, a man who cheats. Whoopie!!! What a prize.

I think that the whole self trust thing is probably the biggest gift I gave myself--that and the permission to be selfish. Not in a negative way, but in a way that what I want and what I need comes first. If I can't have that, then I'm in the wind. I do not fear to speak up for myself and what I want/need. But long gone are the days where I sacrifice what I want and need in order to keep someone who is basically doing what they want and need in spite of me.

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Anyone here share the same feelings as I do? I don't ever want my EX back anymore

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